Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt ... except for the parts that really, really did

There came a time during my hospital stay stay where the nurses started telling me they hoped they would be the one to be there when Baby A was born. I hoped it was because they liked me and not because they all wanted the chance to see me in pain. My favorite nurse told me she was going to try to switch shifts so that she could be there when I was induced.

When I first got to the hospital after my water broke the doctors who would see me on their daily rounds would throw statistics at me about how likely I was to go into labor. My odds of making it to the 34 weeks goal were only about 5%. Then the odds changed. We were doing so well.  "You're going to make it!" they told me. "You're going to get to 34 weeks!"

I looked at each day as a victory. Every 24 hours I could get through without going into labor was a victory. I hated bedrest and I hated being away from home but I was so thankful that I was doing well and giving Baby A more time to grow. I never had contractions or any labor signs and at 30 weeks I really started to think that yeah, I could make it to 34 weeks.

A few days short of 31 weeks I had a day where I was cranky. Really, really cranky. I didn't want to be in bed but I didn't want any of the distractions that the nurses offered me. No, I didn't want a wheelchair ride or an extra shower and no, I didn't want someone to make a trip to the kitchen for a huge bowl of mashes potatoes or a plate of chocolate chip cookies and no I didn't want a visit from the occupational therapist or the physical therapist and if a priest came to my room I would probably cry. I should have known then that trouble was brewing.

The next day I did my best to put on a happy face. Literally. I smiled at everyone and did my best to act happy. It started to work. I could to this! 34 weeks! Go team!

Late that night I got up to go to the bathroom. I felt fine. No pain, no unusual sensations. When you're in the hospital with a pPROM you get in the habit of checking your pads and toilet paper when you go to the bathroom. Gross, I know, but it's true. This time I checked the pad and was pleased to see that it was clear. Then I checked the toilet paper. Red. Bright red.

I just sat and stared for a minute. Then I wiped again. More red. A lot more red. I didn't feel anything at all. I calmly washed my hands and walked back to my bed. I called my husband and said "Get to the hospital. I'm bleeding and I don't know what that means so get here quickly. I'll call you if things change". I got off the phone and pressed my call light. I waited for the familiar voice to come over the intercom. "Can I help you?"

"I need my nurse please."

"I will let her know. Is there anything you need her to bring you?"

And the dam broke. "I'm bleeding! I need her to come right now! Please!"

I think it only took about 30 seconds for my nurse to get to my room but it felt like an hour. Should I stay sitting? Lay down? Stand on my head? Should I try to call my IPs or my agency? I couldn't make a decision because it took all my concentration not to pass out. When the nurse got into the room I told her what happened and directed her to look at the unflushed toilet. She came out of the bathroom on her phone calling for the doctor.

Within minutes there was a crowd in my room. My favorite nurse had heard what was happening and even though I wasn't her patient that night she came in and held my hand. The on call doctor came in to examine me. Someone rolled in an ultrasound machine. Someone else took my temp and slapped a blood pressure cuff on me. Off to the side someone was setting up a tray with various medical instruments on it. Someone else brought in a huge spotlight to shine right on my crotch. A nurse I was not fond of turned the blood pressure machine and when my bp was through the roof she barked at me "Your blood pressure is really high! You need to relax!" She started the machine again and my favorite nurse reached over to turn it off. (I will love her forever for that act of compassion.)

There was an ultrasound done and we could see Baby A looking happy and healthy as could be. Her heart rate was normal and we could see her sucking her thumb. The doctor decided she needed to do an internal exam with a speculum. The giant spotlight was turned on me and the exam started. I know the doctor was being as gentle as she could be but the exam was intensely painful. There was a nurse on either side of my holding my hands and rubbing my legs and I was suddenly so thankful for the good relationships that I had cultivated with these kind and caring women.

In the end the exam didn't yield any new information. The doctor was unable to determine where the bleeding was coming from. As soon as she told me that I knew that my hopes for a VBAC were being thrown right out the window. I will never forget when the doctor looked at me and gently said "I think we need to do a c-section. How do you feel about that?" It only took her two seconds to ask me that but it meant the world to me. For a minute I didn't feel so out of control, I felt like a person who had an opinion that mattered and that I had an active role in my care. (My regular ob could learn a lot from that doctor.)

