Friday, June 01, 2012

Parenting from afar

Elle is hovering around my bed and eying the food on my tray. "What's that taste like Mama?" she asks about the cheesy noodle casserole I've been served for dinner. I give her a taste and she smiles and hops back and forth from one foot to another. Before you know it she's eaten half of my dinner. Casserole, broccoli and a dinner roll served on a tray in bed are fun when you're six. After I let her finish my butterscotch pudding she climbs up onto my bed and curls up around me.

Joseph has no interest in my dinner but he sits in the chair next to my bed and keeps up an endless stream of chatter about cartoons and Big Nate books and this girl in his class who tries to boss him around. In the middle of his speech he pauses and says "I like being around you" and then goes right back to what he was saying.

It is breaking my heart to be away from the kids. I know that they're ok, that they're taken care of. Jesse and my parents are taking care of everything they need. It's not the same though. They need me. I need to be there for them. I'm missing end of school year events. As I type this Joseph is doing a stand up routine in his school talent show and I have to be here in bed. If I was there I could cheer him on and wave to Elle when she searched the auditorium for me.

In theory I could be in this room for another five weeks. That's the best case scenario. I give Baby A plenty of time to grow big and strong and then I deliver when I'm 34 weeks pregnant. I can't help but hate it a little bit that in order to give this baby the best I have to be away from my babies. Of course I do the best I can from this bed. My parents and Jesse had brought the kids to visit several times. We talk on the phone. We've skyped. It's not the same though. I want to be home. I want to be the one to brush Elle's hair in the morning. I want to be the one to remind Joseph that it's 80 degrees out and that he doesn't need a long sleeved shirt on. I want to be the one to make dinner and then hear the whines about the weird new vegetable I'm serving.  I want to smell Elle when she comes inside from playing in the garden and she smells like dirt and chives. I want to hear Joseph when he finds a funny Harry Potter mash up video on youtube that makes him do his crazy falling down giggle.

I want to go home to my children,


Anonymous said...

I know this isn't how you planned for this pregnancy to be and I'm sorry you are confined to the hospital, and I know you miss your babies. In your shoes ( or should I say slippers), I would be feeling the same way. But, they do have people that love them that are taking care of them. Be grateful that you have that wonderful support system. And this too shall pass. Soon this time will be a memory and you will be home with them making new memories and you will have given another set of parents a child to love as much as you love yours.

Your MIL... Judy

Stimey said...

It has to be so hard to not be with them. I'm so sorry. You are giving an incredible gift to your IPs. Love to you.

Danielle said...

My heart goes out to you right now. My eldest graduates Kindergarten on Tuesday and as of right now, I don't know if either of us will be able to attend.

Andrea said...

As a mother, I feel your heartache. This too will pass, Love. You will be stronger because of it. You will parent better because of it. You will love deeper because of it. Your children adore you. They will adore you even more when they get "mom" back. Hang in there sweetie. This too will pass.

Anonymous said...

Hang in there. This too shall pass.

Barbara said...

Not going to lie, 5 weeks is going to feel like an eternity. I can't even imagine how difficult it is for you to be away from them. Missing putting Kirsten to bed just one night is hard enough for me.

It is nice that they're old enough to kind of know and understand what you are doing and why you are away. Pretty sure that when they are parents one day themselves and understand what it all entails, they are going to be pretty in awe of their mother's selflessness.

And maybe, just maybe you'll get some extra extra good behavior from Elle and Joseph for a while because they miss you so much. Maybe? :) *hugs*

I drove by St. Cloud on my way home from Minneapolis, and of course thought of you. Hubby had a meeting at work though so I couldn't stop to say hi... would that have been weird though? I'd have brought you candy from Iceland! :) But that would probably make your doctor lecture you again :(