The 1%

All last week I felt like I was on a death watch.  Just waiting for my next ultrasound so I could see that the last baby had stopped growing, waiting for the next step, waiting for it to be over.

I was 99% certain that Baby A was not going to make it.  I prepared myself emotionally for the worst.  I felt a black cloud hanging over me.  I felt like when people looked at me they knew what was going on and I wanted to defend myself.  "It's not my fault!  I did everything I could!  I followed all the rules!  I didn't want this to happen!"

When I went to the ultrasound on Wednesday I was ready to hear the bad news that I was 99% certain I was going to hear.  I tried to shut out that little voice that said "But maybe?  What if? Could there still be hope?"

The ultrasound started and right away I thought I saw a little flicker of movement.  Then nothing.  I must have imagined it.  The technician worked for a while without saying anything.  I watched the screen closely.  There it was again!  Movement!  And suddenly a lot of movement!  The technician laughed and said "That one is letting us know its still ok."

And oh, she's so ok.  She moved and wiggled and bounced around for the rest of the ultrasound.  Her heartbeat is good and her gestational sac, while a little on the small side, is still in the normal range.  She's a little fighter and I feel like she's going to beat the odds.  She blew away that 99% of uncertainty and sadness.  Every time she wiggled I felt a little happier and a little lighter.

You guys?  I think she's gonna make it.  I think in 30 weeks or so my IPs are going to have the baby they've been wanting for the last 15 years.  Eeeeeeeeee!

Ouch

Sadness hurts.  It physically hurts.  It settles into you bones and weighs you down.  It stiffens your muscles and makes your joints ache.  I am hurting right now.

We are facing the fact that this pregnancy is not going to last much longer.  Baby A is not going to make it.  People are being very kind and saying there's still hope and that miracles happen but I know that's not going to be the case here.  There are issues with these embryos that make it almost unbelievable that all three implanted.  The fact that I've made it to almost 10 weeks pregnant with one of them is statistically nearly impossible.

Obviously that doesn't make things any easier.  I'm angry with the doctor who made the choice to transfer these embryos.  I can't go into a lot of detail out of respect for the privacy of my intended parents but I will say that I feel like we were all led into a bad situation by a doctor who was either careless or incompetent or ... something I don't have a word for.

So now we wait.  I'm still pregnant and as far as I know Baby A still has a heartbeat but we'll have more ultrasounds to see when that changes.  I'm not going to lie.  This sucks.  This a million times harder than a failed transfer.  I can't even imagine how my Intended Parents must be feeling right now.  My heart breaks for them.  I wish I could do something to ease their pain.  I'm very emotionally invested in the pregnancy but they are having to deal with the loss one, two and then all three of their babies. 

I will be ok. Yesterday was hard.  Today will be hard.  This next week will be hard but I have the support of an amazing network of family and friends and fellow surrogate sisters.  If you're the praying kind or the good vibe kind or the well wishing kind please direct all of that to my IPs who I know are going to need to heal from this. 

Nobody said it would be easy but no one that it would be so hard

If there is one thing I have learned as I have gone through three surrogacy journeys it's that nothing is simple.  You never move forward in a straight line.  It's one step forward and two steps back.

This pregnancy started out with a one in a million shot of triplets.  That was scary but there was relief at the next ultrasound when we found out only two babies still had heartbeats.

Today I had another ultrasound and we discovered that only one of the babies still has has a heartbeat.  The other one looks like it stopped growing a week ago.  Pretty much right after my last ultrasound.

The good news: I saw the heartbeat and saw the little baby wiggling around.  It's measuring right at nine and a half weeks like it should.  The bad news: The gestational sac is only measuring about seven weeks.  Of course it's too early to tell what's going to happen and if there's something wrong.  If there is nothing can be done so we just have to sit back and watch and wait.

I don't have a good feeling about this.  I'm scared that this last little one will not hang in there.  My heart is broken for my IPs.  I never wanted to carry a litter of babies, one is enough.  If I can just hang on to this one little baby I can be happy. 

So for now I wait and I rest and think good thoughts and I look forward to/fear what the next ultrasound brings.  Please think good thoughts too.  Not for me but for my IPs who have so many hopes pinned on this last little heartbeat.

And then there were two

One of the benefits of my best friend working at the clinic where I get my prenatal care is that she gets to do some of my prenatal care.  Another benefit is that if if I text her to tell her that I'm about to get an ultrasound she might text back to tell me her patient for that time slot didn't show up and do I want some company?  And I can tell her that I do and then she can come to my ultrasound with me.

So that's how we came to find ourselves (plus Elle) in a little dark room staring at an ultrasound screen together and waiting for the tech to tell me what we were looking at.

Baby A looked great.  Measuring right on track with a good heartbeat.  Baby C looked great too.  Everything was it was supposed to be.

I knew as soon as he skipped measuring baby B that there was something going on.  I looked closer and I couldn't see a heartbeat but I thought maybe it was just the angle and that perhaps I wasn't seeing it.  As the tech finished up with Baby C my friend whispered "Jen, there's no heartbeat there."  The tech nodded.

