I'm packing for my trip to New York and I have a couple of questions that I thought you, my wise and well traveled friends, might be able to answer.
1. If Elle wears handmade dresses in New York will people laugh at her?
2. If I wear maxi-skirts in New York will people laugh at me?
2.a. If people do laugh at me can I distract them by pointing out how my clothes might be dorky but at least they're not handmade like those belonging to a certain kid who's name I will not mention.
2.b. Aren't maxi-skirts the best? I like to put them on and then go out and work in my garden. I pretend I'm Laura Ingalls. This isn't so much a question as it is ... something else.
3. Am I the most neurotic person on the planet?
One year ago today Jesse was afraid of everything.
Three years ago today no one would rub my nuts.
Five years ago today I craved something odd.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
I'm packing for my trip to New York and I have a couple of questions that I thought you, my wise and well traveled friends, might be able to answer.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
I know what you call a person who drinks vanilla extract or mouthwash because there is no alcohol available to them but what do you call a person who discovers that she has no chocolate in her house and finds herself standing in front of an open cupboard thinking "Maybe if I mix this unsweetened bakers chocolate with some sugar..."?
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Once we starting seeing signs directing us to Wall Drug we realized we were going the wrong way and turned back around. I may have cried a little bit. Remember, pregnancy + naturally emotional personality = crazy person crying because when she drives past the bear carving guy he's just sitting there eating a sandwich and not carving.
We waited in line for 47 hours for that ice cream and it cost us $47. I chose mint chocolate chip aka neon green frozen milk with brown wax chunks. Elle chose chocolate soft serve.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
I was just browsing my stats and one visitor in particular caught my eye.
"Office of the President"
Could you just die? Obama visited my blog! Oh the honor, the prestige, the pure unadulterated excitement of having the President of the United States visit my blog! And he didn't just read one page either. He read like a dozen. In fact, let me just bring up a screen shot so that you can see for....
Hmm. Upon closer inspection I see that it actually says "Office of the President - University of California".
Well then. I suppose that's a little less exciting than finding out Obama is reading this blog. But still, the president of the University of California! Or perhaps his secretary! Or a janitor who has a pregnancy fetish! That's pretty neat.
I'm going to be honest here. When I'm old I'm going to tell my grand kids about this but I'll lie and say it was the president of the United States but they won't understand what I'm talking about because in the future everyone will have cameras implanted in their eyes so that everyone can constantly see what everyone else is doing at all time and I'll tell my story and they'll be all "There's no such thing as a blawg Grandma! Stop talking crazy or we'll get back in our hover cars and go back to our houses on the moon!"
Or maybe I'll tell them about the time I was in the airport and this kid (I say "kid" because he was in his early 20's and I have The Old) wearing a Blogger t-shirt sat down next to me. I said "I like your shirt! I have a blog too!" and he was like "Oh. Yeah. My sister bought it for me. It's supposed to be ironic." and then a long uncomfortable silence followed. Then he took pity on me and said "Um... you said you have a blog? What's... that's... all about?" and I couldn't even think of a lie fast enough so I just blurted out "Oh, hahaha, you know, hahaha, I just tell stories about my kids, hahaha, you know, poop stories and stuff like that, hahahah, Iprettymuchhaveamommyblog, hahahahaha!" and then he got up and moved away from me without saying another word. That story is 100% true and it was even more awkward than words can express and now that I think about it it's kind of embarrassing so I don't think I'll tell that one to my grand kids.
I'll just tell them about the time the president visited my blog.
One year ago today I was not famous.
Two years ago today I posted a video that still makes me cry.
Four years ago today I posted something boring about teeth.
Five years ago today Joseph had a mole and gold toenails.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Have you ever met someone who makes you want to scream "GET A BLOG!"? And not in a good "Hey, I really like what you have to say and you should share your interesting and amusing stories with the whole world via a blog on the internetz" kind of way but in the "at least if you had a blog I could click the little X and get away from your insane rambling" kind of way?
There's a little boy on Elle's soccer team who's mother needs to get a blog. Or maybe she already has one but she just needs to update it more often. She seems like the kind of asshole that would have a mommy blog. (Fun fact - I am also that kind of asshole.)
The woman really, really likes to talk about herself. The problem is that she's so damned obnoxious that no one will talk to her. She doesn't let that stop her though! She powers through! She talks about herself to her kids so that everyone around her will be able to hear her. She's not even subtle about it or anything. Her poor kid will be sitting six inches away from her and she's shreiking random facts about her life in an attempt to impress the other parents.
