Thursday, August 26, 2010

All of the swag, none of the drag

Remember when I was all "Wah!  I'm never going to Blogher because it's scary and blah blah blah no one cares!"?  Like, two seconds after I published that post it occured to me that if I never go to Blogher then I will never get any swag.  Sad!  But then look what came in the mail today!

 Specifically tiny tape measure* mice from Stimey!
 You know, when you arrange them like that their little tape measure mouths make sort of unfortunate symbol.  I'm not sure exactly what message Stimey was trying to send me with her little Glenn Beck Nazi mice but I'm not sure I care for it.
Luckily the mice are cute when they're separated.  Even when they're cradled in my giant, pale, potato-like man hands.  Plus, every time I use one I'll be reminded to visit Stimey for all my quirk and quirk related accessories.

Since we got four mice everyone in our family got to name one.  Elle named hers Mousy but she's going to call it Jerry.  Joseph named his Jerry but he's going to name his Mousy.  This was all decided after an incident which shall hereafter be referred to as The Great Mouse Naming War of 2010.  At least that's what I would call it if I ever spoke about it again which I won't because even the mere thought of how emotionally invested my children are willing to become in the naming of plastic mice makes me want to curl up in a corner and cry.

When I asked Jesse what he would like to name his mouse he said "Dead."  Then he said "Or maybe we could go the traditional route and name them them Mickey, Minnie, Mortimer and ... something else."  That seems not so much "traditional" as it does "stealing all the fun of mice naming from everyone else and also a little over invested in the whole process" so we'll just go with the original name of Dead.  (I think Jesse is a little bitter about the mouse situation we've got going on in our garden right now.)

I named my mouse AWESOME because that's what it is.

So thank you Stimey for the awesome swag.  I think my favorite part about it is that I didn't even have to elbow a baby in the face to get it.

*Did you know that these things are called "tape measures" and not "tape measurers"?  It wasn't until spell check alerted me that there was no such word as "measurer" that I realized I've been saying it wrong my entire life.  I feel like such a fool.  It's worse than the time I realized that game shows gave away "parting gifts" and not "party gifts".

Two years ago today Elle was an artist.
Four years ago today Joseph was in a rough patch.
Five years ago today Joseph scolded an old lady.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Where in the hell is my dad?

If you are a regular reader of this blog you know that I'm pretty much an open book.  There's not a whole lot about myself that I won't talk about.  There is one area where I've always held back though.  Oh, don't pretend you don't know what I'm taking about.  I know that you've read my blog and thought to yourself "Well that's a great story about her cervix and all but why hasn't she ever talked about ... you know, that thing she never talks about?"

You're in luck folks. Today is the day I break down that final barrier.

Today is the day ... I post a video ... of my dad ... dancing.

It's a parody of the Where In The Hell Is Matt? videos that the college my dad works at put together for student orientation.  If you want to get right to the best part skip to 3:39 to see my dad. He's the one who stops dancing to point at the car.  Not even his job (which pays him and requires him to do things) could force him to dance for three seconds in a row.

There.  Now there are no more secrets between us.  I know I feel much better now.  How my dad will respond to this remains to be seen.

Updated to add: When I showed this video to the kids Elle said "How did Paga do that?  When we went to New York did he come to our house and sneak into our computer?"  My baby is crazy smart ya'll.

One year ago today I found out I was pregnant with twins.
Three years ago today a pharmacist tried to wound me.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Thanks for making me hate the internet, Internet Guy

So I just had a real fun exchange with a guy (on freaking facebook of all places) with a guy pretty much accused me of needing counseling to deal with my sexual attraction to children and then kind of suggesting that I should be in prison maybe.  I'm not going to go into the specifics of the argument but suffice it to say that the guy is a) totally wrong b) a complete douchebag c) probably projecting some of his own weird issues onto me.  (Just so we're totally clear here, the attraction he was talking about?  All made up in his head.  He wasn't remarking on something I actually did, he was just making stuff up and then slamming me for it.)

Sometimes I float along thinking the internet is a nice, cozy, happy place.  It's like a beautiful house that you're comfortable in and that you love and then you look over in the corner and there's a crazy person shitting on your brand new rug and even though you try to ignore it, it's A LOT of shit and you just know it's going to leave a stain.

Please, good people of the internet - help me out there.  Help me cover up the stain.  Give me some love.  Leave me a link to your favorite happy-making youtube video.  Link to a blog post that made you laugh.  Point mme towards a picture of puppies rolling in a field of flowers.  Heck, I'll even take a lolcat right about now.

One year ago today Elle was headed to Disney World.
Two years ago today I talked about a sad manicure.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

I need to talk to you about this pressing issue

There's a lot I would like to discuss with you right now.  Prop 8 being struck down only not really but kind of sort of.  The horribly blown out of proportion and over-dramatized "Ground Zero mosque".  You know, really important issues.  I'll get to that stuff some other time because right now there's something I need to talk about that I just cannot put off any longer. 

So here it is...

Teresa  Giudice.

She's like, a living, breathing Neanderthal right?  Because there's no way a fully evolved human being is sporting that hairline.  And I'm not even knocking her.  I think that hairline is great for distracting people from her sloping forehead and freakishly wide set eyes.  I'm just asking because I have only seen one or two episodes of the show but if I had known that Bravo was going to do an Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer crossover I probably would have started watching a long time ago.

