I'm thinking of renaming this to The Amazing Race Blog (With Some Poop Stories) (And Also Cervix Status Updates)

Who wants to talk some more about The Amazing Race?  I do!  After a two week double leg there's a lot to talk about! Exclamation points!  Let's see where the racers are at.

Gary and Mallory - They are running a good, solid race.  It's too bad they had to use their Express Pass to get them past the Dino Challenge of Doom but it was a good move and probably saved them from elimination.  I still feel like I should hate Mallory but darn it, she's just so darned adorable that I can't help but like her.

Flight Time and Big Easy - Meh.  I'm loving them a little less than I used to.  I like them more when they are a little more low key.  They're starting to grate a little bit when they're so "on".  I predict not many legs left for them.  They run an odd race, a combination of excellence and occasional moments of pure stupidity.

Jamie and Cara - I'm not sad they were out this last leg.  Cara was sort of a non entity and Jamie was not such a nice person.  I'm glad they got out before Jamie insulted someone for speaking own language in their own country.  Her xenophobia was never fun to watch.

Jet and Cord - Still adorable.  Still kind of dumb.  I think they'll be out before long. 

Kent and Vyxsin - Remember when I said Vyxsin seemed like kind of a rocking chick?  Yeah, I take that back.  Over the past two episodes this team ran the worst race I have ever seen any team run in all the seasons of this show.  They got lost, they missed a flight, they lost their passports, they lost their passports again, they cried, they screamed, they lied, they forgot to touch up their make-up.  When they finally checked into the Pit Stop they looked like sad little goth clowns coming down from a three day meth binge.  I felt a little bit sorry for them.  Not sorry enough to not laugh like crazy when the show went to commercial with a slow-mo shot of Kent falling off a ladder. 

Kisha and Jen - Hmmm, I remember not liking them in their original season.  What changed?  I don't know but I find myself rooting for them.  They're solid racers and so far there's no real drama from them.  They've really been able to power through some tasks that other teams struggle with.  I predict they'll hang around for a while.

Margie and Luke - Meh.  It seems like they're hardly on the show at all.  I'm looking forward to next week when Luke has to drink a lot of tea and cries. 

Ron and Christina - Ok, I admit it, Ron wanting to snack his way through China was a little bit funny.  I still think he's a grade A creep though.  When he was trying to stop a bus to get it to pick them up he decided to throw a rock at it.  Like, did he think that would work?  Who does stuff like that?  He's so weird.  Still, they're racing pretty well.  Christina is totally carrying this team though and I suspect that can't last too much longer.

Zev and Justin - Love them.  And it's because I love them that I can say I laughed and laughed and laughed when Zev was doing the wind chime challenge.  When he hung all the charms up in a bug clump and turned to the judge and said "Is that good?" Then he spun it and said "Now?" Reorganized the clump. "Now?" Angrily rehung the clump. "NOW!?!"  I love this team but they seem to bleed a lot of time traveling from one spot to another.  They need to tighten that up but if they can't I'm not sure how much longer they'll last.

Next week - Teams have to drink a lot of tea and Luke cries.  I cackle in anticipation.

Four years ago today Elle was cute on video.

More Amazing Race chatter

Ok, so let's talk some more about the Amazing Race.  I don't care if only one person will read this.  The Amazing Race is awesome!

Amanda and Kris - Eliminated in the first round.  This is sad for three reasons.  1.  I was never really able to recall who they were.  2. They seemed like the rare "dating couple" that the show casts that didn't act like they wanted to kill each other.  3. I like the way Phil called Amanda "Amander".

Gary and Mallory - I like Mallory because I only have to see her one hour a week.  I think her level of enthusiasm would wear on me really quickly in real life.  No one can possible love life that much?  Can they?  Gary continues to impress me.

Flight Time and Big Easy - Ok, I don't think for one second that they took someone else's Amazing Fanny Pack on purpose but they maybe could have handled the returning of it a little better.  And the ching-chonging they were doing during the prayer ceremony?  Errr... not cool.  But I still like them because they're funny and nice to each other and that counts for a lot in my book.

Jamie and Cara - Still can't tell them apart.  Still don't like them.  Jamie has a serious case of Ugly American.

Jet and Cord - Come on guys, get it together.  You're adorable and you seem like really nice guys but you're racing like you've been bucked from one too many bulls.  Smarten up!  (But they're still really nice to each other and as I said, that counts for a lot.)

Kent and Vyksin - As long as I live I will never forget Kent warbling "Children!  Bring me children!" Vyksin seems really invested in her "look at me, I'm so ALTERNATIVE!" thing but I think otherwise she kind of rocks.  She's clearly carrying her odd, wispy boyfriend through this race.

