Zzzzzzzz....

I was throwing away a used needle and I glanced in the SHARPS box and this is what I saw. Jesse laughed at me for taking this picture but I thought it looked neat.

So far I've been really lucky as far as side effects from the shots. They haven't made me crabby or sick or too terribly headachy. After what I went through with the birth control pills I was really worried. So far, so good.

The only side effect that I'm really starting to notice (aside from some bloating) is that I am flipping tired. I'm not sleeping but my body is just worn out. It's a huge effort to get off the couch at night and go to bed. It's a battle to get anything done around the house because I just have zero energy. We're not even having the garage sale again this weekend because I was just too beat to get anything done. I'm going to try to get more done this weekend so that we're ready for the city wide garage sale next week. We'll see how that goes though because the more shots I take, the more worn out I get. I don't mean to complain though. I really am glad that this has all gone so smoothly.

I got a call from my agency today that June 7th is pretty firm for the transfer. The egg donor is having the retrival done this Saturday. Then I'll fly out for the transfer on the 6th and have the actual transfer of the 5 day old embryos on the 7th. I'll have some bed rest and then come home late on the 8th.

As long as nothing happens with the ED or I in between then, all systems are go. I have another ultrasound tomorrow so I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a nice, thick lining. I'm hopeful that the bloating I'm feeling is a good sign.

The bad news is that I'll have to miss Joseph's last day of school and the city kiddie parade. That makes me sad. I don't like to miss out on things that my kids are doing. I'll have to make it up to them and take them to Disney World when this is all done.

Oh, one more thing. It's crazy how much this whole surrogacy is going to cost. I just got a bill in the mail today for the ultrasound I had a few days ago. (The agency pays for it but we have to send them the bill.) $283 for a 5 minute ultrasound! I can't wait to see what the blood work I had done will cost. It's crazy, crazy!

Singin' in the rain

I don't take nearly enough pictures of my kids. If we're out somewhere doing something I never remember to bring my camera with me. If we're at home and the kids are being cute I find myself thinking "I can't take a picture of that, there's a pile of laundry in the background". A big problem is that I really am not crazy about my camera. I feel like 1 out of 20 shots that I take turn out well. So a lot of the time I just don't bother. And no, you don't need to point out to me that 1 out of 20 is still better than the 0 out of 20 I get when I don't take any at all.

It finally occured to me that in order to start getting better pictures I need to start taking more. I need to practice and play around with what makes a good shot. I know, it's a no brainer but it took me a while to realize that.

Yesterday it was raining like crazy and Joseph wanted to go out and walk in the rain with his umbrella. I stayed on the porch with Elle and I took about 50 pictures of Joseph dancing in the rain. Every time I tried to get a shot of his face he would turn away or move the umbrella. Finally I stopped trying to get one of his face and just concentrated on just capturing the moment. Let me know what you think, I'm pretty pleased with the way a few of them turned out.

And now I'm blind

Warning! Don't read this entry if you are my mother because it will gross you out so much that you won't be able to eat or sleep for days.

This morning Elle was sitting on the couch looking at a book and decided to leave her for 2 seconds so that I could slip into the kitchen and get myself something to eat. I come back into the room to check on her and notice that she's happily gnawing on something yellow.

What's that she's ....... Oh my god! It's my contact case! And it's open!

I rush over and grab the case out of her hands but it's too late. I can see as I'm rushing over that the contents of both sides of the case have been dumped out. And Elle has her tounge stuck into one of the well of the case.

I wrestle it away from her in the hope that maybe, somehow the contacts will still be in there safe and sound. Elle looks pleased as can be and has that "I just swallowed something" look on her face. Yes, she ate one of my contacts.

I found the other contact stuck to the top of the case but the other one is gone for good. Well, I'm sure it will show up sooner or later but I don't think I'll be wanting to use it then.

Wordless Wednesday

Click em while they're down

I was looking through my flickr account and it occured to me that I have about 3 times as many pictures of Elle as I do of Joseph. How sad is that? It looks like I like Elle a lot more than I like Joseph. Here's the thing though. Joseph does not like having his picture taken. No matter what he's doing, if he sees me going for the camera he starts flopping around and he hides his face or he runs away or any of the 8 million other things that he can think of to keep me from getting a picture of him. So I have to be creative. I take pictures when he's not looking (I have so many pics of the back of his head). I take pictures when he's sleeping. I take pictures when he's knocked out on the couch with a bronchial infection and a fever of 101.

