Showing posts with label picture. Show all posts
Showing posts with label picture. Show all posts

Wednesday, November 09, 2011

The visitors

I had some visitors this past weekend.  I watched thme run around the house and take toys off the shelf and scream at each othrt and laugh at each other and eat bowls of applesauce and then run around some more.  I stared at them and wondered "How were you both ever so small that you fit in my tummy?"

The surro-twins, they're not tiny babies any more.  They're little people with gigantic personalities.  I spent most of the weekend just watching them and enjoying being around them.  The time I spent with them was about the only time in the past two weeks I haven't had a pounding, burning lupron-induced headache.  Maybe because they were a nice reminder that everything I'm going through is for a reason and when it's all done and we're (please, oh please) successful there will be another little bit (or two) of magic in the world.

There's The Boy who laughs at everything and will let you hold him (even if you're pretty much a stranger to him) as long as he's eating chicken fingers.
There's The Girl who's a little more serious and hard to impress.  Once you make her smile though you feel like you've won something.
The Boy doesn't want to stop and look at what's in front of him, not when there's something even more interesting across the room.
The Girl is a little more deliberate.  Once she knows what she wants she's determined to go after it.
When you give them a present they might think it's hilarious to try to drop it in the toilet.
And when they nap they put their little heads together.

Yup, I did a good job.  Now their daddies are doing a good job.  I can't even explain to you how much it filled my heart up to see the babies and see how well they're doing.  The timing of their visit was perfect too.  I needed a reminder that at the end of all the shots and the ultrasounds and the headaches and the procedures and the pills....
Something wonderful happens.

One year ago today Jesse's credit card was stolen for a stupid reason.
Two years ago people were rude by proxy.
Four years ago today Elle wanted an itchy potty.
Five years ago today Joseph wanted Jesse to take ED medication.

Thursday, November 03, 2011

Lupron Blues

So I don't know if I've mentioned this or not (and I'm too lazy to go back and check) but I am preparing for another embryo transfer.  This will be my second attempt with this new couple and for various reasons I'm feeling a lot more optimistic than I was the last time around.  As it stands right now it looks like I should be transferring sometime right around, or even on, Thanksgiving Day.

In preparation for the IVF cycle I have been on a drug called Lupron.  I have to give myself an injection of it in my belly every day.  Luckily there is plenty of padding and the shots really don't even hurt that much.  Usually Elle picks out the spot where I should do the injection then the counts down for me to jab myself. It's a family affair.

Lupron is a hell of a drug.  Here's me normally - "Hello!  I enjoy things that are pleasant!  Chocolate is good!"  Here's me on Lupron - "I have had a headache since last Tuesday.  I swear to god that whatever it is you're doing right now you're only doing to piss me off.  If you don't stop breathing so loud I am going to rip your face off.  WHY DON'T WE HAVE ANY CHOCOLATE IN THIS HOUSE!??!?!?!"

The kids call Lupron my "crabby shots" and it's a pretty well deserved nickname.  I try really hard not to take it out on them and most of the time I'm pretty successful (poor Jesse gets the worst of it) but I guess sometimes I fail.  We were in Goodwill the other day looking for some finishing touches for Halloween costumes and Elle was just not listening at all.  When we were standing in line she kept whining and begging for me to please buy her some chocolate eyeballs that looked like they were about 47 years old, please buy the eyeballs, why won't you buy the eyeballs, I NEED the eyeballs, I never get any eyeballs, these are the best eyeballs ever, I will cry if I don't get these eyeballs.  Joseph started shoving himself between me and Elle and trying to whisper something to her.  She couldn't hear over the sound of her own whining so finally he yelled "Watch out Elle!  Don't make Mommy mad!  You know she's crabby when she's on her Lupron!"  We got some looks.

But in spite of having had a constant throbbing headache for the past week and having my asshole dial turned up to 11 things are pretty good. Halloween was fun.  The kids were adorable.  Please stand by for photographic proof in 3 .... 2.... 1....

In case you can't tell they went as Doctor Elle and Plants vs Zombie zombie Joseph.  And didn't they do a nice job when I said "Look at me you guys!"?

Oh yeah!  I also became famous on facebook for like three seconds when I posted a picture from the Anoka Halloween parade.  But that's a story for another day.  For now I have to go eat my weight in Nutella.