LaKisha and Jennifer - Hmmm.  I'm starting to like them again.  Not a lot of drama, competent racing, nice to each other.  (I know, if I had my way it would be called The Amazing Who Can Be Nicest Race.)

Margie and Luke - Meh.  Still not a fan.  They seem to be holding their own though.

Mel and Mike - I liked Mel and Mike.  I'm glad they're out of the race though because I was not interested in watching the Mel Dies in the Mud show.  In their original season Mike was funny and quirky.  This time all he did was worry and whine about Mel.  Still, they seemed like great people and I'm glad for them that they got the chance to run the race again.  And I'm glad they didn't die doing it.

Ron and Christina - Hey, here's something interesting - Christina is engaged to someone she met on her original run of the show!  It looks like she picked herself a copy of dear old Dad.  The guy was an ass on the show.  Ron is ... just ... bleh.  Awful.  I like Christina but I hope this team is eliminated soon just so that I don't have to listen to her whine "Daddy! Stop!" as Ron travels the world verbally assaulting everyone within a ten food radius of him.

Zev and Justin - LOVE THEM!  Good racers, funny, kind to each other, cute as can be.  They've got it all. Go Team Aspie!  Oh, and I've read some criticism of them saying people should not cheer for them simply because Zev has Aspergers.  To that I say this: Bullshit.  Most neurotypical people would not be comfortable doing something like the Amazing Race.  For Zev to do knowing how outside of his comfort zone he'll have to be is amazing.  Zev is a rock star.  As is Justin.  So there.

Three years ago today I watched Survivor.

The Amazingish Race

Let's talk about The Amazing Race shall we? I have been a fan of this show since the first season. I think it's clever, exciting and fun. Well, most of the time it's those things. Once in a while it sort of sucks because a really lame team wins it all (FLO!) but most of the time it's pretty good.

This most recent season is called Unfinished Business and it's made up of returning, non-winning teams. These sorts of things can either go really well or really, really badly. Let's look at who the returning teams are (At the time I wrote this I had not yet seen the first episode. I will watch it as soon as I'm done here.):

Jet and Cord - Loved them. Loved, them, loved them, loved them. And I also loved them. Nice guys who kept their sense of humor and looked adorable in cowboy hats. I almost cried when they went out.

Margie and Luke - A mother and her deaf son. I wanted to like them, I really did. I liked them at first but then it became clear that Margie was kind of a screechy wench and Luke had a chip on his shoulder the size of .... something big. I was not sad to see them lose.

Amanda and Kris - Who? I don't remember them at all. Another boring, pretty couple who probably called each other "babe" a lot. Yawn.

Flight Time and Big Easy - This team of two Harlem Globe Trotters was another favorite of mine. They made some really stupid mistakes while racing but they just were so darned fun to watch. I hope they stick around.

Mel and Mike - I loved this father and son team. The dad is Mel is nearly 70 and the son is Mike White and they are awesome. I hope they stick around too.

Kent and Vyxsin - I hope these two get eaten by crocodiles in the first episode. If they manage to hang in there any longer than two episodes I will cry. These two goth/pixie/emo/punk/weirdos are just so very pleased with themselves and their non-conforming ways. It's just painful to watch. Why did they bring them back?!?

Gary and Mallory - Mallory was a fairly religious beauty queen and I did not expect to like them but this father/daughter team really grew on me. They were just to upbeat and nice and Mallory seemed to be having the time of her life. I hope they go far this time.

LaKisha and Jen - I liked them at first but less and less as their season went on. Then they were eliminated when one of them stopped to pee as they were racing to the end of that leg of the race. I hope that this time they know to pee their pants if that's what it takes to get to the end. You don't want to go out because of a potty break.

Zev and Justin - Best friends, one of them has Aspergers. Do I even need to tell you how much I loved them? They went out last time because of a lost passport. I cried. I will cry again if they don't win this time. Hell, I'll cry even if they do win. Seriously. I love them.

Ron and Christina - Christina seemed like a lovely person but Ron was an ass. It made me uncomfortable to watch this father and daughter team as berated and belittled her across every country they traveled to. They made it to the end but did not win. As they cried about their loss Ron said "For the first time I can finally say that I actually love my daughter." I hope Ron gets eaten by crocodiles this time.

Jamie and Cara - They operated in two modes: boring and abrasive. Plus, I was never able to tell them apart. Meh.

So who will it be? Who will win it all? I can't wait to find out! Unless it's Kent and Vyxsin. Or Ron.

Edited to add: NOOOOOOOOO!