Of course I knew a c-section was the only option at that point. She barely even had the question all the way out before I said "Yes! Now? We're doing it right now right? Can we go right now?"

We had to wait a bit since the operating room on that floor was already being used for another c-section. As we waited I called everyone I needed to and listened to the baby's heartbeat on the monitor. She got hiccups and that made me smile. I tried to enjoy the last few minutes of the pregnancy. Jesse arrived. I lectured him and reminded him that he was not allowed to pass out during the c-section and that he wasn't allowed to look at anything that would make him woozy.

During this conversation we stopped hearing the baby's heartbeat on the monitor. I wasn't overly worried at first. I had felt her moving around and I figured she had just moved into a spot where the monitor wasn't picking her up. One of the nurses started trying to find the heartbeat again but she couldn't. The room got very quiet as everyone strained to hear the heartbeat. Everyone started to look very tense as we searched and searched for the heartbeat. I heard one of the nurses whisper to the doctor that the operating room was still being used but that the the one the next floor up was open and should they move me now? I don't know how long we looked for that heartbeat but it felt like an eternity. I started to cry. I was so scared that we had made it this far only to have lost her right at the end.

And then .. thump thump thump thump. They had been able to pick up the baby's heartbeat with the monitor practically up on my chest. We would later learn that the baby (who had been low and head down my entire hospitalization) had flipped breach and backed up under my ribs.

At last it was time to go the OR. Jesse stayed behind and got put on scrubs while I was wheeled into the OR. They helped me move from my bed onto the surgical table. I got a good look at my hospital bed as it was wheeled out of the room and the sheets were covered with blood. I hadn't realized until that point how much I was bleeding. I might have yelped a little bit.

As I was getting the spinal block and being prepped for surgery I started to panic a little bit. I kept asking for Jesse to be brought in. Everyone kept reassuring me he would be there before the baby came out but I didn't care about that. I needed him with me to keep me from totally losing it. The surgery had already started before someone at last brought Jesse in. I unleashed on him. "I can't believe this is happening. Why did I do this again? Why am I so selfish? I shouldn't have taken a risk like this. What if I die and leave the kids without a mother? I can't believe this is happening."  (By the way, once I vented all these thoughts they went away and don't feel this way any longer.)

Jesse reassured me and I started focusing on trying not to vomit. I had eaten dinner not that long before and I could feel it trying to work it's way up my throat. I got several doses of medication in my IV to keep the nausea at bay but each one only worked for a few minutes.

At some point I noticed an unusual feeling. I had a c-section with the twins but with that one no one had leaned all their body weight onto me. I asked if someone was leaning on me and from the other side of the curtain someone answered yes and that I might feel a little pressure. A little pressure in that I felt like a bus was driving over my abdomen. I also started to feel like I was being yanked around the table. My whole body was shaking back and forth as I was worked on. I felt like I was on a roller coaster.

All of the sudden the OR erupted with with activity and noise.  The baby was out. She was taken to the warmer and a small team started checking her out and working on her. I could only catch little glimpses of her as the people moved around. A little arm waving in the air, the profile of a tiny face covered by an oxygen mask. I could hear her cry though. It was a high, thin cry that sounded more like a mew but she was crying. She was only 30 weeks, 5 days but she could cry and wave her arms and kick her legs.

I didn't get to see her up close at all because she was hurried out of the OR and down to the NICU. I told Jesse to go with her so that she would hear a familiar voice. I started to cry as I told him "Tell them her name. Make sure they know her name." The fact is I didn't know for sure what her parents were going to name her but I knew the name that they had been considering and I wanted her called that. I thought she deserved that.

After they all left the ER I started to feel a strange combination of emotions. Happy, sad, lonely, proud, scared, relieved, hungry. I expressed all these emotions by vomiting all over myself. As a nurse cleaned me up she asked "Chicken noodle soup?" I shook my head and felt some vomit pool in my ear. "Baked ziti with a side of mixed veggies." Then I threw up five more times.

It seemed to take forever to sew me up. I started to drift off. I don't even remember how I got into the recovery room. When I was wheeled in Jesse was there waiting from me to give me an update on the baby. She was doing well but needed a little help from a cpap machine to help her breath. I called everyone to update them on the situation including a rather awkward call to my international IPs. "Hi, this is Jen. I don't know if you got my last message but um... your baby is, um, born. So... call me back!"