Wednesday, November 02, 2011

Little Elle on the Prairie

You may recall that several weeks ago Elle and I took a little road trip to see some historical Laura Ingalls related history.  It was a joy to spend those days with just Elle.  She was funny and sweet did the most adorable things.  She also broke something in pretty much every location we went to.  By the end of the trip I was calling her Hurricane Elle because it turns out that girlfriend has a serious case of the klutz.

So join me if you will on a pictorial journey down memory lane as I tell the story of that time Elle and I drove to South Dakota and then back again.

The trip began as so many in American history have - in a covered wagon. 

Actually, that's not true.  The trip really began in my car which we had packed to the gills with cheese sandwiches (remember how excited she was about the cheese sandwiches?  Maybe not, I might have mentioned it on facebook) hard boiled eggs, activity books, Barbies and changes of clothes for one very picky little dresser.

The first stop on the trip was the Laura Ingalls museum in Walnut Grove, MN.  Laura and her family lived here for a time but the town is mostly known for being the setting of the odd and inaccurate tv series based on the books.  In turn the museum is really more about the show than it is about the real Laura Ingalls.  Here Elle stands with the real fireplace used in the show.  I think that's what it was.  It's hard to get a close look at things when you're touring with a five year old who cares less about what she's seeing than she does about what else she can see.
There were lots of other exhibits that Elle really enjoyed as well.  It's a pretty neat little museum with lots of hands on stuff for kids so if you have a kid into pioneer stuff this would be a good place to go.  They had a little church with an organ you could play.  Elle really liked that.
 They also had some old fashioned toys you could play with.  This was another big hit with Elle.  I guess playing with dominoes makes her look like she's 12.  Odd.
I forced Elle to try on these pioneer clothes.  She looked so cute that this older lady who was in the museum started kind of ... following us around and wouldn't stop talking to us.  We finally had to go into another building in order to lose her.
 Then there was this odd military exhibit. I guess to highlight Laura's military career?  Elle did not enjoy trying on this helmet but I made her do it anyway.  Can you tell that the thing weighed about as much as she did?
 Next up was a jail cell.  Always good for a laugh.

The next exhibit was a pioneer dugout house.  Elle was fascinated with the bed made of rope and furs.  As someone who has an unnatural fear of bedbugs I was pretty much horrified when she insisted on trying it out.  Yuck.  The good news is that she seemed to come out relatively infestation free. 
Then it was time for a quick phone call.  Just because you're exploring the prairie doesn't mean you can't use modern technology.
 After that was a visit to the school house.
We walked though this big area of weed and overgrown grass to get to this fiberglass horse.  I don't know why Elle looks like she hasn't brushed her hair in a week.  Pioneers didn't have hair brushes either.  I think.
Elle's favorite part of this museum was the outhouse exhibit.  This sign made us laugh and laugh and laugh.  For the rest of the trip Elle kept asking if she could poop in whatever exhibit we happened to be in at the time.
We drove all the way to Walnut Grove to play with some old toys.  I told Elle my grandparents used to have that same toy barn when I was a kid. This led her to believe that I had been a pioneer.  Not pictured, this stuffed goat that you could squeeze and then it would yodel.  We only did that about a million times.  We only stopped because the old lady who had been following us before caught up to us and we had to move on again.
This little area where you could pretend to be a pioneer grocer was Elle's favorite part of the whole museum.  We spent a REALLY long time here buying butter and canned goods from each other.  I have to admit that Elle is the one that finally put an end to this game.  (What?  It was fun!)  Not pictured here is the large glass front of this counter.  Moments after I took this picture Elle ripped the entire thing off.  I don't know how she managed it but somehow with her puny bare hands she pulled the glass front and wooden frame off.  There was no one else in the building at the time but I looked around and there were security cameras.  Maybe somewhere there exists film of me frantically shoving the thing back together while Elle happily rings up another order of butter and eggs.
The last stop on this tour was the old post office.  Museum karma caught up with Elle and as we were leaving this area she tripped and when stumbling across the room and crashed into a wooden telephone booth.  I almost laughed because it looked so damned funny but then I heard a pathetic little moan from inside the booth.  Elle, being the drama girl that she is, started to cry as soon as I got over to her so I used the phone to call the pioneer doctor.  That made her laugh and then she wanted to call the pioneer doctor too.  When she hung up the phone the receiver snapped off.  In her defense the receiver had been duct tapped on so I don't really think she can take the blame here but cripes.  It was clearly time for us to leave.
Stay tuned for the next installment where we visit Plum Creek and Elle manages to break something else.  That's right, my baby broke something at a creek.