By the way, he was able to make his school play where he acted the hell out of his part as Billygoat Gruff #3. More on that later.

Some cool things to share

First of all, this is not a paid post. I got tired of doing those. These are just a couple of cool things I wanted to share.

I want to tell you about my newest addiction. It's called Paperback Swap and all the cool kids are doing it. I have a lot of old books that I know I'll probably never read again but that I just don't want to give away. Now I list all my books at Paperback Swap. When someone requests one of my listed books I send it to them. When they recieve it get a credit to use to pick out any book that any other person on the site has listed. The best part is that you get 3 free credits when you sign up and list at least 10 books. You don't even have to any send books out in order to start getting them back. Wait, I take that back. The real best part is that if you sign up for the site by clicking on the banner I have there on the left then I get a free credit for refering someone. The site is totally free, all you have to pay for is sending out your old books. What have you got to lose?

The second thing I want to share is that I got a flyer in the mail with two codes for a month long free trial of Netflix. If you're never had Netflix before and you would like to give it a try then drop me a line and I'll give you one of the codes. it's free for the for the first month with no obligation to continue after that so, again, nothing to lose.

A poet and I know it

When I was clearing out all my crap to get ready for our garage sale I found a large stack of poems that I had written. Some of them dated back to when I was in high school but a lot of them were from when Joseph was a baby. They're ...... pretty bad. I guess a couple of them are ok but most of them are sort of dopey. I did get a chuckle out of this one though:

It comes in so many colors
green
brown
yellow
orange
It can have so many textures
smooth
chunky
hard
soft
runny
Sometimes it smells like buttered popcorn
Is it possible
That I have spent too much time
Changing diapers?

And I liked this one a lot too:

Skinny girl, oh skinny girl
What happens when
You sit on the toilet?
If you wear a size sero
Is your butt wide enough
To keep you
From falling
In?

This dignity is marked $1. Will you take a quarter for it?

I like garage sales. I like to go to them and find unexpected treasures. I love the thrill of finding a really good deal. Garage sales can be lots of fun. That is, when you're not the one having it.

After the past three days of running a garage sale I've discovered that they're not all that great after all. In fact, they kind of suck. Is there anything more humiliating that sitting at your little card table while total strangers paw through your possesions and try to decided if any of it is worth their precious pocket change? It's not fun watching people turn their noses up at your stuff. It's a little upsetting when someone comes up to you and says "This stuffed animal/blanket/shirt/breast pump accessory kit was marked $1. Will you take 5 cents?" More than once I had to bite my tongue to keep from shrieking things like "That stuffed animal was the one my son got when he was in the hospital for three days with a flu and I was so sick myself that I couldn't even be there with him and he had to ride in the ambulance because I was too sick to drive and my mom had to come and stay in the hospital and she was there when the local VFW came and passed out early Christmas presents to the kids and they gave him a bag and inside was this toy and some nuts and and orange and he didn't eat any of that because he doesn't like nuts or oranges but he loved that stuffed moose and NO YOU CANNOT HAVE IT FOR 5 CENTS!"

Thankfully I never unloaded on anyone like that. I did tell lots of people "no" when they asked me to lower the price of something. I know that's kind of a breach of garage sale etiquette. Whenever I go garage saling I ask people to lower prices. They almost always say yes. So why didn't I do it? I don't know. I guess it's a combination of thinking that everything I own is precious and important and the fact that deep down in my soul I really kind of hate other people.

But 3 days of sitting at a card table and reading books that were supposed to be for sale did teach me a few things about people and they way they behave. I won't go into most of them because they're not very funny or interesting or even very PC in some cases. I will say this though: Old people are the worst garage salers ever.