"IF IT STAYS SUNNY LIKE THIS WE'LL GO TO THE CABIN THIS WEEKEND AND GO SWIMMING. YOU KNOW, THE CABIN AT THE LAKE! THE CABIN THAT WE OWN!" *looks around to make sure everyone within earshot is impressed even though no one is because this is Minnesota and you can't swing a dead cat without hitting a cabin on the lake* (Fun fact - I do not have a cabin on the lake nor do I endorse winging dead cats.) "I WAS GETTING MY DEGREE IN PHYSICAL THERAPY BUT THEN I SAW HOW PEOPLE WOULD EAT TEN BAGS OF CHIPS AND THEN GAIN TEN POUNDS SO I BECAME A FOOD SCIENTIST INSTEAD!" *glances back to make sure everyone is appreciating how great her non-chip eating, food scientist butt looks in her new capris from The Gap.*
Today in the span of three minutes she yelled how she once coached soccer, that she was a food scientist developing new products ("TO BE SOLD IN GROCERY STORES!"), that she once did a school report on all the presidents of the United States, that she plays piano AND trumpet and that she likes to memorize the scientific names of animals and she's got all the mammals down but that "SEA CREATURES ARE HARDER BECAUSE THEY KEEP DISCOVERING SO MANY NEW KINDS!".
When she got to the part about the scientific names of animals Joseph nearly passed out from trying not to laugh. "I wish I had a phone so that I could text message you what I'm really thinking right now!" he giggle/whispered to me.
Lady, when the kid with Asperger's thinks you're weird it might be time to rein it in a little bit.
So that's what's going on in my life right now. What's new with you? (Fun fact - I am terrible at ending blog posts.)
Three years ago today I hated MTV.
Four years ago today I hated Planned Parenthood protesters.
Five years ago today I liked my dad.
Friday, June 18, 2010
To set the scene - Elle has just changed into her 14th outfit of the day - a bright yellow dress. She looks in the mirror and is amazed at how great she looks.
Elle: Look at how CUTE I look! Baba will not believe how CUTE I look in this dress! I will him how CUTE I am! Baba! Look at how CUTE I look!
Joseph: You look like a banana.
Me: Joseph! That's not very kind.
Joseph: You look like a beautiful banana.
Elle: Baba said I lookeded BEAUTIFUL!
Two years ago today I tried the Princess Potty Training method with Elle.
Three years ago today I was pregnant. Again. A lot.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
As if I didn't have enough to do this summer now I have to add "get excommunicated" to my list.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Jesse: You have Doll Parts on you ipod?
me: Yes I do.
Jesse: I didn't know you like Hole.
me: I don't, I just like that one song.
Jesse: Oh, why's that?
me: I like when she says "I want to be the girl with the most cake".
me: I wish I was the girl with the most cake!
Jesse: I don't think that's what-
me: I should get that printed on a t-shirt!
Jesse: It's supposed to be-
me: I wish I had some cake right now!
Jesse: I think she means...
me: *wanders off to see if we have all the ingredients for cake in the house*
Edited to clarify: That is what the song really says but Jesse was trying to explain to me that it's a metaphor and not about real cake which I get but think is stupid because why would you want metaphorical cake when you could have real cake?
Three years ago today I took a pregnancy test.
Four years ago today Joseph was attracted to dogs.
Five years ago today it was a rough day.
Friday, June 11, 2010
I discovered long ago that if I'm going to read a news article online I should probably not read the comments following it. It's better for my blood pressure and sanity if I just click away at the end of the article and not read a single comment. I can't tolerate all that ugliness in one place.
What is it about people who comment on news articles online? No matter what the original article is about, the oil spill, the newest summer fashions, how to best grow tomatoes upside down, people are always the same. Why are they all so ignorant, hateful and humorless? Is it that none of them can find anyone in real life who wants to listen to their opinions so they have to spew it all out in comment boxes?
Yesterday I was reading something about the oil spill and I accidentally scrolled down a bit too far and hit the comment section. I saw a comment so glorious, so wildly, wonderfully bizarre that I I immediately copied and pasted it. I plan on re-reading it whenever I'm feeling a little down because it just makes me laugh and laugh and laugh. I hope you enjoy it too.
"please CONGRESS...EPA....somebody.....we gotta do something.....BP ...sure don't seem to be STOPPING THE OIL LEAK....DONALD TRUMP.....WHERE ARE YOU.....HELP....HELP...NATIONAL GEOGRAPHICS....DO SOMETHING....PLEASE....ITS NOW....50 DAYS!!"