Three years ago today I had a conversation with the neighborhood brat.
Six years ago today I was OMG, boring.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Stressed

Yesterday I got an email that made me sad and stressed out.  I can't go into all the details but it involves surrogacy and egg donors and people who are not totally honest and how now the plans for me to try to get pregnant in October have been flushed down the toilet because we have to go back to the beginning to try to find a new egg donor.  Frustrated does not begin to describe how I feel right now.

Also there is something causing my "d" key to not work right so when I need to use it I have to push on it really har hard.

In order to cheer me up here is a picture of Elle from our recent road trip. It makes me laugh. (Recap is coming!  I'm working on it between canning massive batches of apple sauce and folding massive piles of laundry.)

One year ago today I won the teacher jack pot.
Four years ago today I shopped when I was pregnant and it was bad.
Six years ago today I talked about my cervix as I am wont to do.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Home again, home again

Elle and I are back from our trip.  I'll have a recap of it later (complete with pictures even though I didn't take nearly as many pictures as I should have although I guess there's something to be said for putting the camera down and living in the moment) but here's one picture that I posted on the facebook.  I think it sums our trip up nicely.

There's Elle smiling and looking happy as can be as she shows off her new corn on bacob* doll.  She's wearing a reproduction pioneer coat that an employee of the Laura Ingalls homestead site let her her wear because she was crying and the employee didn't know that Elle sort of cries a lot.  Also, shortly after this picture was taken Elle ripped a button off the jacket.  On accident but it just added to the streak of breaking something at every single spot we visited.

*This is what she calls corn on the cob and it's my favorite thing ever and I'm always talking to her about corn so that I can try to get her to say it.

Three years ago today I babysat.
Four years ago today my tiny baby girl got a haircut.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Newsie!

Wow, it's been a while since I posted.  That was not my intention.

This is a busy time for me.  I have a lot going on but none of it is interesting.  Perhaps the only thing I can think of to share is that later this month Elle and I will be taking a little road trip to visit some places of interest in Laura Ingalls Wilder history.  Elle tells me every day that he's so excited for the cheese sandwiches I promised to pack in the cooler when we go.  Joseph is excited to.  A few days ago he told me "I can't wait for your trip because then you'll be away from me for a few days!"  I guess he's ready for school to start soon too.

The only other news I have is that Joseph got a new hat.  When he wears it I sort of want to smoosh his face because he's so cute.

See?  Smooshable!

One year ago today we went to the splash pad.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Swing away

Thanks to a combination of luck and timing and generous grandparents Elle now has her own playset in the backyard.  This is pretty much the greatest thing that Elle has going on in her life right now.  She loves that playset.  It's got two swings, a glider, a slide, monkey bars and a play area covered by a canopy.
By far her favorite part of the playset is the swings.  The day after we got the playset put together she woke me up at six in the morning asking if she could go swinging.  She doesn't care how hot it is outside, she'll go out at all hours of the day and swing, swing, swing.  She comes in every so often for a new coating of sunscreen and to cool off but then she's right back out there again.

She likes to swing with her eyes shut.  Sometimes I'll be out working in the garden and I can hear the rhythmic "squeak, squeak, squeak" of the swingest and then her little voice joining in to sing to go with the rhythm.  Yesterday I heard her singing "Bad Romance".  I held my hand over my mouth to stifle my laugh.  She didn't notice me watching her.  Her eyes were screwed tightly shut.  Her hair was coming loose from her pony tail and blowing around her face.  Her long legs moved forward and backwards in time.  Suddenly she cried "I'm swinging higher than I ever dreamed possible!"

Swing away baby.  Swing away.

Three years ago today I had a blogging problem.
Four years ago today I reviewed Harry Potter. Sorta.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

A totally random story

When we went to California last year we spent a day at the San Diego zoo.  It must have been the annual "Weird Guys Get In Free" day because every five minutes Jesse and I were having to look at each other with eyes that seemed to say "Oh my god, did you see what that guy just did?!?"