Over the course of three days we had old people 1)ask us if they could take our neighbors recycling, 2)if they could buy our neighbor's canoe and 3)nag us about selling a power cord that was clearly not for sale. Repeatedly. Several times. Over the course of 2 days. Yes, when we told a guy we would not sell him a cord he actually came back and asked again the next day. His tactics to get us to sell it included saying things like "What are you ever going to do with it?" and "Come on! That would be really great for when I'm using my power washer!" Jesse was always very polite to the man when he told him he couldn't sell it him the cord. It's a good thing he dealt with him because if it was me I probably would have told him about this noew fangled thing called a "store" where you can go and get the things you want without having to harass people for it. Seriously, the guy would not let up. If our garge is ever broken into and our cord goes missing I'll know who to look for.

In closing, garage sales suck. But we did make about $300 and we got rid of a lot of stuff so I guess it's not so bad. I got a little sunburnt but I managed to get a lot of reading done. It's all good. Or rather, it would be all good if someone were to tell me that it was legal to slap people who come into your garage waving their stinky cigarettes all around your non-smaking-home stuff. Seriously people. Get a damned clue.

But yeah, it's all good.

Poor little man

Because Jesse and I both subscribe to the theory of "why do today what you can put of till tomorrow" we're spending today running around and trying to get ready for a garage sale. We've been planning for but not preparing for this thing for months. It's tomorrow and I just started pricing stuff last night.

Most things I'm able to put a fair price on without a problem. The kids clothes are a little harder. I look at an outfit and think "Awwww, this is the shirt Joseph wore for his first day of kindergarten. $80! And this is the shirt Elle had on the first time she said 'mama'. $500!"

The real hard part about today though is that Joseph is home sick. Poor little man. While the rest of his class is rehearsing their plays (to be perfomred tomorrow) he's laying on the couch and wheezing. The little guy has some kind of bronchial infection that will require 4x daily nebulizing. He is not happy about this. Frankly I'm not either. When Joseph ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

Joseph is pretty bummed that he's going to have to miss the end of the year bash at his school tonight. He's been looking forward to that. I supose I should keep him home from school tomorrow too but I don't know if I have the heart to do that. He's been looking forward to this class play for the past month. Maybe I'll just take him in for the play and then whisk him back home for more cartoon and snuggling on the couch.

I'll be sure to update later tonight when I feel myself getting sick. If one of the kids gets something it's pretty much a sure thing I'll get it too.

Eating life

Elle loves blueberries.

No, I mean she really loves blueberries.

She gets a little manic when she eats them.

And now all the blueberries are gone.

My ass isn't lumpy at all!

I mean, it is but only in it's usual lumpy way. Not in a oily, lumpy way. Sweet!

I woke up with a slight headache this morning but otherwise I'm feeling fine. I was warned about how these shots can make you nuts but for right now I feel pretty good. Maybe it's because I've only had one so far. Maybe I'll just be one of the lucky ones who isn't bothered by the hormones. I know that's what Jesse's praying for.
No, that is not the skin of a diseased beluga whale. That is my ass. I would like to point out that this is an extreme close up of a very tiny area of my rear. It's not all that pale and splotchy. The rest is tanned and toned but I didn't want to be a showoff and put a picture of the whole thing up. Also, I fear that not even the internet is large enough to contain the magnifcence of my backside.

Now I can't help but laugh when I think of how sad the googlers will be when they come here looking for pictures of butts and that's what they find.

Gimme your best shot

The first shot, she is done. And it really wasn't all that bad. I sat on a package of frozen spinach (none of them high falutine ice packs for us) for a few minutes first to numb the area. Then I got the medication ready, laid down on the couch and got myself ready. Jesse cleaned the area and then asked me (many, many, many times) "Right here? Like this? All the way in? All the way in? To the blue part? You're sure? Like, fast or slow? Wait, right here?" I turned away and concentrated very hard on reading my book.

Then he did it and I got all hot and sweaty and felt like I was going to pass out. But it really didn't even hurt that much. It was more the worry of how it would feel than anything. But it was ok. We did it! And next time I'll probably even watch.

Now I'm sitting with the heating pad on my hinder. It's supposed to help the oil ditribute easier so that it doesn't make a big lump under my skin. We'll see if that works out.

Rule boy

I sometimes refer to Joseph as "Rule Boy". He doesn't know how to not follow the rules. I mean, he sometimes doesn't follow the rules but he doesn't know how to get away with it. The kid cannot lie. I don't mean he's a bad liar, I mean he cannot lie. Give him long enough and he'll tell me everything even if he doesn't want to.