I don't remember exactly what my reaction was but I burst into tears and started shaking.  I'm going to be honest here and say something that might surprise you.  I was crying from relief.  I wasn't sad or upset, just relieved.

There are a lot of risks associated with carrying triplets and my IPs were facing some hard decisions.  We were facing a long, scary pregnancy and it was not something that I was completely overjoyed with.

Now I feel like everything has fallen into place.  I can DO twins.  I know I can carry twins for a long time and deliver them as big, healthy babies.  When I saw that ultrasound I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.  I slept better last night than I have since the first ultrasound.

That's why I was so glad to have my best friend there. Not everyone will understand why I was ok with seeing that empty dark spot on the ultrasound but she gets it.  I think most other people will understand too sooner or later but not everyone could stood there in that dark room, hugged a pantsless, lubed up me and said "I love you. I'm so glad it worked out this way."

Now I get to focus on growing a perfect set of twins for some very excited parents.  As I said on facebook, this is probably the last time time I'm going to be pregnant (unless a certain set of dads ask me to have more babies for them (hint, HINT)) and I want to enjoy every moment of it.  And right now I'm going to enjoy eating homemade mac and cheese for three.

Three times the fun!

So I'm pregnant with triplets.  That's still a thing that is happening in my life.  Things have gotten interesting since I found out how many babies I've got on board.

The nearly universal reaction to this news has been "Holy shit!".  I myself go back and forth between "What's the big deal?  It's not like I'm the octomom." and "Holy shit!".  My mood swings, let me show you them.

The other reaction I get a lot is "Since you carried one the first time and two the second and three this time are you going to do four next time?"  If you know me in real life and have not yet said this to me, I beg you, please don't say it.  It kind of pisses me off. It's really not funny.  If I have to explain why then that's just going to annoy me more.

That said, it's not all Serious Business.  There's also a lot of sleeping involved.  I sleep ALL THE TIME.  Most days I get the kids off to school and then go back to bed.  I get up around lunch time when I try to eat and get a little done around the house.  After I pick up the kids I spend a little time with them until around 5 when I crash again.  Even when I'm awake I'm still tired as heck and if I miss a nap, watch out!

Then there's the food.  By some miracle of miracles I have not really had bad morning sickness.  I have yet to throw up and a lot of the time I have a pretty good appetite.  Cooking smells sometimes bother me but mostly I'm ok.  I eat a lot.  A lot.  I mean, a whole lot.  I can finish off a regular sized dinner and then have a bagel and then a handful of nuts and then a cheese stick and then a spinach salad and then a Christmas cookie and then a spoonful of peanut butter and then a spoonful of nutella and then a handful or pretzels and then maybe a piece of steak.  I don't believe in having shame or guilt about what you eat but even I am kind of embarrassed by how much I eat some days.

In (what I'm certain is unrelated news) my pants are already getting tight.  I've made a goal of not switching to maternity pants until 9 weeks (no, I don't know why so shut up) so now I just wear my "fat jeans" or yoga pants.  My breasts have also grown like the mighty oak.  Only they're not tall.  Just big.  So not so much like the mighty oak I guess.

So I'm getting by.  Life is good.  Christmas was good and I managed to stay awake for most of it.  My children continue to be the most delightful people on the planet.  Joseph had some friends over for a sleepover (his first ever!) and they were adorable and fun and the loudest of all the possible things.  Today Elle was looking at me through a cardboard tube and she said "Mama, your head is really small.  Go look in the mirror to see how small your head is.  You won't even believe it."

See?  Life is good.

A, B, C, easy as 1, 2, 3

"Since you had one with the first surrogacy and two with the second are you going to have three with the third?"

I lost count of how many people asked me that.  Friends, family, casual acquaintances, my ob.  Hell, I even joked about it myself a few times.  Oh, it's a funny joke, carrying triplets.  Ha ha HA.

When I went to California for my embryo transfer I was well armed with statistics and facts and percentages.  I knew we were going to be aggressive and transfer three embryos.  I knew what could happen.  I was willing to take the risk. I knew that in the room next to me there was another woman, a second surrogate my IPs were were working with, who was taking the same risk.  My IPs, frustrated with their 15 year cycle of trying and failing to have a child had decided to take a big risk.  Two surrogates, six embryos.  An unusual situation to be sure but one everyone involved with was comfortable being a part of.

Right before the transfer the doctor squeezed my hand and said "Now triplets are possible you know, but not likely at all.  You just keep taking your prenatal vitamins and everything will be fine."

After the transfer came the wait.  Almost right away I knew it had worked.  I just felt pregnant.  Less than four full days after the transfer I got my first positive urine test.  Nine days after the transfer I had my first blood test.  My beta came back as 62. Now that might not mean anything to most of you but for those of us in "the biz" that number is kind of low.  Two days later I had another beta and that one was just a hair shy of doubling.  A good sign but I still wasn't real happy with the low number.  Two days later I had my third and final beta and the number had almost tripled.

I found out that the other surrogate had not gotten pregnant.  Not one of the three embryos transferred had "stuck" for her.