There was a family reading the bible as they walked from exhibit to exhibit. ("Look children!  These are the wild boars.  These are one of five animals mentioned by name in the bible.  Oh look!  I opened my bible to exactly the right page!  What a blessing!*  Let's read shall we?)  There was a guy who kept trying to introduce the animals to his daughter. (Koala!  Koala!  Look over here koala!  This is Ella!  Say hi to Ella!  Koala! Look over here at Ella!  Look koala!  Ella!")  There was the guy who tried to imitate animal noises and when he got the the kangaroos he yelled "HOP HOP HOP HOP HOP HOP HOP HOP HOP" until a zoo keeper came out and told him to stop.

The weirdest though was a guy standing next to me looking at the lions.  There was a whole crowd gathered around because a lioness was right up against the glass and everyone was trying to look at her.  The guy next to me did this non-stop running monologue that went something like this: "WOW!  Look at that!  Would you just look at that beautiful bitch lion!  What a gorgeous bitch! I've never seen a bitch lion this close before!  How amazing!  The bitch lions never come this close to the glass!  It's so rare to see the bitch lions like this!  What a beautiful bitch she is!"

He said it enough that I started to question if maybe I was wrong in thinking a female lion was called a lioness so I pulled out my phone and googled "is a female lion called a bitch" and then the internet said "it's a lioness dumbass" and I felt stupid.  But not as stupid as the guy calling the lioness a "bitch lion".

Bitch, please. 

*I think it was less a blessing and more of the fact that the had a bookmark holding his place.

Wednesday, July 06, 2011

Not babies any more

Yesterday Elle lost her second tooth.  She was brushing her teeth and she felt something fall out of her mouth but she thought it was a drop of water.  When she came to me so I could check her teeth over I said "Oh Elle!  Where's your tooth?" and calm as could be she walked back to the bathroom, picked the tooth up off of the floor and said "I knew I dropped something."
No big deal, no drama.  Just "Oh yeah, this piece of proof of my babyhood just feel out onto the bathroom floor.  Whatever."  She's really not a baby any more.


Joseph turned 11 this past weekend.  He's firmly settled into the teen years now and he's got the attitude and the first tiny pimple to prove it.  He's trying so hard to be independent.  At least he thinks he is.  He told me the other day that he doesn't have to listen to me any more because he's independent and when you're independent you only do what you want to do and could I please make him some lunch?  I guess he's not yet old enough to have figured out the concept of irony.
So grown up!  My babies aren't babies any more!  They're like little adults.

On the other hand.... Yesterday I was upstairs and I heard a loud thump come from the downstairs family room.  Before I could ask what was wrong Elle yelled up "It's ok Mama!  I jumped off the furniture and I didn't get hurt ... much.  I just think I broke my leg bone just a little bit! I'll shake it off and take two or maybe three deep breaths."

Later the same day Joseph and I were discussing how we had run into a friend of his from school at the grocery store. He said "I like her.  She's nice and she always has interesting things to talk about.  She knows a lot of stuff and she can talk to people about anything.  It's nice to have a person like that in your group of friends because she makes everyone in the group feel more comfortable."  And as I'm thinking how impressive it is that my Aspie is making such great, astute observations he finishes off with "I don't like her new haircut through.  It makes her look like a pharmacist."

Maybe not all the way grown up yet.

Two years ago today I got pissy about cake.
Four years ago people asked stupid questions about adoption.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Facebook is like the rapture

I suppose I had better blog something.  If the rapture come I don't want the last post on this blog to be one with a bunch of terrible pictures of me.

The fact is, social media is killing this blog.  And by "social media" I mean "facebook".  I made a conscious decision a couple of years ago to unplug from Twitter and stop trying to "build" my "brand" but I'm sort of addicted to facebook.  And not just because of FarmVille!  I like the instant feedback and connection that if offers.

Everyone knows commenting is down.  I used to get 10-20 comments on a post.  Now I get two or three.  And I'm not complaining because I know that's just how it is.  I'm guilty of not commenting.  Like, ever.  Even with my very favorite bloggers I just read, smile and mark as read.