For example, this past weekend Jesse took Joseph to go and help his dad with some stuff. Joseph told me that while they were there he watched two "fighting shows" on tv. (Fighting shows are anything with any kind of fighting or battles in them. We don't let Joseph watch them because they get him too wound up.) He told me he watched Teen Titans and Pokemon. Now he didn't have to tell me about this and I hadn't asked about it. But all of the sudden out of the blue today he tells me that he watched two fighting shows. I asked him if he told grandma that he wasn't allowed to watch those shows and he said "Well, I wanted to but then J-----* wanted to watch them and he said something and I forgot to say anything. Then I got kind of carried away and I watched them and I thought maybe they were ok shows for me to watch."

See, he just can't stop himself from sharing all the details with me. He's too honest. That's why today after school he told me about his plan to get me to buy a Pokemon gift basket that the PTA was raffling off. "I thought maybe I could ask you to buy it for me but I knew that you didn't want me to have fighting show toys so I knew you would say no. So then I decided maybe I would cry and scream really loud until you got tired of it and bought me what I wanted."

Um, Joseph? That's the sort of plan that kind of loses it's effectivness once you share the details with other people. That's Rule Boy for you though.

* J----- is Jesse's Dad's wifes' son's son. Confused?

The best possible outcome

Woohoo!

Can you guess what the RE's office told me when they called? I can start my meds tonight. Most likely this little snag will not even set the transfer date back at all. It seems like the birth control pills just weren't doing as good of a job as they should have from preventing my uterine lining from building up. Now that I've started my period and the blood tests show that my hormone levels are normal we can get started on injections.

I'm excited!

What I know so far

Not much. I won't really know much until Monday when we find out what the other blood test results are. What I've been told is that most likely we'll just have to move everything back a couple of days. I won't start my meds tomorrow though. I've never been so sad over not being able to have a shot before.

In the meantime I just need to keep my fingers crossed that I get my period. I feel crampy and crabby and achy but at this point it's all much ado about nothing. I feel silly asking people to pray for me to get my period but you know ....... if you have an extra good thought laying around maybe you could send it my way. I really, really want this to work out.

Blood test updates

Aurgh! If all of this had happened on any day except a Friday then this would all be taken care of already. As it stands I was only able to get one of the two blood tests that I needed done. I have made literally dozens of phone calls and there's no way that any place in the entire state of Minnesota will be able to get this second test done before Monday. I don't know what that's going to mean as far as my meds schedulae goes.

The nurses at the RE's office are not answering the phone or returning my messages. I know I'm not the only person they need to deal with today and I'm sure they're busy but given they way the stressed how important all this was you would think they could take 2 minutes to return my call.

I don't know, I guess I've done all I can do at this point. I called the lab that drew my blood and told them to go ahead and send it off for testing on Monday. That's probably the best that I can do. We'll see what happens.

I don't even know what this means

I'm just sick. I went in today for my ultra sound to make sure that I don't have any ovarian cysts. The good news is that I don't. The bad news is that my uterine lining is thickened for some reason. Now I have to try to find someplace that can draw my blood and measure my estrogen and progesteren levels.

I don't even know what's going on. They might be able to adjust my meds and get me back on track but that's a best case scenario. I might have to do more birth control but then that throws off the egg donor stuff and I don't even know what they do then.

The nurse at the RE's office said that this is pretty rare but that it does happen. I just feel like I've somehow gone and screwed something up.

I don't know what to do.

Kids these days

Do not look at the picture on the left if you are under the age of 21! Apparently that's what making kids drink. At least that's what several anti-alcohol groups, such as the Center for Science in the Public Interest and the Marin Institute would have you believe. Critics claim that the drink, called Spykes, is being marketed towards underage drinkers because it it's strong flavors (lime, mango, melon and hot chocolate) mask the taste of alcohol. They also so that it's ingredients (caffeine, ginseng and guarana, which are components of energy drinks) are aimed at making the drink more attractive to underage drinkers.

Anheuser-Busch is caving under the pressure from these groups and removing the drink from the market.

