Song lyrics that are kind of creepy when you read them

I Drove All Night
by Celine Dion

I drove all night to get to you
Is that all right?
I drove all night
Crept in your room
Woke you from your sleep
To make love to you
Is that all right?
I DROVE ALL NIGHT!!!

A real conversation with Jesse

Jesse: You have Doll Parts on you ipod?
me:  Yes I do.
Jesse:  I didn't know you like Hole.
me:  I don't, I just like that one song.
Jesse: Oh, why's that?
me:  I like when she says "I want to be the girl with the most cake".
Jesse:  Huh?
me:  I wish I was the girl with the most cake!
Jesse:  I don't think that's what-
me:  I should get that printed on a t-shirt!
Jesse:  It's supposed to be-
me:  I wish I had some cake right now!
Jesse:  I think she means...
me:  *wanders off to see if we have all the ingredients for cake in the house*

Edited to clarify:  That is what the song really says but Jesse was trying to explain to me that it's a metaphor and not about real cake which I get but think is stupid because why would you want metaphorical cake when you could have real cake?

Three years ago today I took a pregnancy test.
Four years ago today Joseph was attracted to dogs.
Five years ago today it was a rough day.

It almost makes sense if you think about it really hard

You know that part in the song Man in the Mirror where Michael Jackson sings "And no message could have been any clearer"?

Until really recently (three days ago) I thought he was saying "And no mustache could have been any clipper".

When that song came out and it was really popular I would sing along with it every time I heard it. How many people have seen me throw my head back and sing with all the emotion in the world that "no mustache could have been any clipper"?

Two years ago today I talked about some of my best google hits ever.
Four years ago today I had a headache and Joseph had a cleaning fetish.

How can you tell?

How can you tell that I think The Wire is one of the best shows ever? I call my kids hoppers and when my mom complained about paying so much for a cell phone she almost never uses I told her to get a burner.

How can you tell that I live in a small town? Last 4th of July they played music over loudspeakers along with the fireworks. One of the songs they played was Born in the USA and when Bruce sings "to kill the yellow man" they shot off yellow fire works.

How can you tell Elle had an ice cream sandwich today? She has about 3 pounds of chocolate cookie caked in her hair.

How can you tell that I am lazy and hormonal? For a while I sort of considered cleaning Elle off by sucking the chocolate out of her hair.

How can you tell I need to watch what kind of music I listen to in front of the kids? If you asked Joseph what his favorite song is he would probably tell you it's Baller. Elle would continue a proud family tradition and say Little Red Cornback.

How can you tell my house is a wreck? Check my browser history and see that I spent half the day browsing the internet looking for recipes for homemade wine. Check my text message history and see that I spent the other half sending people messages like "Did you know you can make wine out of lettuce?!?! I am going to try that!"

How can you tell that I am a super-star parent? Because at the garden store today I was watching this kid knock down a bunch of stuff while his parents just stood there and didn't do anything about it. When I turned around I realized Elle was throwing handfuls of seed packets on the floor.

How can you tell that I am putting off everything I need to get done today? I wrote this entry.

How can you tell that you are putting off everything you need to get done today? You're reading it.

Two years ago today I was sad about Asperers.
Three years ago today I wished people loved my thighs.
Four years ago today I managed to make a really cute story about Joseph seem boring.

Peter, Paul and Mary are on my list now

Despite having made what may be the best Christmas album ever Peter, Paul and Mary have got me really irked. What could these kind and gentle folk singers have done to make me so angry? Four words: Puff the Magic Dragon.

I hardly even have the words to write about how this song makes me feel. And no, it's not because the song is about pot because they say it's not and despite the fact that I'm so irritated, Peter, Paul and Mary were a fixture in the soundtrack of my childhood and I'm not ready to abandon all hope and faith in them just yet.

I'm mad because the song "Puff the Magic Dragon" is just so freaking sad. I remember really liking it as a kid. I would happily sing along with it whenever it was played* and because I was so young I never even questioned what the song was all about. Then one day I listened to what the song saying, really listened.

It's a horrible song!