While I was in the recovery room I chatted with one of the nurses who had been in the OR. She said "I've seen a lot of c-sections and that one was brutal. They really had to lean on you and push and pull to get her out. You're going to have a tough recovery." She wasn't lying. At the hospital I deliver in they don't let you go to the NICU until you're able to get into a wheelchair under your own power so you have to wait for your spinal block to wear off. Of course after that you're in pain so it's not exactly fun. I got up as soon as I was able to so that I could get to the NICU to see the baby.

She was so little, only 3 pounds, 9 ounces. Her arms and legs were long though as were her fingers and toes. Her body was covered in soft black hair and her skin looked loose on her body. After asking if I could touch her I put my hand on her back. "Hey monkey" I whispered to her.

It's a nickname that has stuck with her. She's lost all that body hair and she's plumped up a lot. At 38 days old she's nearly six and a half pounds. Her cheeks are pink and round and she has a dimple in right one. She has a loud cry when she is hungry or just wants some attention. She smiles all the time (I don't care that it's just gas.) She has black hair and eyes and sweet little cupid bows lips.  She's still in the NICU because she's a lazy eater who prefers sleeping to the hard work of sucking on a bottle but she's making progress.

Her parents cried the first time they saw her. They did in fact give her the name I had asked the nurses to call her when she was born.

I visit her almost every day. Her parents are not always able to be here (it's a long and complicated story that I'm not able to share) so I step in for snuggle duty when they're gone. I bring her the breastmilk that I'm pumping and then I hold her for hours at a time. A few people have expressed concern that this will make it hard for me to separate from her but I'm not worried about that. I look forward to the day she goes home because that's what's supposed to happen. In the meantime I'm just enjoying giving her a little extra love. Our time together ended way too soon so now I'm making it up to her by giving her the extra attention she needs. It's been a unique experience that I didn't get with any of my other surrobabes and I'm taking advantage of it.

Baby A beat all the odds to make it here. She started out as a triplet pregnancy that went to twins and then just to her. We were told she would probably not survive after the other two stopped growing. She hung in there and surprised us all. When my water broke at a day short of 28 weeks she surprised us all again by staying put till almost 31 weeks. The bleeding I had was caused by a cord problem totally unrelated to the rupture of membranes. If I had not been in the hospital already when it happened there's a good chance she would not have survived.

I'm not a big believer in fate but I do think that this baby wanted to be here. I think there must be something very special in store for her.

I am so incredibly lucky that I got to be there are the start of it all.

California here I come!

So here's the situation - I am going to deliver this baby in California. That's my big news.

This was something that has been talked about since before I got pregnant but nothing was for sure and in fact I was kind of assured it probably wouldn't happen.  But, as this whole pregnancy has shown anything that can happen will. There are a lot of reasons we're going this direction. Some of them make sense to me and are good reasons.  Some of them are ... maybe not as valid (in my eyes) but whatever. (For the record, I would like everyone to know that it is possible to have a baby in Minnesota and NOT have it be delivered by a toothless, grizzled veterinarian named Goober. We don't all live in the middle of a giant farm.)

This is kind of an unusual situation but I think it's going to work out ok.  I have to go to California around 34 weeks and stay until the baby is born.  The kids will be with me for all but the first part of it because they have other fabulous vacation plans this summer.  I'm due August 14th so they won't have to miss any school and they'll get to spend part of their summer running around California having a grand old time.  My parents are going to switch back and forth spending time with us in California so they can help keep an eye on the kids and keep them entertained.  Jesse will be able to come visit too although not as much as we would maybe like because of his work schedule.  My IPs are putting us up in a furnished apartment and really taking care of everything we'll need to be comfortable.

It's going to be strange to be away from home for that long but I'm also kind of looking forward to it. When else am I going to be able to give the kids a month long vacation? And with my parents there I won't have to worry about a thing as far as the kids are concerned.

A side benefit is that I get to tell my ob here that he won't be delivering the baby. I was more than a little irritated at the way he did things with my last pregnancy and I wasn't too happy with how he was acting this pregnancy but I was stuck with him for various reasons.  But now I'm not!  So ha! Petty annoyances, the best reason to travel across the country to give birth.