Why does this bug me so much? It's certainly not that I have any allegince to Anheuser-Busch. I have no feelings one way or the other on their company. It's not that I really like Spykes. In fact, before I read the aritcle that inspired this blog entry I had never even heard of Spykes. (Although it does sound kind of good and if I wasn't going to be getting pregnant soon I might go out and get some just for the fun of it.) It bugs me because Anheuser-Busch is caving to the pressure of stupid people. And I hate stupid people making decisions for the rest of us.

Critics of the drink are claiming a that having this drink removed from the market is a victory over underage drinking. Stupid person and Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal said, "This move by Anheuser-Busch, ceasing sales of Spykes after attorneys general raised significant concerns, is a significant victory in the fight against underage drinking."

I would tell Mr Blumenthal that this drink being taken off the market does not mean diddly squat when it comes to underage drinking. No teenager is going to go "Hey! They took my favorite drink off the market! No more partying for me!" And no teenager is going to decided not to start drinking because this product doesn't exsist. They'll just drink something else.

Teenagers drink. It's what they do. I mean, I'm sure my kids never will (humor me ok?) but for the rest of us, we have to deal with the fact that teenagers drink. Let me tell you a couple of stories. I can remember when I was in high school, sitting in a class and being surrounded by people who were so hung over that they could hardly move. It was not at all unusual for people to pour alcohol right into their pop cans and have a drink as class was going on. When my parents were teenagers they drank with their friends. Hell, from what I've heard they probably were the ones that were throwing the parties. One time when my grandfather was a kid a friend of his brought a jug of wine to school. They hid it in the woods and at recess all the kids went and sipped from it.

What do these stories have in common? None of the people in them had Spykes or similar type drinks in them. Kids were drinking long before drinks like this came along and they'll be drinking long after they're gone. If people want to stop underage drinking they need to focus on it's root causes and not on individual products. Do teenagers drink Spykes? I don't know, probably. But if you're going to get rid of a drink just because teenagers drink it then you might want to start with beer or wine coolers or hard liquor or Boone's Farm.

As a parent I realize that underage drinking is a problem but moves like this are simply not the solution. I have no idea what the solution is. Ijust have enough common sense to know that getting one brand of drink taken off the market isn't a victory over anything.

Ultrasounds, ice cream and papers

Someone was watching over me today and I somehow managed to get a ultrasound scheduled for Friday afternoon. The person who scheduled it told me that someone had just called and cancled their appointment 2 minutes before I called to make mine. Otherwise I never would have gotten in. I was also able to schedule my second ultrasound and bloodwork for June 1st so that's one more thing done.

Yesterday Joseph and I went out for ice cream together. I don't get to spend a lot of one on one time with him and I sometimes forget what a pleasure it is to be around him when it's just the two of us. He's sweet and funny and adorable and I miss out on a lot of that stuff when we're home with Elle. I really need to make more of an effort to get him out of the house more often for some "Mom and Joe time" as he calls it.

When we were out yesterday I thanked him for treating me to ice cream (we were using the gift certificate he won in the Best Mom contest). He said "Well thank you too! None of this would have happened if you weren't the best mom in the world!" I got all weepy right there at the table.

Elle is sweet too. She loooooves to color and she does it all the time. Whenever she needs more paper she'll come to me with her hands outsretched and say "Papies?" Come on, that's cute! I hope she says "papies" till she's 22. Then she can say it the right way. It's also cute when she's looking for someone or something and she holds her hands out to the side and says "Is? Is? Is?" then when she finds it (no matter what it is) she says "There she is!" Babies are fun.

Oh, and tomorrow is my last birth control pill. Woot!

Jerry Falwell

“AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals”

“If you're not a born-again Christian, you're a failure as a human being”

“God continues to lift the curtain and allow the enemies of America to give us probably what we deserve”

“[homosexuals are] brute beasts...part of a vile and satanic system [that] will be utterly annihilated, and there will be a celebration in heaven.”

“I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen.'”

Rest in peace Jerry Falwell. May you not be judged as harshly in heaven as you judged your fellow man here on earth.

My attempt at being upbeat

Hey! It's gonna be a great day! Yeah!

Look, I tried ok?

No, I am feeling pretty ok right now. I'm going to make three phone calls today regarding the ultrasound stuff. One to the clinic to find out if the order was resent, one to the RE's office to update them on the ultrasound status and on to my agency to update them on the previous two calls. After that it's going to be out of my hands. There's not too much I can do beyond that I think. I can only do what I can do and after that I have to let other people get their part done.

