My textures bring all the boys to the yard

I don't want to alarm anyone but it appears I have a stalker. Ok, maybe not a stalker but an admirer. All right, not an admirer but someone who acknowledges my existence. I guess maybe she doesn't know I exist but she at least likes my photography. Or rather, she likes one picture I took.

Pioneer Woman used one of my pictures in one of her "photo assignment" posts. This picture to be exact:

I expect that any minute now I'll be catapulted in the exciting world of high profile photography bloggers. I know that soon people will be knocking on my door to invite me to blogging conferences where I'll be given expensive cameras. Soon, very soon.

Yes, any second now...

Hey, in the meantime let me tell you about a few of my recent google hits!
no mustache could have been any clipper song - Ha! See? It's not just me!
does using dixie paper plates make me a good mom? - No. I've gone into great detail about this.
when i eat my head leaks - Err...
the problem with asking a girl to do the poop song - This is what I get for calling this blog Problem Girl. Everyone looking for help with their girl problems ends up here. And a lot of people have girl problems that involve poop.

I could do this all day but now I have to go and pack. I want to be ready when the people who want me to publish a book of my textured photos need me to fly to LA and do lunch.

Two years ago today I was not in the best of moods.
Three years ago today I had a tough day with Joseph but then the kids were cute and even cuter.
Four years ago today I no longer worried about pooping while giving birth.

Sometimes Google hurts my feelings

Latest search term to bring someone to my blog? "show me the blog of a person who has a weird vagina and is a weird person"

Sigh.

One year ago today I hated that damned Dixie paper plate commercial.
Two years ago today I had some thoughts on Deadliest Catch.
Three years ago today I had some advice for Nick Lachey.

The good, the bad and the downright gross

Yesterday was my four year blogiversary. I didn't even realize it until I was finished with my entry but there you go. It's somewhat poetic that neither my first entry nor my entry four years later got any comments. (I hope that anyone who thought about commenting on my last post instead went and left a comment on Shannon's blog.)

I get fair amount of traffic to this blog. And by fair amount I mean more than the six or so visitors a day I used to get. I get a ton of google hits. Most of the time they're for things like "girl pooping" or "girl problems" or "zicam and breastfeeding" or "detachable penis". I do get hits once in a while that kind of amuse and/or horrify me. A few recent ones are:

story about a girl who causes a problem but then helps to fix the problem and with her help the effets of the problem are reduced in her community and a lesson is learned - I find this one very cute for some reason.

say a girl is 19 and a boy is 13 does the boy need to wear a condom - What the boy needs is the police. Seriously. That's .... wow.

is it common for college students to wear diapers - Sure. If they're super freaky.

girl who poops on the toilet and then feeds there baby out there boobs pictures - Good lord. What an oddly specific fetish.

am i hot if i am fat and eat cake? - As one fattie to another? Yes. Yes you are.

I think I have Assbugers - "don't care about other people don't like people" - I think it's breaking an internet law if you diagnose yourself with something you can't even spell.

oobi on noggin breastfeeding - :o

So you can see why I've kept at this for four years. It's not the four cents a day I make on ads. It's not the avalanche of comments I get on every post. It's not even the knowledge that I am providing a much needed service to the world. (Because if I don't mommy blog, who will?) It's the ability to connect with the freaks that keeps me around. Because if I don't blog how else will I know about your poop fetish?

One year ago today I laughed at earnest people.
Four years ago today I was the most boring person on the face of the planet and I feared pooping while giving birth.

Jen according to Google

Let's see what Google says about me shall we?

Jen is.....
thrilled to announce that she will join Jewel on tour this summer.
getting her gear laid out and looking over her maps.
at the docor getting her throat checked out.
actually a native american.
building a travel website based on the idea that anyone can have fun in Las Vegas.
dressed so sexy and wearing an S & M black mask.
a lofty thing.
networking with other authors, and writing in her many blogs.
an ugly lady who nobody is jealous of.
so much prettier than Angie could ever be.