Oh, and I'm really hoping that after baby is born someone will say "Jennifer, you just gave birth to your fourth surro-baby! What are you going to do next?" and I can say "I'm going to Disneyland!" although I really won't because I can't think of anything less fun than walking around Disneyland in August right after giving birth.  But it would still be fun to say.

What the hell is happening on PBS Kids?

I've been thinking a lot about what will happen when this baby is born.  Now that there's just one now I figure I have a pretty good shot at a VBAC.  That makes me pretty darn happy.  Since this will probably be my last birth* I want to try and make it as good as I can.

I'm thinking I want the kind of birth I had with Little A.  (Not to be confused with Baby A.  Or A, one of my IFs from last time or A, my IM from this time.  I wish people had considered using other letters of the alphabet when naming all these people.)  The parents were there, Jesse was there, my doula/best friend was there.  I felt so happy and supported and when I did the whole thing without an epidural I felt like Super Woman.  I would like all that again. And maybe with one more little addition.

I think I would like Elle to be at the birth too.  Joseph is out of the question.  He could never handle seeing me in pain and he hates the sound of babies crying.  But Elle is different.  She loves the surrogacy process.  She goes to ultrasounds and lab appointments with me.  She watches when I gets shots and puts a band aid on me after each of them. She likes to lay her head on my tummy and talk to the baby.  I think she would really like to see the whole thing all the way through.

I asked her today if she thought she would like to be there when the baby is born.  The answer was a very enthusiastic "YES!"  Of course I explained that nothing was for sure and we would have to see how things went but that if she was interested we could talk about it more.  Then I told her that she would need to know that sometimes when the baby comes out it hurts the woman but that the woman is ok and will feel better after the baby comes out.  Elle rolled her eyes and said "I know that! I saw a show on PBS Kids and there was a woman having a baby and she said it really hurt."

So apparently she's all ready to be there at the birth.  PBS Kids has taught her well.  Or something.

*Probably.  Maybe.  Perhaps.  I don't know.  I really do love doing what I do.  This pregnancy has not been easy or smooth but damn, I love having babies.

Please pardon the brain stain on my pillow

Bed rest is turning my brain to mush.

When the doctor first said "Bed rest!" I thought "Ok, cool! I'll get to take it easy and have lots of naps. In between that I'll watch lots of documentaries and read lots of books and write all those witty blog posts I've been composing in my head."

That all lasted about 24 hours. By day two I had settled into a routine of watching true crime shows, Golden Girls reruns and birth shows on Discovery Health.

True, I'm very rested but every night I feel a little more of my brain leaking out onto my pillow. If this doesn't end soon I'm going to end up like ... I don't know, Rose Nylen.

Luckily there is an end in sight!

The original plan was to do a c-section (since this girl is stubbornly head-up) on March 30th, at 38 weeks. Based on a scheduling conflict and the fact that the babies are attempting to rearrange my skeleton from the inside we've decided to move the c-section up to March 23, at 37 weeks.

I can't say I'm exactly thrilled at the prospect of a c-section I do look forward to the day that I can breath without feeling like I have a boulder on my chest or walk without feeling like I have a boulder between my knees or think without feeling like I have a boulder between my ears.

There's a lot about pregnancy that I really enjoy and carrying twins has been an adventure that in some ways I'll be sad to see end. But yeah, I'm about ready to be done. I'm excited to get my body and my brain back. I will miss all the Golden Girls reruns though.

One year ago Joseph knew me really well.
Two years ago today everyone misunderstood me.
Three years ago today I looked on the bright side.

My new godson

The plan was simple. My friend Amanda was going to go into the hospital on Friday night to be prepped to be induced on Saturday morning. I would go to the hospital on Saturday morning to be her labor support (along with her husband (and my cousin) Matt).

Of course babies aren't so good with the whole "plan following" skill so I wasn't too terribly surprised when I got a text on Friday night that said "My water just broke!"

I got to the hospital as quickly as I could and by the time I got there Amanda was already pretty uncomfortable. Her contractions were coming pretty much one on top of the other. In spite of this she said that her plan we still to go epidural free.