Thank you Betty of Massachusetts. Your irrational faith in Donald Trump's ability to stop the oil leak has reminded me that people aren't always mean and nasty. Sometimes they're just really random and that's a wonderful thing.
Two years ago today Joseph wanted a wig and Elle was a little sneak.
Three years ago today Jesse painted the basement.
Wednesday, June 09, 2010
When my brother and I were kids I would always get stuck cleaning the bathroom that we shared. Every so often my mom would tell him to clean it but then he would say, and I quote, "But I don't know how to clean the bathroom!" and then she would tell me to do it. Until recently, if you asked my mom about this she would deny that it ever happened. Not that long ago though my brother told her it was true, that he had been faking not knowing how to use a rag so that I would be the one who always had to clean the bathroom. He still brags about it to this day. Butthead.
I was thinking about this yesterday. I don't know why, maybe I was just in a mood to contemplate injustice or something. But I was thinking about it and it occurred to me that I should make sure that BOTH of my children were skilled in the art of bathroom cleaning. That way neither of the kids would have to grow up with the painful, scarring memory of being forced to do slightly more than their fair share of the work!*
Operation Bathroom was born. I even facebooked it. "I am going to recruit the kids to help clean the bathrooms. It's high time these little monsters started pulling their weight around here. Check back in five minutes for an update about how one of them managed to injure themselves with a toilet brush."**
Ahaha. I'm so funny. I didn't really expect one of them to get hurt. I knew everything would be fine!
I gathered up the cleaning supplies, went into the bathroom and called for the kids to join me in there. Now, most of the time the second I set foot into the bathroom the kids are right outside the door, rattaling the doorknob, shoving notes under the door, asking me questions they could have asked during any of the other 23.9 hours a day we spend together but decided they needed answered at that very second.*** Not this time though. I had to beg, plead and use a Very Serious Tone to get them in there.
Once we got started though it went pretty well. I showed them how to shake the rugs out on the front porch and they liked that. Elle enjoyed sitting on the bathroom counter and wiping off the mirror. Joseph seemed to have fun scrubbing the toilet. It was cute. I liked watching them get so into it. So when Joseph asked if we could have some music on to clean by I was all to happy to oblige him.
I walked into the kitchen and turned some music on the jacked-up "laptop". Then I opened the recently finished running dishwasher and pulled out the racks so the dishes could dry. Then I went into the laundry room off the kitchen so that I could grab a couple of cleaning supplies I forgot. Then I walked out of the laundry room.
That's when Operation Bathroom turned into Operation Disinfect Everything In The Entire Effing Kitchen. Joseph was standing in the middle of the kitchen. Dancing. Wildly and gleefully waving his arms around. With his left arm waving right over the open dishwasher. And in his left hand?
You guessed it.
The still wet and dripping toilet brush.
Because I am a Very Good Mom I didn't get too upset. I just gagged for about half an hour then calmly explained that it's a toilet brush, not a throw your hands in the air and wave em like you just don't care brush and perhaps we should use that as a clue as to where the brush belonged. He seemed to understand and in fact I think he felt a little bad.
He's never going to be allowed to help clean the bathroom again though.
I hate to break it to my brother but he's no longer the king of getting out of stuff. "I don't know how to clean the bathroom" can't hold a candle to "I can't help clean the bathroom because Tik Tok might come on and my spontaneous outburst of joyous dancing may lead to poo water being flung all over your kitchen."
*Although really it wasn't slightly because my brother was always finding ways to get out of doing work. I started doing my own laundry when I was 9. I think my brother started when he was 27.
** My brother's real and actual response to that was "Don't let them snowball you with any of that "I don't know how to clean the bathroom" junk. Take it from me, that line is bull."
*** Best thing yelled to me through the bathroom door in this past week? "Mama, I'm going to eat five or ten pieces of candy while you're in privacy ok?
Two years ago today I added a chapter in Joseph's adoption story.
Tuesday, June 08, 2010
So I'm using my laptop again. Sort of. Jesse has come up with a solution straight out of There, I Fixed It. I can use the laptop but everything shows up on this other monitor that Jesse plugged into the laptop. It takes away some portability factor of the laptop (and turns it into a dining-room-table-top) but on the plus side I can... um... I don't know what the plus side is. Please don't tell the monitor that. I feel like it has the capacity to become angry.
Remember when computers were first invented and scientists proudly showed them off and said that soon there would be one in every home? I think this is the monitor that computer was hooked up to.
