Randomosity

I have developed an allergy to something that causing me to itch terribly and break out in hives all over my body.  I can't figure out what it is since I haven't changed soap or laundry detergent or anything else that I can think of.  I know I should probably go in and get tested but I worry they might tell me I'm allergic to chocolate and then I would have to curl up and die so for now I'm just hoping it goes away and using a lot of that pink lotion you use when you step in poison ivy.  It's a really cute look.

We finally got the siding fixed on our house.  Some of it blew off in the fall during a big storm and we just got it fixed last week.  It looks nice.  The best part is that we're no longer the trashiest looking people on the block.  That honor goes to the family that rides their ATVs up and down the street all hours of the day and night or maybe to the guy who leaves his ice fishing house parked in his front yard all year long.

Elle is five now and for the most part as stopped all manner of cute baby talk.  There are still a few things she says that are face-meltingly adorable.  She thinks the things that are written out to tell you how to do something are called "constructions".  She thinks the stuff used to make maple syrup is called "maple zap".  She can play chess (and she's really good at it) and she knows that some pieces can only move "di-nag-nally".

I hate the show Extreme Couponing.  No one needs 97 bags of croutons, even if they are free.  If you watch what people buy on the show you'll see that it's almost nothing but junk.  They like to brag how they can fee their family for pennies but no one mentions how they haven't had a fresh fruit or vegetable for years.  And I know that people in fat houses shouldn't throw stones but you can tell that most of the people on the show are not exactly eating healthy diets.  Just because you CAN get a case of Ramen noodles for free doesn't mean you SHOULD.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about taking a Disney cruise.  They sound pretty great but I wonder if it's really possible that a boat based vacation can be as fun as a land based vacation.  And what about sea sickness?  Does that happen on a cruise?  There is a Disney cruise to Alaska and when you're there you can try dog sledding.  Dog sledding!  It's my secret wish to be a dog sledder.  I think that's what they're called.  Or maybe a musher.  Whatever, you can do that so maybe I should take a cruise and give it a try.

If you enjoy Sims games you should try The Sime Medevil.  It's lot of fun.  I played it for hours and hours when I was in California.  I wasn't paid to say this, I just like the game a lot.

If you enjoy things written by people who are amazing you should buy this. 

Now I'm going to go scratch my arms for half an hour.  I'll catch you on the flip side.

Three years ago today I talked to Joseph about Aspergers.
Four yeas ago today I was in a bad mood.

I am the master of the double entendre

This short, silly post should not be read by parents, grandparents, brothers, small children or other living things.

Dear Mike Rowe of Dirty Jobs,
Come on over to my house. I've got a dirty job you can tackle.

No, that's no good.

Hey Mike Rowe! Why don't you come here and clean my drain pipe?

Ew.

Mike, you can sort and ship my maggots any time.

That's terrible.

Mr Rowe, you can feel free to root around in my .....

Let's not even go there.

Oh, I've got it!

Mike Rowe, please come over to my house so that my husband can thank you for the weekend long marathon of Dirty Jobs that resulted in him being a happy, happy man.

Two years ago today I had an embryo transfer.
Four years ago today I was pregnant and craving odd things.

Alternate titles for Survivor

1. You're Old and Jeff Probst Hates You
2. The Jeff Probst Variety Hour
3. Jeff Probst Kind of Wishes You Would Walk in Front of a Bus
4. Hot Young Dudes That Jeff Probst Loves and Then Some Other People
5. The Penis Hour
6. Just How Big is the Stick That Jeff Probst Has Up His Butt?
7. America's Funniest Head Injuries
8. Sugar, Not as Annoying as You Might Have Thought at First But Still Just as Stupid
9. The Jeff Probst Enforced Leader Picking Show
10. Jeff Probst Turns Into a Cranky Old Man Right Before Your Very Eyes

I'm not strong so I leak when I eat marinara sauce

If you want to see me reach Hulk-like levels of rage then force me to watch this commercial for Dixie paper plates.

Aurgh! JEN SMASH!!! Let's take it line by line shall we?

Nitwit #1 - *breathy laugh* "I will no longer be defined by the number of dishes I wash." *breathy laugh*
My response: Why were you defining yourself by that in the first place? Is there anyone, ever, in the entire history of the world who defined themselves by how many dishes they washed? No. Do you know why? Because it's stupid and no one actually thinks that that way. And as long as your kitchen isn't a total shithole (um) no one else cares how many dishes you wash either.

