Tuesday, June 12, 2012

I don't have bugs down there

Since I have arrived at the hospital 16 (or is it 17?) days ago every doctor and nurse I've seen has given me the same three pieces of advice.

1. Drink a lot of water.
2. Rest a lot.
3. Keep your perineum clean.

I'm fine with the first two pieces of advice but the last one always makes me a little uncomfortable. First off because the word is awkward and always evokes and image that I am not really at ease with. Secondly because it makes me wonder if they're saying that because I look like the sort of woman who would neglect her hygiene in that one very particular area. It makes me feel very defensive and I want to say "Oh, believe me! I keep my perineum clean! There is no slacking in that department!" but I have a sneaking suspicion that would only make things worse.

So I try to look very serious and interested and totally unoffended when I get The Perineum Talk. I'm an adult. I am completely at ease discussing the area between my you-know-what and my whoo-ha. I've even developed what I call Perineum Face which is similar to Poker Face in that it doesn't give away what I am really thinking. ("Shut up shut up shut up oh my god shut up!")

Then! Last night the humiliation reached a new high. Or low. Whatever humiliation reaches. A nurse who I do not like came walking into my room. (Back story - I love 99% of the nurses here but this one in particular really gets under my skin. In fact I have asked for her to not be assigned to me which created a lot of Uncomfortable Feelings for me and made me be a lot more assertive than I usually like to be but it had to be done. The first time I met this nurse was when she barged into my room without knocking, called me by the wrong name and ignored my protests that I was not, in fact, Cecily and started to give me discharge instructions.) So the fact that this nurse was even in my room (again without knocking) annoyed me. The fact without any preface she handed me a small water bottle confused me. I was horrified by what she said next.

"You can use this to clean up after you go to the bathroom. It will help keep all the bugs off your vagina."

I made a noise like this "Uhhhhg... bu....va.....gah!"

The nurse smiled and left the room.

Now I've been here two weeks and no one has given me any advice like this up to this point. I would kind of think that if I needed Vagina Bug Repellent someone would have mentioned it already. So I am choosing to believe that the water bottle was actually meant for someone else, Cecily perhaps, and this afternoon I used it to water my plants.


Andrea said...

I am in tears from laughing so much. Oh man! What a story. Time to speak with the nurse administrator I think. Ban that crazy lady from your room!!

Anonymous said...

This reminds me of that viral internet thingy.. "Centipedes? In my vagina? It's more likely than you think!" from a few years back. Thanks for the laugh!

Lindsay said...

I love nurses. They are dedicated and wonderful. My sister is a nurse. But holy god, I had a few bad nurses when delivering my children. You have my sympathies. Keep up the good wiping!

Anonymous said...

Jen, OMG, you need to start writing a book! I am serious about it! You definitely make me laugh! Well, at least you have some "entertainment" at the hospital. Hang in there, kiddo...we are all cheering for you and that brave little one who is your constant companion. Love to both of you! Your MIL, Judy

JM said...

Ummm, what?? That is quite the interesting thing to watch out for! Good luck "keepin' in clean"!

Stimey said...

Holy hell. That's so...offensive. I am horrified for you. Also, I feel bad for Cecily.

Sara said...

I know you've mentioned in the past that you update facebook a lot more than your blog, but since I'm not friends with you on facebook, have you had the baby yet?

Unknown said...

Wow, that's just....wow.

kold_kadavr_ flatliner said...

Everyone has a perEYEneum, dear.
Dont think you're special.
Juss teeesn.
I first learned of my perEYEneum
in Hawaiian, kempo karate where I
gott my long-sought-after black belt
in only 5 and half years BTW.