In the whole world poor Puff has one friend, a boy named Jackie Paper. Jackie loves Puff and Puff loves Jackie. Puff even plays whatever games Jackie wants to. That's a pretty big sacrifice considering that Jackie likes to play with string and sealing wax.**

Does Jackie Paper appreciate Puff's friendship? No, he does not. He goes and grows up and stops visiting Puff altogether. Puff, now friendless, stop playing along along the cherry lane. He stops roaring. HIS SCALES FALL OFF!

The day I realized how sad this song really is I cried. I can remember it clearly. It was a hot summer day and I was in the backseat of my parent's car stuck to the vinyl seat. I sobbed. I cried for poor Puff and his lonely life and his falling out scales. I made my parents fast forward the tape. Even after the song was skipped I kept right on crying. Peter, Paul and Mary broke my heart with that song.

Now I'm 31 years old and I still can't listen to Puff the Magic Dragon. I'm sure I'll never be able to listen to it. Every so often though the song creeps back into my subconscious. I'll find myself mindlessly humming it and every single time it depresses me. And it makes me angry. That damned Jackie Paper, just who does he think he is? He turns his back on the one person(?) who was willing to indulge his love of sting and wax and then that person(?) dies**** of sadness.

It burns me. It just burns me.

*Eight times a day for the first 14 years of my life.

**As a kid I thought this was ceiling wax. I didn't know what exactly it was but I figured it was something people used in the olden days.***

***I thought this song was really old. Like it was written back during a time when people used to wax their ceilings.

****I assume anyway. I don't think dragons can live through massive scale lose.

PS. Since I really do love Peter, Paul and Mary allow me to share the following video with you. Folk at it's finest and I can't get through it without getting weepy. In a good way.

Not buying it

That show on VH1, The Pick-Up Artist. People actually watch that show? Like, on purpose? And this Mystery guy. Women actually sleep with him? On purpose?

I'm sorry, I fail to see how either of those things can be true.

I have a strong desire to meet this Mystery guy. I would like for him to try to pick me up just so that I could laugh at him. Then I would like for him to walk away from me a sad and broken man because all his tricks failed to woo a chubby midwestern housewife. And then I would like for him to realize that he's not nearly as awesome as he thinks he is so he goes home and backs out of his stupid show and the show has to be cancelled and everyone who looks up to him realizes what a loser he is and no one ever hears from him again ever. That's what I want. Is that so much to ask?

To cleanse myself of thoughts of that horrid, horrid little man and his horrid, horrid little show, here is a video of my friend Jen singing at a coffee shop. Jen is amazing. In addition to brewing beer and birthing babies (she was my doula) she writes and sings her own music. She's probably pretty handy with a skill saw too.

Nashville, here he comes!

You can see his missing tooth on the bottom. How danged cute is that?

The best thing on I've ever seen on a kid's show

If you can get through this without tapping your feet or bopping your head around then you are made of stone.

The kid's dance moves kill me. It's stuff like this that makes Jack's Big Music Show a big hit in our house.

My first tag!

I've never been tagged before! I mean, before today. But now I've been tagged by Shannon with this:
"List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what they are. They must be songs you are presently enjoying. Then tag seven other people to see what they’re listening to."

1. My Girl - Nirvana Unplugged - I just think this is a really cool song. The Leadbelly version is really good too but this is the one I like a little better.
2. Jackson - Johnny Cash & June Carter - I love this song. Joseph likes it too so we sing it together in the car.
3. Down to the River to Pray - Oh Bother Where Art Thou Soundtrack - I ignore the religious aspects of this song because it's just so pretty. It's a specail treat when I can get Joseph to sing this one with me because he really has the sweetest little voice ever.
4. Crush - Mandy Moore - Shut up, I just like it ok?
5. I Will Survive - Gloria Gayner - Another one that we listen to a lot because Joseph likes it.
6. Ring of Fire - Johnny Cash - Who doesn't love this song?
7. Problem Girl - Rob Thomas - I've talked about this before. It's my theme song!

So I tag Ben (who won't do this) Chel Coo shyestviolet Stacey (who I know for sure will do this) Kel Bell and Jacob (who would shock me right to death if he did this).

Nursery Days

A while ago I was thinking how sad it is that my kids are growing up without listening to the folk music that I listened to and loved as a kid. I was raised on folk music. It helped to shape who I am today. When I was young I liked the songs just because I thought they were fun to sing along to. As I got older I started to think about what the songs actually meant and what that meant to me. It's not a stretch to say that the music I listened to as a kid helped to turn me into an adult who often looks at what's going on the world and says "What in the hell is all this about and can't something be done about this?".

