Tuesday, November 25, 2008

When she be bigger

Lately Elle has wanted to talk a lot about what she will do when she's bigger. It's interesting to me because she's just barely three and she seems so young to have a concept of the fact that someday she will be bigger and able to do more things. It's also interesting to me because she has some really fun stuff planned. All day long I hear:

"When I be bigger I go to school and have lunch with Baba."

"When I be bigger I play video games."

"When I be bigger I use make-up but little girls no need make-up now."

"When I be bigger I be a music show and sing in a microphone."

"When I be bigger I be a mommy just like you."

"When I be bigger I go on roller coasters."

"When I be bigger I be a dolphin and swim in the ocean."

Man, she's gonna be cool when she be bigger.

Monday, November 24, 2008


I have given up caffeine. I'm only on day two and I've already got a wicked headache. I'm trying to get Jesse to give it up too but I don't think he'll make it. I say that because on day 1 he bought a pop* and tried to claim that someone gave it to him for free.

Why am I giving up caffeine? I don't know. I guess I just don't like the idea of being addicted to something. I've been thinking about giving up caffeine (and it's delivery method, sweet, sweet Wild Cherry Diet Pepsi) for a while now but I've been afraid of the headaches. I've tried this a few times before and the headaches always leave me helpless and whimpering and stumbling blindly into a gas station crying "A pop! A pop! My kingdom for a pop!". It's not pretty.

So I need your help. Do something to make me feel better. Scroll down and look on the right hand side. See where it says "the coolest folks on the internets"? Become one of them. Follow this blog. Artificially pump up my numbers so that I feel better about myself. Also, if you're out there reading this blog I would like to know that so that I can stop on by and say hi to you. And harass you for a pop.

*I think I became a real Minnesotan the day I gave up calling it "soda" and started using the more quaint and folksy "pop". I cried a little that day.

Friday, November 21, 2008

My mommyblog brings all the boys to the yard

You guys. There are some freaks in this world. And some stupid people. And a lot of stupid freaks. I know this because I have a blog and I have a stat meter that tells me what search terms people use to get to my blog. And I know I'm not the only one. Anyone who has a blog for more than three days has gotten a hit from someone googling "how to touch a breast" or "is it bad if my toddler eats dog poop". Here are a couple of my latest and greatest hits.

girls major pooping problems

dream i had a pennis i am a girl

can i ask what are lady lumps (Yes. Yes you may.)

post your vagina photos

does it hurt girls when they squirt?

dancing bbobs

tips for eating a girls ass (Don't do it. It gives girls major pooping problems.)

horse with milk hot girl (Huh?)

girl who has a sex problem with a blog

internet quiz for assbugers

I have hot poope problem? (I..... don't know.)

Thursday, November 20, 2008

A special hat that makes you pee

My ob ordered up a series of tests for me in hopes that the results with show the RE that I'm able to be pregnant again. One of the tests involves me saving 24 hours worth of urine in a jug in my fridge. It's a sure fire appetite killer. Every time I get the munchies I have the same internal dialogue. "Hmm, I'm feeling a little peckish. I thin I'll mosey on over here to the fridge and get myself something to OH MY GOD there's a jug of pee in there!" Then I vow to never eat again. Lather, rinse, repeat every 15 minutes. I get peckish a lot.

Yesterday I went to the clinic to get my blood pressure done (it's fine and dandy thank you very much) and blood drawn and to pick up the stuff for the 24 hour urine test. A very nice lady in the lab gave me a bag of stuff for the test and said "Your jug and your hat are in there." Then she went on to explain about 45 more things I needed to know about the test. I didn't hear any of them though because I was to busy thinking "A hat? What did she just give me a hat for? Does she know I'm taking a urine test and not a ...... head test? Should I say something? But wait! What if it's a hat that makes you pee? Or what if it's a hat that I'm supposed to wear while I pee? Like a special hat that measures my brain activity or something. But why would they need that? Maybe it measures my fluid levels or something. Through my scalp. Yeah, maybe that's it."

"Got that all?" the lab lady asked?

"Oh, sure!" I responded cheerfully because I was not going to make myself look like an ass by asking "And if I get this electronic hat wet will I have to come back and get a new one or will it continue to read my brain waves?"

As soon as I got out to the lobby I opened up the bag to get a look at the hat. Turns out a hat is a little plastic bowl shaped thing that goes into the toilet so that you can pee into it. I guess it sort of looks like a hat. Not enough that they should call it that though because that confuses people and it makes then think they're getting electronic hats.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Did I say woot? Because I meant shoot.

Sometimes life is really annoying.

Remember when I was pregnant with A and J was a giant nervous wreck about everything? "The baby's heartbeat is normal? But could it be better? Would it be better if it was a little bit higher? What can we do to make it just a little bit higher?"

Her nervous wreckieness turned me into a nervous wreck. I dreaded the appointments that I knew he would be coming to because I was so afraid that some little thing would be wrong (or just not normal enough) and it would send him into a panic. I let it affect me too much.

J was at the last three appointments I had before A was born. At all three my blood pressure was high. Every other time when I would get my blood pressure taken it was fine. In fact, at one appointment when J was there the doctor re-checked my blood pressure halfway through the appointment and it was fine. The day before A was born my blood pressure was fine. Throughout labor it was fine. I never had any protein in my urine, never had any swelling (other than my rear end) never had any headaches. Other than those three high blood pressure readings I was fine.