This monitor is simultaneously the largest and the smallest thing ever created. I estimate it's weight at about 700 pounds and despite the fact it measures 50 inches across, it's got a 3 inch screen.
The tiny screen is also very dark. I tried photoshopping some vacation pictures but I had to keep making them brighter and brighter just to be able to see them. I loaded one onto flickr and then ran downstairs to the office to see how it looked on a decent monitor. It looked like we had visited Mt Rushmore on the same day the sun exploded.
I ran back upstairs and edited the photo again and tan back downstairs to check the results. I did this several times. 80 billion to be exact. That's how many it took to finish the next installment in The "you must be crazy" Chronicles. Now you might call that extreme devotion to blogging. I call it extreme devotion to avoiding cleaning my bathroom. I figure if I wear myself out running up and down the stairs then when Jesse gets home and sees that the house is a disaster I'll be able to say "Sorry, I know Tuesday is bathroom cleaning day but I am too tired from blogging" and I won't even feel guilty about it because honestly, the one thing I really hate about being a stay-at-home-mom is that it always falls upon me to clean up other people's pee splatters.
Anyway. That's my laptop situation as it stands right now. Well, that and my keyboard is acting a little wonky but I'm afraid to tell Jesse that lest he hook up a typewriter to the laptop. I guess I'm going to have to cave in and buy a new laptop. Sadly, the only way I can afford to do that is to sell a kidney.
Oh, I'm kidding, I would never sell a kidney to get a new laptop. I'm selling one of Elle's. She's the one that broke the old laptop.
Four years ago today parenting was really hard but people using Netflix were awesome.
Five years ago today Joseph wanted to wash an old man.
Monday, June 07, 2010
The "I must be crazy" Chronicles have been put on hold. The laptop holding all my pictures was broken this morning by a small red-haired child.
In other news, Elle is terrified of spiders. If she sees one she will freak out and flail wildly around and anything in her path better watch out.
In other news, it turns out that throwing a laptop to the floor is not a good way to scare a spider away.
In other news, our vegetable garden was attacked by some kind of crazy aggressive weed over the weekend so Jesse and I spent HOURS AND HOURS in the sun pulling weeds. Thank goodness for sunscreen!
In other news, did you know sunscreen has an expiration date? And that it's not really effective after the expiration date?
In other news, having your bra straps rub against and pop your sunburn blisters is even less fun than it sounds.
In other news, this morning I went to pick up a gallon of orange juice that I thought was full but was nearly empty and I way overestimated how much strength I needed to use and ended up hitting my self in the face with the bottle. I have really bad muscle control.
In other news, I nearly bit my tongue off eating an M&M this afternoon.
One year ago today I liked Mike Rowe.
Three years ago today I got pregnant with Little A.
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
Dear Wild Cherry Diet Pepsi,
Today is my second day without caffeine. This morning I tried to start the car with piece of turkey jerky. I miss you.
Dear little bird in my front yard,
I'm sorry I cut down the bush that your nest was in. I didn't realize what I had done until I saw the broken egg. Really, I'm sorry. But can you please stop sitting on the leftover bush stump and tweeting mournfully? You're starting to bum me out.
Thanks for that weird text about your urine last night. You really know how to keep the magic alive.
You are on vacation. Please stop flipping around like that every time you see a baby. Seriously. For a few months let's just focus on things like getting laundry done and the garden weeded.
Dear guy I always see when I drop the kids off at school,
Some days you wear too-tight polo shirts and a bluetooth. Some days you wear hipster t-shirts and a fedora. Can you please decided what type of a douche bag you are and just stick with it already?
Dear Donald Trump,
I think I've finally got it figured out. Everyone you know hates you and they're passive aggressively letting you know that by not telling you how terrible your hair looks. Am I right? Or is it that you pay people to tell you how great your hair looks?
Dear St Joe Meat Market turkey jerky,
You are peppery and delicious and yummy. You taste a lot better than my keys. Trust me on that one.
Two years ago today I exposed myself to the neighbors. Again.
Three years ago today I had a great lining.
Four years ago today I made fun of people on Hot or Not.
Posted by Jen at 3:02 PM
Tuesday, June 01, 2010
As we drove away from Crazy Horse we caught a glimpse of George Washington. He looked concerned. He had every reason to be. We were headed his way. Next up, Mt Rushmore! As always, there are more pictures to be found on flickr. Smile nice!
One year ago today our dishwasher was broken.
Four years ago today Joseph liked Double dare and my dad left the funniest comment this blog has ever received.