I actualy got a call yesterday from my agency about something totally unrelated to any of this. Turns out they have a new surrogate in Minnesota who wanted to talk to another MN surrogate and see what the process is like and what kind of a job the agency does. They asked if I would be willing to talk to her. Honestly, I was a little flattered that they asked. So I'm going to call this woman today and hopefully I can answer whatever questions she might have. So far I've been really pleased with my agency so I don't mind giving putting in a good word for them.

On another topic all together, yesterday when I was picking Joseph up from school I ran into the district's autism expert. She checks in with Joseph once in a while and every time I see her she has some funny story to tell me abut something Joseph said or did. Yesterday she told me that she had been working with him on making a little reminder card that he could put on his desk reminding him to hold his pencil the right way when he rights. She asked him if he had a favorite cartoon character that she could put a picture of on the card. He said "Well, my mommy is realy my hero but she doesn't like getting her picture taken so I guess Scooby Doo is good too."

See? I told you he's a sweetie.

I should be in bed right now

I need to go to bed but I know that if I do I won't be able to sleep. I'm all crabby and stressed out.

I have to have an ultrasound on the 18th for some reason or another. I don't really know why. Anyway, today I realized that I didn't know exactly when on the 18th this thing was happening or even where it was supposed to be happening. After a few phone calls I figured out that the orders for the ultrasound were sent from the RE's (reproductive endocronologist) but never reached the clinic here. I don't know how something like that happens but it did.

To make matters worse I called the person who I need to speak to about getting the order resent and she never returned my call. I left two messages but she never fricken called me back. And she doesn't work tomorrow! So now even if someone at the RE's office gets this order sent who knows if the clinic will be able to fit me in for an ultrasound on the day it's needed. I'm probably going to have to end up calling all over town trying to find a place that can squeeze me in for a transvaginal ultrasound at the last minute. Just how I like to spend my afternoon.

I'm a little annoyed because I'm not supposed to have to worry about any of this stuff. It's really all supposed to be arranged for me. It wouldn't be such a big deal really if this wasn't the first time I had done any of this. As it is thought I feel so unprepared and confused by all this. I have to figure out what needs to be done, figure out how to do it and get it done in a very short amount of time. If this doesn't get worked out it could be a potential snag in the whole process. Dangit! I should not have to be doing this!

On the plus side, only 3 days of birth control pills left!

Word to your mother

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there. I hope you all have a great day! I'm already having a pretty good one. Jesse made me breakfast and caught me flowers. Elle's being her usual adorable self. Joseph proclaimed me the best mom in the land.

The bank that my parents go to had an essay contest for kids where they could write about why they had the best mom. Joseph entered and won. Turns out that what I had always suspected was true. I really am the best mom in the world. Anyone who wants to challenge that will have to contend with a laminated copy of the following essay:

"I love my mom because she can play computer with me when Elle, my baby, is sleeping. She likes me. We have stuff in common. We like chocolate. We like Elle. We both like not getting our picture taken. I have the best mom in the world. We love each other. When she gets angry at me she still loves me. She likes it when I watch my baby sister."

Oh that boy. I do love him so. Even when I get angry.

I'm calm now but I still hate people

Ok, I feel a little better now. People still suck but I can't let myself get bogged down with other people's issues.

Onward and upwards!

Jesse, Joseph and I had dinner with my IF's and their son last night. It was a really nice night out. Joseph and LittleB get along really well and had lots of fun playing and feeding the geese that live outside the restaurant. It was nice to sit and talk with the B and J. We talked about just about everything under the sun and it never felt weird or awkward. I think we really click and I'm glad of that. I think this whole process could be really weird if you weren't comfortable with your IPs.

At the end of the night I think LittleB would have happily gone home with us or Joseph would have happily gone home with B and J. They really had a lot of fun together. At one point LittleB (sorry, I know it's cheesy but I can't think of what else to call him) got up to go to the bathroom and Joseph was sad that he couldn't go with. I asked him if he needed to go to the bathroom too and he said "No, I just really love that guy!" Sweet.

At one point he also loudly announced to the entire room that when he eats pizza it goes in his stomach and then comes out his butt. Not as sweet as the other thing he said.