I need to talk to you about this pressing issue

There's a lot I would like to discuss with you right now.  Prop 8 being struck down only not really but kind of sort of.  The horribly blown out of proportion and over-dramatized "Ground Zero mosque".  You know, really important issues.  I'll get to that stuff some other time because right now there's something I need to talk about that I just cannot put off any longer. 

So here it is...

Teresa  Giudice.

She's like, a living, breathing Neanderthal right?  Because there's no way a fully evolved human being is sporting that hairline.  And I'm not even knocking her.  I think that hairline is great for distracting people from her sloping forehead and freakishly wide set eyes.  I'm just asking because I have only seen one or two episodes of the show but if I had known that Bravo was going to do an Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer crossover I probably would have started watching a long time ago.

Three years ago today I took the worst flight of my life.

Randomosity

I am giving away a breast pump. If you would like to win it you can enter here.

Today Elle and I went to the hardware store to buy telephone wire. We couldn't find what we were looking for but we did find a blueberry bush. When Elle saw it her eyes lit up and she squealed with joy. Now we own a blueberry bush.

Jesse gives me my hormone shots and we have discovered that there is no way to talk about it without it sounding really dirty. "Stick it in fast and make sure it's in all the way."

If you are in the mood for having your heart smashed into a million pieces then watch the movie Dear Zachary. It's an amazing documentary and so very, very well done. I watched it on Friday and I am still recovering from it today.

Coach on Survivor might be the most delusional person I have ever seen on reality tv. I always wonder if he really believes the stuff he's telling people. He can't really believe that a tribe of Amazons really wanted to eat his butt, can he? Because if he does he is the only person in the entire world who believes that.

We have decided to take the lazy approach to our garden. We're slapping a fence around it and calling it a day. Maybe next year we'll be organized enough for raised beds but this year we're going to see how well our vegetables do when we are total slackers.

Joseph has lost another of his top teeth. The entire top front of his mouth is empty except for one front tooth that's coming in. I don't know how me manages to eat anything. He sure does have a crazy cute smile now though.

Tomorrow I am joining a gym. Look forward to my update in two weeks where I quit a gym. I am afraid. Very, very afraid.

Two years ago I had the most beautiful daughter. I still do of course.
Four years ago today I had problems with eye jelly.

It's like blogging but more random

I don't have anything substantial enough to blog about so here are some random little snippets.

Elle has started saying "lasterday" instead of "yesterday". According to her everything happened lasterday. I hope she never stops saying it.

Jesse and I wnet out with friends on Saturday night. I put a dollar in the juke box and played "Shoop". I knew all the words so I sang along. It was awesome and shameful. But mostly awesome.

VH-1 has a lot of crappy programming but the worst show of them all might be Tool Academy. I hope that if instead of having a second season they have a new show for the women of Tool Academy and that they call it "Get Some Intensive Therapy So You Can Deal With Your Issues and Find Out What Would Cause You to Date Such an Asshole Academy". That said, I was glad Ashley and Tiny Tool won. I was rooting for them. And now I have to go stick my head in the microwave.

People who think using the U-turn on the Amazing Race is "shady" are stupid. It's part of the game and to not use take advantage of something that could help you win the game (or at least advance) isn't honorable. It's dumb.

I would kill for good sushi and/or Indian food.

I just sent my new IFs an email with a story about the problem with ice house robberies in Minnesota. I don't know why. I just like telling people random crap that they don't need to know about.

My surrogacy contracts are done and I could be getting a meds schedule as soon as Wednesday. We're cruising now!

Sometimes Jesse and I like to chat on Facebook when he's in the office and I'm in the living room with the laptop. The fact that we can hear each other typing as we "chat" amuses me to no end.

Today I found a little rock in my pocket and I have no idea how it got there.

Not buying it

That show on VH1, The Pick-Up Artist. People actually watch that show? Like, on purpose? And this Mystery guy. Women actually sleep with him? On purpose?

I'm sorry, I fail to see how either of those things can be true.

I have a strong desire to meet this Mystery guy. I would like for him to try to pick me up just so that I could laugh at him. Then I would like for him to walk away from me a sad and broken man because all his tricks failed to woo a chubby midwestern housewife. And then I would like for him to realize that he's not nearly as awesome as he thinks he is so he goes home and backs out of his stupid show and the show has to be cancelled and everyone who looks up to him realizes what a loser he is and no one ever hears from him again ever. That's what I want. Is that so much to ask?

To cleanse myself of thoughts of that horrid, horrid little man and his horrid, horrid little show, here is a video of my friend Jen singing at a coffee shop. Jen is amazing. In addition to brewing beer and birthing babies (she was my doula) she writes and sings her own music. She's probably pretty handy with a skill saw too.