Three years ago today I took the worst flight of my life.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Confessions of a lazy housewife

Raise your hand if you've ever had a dirty glass (or plate or serving utensil) that just wouldn't come clean so you left it in the dishwasher for load after load.  Raise the other hand if you finally just gave up and threw it away.

Monday, August 09, 2010

This is why I will never go to Blogher

I've spend the last few days in a funk because BLOGHER!  I want to go to there!  For the past week I've been reading everyone's pre-Blogher posts and their mid-Blogher posts and seeing their pictures on facebook and Flickr and blah blah blah why does everyone else get to have all the good times?!?

It all came to a head Saturday night.  I was sitting on my porch watching the most amazing lightning storm. Well, I was sort of watching.  Mostly I was pouting.  I was thinking that if I had gone to Blogher then I could have stayed in New York for an extra day and spent all day Sunday snuggling the babes and enjoying the city that I fell in love with when we vacationed there.

I had a hard time falling asleep that night because I was in such a bad mood.  That and the giant wind and hail storm raging outside.

My mood had not improved by Sunday morning.  In fact, it was much worse.  The storm did some some serious damage to our garden and our vegetables took a big hit.  Jesse and I brought in about 30 pounds of green tomatoes that looked like they had been shot.  I had to fight back tears as we picked them.  We put so much work into that garden and it was all just shot to hell by a hail storm.

I spent all of Sunday washing, chopping, slicing, blending, simmering, spicing, boiling, freezing, drying and canning the damaged produce from the garden.  It was a huge job but it gave me time to think.  I decided that I was a little bit glad I wasn't in New York during the storm.  If I had been Jesse would not have know what to do with the damaged vegetables and everything would have been wasted.

That got me thinking.  Did I really want to go to Blogher in the first place?  I mean, really?  I am a giant dweeb and I can't talk to people I don't know.  The idea of being in a place with a huge group of people that I don't know and who don't know me sort of makes me want to vomit in terror.  I would have ended up spending the entire time in the bathroom.  And sure, you can meet some really cool people in bathrooms but do I really want to pay that much to go to a conference where I will then spend the entire time cowering in the bathroom?

And it wouldn't even be the cool bathroom!  It would be the bathroom where people who no one knows hang out.  Cool people can hide in the bathroom and somehow they make it look good.  I am not cool and if I did it people would just think I was a weirdo with a poop fetish.

Then there's the parties.  I know that's a big reason why some people go to Blogher.  I'm sure the parties are fun ... if you get invited to them.  I don't know if you know this about me but I am a nobody in the blogosphere.  A giant nobody.  If I went to Blogher I would not be invited to any parties. I probably would not even be able to get an invite to Poopher*.  I can stay home and not get invited places, there's no reason for me to take it to a national level.

If you had asked me a week ago I would have said "Yes!  I am 100% certain I am going to Blogher 2011!"  Then I found out it's going to be in San Diego**.  I lost about 99% of my interest right there.  On, nothing against San Diego ... it's just not New York.  New York has so much going for it.  Fun things to see and do, friends, babies!  San Diego has none of that.  Well, I guess they have fun things to see and do or we wouldn't be vacationing there in two months.  And I suppose they have babies there but they don't have babies who spent nine months tap dancing on my bladder.

I occurred to me that I might not have wanted to go to Blogher in the first place.  I think I just wanted to go to New York.  And if that's what I want to do, I can do that.  I don't need the stress and pressure of Blogher to make me go. I can just do it on my own!  (Confidential to New York friends who might be reading this - Don't worry, I'll call before I come.)

The only bad thing about not attending Blogher is that I'll miss out on meeting some really awesome people.  Or will I?  Yes.  I will.  But there's no reason I can't meet some of them!  If I don't need Blogher to get me to New York then I don't need it to bring me together with friends.  I would rather scrimp and save and pinch my pennies to take a trip to spend a few days with an internet friend than I would to spend a few days catching occasional glimpses of internet friends as they went off to cool events and swinging parties.  If I want to meet people I can just go directly to the people!  (Confidential to internet friends who might be reading this - Don't worry, I won't call before I come.  You'll know I'm there because of the tapping on your bedroom window at 2 AM.)

None of this is a slam on Blogher or the people who attend it.  I'm sure it's a ton of fun for the people who went and I look forward to reading what people have to say about it.  I just don't think it's the place for me.  I'm too shy, too nerdy, too unknown to get as much out of it as other people do.  And you know what?  I think I'm ok with that.

*Poopher is 100% made up.  For now. I'm just waiting for someone to take the concept of hiding in a bathroom and turning it into a party.  I see it happening within the next two years.
** Blogher is continuing it's tradition of being held in places I've just vacationed in.  Buy your tickets for Blogher 2012 - Rapid City, South Dakota right now!

Four years ago today I got a myspace page.
Five years ago today I got spam.

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

This is what makes Elle laugh

A Picture Story About Little Balls of Brown Felt

Two years ago today we saw some freaky stuff at the fair.

Sunday, August 01, 2010

Because it's raining today

I was planning on doing some heavy duty gardening today but it's been raining all morning so I guess that's off.  I have a bunch of stuff in the house that needs to get done but I just can't seem to get going.  I'm just not in the mood to fold laundry and wash dishes.  Instead, I think I'll watch this video of my kids.  I suggest you do the same.  (It was taken a few years ago at our old house and I can't believe they were ever that small!)

One year ago today Joseph made the neighbors afraid of me.
Five years ago today Joseph was adorable.