The internet is an asshole

Augh! How many times to I have to let myself get burned by involvment in message boards before I realize that everyone on the internet is a giant jerk and that I'm better off staying away from all of them?

Stupid online surrogate group. For a bunch of women that prides themselves on how open and supportive and loving they are they sure to suck. A warning to anyone thinking of joining a message board for surrogates: Unless you're willing to fall in with the group-think that selective reduction is the worst crime known to man and anyone that does it is a horrible person and should have their kids taken away from them then don't even bother to start posting.

Fuck. Sometimes I really hate the internet.

Thoughts on spanking

Back when I was a youngster I used to think that if I ever had kids I would probably use spanking as a form of discipline. What the heck, I thought. Most of the kids I babysat for were spanked every so often. In fact, the father of one little boy I sat for a few times gave me permission to spank if need be.

Sit back and think about that for a minute. I'm trying to wrap my brain around the idea of telling a 15 year old "Yeah, go ahead and hit my kid if you think he deserves it". Can you imagine? Not ever in my wildest dreams or my very worst nightmare would I ever say something like that. (For the record, I was a really good sitter. All the kids I watched really liked me and no, I never spanked any of them.)

Anyway, as I grew older I started to rethink this whole spanking thing. I knew that I had been spanked a few times as a kid (I don't remember it, I've just been told that) and that didn't sit right with me. (Again, for the record, my parents now think spaking is wrong and would probably rip me a new one if I ever dared to spank one of their grandbabies.) I didn't like the idea of parents hurting their own children even if it was done with the best of intentions.

When Jesse and I were dating we talked about this and he said that he thought spanking was ok. I informed him that I would never have kids with someone who spanked. He came to see things my way.

Jump forward to when Joseph was 2 and a half and he had developed a love affair with the knobs on the stove. This worried me to no end. I tried everything to get him to stop playing with those knobs. I scolded, I pleaded, I offered distractions, I raised my voice, I tried to block his access to them. Nothing worked. Then one day I thought "What if I slapped his hand the next time he reached for the stove? It's not really spanking and it would be for his own good. I would be keeping him safe!"

So I had a plan. The next time Joseph went after the stove knobs I picked him up and moved him away. I told him firmly that he could not play with the knobs. He went right back to them and reached his little hand up. With a pit in my stomach I "slapped" his hand. (Now again, for the record, I really hardly even tapped him. I have since given him countless playful slaps on the behind that have been harder than that little hand slap.)

I watched his face and waited for his reaction. You know, if he had cried I think I would have been ok. If he had cried I could have said to myself "Now he gets it. I didn't want to do it but now he's learned that touching the stove is dangerous."

But he didn't cry.

He just looked really suprised. And that killed me. All I could think was "Oh my god! What have I done? This little boy trusts me to keep him safe and not to hurt him and I just broke that trust! I hurt my little boy! How could I do that? What kind of a horrible mother am I?"

I was sick to my stomach about the whole incident. Such a reaction on my part probably wasn't logical since Joseph seemed to forget the whole thing in about two seconds (and yes, he reached for the stove again) but all I knew was that I knew 100% for sure that I would never hit another child ever again.

I'm not a pefect mom. I get angry. Sometimes probably angrier than I should. My kids sometimes do things that leave me thinking "Well what in the hell do I do now?" I get confused and I get frustrated. But I've never again hit one of my babies. And I never will.

Hitting is a bottom line for me. I can accept lots of parenting differences but I can't accept the idea that spanking is ok. I don't care if it's done out of love. I don't care if it's done out of anger. I've said it .before and I'll say it again: It's wrong to hit your children. Bottom line.

I'm curious what other people's bottom lines are. Is there anything that you think is outside the bounds of "parenting differences"? Or do you think there are no hard and fast rules when it comes to raising kids?

Sweet fancy Moses

My meds came today.


See those bags on the left and the right there? Know what those are? Bags of needles. And I am now the proud owner of my very own SHARPS container. Oh my god, what have I gotten myself into here?

Like a rhinestone cowgirl

Several days ago Elle ate a rhinestone off of one of her little girly hair bows.

I found it this morning.