Jen loves....
boobies.
to karaoke.
llamas.
children and is always a hit at the family functions.
the jazz hands, too.
Celine Dion and Whitney Houston, and the occasional flashback to the 90’s.
everything blue, and is always on the phone.
helping people feel good about themselves.
playing with cell phones of any kind.
cooking and eating, though isn't particularly good at the washing up.

Jen hates.....
Angie with every fibre of her well-toned being.
me for no reason.
it when I take pictures of her.
AOL.
arrogance, jealousy and deceit and admits to being too high maintenance.
the pressure her fame puts on all of her relationships.
attention.
that she is portrayed in this travel blog as a big drinker.
children.
sauce and seafood both.

This is more fun that it should be. Just enter your name into google and see what comes up.

My mommyblog brings all the boys to the yard

You guys. There are some freaks in this world. And some stupid people. And a lot of stupid freaks. I know this because I have a blog and I have a stat meter that tells me what search terms people use to get to my blog. And I know I'm not the only one. Anyone who has a blog for more than three days has gotten a hit from someone googling "how to touch a breast" or "is it bad if my toddler eats dog poop". Here are a couple of my latest and greatest hits.

girls major pooping problems

dream i had a pennis i am a girl

can i ask what are lady lumps (Yes. Yes you may.)

post your vagina photos

does it hurt girls when they squirt?

dancing bbobs

tips for eating a girls ass (Don't do it. It gives girls major pooping problems.)

horse with milk hot girl (Huh?)

girl who has a sex problem with a blog

internet quiz for assbugers

I have hot poope problem? (I..... don't know.)

Google hits of the week

mexicans doorbell

why men love milk balls of girl

Just call me Toilet Girl

toilet girl biggest shit she ever makes

Thanks Google. You're making the world a better place.

Help me Dr Google!

I know that no one cares about this but me but apparently my blog is the number one place to go if you think your ultrasound might be wrong. In the last 24 hours I've had nearly 100 hits from google searches like this:
"if you see penis on baby sonogram could it be wrong" - If seeing a penis is wrong then I don't want to be right.

"told its a boy it turned out girl" - Maybe this isn't about an ultrasound. Maybe it was about a blind date gone terribly wrong.

"girl turned to boy ultrasound" - That sounds magical.

"baby boy or girl - how often are ultrasounds wrong?" - I don't think they're wrong very often but it seems like a lot of people out there are really wishing they would be.

And then I've got the usual assortment of freaks and weirdos:
"girl wear maxipad" - Fire bad. Maxipad good.

"video girl sitting cushion" - Hmmmm. Yes, I see.

"i feel like there is water stuck after using neti pot" - Welcome to my world.

"i'll take care of it myself joke" - This sounds like a fun person to be around. At least they want their passive aggressive guilt trips to be amusing to others.

"who can test dust for me and tell me if it was from 9/11" - What do you want to bet that this is someone who bought some 9/11 dust on ebay and wants to be sure it's authentic?

"why are you proud of your family when they are not proud of you" - Oh, wait. That one was mine.

"a place were there can take a baby out my stomach" - Eek. Get thee to a Planned Parenthood. Also, get thee back to school.

"how to stop crying about problems" - You think you've got it bad? Did you hear about the people who's doctor admitted he was attracted to their baby?

Google is love

Like many of my fellow bloggers out there I get a lot of odd google hits. Here are some of my recent favorites.

"if someone eats something and it is not good what should the girl do in school?" - I admit that this one has me totally baffled. I cannot figure out what in thw world they could be asking about.

"can baby have adhd" - My three month old is distracted by shiny things. Should I medicate him? Searches like this scare me.

"how to deal with a girl that doesnt like you and how to make her like you" - Treat her bad and then don't call her for weeks at a time. That's what always seemed to get me to like a guy back in my younger days.

"if doctor said baby is good looking, he means boy or girl" - It clearly means your doctor is attracted to babies. And whatever you do, don't ask the doctor what he means. Turn to google for help analyzing his cryptic comment.