So you can see why I would want to pass the gift of folk music on to my kids. I knew that an abrupt switch from what the kids usually listen to would not go over well. So I looked for something that would be a good way to ease them into how great folk music really is. And I found Woody Guthrie's Nursery Days.

Ok, I love Woodiy Guthrie. I loved him as a kid and I love him still. This cd is ...... not good. It sounds like someon's drunken uncle sittinng on the front porch and yelling out whatever comes into his head. How can I get my children to love folk music with this rambling/yodeling playing on the cd player?

The worst part is that the cd back cover says the cd comes with "Woody Guthrie's wonderful instructions about how these songs should be used by parents and children alike". The instructions read like someone's drunken uncle sitting on the porch and writing a letter to the editor of his local paper. Some parts are ok but some parts you almost can't understand. Like this: "Please, please, please, don't read nor song my songs like no lesson book, like no text for today. But, let them be a little key to sort of unlock and let down all of your old bars. I'm not trying to bait not trick the little fellers into tearing through all of their fun to my songs. I know the kids will blow their tops."

Huh, you don't say. So here's the question? Is it me? Have I been ruined forever by the slick, over-produced music of the Backyardagains and the Disney Channel? Have I lost some of the childish wonder and love for pure music that I used to have? Or is it possible that this really is a bad cd? All I know for sure is that this attempt to introduce the kids to the joy of folk was not succesful. My hope is that my next attempt goes better than the last one did.

I never knew that

You know that song "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"? Well, until this morning I thought it was about a little kid seeing his mom actually kissing the real Santa Claus. Then, this morning, I hear on the radio that it's really about a kid seeing his mom kissing his dad who's only dressed as Santa. Well what do you know? All these years I thought it was an odd little song about a boy watching his mom be unfaithful to his dad and it turns out that it's actually a peppy little tune about a kid watching his parent's do a little role playing.

At last

I haven't had much to say in the past few days because I've been in too much pain most of the time lately to even think about posting. I had this incredible pain under my left, lower ribs that mad eit hard for me to concentrate on much of anything.

I had my regular check up yesterday and my doctor says it's most likely a certain kind of stomach irritation that pregnant women get (it has a name and everything but I can't remember it). It's similar to an ulcer but it will go away once I've had the baby. Until then she put me on perscription heartbur medication and that already seems to be helping.

In other news I had a 3 hour blood sugar test done and the results of that came back normal. I have gained a few more pounds but I'm still in negative numbers. (Not for long though probably.) My uterus was measuring a little under average for how far along I am at my last appointment but this time it's all caught up. That's funny to me because in the last week or so I've felt like I've really started to show a lot more. When the doctor was trying to listen to the baby's heartbeat she was having a hard time because she (the baby) was moving all over the place and kicking.

So, everything looks good with the baby and I'm feeling a lot better so I really have no complaints. What I do have is a theory. And here it is: It is impossible to hear the song "I Will Survive" when you're in your car and not get down at least just a little bit. Even if you're driving through a road construction area.

*insert clever title here

Yesterday I gave Joseph a bunch of my old Beanie Babies. I made the mistake of telling him that I had more and would give them to him someday as a suprise. He has spent most to today wandering around the house, looking in drawers and crying because he can't find the rest of them. His theory seems to be that I gave them to someone else. Cripes.

According to my countdown ticker I will be pregnant for approximatly ........ the rest of my life. I have pain from my temples down to my lower back and I am in a terrible mood. Only listening to my illegaly downloaded tunes makes me feel better. Thank goodness for Hey Ya and Cry Me A River and Little Red Corvette and Shiny Happy People.

Hey Ya! Zzzzzzzzzz....

I'm feeling pretty good stomach-wise. Right now my big problem is that I am really, really tired. I keep falling asleep while playing with Joseph and stuff. I was trying to read a book last night but I kept reading the same paragraph over and over without actually understanding what I was reading. The only thing keeping me awake while I type this is that I'm bopping around to Hey Ya playing for about the 100th time in a row on my computer.

Oh no! It's ending and Mr Tamborine Man is coming on! Must ...... fight ...... zzzzzzz.....