Nitwit #2 - "I'm trading in my apron for something a little more glamorous!" *ditzy giggle*
My response - Oh come on! Before you started using paper plates you didn't have five minutes to sit down and let your daughter paint your nails because you were just that busy wearing your apron and washing dishes? Yeah. I buy that. Because I have no brain and I'm just a stupid woman and all I know is that I like pretty things like nail polish.

Nitwit #3 - "I deserve a paper plate that's as strong as I am. It has to stand up to my grandmother's marinara without soaking through."
My response: I don't even get what you're trying to say here. Does the paper plate have to be as physically strong as you are? Because I don't think that's going to happen. There's a reason you don't see the paper plates carrying in the groceries. Or do you mean as emotionally strong as you are? And how strong does one have to be in order to stand up to marinara sauce? This is the worst part of the whole commercial because it makes no fricken sense! It would be better if she said "I deserve a paper plate that's as strong as I am. If I can handle my grandmother's marinara without leaking, my paper plate should too." It wouldn't make any sense but at least it would make me laugh.

Nitwit #4 - "My children come first, it's as simple as that."
My response: My children come first too. That's why I would like to leave them a planet not clogged up with crap that I used once and then threw away when I had a perfectly good and reusable alternative at my finger tips.

Nitwit #3 again: "And I'm proud to use Dixie Ultra paper plates if it means fewer dishes and spending time with my family."
My response: The whole commercial (and this part in particular) ignore one very important fact. Plates are about the easiest, quickest type of dish to wash. Cups, silver wear, pots and pans? All harder to wash than plates. If you're hand washing then plates usually don't need more than a swipe or two with a soapy dishrag. If you have a dishwasher plates can be tossed in any old way. There's nothing hard about plates. Therefor there is no reason to be "proud" for finding a replacement for them. There is no way, by any stretch of the imagination that using disposable plates make you a better mother. Period.

And do I even need to point out that there are only women in this commercial? Because only women do dishes I guess. Only women would be proud of finding a way to spend 8.6 seconds more with their family a day.

So. Yeah. I really, really hate that commercial. What commercials do you hate?

The best thing on I've ever seen on a kid's show

If you can get through this without tapping your feet or bopping your head around then you are made of stone.

The kid's dance moves kill me. It's stuff like this that makes Jack's Big Music Show a big hit in our house.

Survivor tidbits

1. The funniest thing I have seen on Survivor in a while was Ozzy hiding the immunity idol under his straw hat as he talked to Kathy. The hat was way up high on his head and it appeared to have a flowered scarf on it and it was way funnier looking than I can describe here. Trust me.

2. Tracy is one smart cookie. She knew exactly what to say to get send Joel into a panic and vote out Mike. I'm bummed that they're mixing up the tribes next week (as per the previews) because I would have like to see how she would have done next week with her original tribe. This tribe mix-up is going to screw with an interesting dynamic. Poo.

3. I wonder if anyone will be fooled by Ozzy's "immunity idol". What would you think if you found that stick? I think I would think that someone already found the real idol. If I was Ozzy I would have gotten rid of the cloth the idol was wrapped in and moved that rock to another spot. That's just me though. I don't want to second guess Ozzy though because I do like him when he's not trying to devour Amanda's face.

4. When in the hell did I start to like Eliza? What is happening to me? The world made sense a couple of weeks ago!

Flight of the Conchords

"She's hot. Really hot. I want to tell her she's hot but I'm afraid she'll think I'm being sexist. She's so hot she's making me sexist. Bitch!"



Thank you Flight of the Conchords, for making us laugh about love. Again.

Deadliest Catch

I've been watching Deadlist Catch lately. Two things come to my mind when I watch it.
1) Crabs should cost $1,000 each.
2) Jesse should take up crab fishing. I find the danger of it all rather sexy.

Normal is the new fat

I used to be an MTV addict. If there was an episode of The Real World on I watched. It didn't matter what season it was from or how many times I had already seen it. I watched it anyway, I was powerless to resist. Then I got a little older and I found myself getting more and more annoyed with the show. By the time the Las Vegas season came I had pretty much tuned out.