But on facebook I comment and "like" and share and interact.  If I have something I want to share with the world these days it just seems so much easier to do it there.  I have over 500 facebook friends.  If I feel like everyone who wants to know anything about me is probably friends with me on facebook so they can just read about my life there.  Except my mother in law.  She reads my blog but she's not on facebook.  And that's ok.  We need the distance.  Otherwise daughter-in-law Jen and social media Jen would collide and I just can't handle that.

So facebook is taking over.  I can deal with that.  But I love this blog and I'm not willing to let it die so easily.  I have to make more of an effort to update it.  (Assuming that tomorrow I don't find myself spending all eternity in the fiery pits of hell...) I started this blog mainly as a record of my children's lives (hence the stupid url name) and if they ever read it someday I want them to think "Wow, our mom sure was delighted with us!" and not "Wow, our mom sure was easily distracted!  And why did she talk about her boobs so much?"

So, my darling children, if you ever read this, here is what you've been up to lately:

On Wednesday when I picked Elle up from school she had a missing tooth.  It had been loose and she pulled it out all by herself while she was supposed to be doing a math worksheet.  I'm a little sad I didn't get to be with her when she lost her first tooth but only a little sad since seeing loose teeth makes me feel a little gaggy.  I'm also a little sad that my baby is old enough to be losing teeth.  How did that happen so fast?

Joseph's class is going to be seeing a sex ed video on Monday.  His teacher sent home a slip this week for us to sign, giving him permission to see the video.  This is what was written at the top of the note:
It's like he's trying to tell me something ... When I told him that I wanted him to watch the video he said "I'm honestly shocked Mommy.  I never thought you would want me to see something like that."  I reassured him that the video would be appropriate for fourth graders but he's still pretty sure it's going to be terrible.  We reached a compromise where he will be in the room when the video is on but he doesn't have to look at the screen if he doesn't want to.  Nothing is simple with this child.  He sure is cute though.

One year ago today Jesse didn't read.
Two years ago today I had underwear in my fruit basket.
Three years ago today Joseph raised his eyebrows.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Precious memories?

I've been going through my old pictures and pitching a bunch of them.  Anything where the subject is too blurry or far away to recognize gets tossed.  Anything where I look like a goober gets tossed.  (I look like a goober a LOT.)  Any pictures of animals I don't know, place I don't recognize or people I don't like goes as well.  I think back in the days of film if you took a picture you damned well kept it forever because film was expensive and just because you had no idea who or what that gray blob you took a picture of was no reason not to keep it and treasure it forever.

This is my old dog Sophie.  Yes, she really was this blurry.  And demon eyed.  If you look closely you can see my wall covered with New Kids On The Block pictures.  In my defense I have a really good excuse for this.  It's because I liked NKOTB long after everyone else on the planet realized that they sucked.  That's ok, MORE POSTERS FOR ME!!!
Here's my brother and I swimming at Typhoon Lagoon in Disney World.  We were able to obtain this image by purchasing a high tech water  proof disposable camera.  I think we can agree it was worth it.  Interesting side note - this is the last time I let anyone take a picture of me in a swimsuit.
Here's another one of my brother and me.  This was an interesting period for us fashion-wise. That is to say, even though he was a boy and I was a girl two and a half years older than him, we matched.  It's hard to tell here but we have the same haircut.  We're both wearing bright tank tops and brightly colored, geometric patterned shorts.  The only things setting us apart are my Sally Jesse glasses and the fact that I got use of the shared ribcage that day.
Here's a great picture that was really worth hanging onto.  It was taken at the US Air Force Academy and one of those tiny blurs in the back is a boy I was madly in love with at the time.  This was before I figured out what the "zoom" button on my camera was for.  Precious memories.
This must have been in third grade.  I'm wearing a teddy bear pin because my teacher liked teddy bears.  I think this was taken right after I walked through a wind tunnel and mussed my Little House hairdo.
This is a picture I took of Jesse right after we got married.  Jeez, he looks like he's 12.  And in the act of going to catch the bus.  Holy crap.
Now this isn't a terrible picture but there's a funny story behind it.  We were invited to a Halloween party and Jesse and I went as Jerry Springer guests and our friend came with us and went as a security guy from the show. (I made his shirt.)  We were the first people at the party.  The next person to show up was a woman dressed as an M&M and when she got there she took one look at us and whined "Why am I the only one dressed up?"  Meaning, of course, that she thought we really looked like that.  We couldn't stop laughing at her.
Look at my baby!  Oh, he was so tiny.  That's a newborn outfit he's wearing and swimming in.  I think he's about two months old here.

