Tuesday, July 01, 2008

I'm not strong so I leak when I eat marinara sauce

If you want to see me reach Hulk-like levels of rage then force me to watch this commercial for Dixie paper plates.

Aurgh! JEN SMASH!!! Let's take it line by line shall we?

Nitwit #1 - *breathy laugh* "I will no longer be defined by the number of dishes I wash." *breathy laugh*
My response: Why were you defining yourself by that in the first place? Is there anyone, ever, in the entire history of the world who defined themselves by how many dishes they washed? No. Do you know why? Because it's stupid and no one actually thinks that that way. And as long as your kitchen isn't a total shithole (um) no one else cares how many dishes you wash either.

Nitwit #2 - "I'm trading in my apron for something a little more glamorous!" *ditzy giggle*
My response - Oh come on! Before you started using paper plates you didn't have five minutes to sit down and let your daughter paint your nails because you were just that busy wearing your apron and washing dishes? Yeah. I buy that. Because I have no brain and I'm just a stupid woman and all I know is that I like pretty things like nail polish.

Nitwit #3 - "I deserve a paper plate that's as strong as I am. It has to stand up to my grandmother's marinara without soaking through."
My response: I don't even get what you're trying to say here. Does the paper plate have to be as physically strong as you are? Because I don't think that's going to happen. There's a reason you don't see the paper plates carrying in the groceries. Or do you mean as emotionally strong as you are? And how strong does one have to be in order to stand up to marinara sauce? This is the worst part of the whole commercial because it makes no fricken sense! It would be better if she said "I deserve a paper plate that's as strong as I am. If I can handle my grandmother's marinara without leaking, my paper plate should too." It wouldn't make any sense but at least it would make me laugh.

Nitwit #4 - "My children come first, it's as simple as that."
My response: My children come first too. That's why I would like to leave them a planet not clogged up with crap that I used once and then threw away when I had a perfectly good and reusable alternative at my finger tips.

Nitwit #3 again: "And I'm proud to use Dixie Ultra paper plates if it means fewer dishes and spending time with my family."
My response: The whole commercial (and this part in particular) ignore one very important fact. Plates are about the easiest, quickest type of dish to wash. Cups, silver wear, pots and pans? All harder to wash than plates. If you're hand washing then plates usually don't need more than a swipe or two with a soapy dishrag. If you have a dishwasher plates can be tossed in any old way. There's nothing hard about plates. Therefor there is no reason to be "proud" for finding a replacement for them. There is no way, by any stretch of the imagination that using disposable plates make you a better mother. Period.

And do I even need to point out that there are only women in this commercial? Because only women do dishes I guess. Only women would be proud of finding a way to spend 8.6 seconds more with their family a day.

So. Yeah. I really, really hate that commercial. What commercials do you hate?


Ben said...

Any commercial for "personal male enhancement" pills.
Come on guys, think about this one. If there was actually a pill you could just take to make your wang bigger, would it be:

a) advertised only on Spike TV at 1 in the morning


b) the single most consumed product in the history of anything, ever?

And don't get me started on those credit monitoring services. "If only I had known my credit score was so low, I......guess I wouldn't have applied for that loan. So really, my situation would be no different."

Anonymous said...

Check out this video:

It gets at this entire issue of products being marketed specifically to women. While there are endless numbers of offensive commercials that are insulting in how they portray both men and women, these yogurt commercials may be the worst!

Laggin said...

I have a murderous urge with regard to the Snuggle bear. I harbor intense malice for that bear. (I LOVE stuffed animals, by the way.) It's illogical and without explanation. I detest that bear . . . ESPECIALLY when he dances or giggles.

Otherwise, I'm a kinda nice person.

shyestviolet said...

J and I like to throw things at the TV and yell at it when commercials like this come on. lucky for us, we're in full-on DVD mode. (and I tape all my other shows. fast forwarding rocks!)

Manager Mom said...

OK - I am just as enraged as you are. Seriously, it had to be wife-hating ancient men that made this steaming pile of crap that passes for a commercial.

Jen said...

ben - The credit report one that I hate the most is the one where the guy laments marrying the girl of his dreams and not knowing she had such bad credit. He wishes he was alone and living in a nicer place. Makes me hope the creep lives in a gutter for the rest of his life. Because he's totally real and all.

Anonymous - That is hilarious! Thank you so much for sharing that link.

laggin - I don't hate the Snuggle Bear. I'm afraid to. If I hate him he might come kill me while I sleep. Don't tell him I said that.

shyesviolet - I don't think you're allowed to like DVDs. That sounds like something only a man would enjoy. Shouldn't you be wearing your apron right now?

manager mom - It's one commercial that has made me activly avoid purchasing the product it's trying to promote. For the rest of my life if I ever have to buy paper plates I'm going to buy any brand other than Dixie.

Anonymous said...

I don't watch much TV and I forward over commercials, but I am so glad you do because this was an AWESOME post.