"boob glorious boobs" - I only find this interesting because I get so many of them. And they're almost always from somewhere in the middle east. I don't know what that means.

"how a girl feels when pregnant day 1" - Hung over. At least that's the way it worked for me.

"jenn slips" - Yes, sometimes I do. No one really knows through because whenever it happens I turn it into a funky little dance move so that everyone around me thinks I did it on purpose.

"we see a clear picture of penis on sonogram could it still be a girl" - Sure! Congratulations on your bundle of disapointment and resentment!

Come to this blog for giant schlongs!

Do you know how many hits I have gotten lately for people looking for boob and vagina pictures? A lot. How let down people must feel when they click over to my blog. I'm Jen and I'm doing my part to sexually frustrate the men of America (and Saudi Arabia if my sitemeter is to be believed). Some recent google hits:

pictures of kids attatched to their moms boobs - Oh, ewwwww.

hairy fragina pictures - I bet this person is stalking me now.

will a girl get pregnant if you kiss a boob? - Thanks abstinence-only sex ed!

girl touching her vagina with her boob - Ahahahahahaha.

my friend might have boob cancer and how can I cure it - Um. Is it wrong that I laughed at this? Probably.

On another note, I just found out that I will be getting my medication delivered on Monday. They asked me about 5 times if I was sure I would be there to receive the delivery. I guess this stuff is pretty expensive and they don't want a shipment to go missing. I'll have to take a picture of it so everyone can see everything I'll be shooting into my butt for the next few months. If nothing else it might make people more sympathetic to me when I start to become a total bitch because of the hormones.

I have to have what's called a uterine lining check before the transfer (to make sure the meds are doing their job) and that should be scheduled by tomorrow or Monday. I've got my call to go over my medication schedule and protocol scheduled for the 17th. I still don't know where I'm supposed to go to learn how to take the shots but we're slowly getting all the pieces into place. It's all coming together now.

On another note, let me tell you about the strangest thing Jesse ever said to me. We were sitting out on the porch together and I was reading a book. Jesse watched this couple riding by on bikes and after they had passed he said to me "These people just rode by on matching bikes. It looks like they won them in a contest or something."

I was wondering how people could look like the bikes they were on were won in a contest and I pictured the bikes having balloons and streamers and giant novelty checks attatched to them. "Why do you think they won them in a contest?" I asked.

"Oh" he responded "they just don't look like the type of people that would buy bikes."

Huh. They don't look like the type of people that would buy bikes? But they do look like the type of people who would enter a contest to win matching bikes and then ride them around town? He is so weird sometimes.

Google scares me

I know I do this a lot but I the search terms that bring people to this blog never cease to amaze and amuse me. Here's a couple of the recent ones:
what do bras do - I can't decide if this is hilarious or sad. Maybe a little bit of both.

oogles of boobies - What do you suppose this person was hoping to find?

wonderful boobs - Well thank you very much!

remove bra blogspot - What an oddly specific request. "I want to see someone remove their bra but I want to see it on blogspot only!"

examples of people great people who did great deeds - No, really. You're too kind.

water coming out both nostrils the why - It's because you almost the drowned.

I don't have the link for this one anymore but a couple of days ago I got this one too: "what is a better way to snort drugs up your left or right nostril" Drugs are good for you as long as you remember to snort them on the right side and not the left.

Adventures in Google

I always feel a little bad when people come to my blog because they've googled something and somehow got the idea that I had information about it. So as a public service, let me answer a few google queries.