Well guess what the RE who I was supposed to be going to has decided to focus on. Yeah. Those three numbers. Because of those three numbers he won't work with me. Since he won't work with me the agency won't work with me. Meaning? No surrogacy for me.


My one tiny ray of hope is my OB. I called him last night and explained the situation. He said he would be willing to write a letter saying that he feels it would be safe for me to get pregnant again. He said there's no reason at all I couldn't do this again and he's surprised the RE would even be concerned with those three numbers since they don't really tell the whole story. He's even having me come in for some lab work so that we can show that everything is functioning as it should.

I don't know if any of that is going to make any difference at all. The RE might dismiss everything my OB says and still say no to working with me. If that happens then I'm out of options. My chances of getting another agency to work with me after I've been turned down already are about 0%. Even if I could find one who's to say their RE would work with me? If this doesn't work then in all likelihood my surrogacy career is over.

All because of three fricken numbers.


Monday, November 17, 2008


I like the word "woot". It's fun to use. I only use it in writing though (and in my head to myself), I would never have the nerve to say it out loud. I also think I'm using it ironically. I say it to mock people who use it seriously. Because why bother to say something if you're not slamming someone in the process?

Even if it's not a slam or a jab or an ironic comment on pop culture "woot" is still fun to say. Go ahead, try it. I'll wait.

Did you do it? And did you also raise your hands up sort of like you're throwing a free throw but subtly? No? Then you need to do it again. Go ahead.

See? It's fun isn't it? I don't even take cleansing breaths any more when I'm stressed. I take cleansing woots.

Woot is a good word to use when you get good news. Say for example, the news that you passed your surrogacy agencies strict new insurance screening and now you're on your way towards getting pregnant again.

So, yeah. Woot.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

I am amazing

Do you ever have one of those days where you're walking up the stairs and you think "Wow! It's really amazing how my body just knows how to do this without me even having to think about it!" and then that causes you to think about how in the heck your body actually does walk up the stairs and then you get tripped up and fall? I've done that like six times in the last two days.

To top that off I've slowly realized that Jesse and I are on the outs with some people that we used to be fairly close with. Things started to get weird when I got pregnant with A and now we're not even speaking. If I had to guess I would say that it's probably because of the whole thing with me renting out my womb to make babies for gay people. That's just a guess though. I can't really confirm that though since they're not speaking to us since they are close minded and judgmental. At first I was hurt but then I realized they probably just saved me the trouble of giving them the brush off. Still, it stings a little bit to know that our relationship was less important to them than their homophobia.

To top all that, off this morning Elle said to me "Mama, you look pretty today. Just a little tiny bit pretty."

Stairs, creeps and children. All do wonders for the old self-esteem.

PS. When I just did spell check on this there was not a single misspelling found. Woot! That never happens to me!

PPS. I just misspelled "misspellings".

Monday, November 10, 2008

A few (stolen) thougths on Prop 8

How is it that people are ok with Prop 8? I mean, I know not everyone is ok with it but how is it sitting right with anyone? How can anyone be ok with the majority of California's voters voting to amend the constitution so that they are able to take away people's rights? How is it that we're not all outraged by this?

My own thoughts on this issue are too jumbled up for me to write them out clearly so check out what these other more eloquent people had to say about the issue:

Looky Daddy - Your days are none the better for what you have done

The Mighty, Might Monkseak - Things I got from the election

Wheels on the Bus - And happy Monday to you

Stimeyland - My sister got married!

Bitch Ph.D. - Love

If there's anything else out there you think should be listed let me know and I'll add it.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

We just always love Obama

A couple of weeks ago Joseph asked me if we could to and get an Obama sign for our yard. (Ok, he asked for a "Brock Abama" sign but that's close enough.) I took him to the DFL office and he went in and (without any prompting from me) asked "Can I please have a Brock Abama sign an Al Franken sign and maybe some bumper stickers too if you have them?"

As the volunteer was getting the stuff together he looked at me and said "That's the cutest thing I've ever seen."

What can I say? My boy knows a good thing when he sees it. The sign is still in the yard. I just don't have the heart to take it down. I might save it and let Joseph keep it in his room.

On election day I was driving somewhere with Elle and she was singing away and the back seat. All of the sudden she stopped and said to me "Mama, I just always love Obama."

Oh Elle. Like a knife made of cute and smart you stab me in the heart and make me ooze love and pride and metaphorical gore all over the internet.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

This is the last time I'm going to say this :VOTE!

Please, please, please go out and vote today. One way or another history is going to be made today. Don't just sit back and let it happen, get out there and be a part of it. If you're still undecided please watch this video. (Warning - this video may cause Obama supporters to weep.)

Monday, November 03, 2008


Fine. I hope you're all happy now. I'm on facebook. And I don't have a single friend. Hooray for virtual rejection!

(Please be my friend.)

Sunday, November 02, 2008

Real conversation with the vagabond

vagabond: Are the the grandma?
me: No, I'm Joseph and Elle's mom.
vagabond: (after a long time staring at me thoughtfuly) You look like the grandma.
me: ......
vagabond: Can I come over for dinner?
me: No.

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Different points of view

If you asked Elle what the best thing about today was she would probably say "It was when my mom put a manila envelope on each hand and then ran around the living room flapping her arms and pretending to be a bird and then she landed."

If you asked me what the worst thing about today was I would probably way "It was when I put a manila envelope on each hand and then ran around the living room flapping my arms and pretending to be a bird and then I tripped over my own feet and crashed to the floor. Also I got a paper cut on the inside of my elbow from the manila envelope."