But then the evil marketing geniuses at MTV came up with something that drew me back in. The Real World/Road Rules challenges. Something about the challenges just drew me in. I knew it was total trash but I didn't care. I could watch and episode and hate every single person on it but I would still be entertained.

But here's my question. Has the show always been as anti-women as it is now? Or have I just recently noticed this? I would like to think that it wasn't always like this and that it's just gotten bad over time. I would hate to think that at one time I didn't notice that the entire show was pretty much a platform for the "men" on the show to wave their dicks around and make misogynistic comments.

Even the women on the show seem to be taking part in it. They whine about how they need as many men as possible on their team and how the other girls are just dead weight. I have never once seen one of them say anything like "Hey! Girls can do stuff too! We don't have to rely on the boys to carry us through this!"

The most disturbing thing that I've noticed lately on the show though is how damned skinny all the women are. Take Paula:

Now Paula is anorexic but she doesn't really look all that different than most of the other women on her team. Many of them look like they might topple over if a butterfly landed on them particularly hard. What happens when someone on the show is slightly larger? Take Janelle:

Pretty girl right? Yeah. On nearly episode she gets called things like "a whole lotta girl". And god forbid that the woman be an even larger size. Take Anessa:

I can't stand Anessa on the show but I've gotten tired of the constant comments about her weight. On the last episode there was a swimming challenge and one of the other people on the show commented that she was "swimming like there was a cupcake on the other side". Nice. And this kind of stuff is said all the time. Certainly MTV can't control what the people on it's shows say. But they can decide how many of these hurtful and damaging comments that they're going to put in every episode of their shows.

Why all the fat jokes MTV? Is your female audience not insecure enough already? Do you have to comtinue to drill it into their heads that they should not have any curves at all unless they're the surgicaly implanted, saline kind? Screw you MTV. This is one cupcake loving girl that won't be watching you anymore.

Edited - All of the sudden I'm getting a ton of hits for this entry and I can't figure out why. Where are you all coming from?

Healthy enough for what now?

Joseph is at an age where he believes everything he hears on tv. If he sees a commercial he believes whatever it says. He wants every toy he sees on tv because he's certain it's the best toy ever. He wants to eat at every restaurant because he knows they have the tastiest food in town. He wants to buy every cleaning product they make because he knows it will make my life easier.

The other day we were watching some show or other and a commercial for Levitra came on. The commercial says "make sure you are healthy enough for sexual activity before taking Levitra". Joseph turns to Jesse and says "Daddy, you should take that. You're healthy enough for free activity. That's a good thing for you to take if you want to have some activity. What? Why are you laughing at me?"

Has anyone in this family ever even seen a chicken?

Joseph has never watched Arrested Development but he can do an impression of Gob acting like a chicken that just kills me. One day he was in another room talking to Jesse and I heard him (Joseph) say "What are you? A chicken? Cah-cah-chaw! Cah-cah-chaw!" He's now refined his impression and it includes arm waving, hand clapping and leg kicking.

Here's the kicker though. Elle has seen him do it so many times that now she does it too. She hears him do it and then, in her chirpy little voice she joins in with "cah-cah-caaaahhhhh!" We're also teaching her to say "Annyong". She's pretty close. The kid only just yesterday learned to say "nigh-nigh" but she can already to two running gags from AD.

In other kid news, the little boy who called Joseph a baby now knows how it feels to be called a name. Last week at school he bumped Joseph as he was taking off his jacket and Joseph called him the meanest name he could think of. Fortunatly the meanest thing he could think of was "ballerina". The teacher pulled them both aside and they all had a talk about how it feels to be called a name and how they can better handle problems. Joseph said they both learned a lesson and it seems to have taken care of the problem. If it comes back up again I'm going to have to teach him some better insults though.

If you have a few prayers or good thoughts just laying around feel free to send them IDAT's way. She just gave birth to her first child, a GIANT baby boy and they're both in need of a little healing power right now. She's one tough mother-trucker though so I know both she and baby Jackson are going to be ok but a few extra good wishes thrown her way couldn't hurt.

Our secret obsession

Joseph and I have a secret. It's something I've never shared before. He and I are suckers for the crap that you see commercials for on tv and then order over the phone. We almost never see one of those commercials without one of us saying "I'd like that!"