I wish I could say that I just threw that diaper away without a second thought but that's not the way it went. I debated long and hard about taking a picture of that bejeweled poop. You know what made me decided not to do it? Not good taste or common sense or a sense of respect for my daughter's privacy. It was that I knew I wouldn't be able to get a good picture of it with my current digital camera.

I've added a new camera to my wishlist down there on the left. I'm sure that very soon all my regular readers (all 2 of you) will be chipping in to get me that new camera so that I can start bringing you more high quality, high class pictures. Yes, I expect that you'll be getting right on that.

Pretty girl

I had Elle's year and a half pictures taken on Tuesday. Even though these are just scans of some of the proofs you can still see how beautifuly they turned out.

Come to this blog for giant schlongs!

Do you know how many hits I have gotten lately for people looking for boob and vagina pictures? A lot. How let down people must feel when they click over to my blog. I'm Jen and I'm doing my part to sexually frustrate the men of America (and Saudi Arabia if my sitemeter is to be believed). Some recent google hits:

pictures of kids attatched to their moms boobs - Oh, ewwwww.

hairy fragina pictures - I bet this person is stalking me now.

will a girl get pregnant if you kiss a boob? - Thanks abstinence-only sex ed!

girl touching her vagina with her boob - Ahahahahahaha.

my friend might have boob cancer and how can I cure it - Um. Is it wrong that I laughed at this? Probably.

On another note, I just found out that I will be getting my medication delivered on Monday. They asked me about 5 times if I was sure I would be there to receive the delivery. I guess this stuff is pretty expensive and they don't want a shipment to go missing. I'll have to take a picture of it so everyone can see everything I'll be shooting into my butt for the next few months. If nothing else it might make people more sympathetic to me when I start to become a total bitch because of the hormones.

I have to have what's called a uterine lining check before the transfer (to make sure the meds are doing their job) and that should be scheduled by tomorrow or Monday. I've got my call to go over my medication schedule and protocol scheduled for the 17th. I still don't know where I'm supposed to go to learn how to take the shots but we're slowly getting all the pieces into place. It's all coming together now.

On another note, let me tell you about the strangest thing Jesse ever said to me. We were sitting out on the porch together and I was reading a book. Jesse watched this couple riding by on bikes and after they had passed he said to me "These people just rode by on matching bikes. It looks like they won them in a contest or something."

I was wondering how people could look like the bikes they were on were won in a contest and I pictured the bikes having balloons and streamers and giant novelty checks attatched to them. "Why do you think they won them in a contest?" I asked.

"Oh" he responded "they just don't look like the type of people that would buy bikes."

Huh. They don't look like the type of people that would buy bikes? But they do look like the type of people who would enter a contest to win matching bikes and then ride them around town? He is so weird sometimes.

Fragile, must be Italian

I've won a major award. Let me clarify. I've won a major award twice. Seems that two people out there think that I have what they consider a "thinking blog". A blog that makes them think. I am honored and flattered and more than a little suprised that I have made anyone think anything other than "Shut up crazy lady! Your uterus and the things that you expel from it are not nearly as interesting as you think they are!" So thank you to Jodi and Jill who have made me feel down right good in spite of the killer hormones raging through my body right now. You're both tops.

This award appears to carry huge responsability. I now have to go and give it to 5 other people. At least that's what the rules say that you're supposed to do. But guess what. I'm not going to. I'm going to give it to just one person. And I have a good reason beyond being too lazy to do more. The reason is that when I was given this award I knew right away one person that I wanted to pass it on to. There was one name and one name only that popped into my head. Don't get me wrong, there are lots of blogs that I love and lots that make me think or laugh or cry or even cringe but this one is just different. Maybe it's because she often manages to make me to all those things in just one post. So Melody, this one's for you!

If you have not yeat had a chance to read Slurping Life then I suggest you go and do so right now. Melody is the mother of 4 boys and she talks about her life with her 3 youngest children with an honesty that sometimes takes my breath away. Her posts about her boys have made me stop and think and take a look at the way I think about my own children. I love this quote from her blog "In sharing photos and a few words from our day to day life, I hope to help you look at your life with humor and with the reality that you do what you can do when you can do it...then you eat chocolate and drink wine."

So go, and read her. Tell her I sent you and tell her how much I covet the giant yard/forest/nature preserve that she has for her boys to play in. Trust me, you'll be glad you took the time to check her out.