Ferdinand the Duck said...

First of all, this post is love.

Second of all:

I think my favourite part is when he calls the cereal "cute" and bitchface in the red shirt immediately corrects him with "fabulous", because I guess "cute" just wasn't stereotypically faggy enough for her.

Oh wait no, my favourite part is actually "darling, you started the club," because WTF?! That doesn't make sense!

susan said...

Charmin Bears. 'Nuff said.

Oh, and the new Klondike ones. "So-and-so wasn't a total jerkface to his wife. Give that guy a Klondike bar! Because he's so unusually awesome and great for putting up with her lame stories and for not checking out some other woman's ass."

Beany said...

Charmin Bears!!!!!!! Especially the ones where they scrub each other's ass with a broom. Gah! The sound effects are even worse. I just want to shower after I've seen it.

Tink said...

I won't even go into all the commercials I hate - although some of them are mentioned here.

I will say this: If those paper plates are so damn strong, I need to get some out here to get me moved tomorrow. I certainly don't want to do it. I can spend more time with my husband! :-)

charmingdriver said...


First, I love the Charmin Bears, nay I LURVE the Charmin Bears. Sorry for ruining the curve for the rest of you. SUCKAHS!!

Second, I am pretty much the wet dream of all marketing departments because I love commercials - LOVE THEM and will pretty much try anything once if the ad is cute enough.

That said, those yogurt commercials pretty much make me want to throw bricks because: Way to reduce women to shoe shopping, man chasing and bridal duties all in one fell swoop, yogurt people.

Also, medication commercials that are all, ''Are you breathing? Walking? Living? Sleeping? Do you sometimes find yourself....eating? THEN TRY OUR PILLZ!!!'' ...Not that I have a dang thing against medication but yeah. Sometimes their claims/ads are reaching, to put it mildly.

Jen said...

wheelsonthebus - Aww shucks. I just put this up here because everyone I know in real life is tired of hearing me bitch about this.

ferdinand - That commercial makes me want to take a long shower and then lay down for a while. "Darling, you started that club"? The hell? It's like whoever wrote that commercial read a two page booklet entitled "How to Speak Like Teh Gayz."

susan - Ha! I almost worked my hatred for those commercials into this post. I CANNOT STAND them. "Because men deserve treats when they show basic respect to their wives."

beany - I'm going to pretend I don't know what you're talking about because I like to block the Charmin bears from my mind. Those ads are gross and stupid and NOT REAL!

tink - Be sure o wear your apron and paint your nails. Women care about those things you know!

Charming Driver - Then what about the ads that say things like "Did you ever take pill XYZ? Do you know someone who took pill XYZ? Did you once see an ad for XYZ? Then you might be able to sue! Dear attorneys who make those commercials. You are scuzzy.

Alison Wonderland said...

I'm completely addicted to my DVR and I DO NOT watch commercials but I was just today thinking about writing a post about a stupid radio commercial I keep hearing where they tell people driving big SUVs that they spend $300/ month on gas and they could lease some little other kind of car for $275/ month and then they would only have to drive the SUV when they had "major hauling" to do. And this is somehow supposed to save people money.
Because said little car is only going to require $10 in gas/ month and you're going to insure it for free?!!!! I feel really sorry for someone who listens to that commercial and buys into it. Except, if they're that short sighted they deserve what they get. Maybe they won't be able to get the new car anyway because they don't have a debt monitoring agency ;)

Jen said...

Delurking to say that the Subway "5 dollar FOOT-LONG!!!!" ad makes me want to pull out my hair and throw things at the tv. Hate.

Christopher said...


Sorry if this posts twice, but I really do feel I have to share the sheer hatefulness of this advert with the world...

Jen said...

alison - I wonder if people really fall for that. I'm sure some do. Still, that's a special brand of stupid right there.

jen - Great, now it's running though my head now. I hope you're happy! ;)

christopher - Did I hear that right? Did they call the first hairstyle the "floppy puppy"? Ugh. I'm grossed out by tht whole thing.

Joy said...

I hate:
the quiznos commercial where the girl eats the $5.
the capri sun commercial where the lifeguard walks and falls cause the stairs are gone and the little boy gives the evil grin

Christopher said...

I ehard "fluffy puppy", but after "everyone knows a bloke like Mickey" I also heard "and they all hate the smug prick" so my hearing probably needs testing.

Cinthia said...

Don't hate me, but I've always thought that the person that comes up with disposable pots and pans is going to make a fortune!

nell said...

Jen, I love you. You are awesome. I don't ever watch TV, so it's actually pretty amusing to watch this commercial, irritating as hell, but amusing nonetheless.

You commentary on it was not irritating at all - freaking brilliant.

Black Hockey Jesus said...

Holy shit this was funny, from Jen Smash all the way through.

My kids come first blah blah blah.

Yeah? Well then how about you shut your fucking mouth about the paper plates?

So funny. That commercial really pissed you off.