Aw, look at the little cutie pie! Who's the most adorable little pumpkin in the whole wide world? Who's the sweetest little ...
Augh!  Kill it!  Kill it with fire!!!  Ok, I think we can all agree that I didn't age well.  I mean, look at me.  I'm rocking a pants suit.  And we won't even talk about glasses that are so huge I'm amazed I was able to hold my head up.
This is a trading card my dad made for me back when I was on a kid's track and field team.  The stats on the back say I weigh 90 pounds.  I bet 20 of that was my mullet perm and glasses.
This is a phase in my life I call The Kick-Ass Earring Years.  I had a lot of really cool earrings.  And a poodle perm.  And I really liked the jumper I'm wearing in the picture.  Man, I was awesome.
Here's a picture of my family at Christmas.  There's my brother and my dad and my dogs and my mom.  And my mom's hair.  Sorry Mom.  If I end up dead we all know who did it right?

Since turnaround is fair play I want to share one final picture with you.  When I was 14 my mom took me to this woman who did makeovers and gave fashion advice.  She did my hair and makeup.  I seem to remember liking how it turned out.
Sigh.

Two years ago today I flashed people.
Four years ago today Joseph explained digestion.
Six years ago I had gas.

Tuesday, February 01, 2011

His girlfriend is named Lady Swimsalot

I'm feeling much better now, thanks for asking.

I had a good long talk with myself and said "Knock it off you ninny!" and now I'm feeling much a-ok.

Also I've lost eight pounds so that's good. I'm telling people I'm losing the baby weight.  I just don't tell them that it's the weight I gained two babies ago.  Seriously, within about three weeks of the twins being born I had lost all of that baby weight.  Little A must have created some super fat though because this stuff just does not want to leave me.  (Notice how I blame the baby for my weight and not the steady diet of cake and deep fried ham and cheese balls that I survived on.)

Also, I am tentatively exploring another surrogacy.  VERY tentatively.  I had a dream last night that I applied with an agency but they rejected my by sending me a cake that had "Sorry, you're too ugly" written on it.  I guess I might have some anxiety about the whole thing.  I sort of think I must be crazy to even consider going through the shots and the pain and the mood swings and the weight gain and the possible bedrest and the recovery all over again.  Then I open my email and I get a picture of Little A or The Boy and The Girl and my heart just about bursts with happiness and I think I would be crazy to NOT to it all again.

Also, the kids got their report cards last week.  Elle got 3's all across the board.  (That's the best you can get with this new fangled grading system they've got.)  Joseph also did extremely well.  He got mostly 3's and a few 4's.  (Older kids can get 4's.  Preschoolers have not yet earned the right to have 4's.)  Even in areas where he sometimes struggles he did well.  Clearly I have the smartest children in all the land.  I'm thinking of getting their report cards printed onto a t-shirt that I can wear out in public.  I'm just that obnoxious proud of them.

Also, I got to spend some time with my cousin's baby this past weekend and he is more delicious than I can even put into words.

Also, I have taken some steps towards getting this photography thing started (because I know you're not tired of hearing me whine about that yet).  It is scary but I am doing it.  Eek!

Also, my fish have intestinal worms that will just not go away. That's not such great news but it's on my mind so you're going to hear about it.

Also, we have a fish named Sir Poopsalot.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Oh yeah, I have a blog

I suck.

I feel like I have about 100 balls in the air right now and I'm starting to drop them all over the place.  I have things I want to write about but I can't get my thoughts in order enough to get them all down.  I have friends in need and I haven't been able to be there for them the way I would like.  I have a million little mundane household projects that need to be done but I'm too distracted to stick with them longer than a minute or two.  I'm trying to put together the framework for starting my own photography business but I find it all too overwhelming and I have to stop every time I try to start.*  I'm waiting for emails and phone calls relaying important news, mail delivering important papers, text messages showing something to make me smile and none of it seems like it will ever come.

I'm frustrated, stressed and just BLECH.

On the bright side, I took this picture of a newborn baby's foot.

*Plus there's the whole thing with the pesky little voice saying "You're not good enough at this to even try making a go at it."  I hate that voice.

One year ago today Elle loved me.