What does Joseph covet? Blendypens! http://www.renart.tv/index_files/blendy.htm He talks about them all the time. "And Mommy, did you know that the Blendypens come with a carrying case that is also a belt so that you can color wherever you go?"

What do I covet? The Kaboom NeverScrub Refillable Self-Cleaning Toilet Kit. http://yhst-54645302932347.stores.yahoo.net/neverscrub.html

I sometimes think I might cave in and order one or the other but I'm afraid that if I do I will lose all self control and order everything I see on tv. I'll become one of those people who watches infomercials not because they are funny but because I find them to be a great way to keep up with what'snew in the field of overpriced junk. I'll watch the Home Shopping Network and start ordering applique vests from Susanne Sommers. (I think I spelled about 10 words wrong in that last sentance.) I don't want to be one of those people so instead I'll quietly covet and hope someone else buys Joseph and I what we want.

The final day

Today is Joseph's last day of preschool. Eeek!

Yesterday I freaked him out by telling him that during the summer he would only be allowed to pick 2 shows a day to watch on tv and then that would be it. His little heart is broken.

Joseph's been watching old Double Dare reruns lately. What a crappy show that is. I didn't realize it when I was a kid but man, what a pile of suck. They ask about 8 questions in every round and the rest of the time is spent explaining how the Physical Challenges are supposed to work. Half they time they break or don't work like they're supposed to. Then, during the final challenge it's just one huge commercial as they explain what lame prizes you can win after getting through each obstacle. Anyway, Joseph really likes it for some reason now and has been asking us if we can go on the show.

Elle is starting to get up on her knees and elbows and rock back and forth. Won't be long now till she's crawling. Ack! Why do my kids keep growing!?!

Interesting note - Someone is stealing my computer games! I can't find my Pharaoh disk. If you have it please give it back to me. If you don't have it but feel sorry for me then please buy me a new one. Thank you.

Soooo fuuuullll

We ate at Mongo's Grill tonight. I am so full. It's a really fun restaurant. You go through like this buffet line type thing where you pick out all your veggies and meat and spices and sauces and everything. Then you take your bowl up to the grill type people (I think that's what they're called). They grill it up right in front of you on this huge round grill. It's actually kind of fun to watch. A bunch of people have their food grilled at once but somehow they keep track of it all. It was fun, I reccomend it.

Joseph liked it too. He had milk and crackers.

I have to go now. Cheap Seats is on. I loves me some Sklar brothers.

Joseph's Special Day

Joseph is so excited about the wedding coming up this weekend. He's been talking about his "special day" for the past week. He's convinced everyone is going to be there to see him carry the rings. He's so funny. Out of nowhere he'll say something to me like "Mommy, did you know bearer is just a fancy word for person who carries the ring?"

He and Jesse went and got his outfit for the wedding last night and Joseph was so excited about it that he wanted to wear it home. He's so cute.

I'm having trouble typing because I had fake nails put on a couple days ago. I went to the local beauty school to have my nails done and to have a pedicure. The whole thing took 4 flipping hours. About 3 of that was my nails. To be honest she did a pretty crappy job too. They're really lumpy and bumpy. I was all excited because the woman who did them told me she was graduating on Friday so I thought she would be good but she ..... wasn't. So now I'm debating. Do I go back again and have them redone? Do I go somewhere else and have redone? Do I go back and have them taken off? Do I wait a couple of weeks and have them redone when I have them filled? Do I get annoyed and weepy when I think about the fact that one of my few attmepts in the last several years to do something girly ended up with me having lumpy, bumpy nails?

On the bright side Amanda came with me to watch Elle while I was worked on and we had a really nice time chatting and gossiping. Afterwards we went shopping. It was funny to spend my day getting pampered (sort of) and then shopping (all I bought were diapers). I felt like such a girly girl. The day was fun overall so I shouldn't complain.

What I will complain about is the sucky way that two reality shows I watch went last night. I can't believe the fricken hippies won the Amazing race. They annoyed me to the end and sometime I actually found myself rooting for Eric and Jeremy over them. Eric and Jeremy! What does that tell you?