PROBLEM THAT RAVEN-SYMONE HAVE FACE - Er. Hmmmm. I don't think she has a problem with her face other than it looks like her eyebrows were drawn on with a Sharpie. I'll have to look into this one further.

driving when you are drunk disadventages - Well, you could die. You could kill someone. You could get arrested. Those are just a few. Now let's talk about the disadventages of using Google while being a dumbass.

will standing in dog mess harm the baby when your pregnant - I'm sorry, I can't offer any help here. All I can do is imagine someone stepping in dog poop and standing there thinking "Oh no! Is this ok for the baby? I have to google this!" And seriously, unless you're up to your nose in the stuff or rubbing into open open sores, why would it hurt your baby? As an aside, I always cracks me up when people "ask" google questions.

raven symone how much is he worth - I'm not sure if this is aking what Raven Symone is worth is you're asking Raven Symone what someone is worth. The answer to either question is: $1.12.

A couple of other hits I've gotten that I no longer have the log for are:

does pregnancy trigger labor - Yeah, I think this is a pretty big cause of labor.

does spaghetti trigger labor - Yes. Spaghetti has just the right combination of pasta and sauce to trigger labor. It's like nature's pitocin.

where does Raven Symone have her abortions - I .... um.... hmmmm.... I'm gonna have to do a little research on this one.

breastfeeding Zicam - You can try it if you want to but I'm pretty sure it's not going to work. Freak.

Wanna help me out? Click and find out how to get paid to blog.

Crack is wack

And so is Google. What bring people to my blog? Mostly people that can't spell.
poop while giving birth - Ok, you talk once or twice about how this is your biggest fear and it gets you blog 10-20 hits a week.

tounge irritations pregnancy - I know nothing about this. I always feel a little bad when someone comes to my blog looking for information that I don't have.

( Jayz) Big pipin - I knew that title would come back to haunt me.

"pooped his pants" - I get a lot of these too. Gross.

repetative behavior - Searching works better when you are a good speller.

lavander penis facts - I....don't ..... know.

"male nurse"+suppositories - Sigh.

images of raven symone (shoes) - Why would someone look for this?

I've also gotten the following that I no longer have the links for:
raven symone do she do crack
raven symone how many piercings do she have
raven symone has she got a baby (I get variations of this nearly every day)

So my question is this: Why do people who search for (but cannot spell) Raven Symone seem to have such problems with basic grammer?

Great Googley Moogley

I just got the best Google hit ever! what are the disadventages of having the internet in your home

Glad to be of help to spelling challenged people everywhere as they decide if they should go ahead and use that free AOL disk or not.

What was I thinking?

What was a thinking naming my last entry "Big PIPin'"? I've gotten about a dozen hits from people looking for that exact thing. I'm thinking they had to be a little let down with what they found.

In other news, no call from the agency today. I'm sure I won't hear anything over the weekend either. I guess that means either the PIPs hate me and don't want to work with me or that ...... they haven't decided yet for some reason. I don't know.

In yet other news, Elle took her first steps today. Ok, so they were more like little shuffles and it sort of made her move sideways rather than forward but I'm still counting it as her first steps. She's so proud of herself! She stands there with a big smile on her face and her chest all puffed out. It's cute.

Oh Google

I just got the strangest Google hit ever!
woman who's face looks like buzz lightyear

Some other strange ones:
"clean-out shot for dogs after giving birth" - The hell?
"nudity among family" - I hate when my innocent posts lead pervs to my blog.
"raven-symone who she got pregnant by" - I get a lot of these for some reason.
"has anyone in this family ever seen a chicken?" - Ha!

Glad I could help

Today someone came to my site through Google after searching for "baby always has green boogers in her nose". I'm sorry I'm not able to offer some helpful advice.

Today some nice ladies came to the door to talk about forming a neighborhood watch. We talked about how we noticed how not nice the neighborhood had gotten recently. They seemed so sweet and good-intentioned that I didn't have the heart to tell them we're planning on getting the heck outta Dodge soon and that I wouldn't be able to help them with their neighborhood watch. It's a good idea but I think it might take more than that to change things around here.

We've been getting at least one phone call a day for some politician or another. I've started telling them all that I'm notgoing to vote. It seems to bother them but the fact is that there is no canidate for any office that I can throw my support behind 100%. They're all bad. Plus, my one little vote won't make a difference. This will be the first election since I was able to vote that I won't vote in. I feel so American.