So yesterday was the big day for me.  I got to go to my first ultrasound and see how many embryos had "stuck" with me.  Based on my low numbers I felt like it was probably one.  (In fact, I had compared my numbers to when I was pregnant with the twins and they were a good deal lower this time around.)  I also have had almost not morning sickness and certainly you can't have a multiple pregnancy without morning sickness, right?  On the other hand, I knew that I had been really tired.  Well, tired doesn't even start to describe it.  I was utterly exhausted.  So maybe it was twins.

When I went for my ultrasound the technician recognized me from when I was in all the time with the twins.  She was friendly and we chatted for a bit before getting started.  As she started the ultrasound she asked "Any chance there's more than one in here?"  I laughed and said there could be as many as three but I didn't think that was really possible.

She started probing me and the room got very quiet.  I couldn't see the screen but I could see her face and she looked... confused?  Worried? Amused?  I started to get worried myself.  What if she was seeing a gestational sec with no fetus in it?  What if this was a chemical pregnancy?  "What are you seeing there?" I asked at last.

"I'm seeing a lot of activity" she said slowly and then she turned the screen towards me.  And there it was.

 

A. B. C.  Three.  Triplets.  

I was speechless.  I just stared.  How could this be?  I mean, I knew it could be but .... HOW?  I managed to find my voice and I asked the tech to show me each heartbeat twice.  I still didn't believe it until she managed to get all three heartbeats on the screen at one.  The rest of the ultrasound was a blur.  I was trying to keep from crying or laughing or passing out or all three combined.  Before she left the room the tech squeezed my hand.

I got dressed and wandered out to the waiting room.  Then to the hall way.  Then I had to sit down.  I sat for a long time.  I called Jesse and my surrogacy agency and texted a couple of people.  Then, when I was at last feeling halfway solid I drove home and ate half a jar of nutella.

Today I'm still feeling stunned.  I don't know what this will bring.  It's still super early in the pregnancy.  (I will be six weeks tomorrow.)  I know it's not uncommon in multiple pregnancies for one fetus to ... disappear.  Of course that doesn't always happen.  I have to admit that I am facing the prospect of carrying three babies.  Am I freaked?  You bet your sweet ass I am.  Freaked doesn't even scratch the surface of how I feel.  But I'm going to play this one day by day and see what comes next. 

As for right now?  I'm going to go eat that other half jar of nutella.  Don't judge.  I'm eating for four.

Houston, we have a baby

Woot!  I'm pregnant!  The transfer was successful much to my great relief.  To be honest, I was getting positive pregnancy tests just four days after the embryo transfer but I wanted to hold off on sharing until it had been confirmed by blood test.

Three blood tests later my hgc numbers just keep going up so we're really, truly pregnant.  My IM is starting to get cautiously optimistic.  This has been a long road for her and I know we still have a long way to but she's getting excited.

As for me I feel pretty good right now.  I have decided that this will be the pregnancy where I do not get morning sickness.  I'm determined not to throw up a single time.  I have had a couple of times where I felt a little urpy but I think that was caused less by morning sickness and more by a pretty wicked case of heartburn.  Mostly I'm hungry all the time and really, really sleepy.  I forgot how tired I get during early pregnancy!  I keep thinking "I should really get the Christmas decorations out ...zzzzzzzz." or "I suppose I should get dinner started and clean the ..... zzzzzz."

Oh well.  This too shall pass and before you know it I'll be on to my favorite part of pregnancy - the part where I switch to maternity pants!

Randomness - The LA edition

Is there anything more decedent than room service?  You look at a menu and choose whatever you want to eat and then magically, after a quick phone call it shows up in your room and you can eat it while you sit on your bed and watch a marathon of Deadliest Catch.

Have I mentioned that I am in LA?  Probably not since I haven't blogged in over two weeks.  Eek.  Retroactive blogging guilt!

Saturday morning I had an embryo transfer.  Attempt #2 at surrogacy #3 has begun.  I'm going to be here till Wednesday taking it super easy and resting and relaxing and clenching and hoping like the dickens that this one takes.  I feel like our odds are pretty good so.... we'll see I guess.

I have gone into serious take-it-easy mode.  After I eat my room service I stare at my tray with resentment thinking how big of a job it will be to take it over to the door.  Why must post-room service clean up be such a big job?

Today is my husband's birthday.  I feel bad that I'm not home to do something nice for him.  I would have grilled him a nice steak or something.  Although really he does all the grilling at our house so he probably would have had to grill his own steak.  Which I guess he can do even without me there.  So I guess me not being there really doesn't change anything.

Before I got here I was really looking forward to a few days rest and relaxation.  Now that I'm here I have to say that I am SO BORED.  I've been reading a ton, spending a lot of time on pinterest, playing some facebook games and watching a bunch of reruns of Pawn Stars (most depressing show ever).  It was fun at first but now I'm going a little stir crazy.  I wish I could do a load of dishes or brush Elle's hair or listen to one of Joseph's long stories about video games or play with my camera or can a batch of tomato sauce or bake some cookies or do anything outside of this hotel room.  But... my IPs want me on aggressive bedrest so I'm resting.  And slowly losing my mind.

Oh!  Hoarders is on!