Then, the Top Chef incident. Don't even get me started on that. To get rid of Dave over Tiffany was crap. The only did that so in the final episode good (Harold) can triumph over evil (Tiffany). I predict that at one point Harold will whine about how this is not how he's used to cooking and then later he will say "I'm a chef man, that's what I do". I predict Tiffany will never lose her perpetual bitch face. Tune in to find out if I'm right!

A good week

Pretty much everything was was going so rough with Joseph last week is going really smoothly this week. He's been sleeping in his ded every night, most nights not even coming into our room even once. He's listening the first time we tell him to do something (most of the time, he is 5 after all). He's been trying really hard in therapy. We didn't get a single bad report from school. My hope is that we're done with whatever little rough spot that was last week.

Elle's second tooth is thisclose to coming in. She's been a little bit crabby because of it but she's so good natured to start out with that it's nothing too bad. She's discovered screaming now. She does it all the time. She'll just lay there making these high pitched little shrieks for no reason at all. If Joseph's near here she screams until he comes over and pays attention to her then screams again if he leaves. She loves her big brother.

I have to get on the ball and start getting the Relay for Life stuff in order. Ugh. I am no good at organization. Oh well, it's all for a good cause so I suppose I can get my rear in gear for once.

Are you all watching Top Chef on Bravo? Do you all hate Steven (Stephen?) as much as I do? The guy is a complete tool. He's so pleased with himself all the time. It's a little unreal to watch because you almost think that he has to be joking. No one can be that self-satisfied and smug. Well, Steven/Stephen can! He can do anything! Just ask him.

Random stuff

There's a new book out saying that Barry Bonds used steroids. It's all over the news. Uh..... Was there anyone around who didn't think he used them? (I guess this is big news to Naivey McEasyfooled from Headinthesand, Nebraska.) The question that I am hearing a lot is: Does this taint the home run record? And the answer is: Yes, it does. Babe Ruth set his record while ingesting massive amounts of tobacco, booze and processed meat products. It's not fair to compare his record to someone who's ingesting massive amounts of steroids and, I have to assume, ego inflator pills and self-entitlment supplements.

The other night after Kirby Puckett died the local news did a story about how at the Metrodome a bunch of people had come out to set up a memorial to him. Nice story right? One little problem. This "huge memorial" consisted of two carboard signs and a candle. They kept showing it from different angles to make it look like it was more but it was just pathetic. Why not wait untill there's a little more stuff there before you do that story? Oh yeah, cause you're a crappy local news show and you just have to get that big story first. It was done by the channel 11 reporter that I just hate too. I call him the Bart's People Guy. ("The old Number 9 doesn't come by here much anymore......")

For your enjoyment:

Appliance Direct!

I'm trying to finish my entry about our trip but I can't because I got ADHD from watching too many Appliance Direct commercials when we were in Florida.

"Only Appliance Direct has top quality stoves. Curved sides? Yes! Soft handles? Yes! Appliance Direct! I love appliances! Remember, no shopping on Sundays! I love appliances! Your dishwasher is a piece of junk! Only Appliance Direct has high pressure dish washers. I love appliances!"

Who?

Who the hell is Freshy Freshington? Why does everyone seem to know but me?

You know what commercial I hate? The Charmin ones with the bears in the woods. They are not cute, they are gross. The one I hate the most is for the Charmin wet wipes. The announcer says "Tried everything to get clean? Try new Charmin Wipes!"

"Everything"? If you're trying "everything" to get clean after you use the bathroom and it's still not working then there is something wrong. You need to see a doctor.

It's a swing thing

Thank goodness for the baby swing. Elle's snoozing in it right now and it's the first real nap she's taken all day. If I turn the swing off or make too mucn noise or walk by her or breath wrong she wakes up and screams at me. This is not one of her better days. She was in a good mood this morning (see my last post) but all afternoon and evening she's been crabby. Poor kid. It's hard work being a baby.

On another, totally unrelated to anything note, aren't the Weavers on The Amazing Race horrid people? How can you throw trash at someone who moments earlier tried to comfort you and then cry over how hard it is to be you because you're the only people in the race who are really good people? They all suck. Then they have the nerve to mock someone for being a garbage man. Uh, your dad worked at a race car track. Not exactly high society stuff there. Boy, they really rub me the wrong way.