Around midnight a nurse checked Amanda and said she was at 4 centimeters. Matt and I helped her get onto the birthing ball and she spent the next two hours there, gently rolling from side to side. Matt and I traded off positions, rubbing her back and holding her hand.

The next few hours are sort of a blur. All I know is that all those contractions coming so quickly certainly did their job. Less than six hours after her water broke Amanda told us she felt ready to push.

I was amazed. This was her first baby and not only was she in touch with her body enough to know when the big moment had arrived, she had also gotten to that point without an epidural. Other than a little moaning (and one tiny little "Fuck!") she was astoundingly composed and calm.

Amanda only pushed for a little over an hour. With each push I could see how much progress she was making. Even the nurse was impressed with how well she did. Sometimes she would have a break of up to five minutes between contractions and during those breaks she would rest. I don't think there has ever been a woman who was more serene than Amanda was during delivery.

When the baby was born his cord was around his neck but otherwise he was perfect. He cried loudly right away and was a beautiful shade of pink. I got to cut the cord (my hands were shaking so much that I was certain I was going to cut the doctor's finger off) and then took about a million pictures.

I felt like I was on a high after seeing that birth. It was so beautiful and everything went so smoothly. It was a huge privilege just to be a part of it. After Amanda and her new son were resting comfortably I headed home. Even though I didn't gotten any sleep during the night I wasn't able to rest. It's hard to fall asleep when you have a giant grin on your face.

Today Amanda and my gorgeous new godson* will come home from the hospital. I'm so happy for them and for Matt. I'm excited to see them start their new life as a family together.

I'm still walking on air over being able to be there when it all began.

*They asked me to be his godmother and I answered with the traditional response of "Ohmygodshutupyou'remakingmecry!" I blame the hormones surging through the room.

Two years ago today I had a killer headache.

It's all good

I was not exepcting to be sitting down and writing out a birth story this soon (I thought I would still be pregnant at this point!) but little A is here and I could not be happier about it. I don't have any pictures to post because I want to respect my IFs privacy but trust me, he is a beautiful boy.

I had to be at the hospital at 5 AM to get the induction going. I got about 2 hours of sleep the night before because I was just a bundle of nerves. Unfortunatly the hospital screwed up the order for my pitocin so they didn't even get hooked up until nearly 8. They hooked me up and I dozed off until around 9 when I was able to start feeling contractions. Jesse and I played cards until my doula (Jen) got there at about 10. Then the three of us played cards for the next half hour or so before my contractions suddenly got a lot more intense.

My doc checked me and decided to go ahead and break my water at that point. Contractions really got a lot stronger then and all of the sudden I couldn't keep still. I would sit on the birthing ball for a minute then I wanted to walk around then I wanted to lean over the bed then I wanted to go back on the ball. My IFs got there just as the nurse was telling me either I had to sit still or they were going to have to put internal monitors on me because they kept losing track of the baby with the external monitor. Also, for some reason the monitor wasn't picking up my contractions even though I was having them big time.

I agreed to the internal monitor and it's a good thing I did. As soon as we got it hooked up we saw that the baby's heartbeat was dropping with each contraction. They turned off the pit thinking that he might not be tolerating it and that might be what was causing the deceleration. Almost right away my contractions were half as painful as they had been on the pit. It was heavenly. Jen had me change positions a few times thinking that maybe the baby's umbilicl cord was getting pinched and that's what was causing the drop in heartrate. She was right because all of the sudden his heartbeat was steady and fine. The bad news was that the pit got turned back on because my contractions were becoming more erratic. As soon as the pit was back on the contractions went back up in intensity.

The next few hours were kind of a blur. I labored in the tub for a bit but I didn't really like that. I spent a lot of time leaning over the bed while my amazing doula rubbed my back and my amazing husband held my hands and kept telling me over and over how proud he was of me. My IFs would pop in every so often to see how I was doing but I think it made them a little nervous to see me in so much pain. I was so glad that they were comfortable enough with letting me labor on my own without feeling the need to check in every three seconds. I think B is a good calming influence on J so it made a big difference that he was there.

Around 4 I finally caved in and asked for some IV pain meds. I'm so glad I did! I was having really, really intense, painful contractions every 3 minutes but I somehow managed to doze off in between them. I would kind of sleep for a couple of minutes then then a contraction would start and right away Jesse would jump up to hold my hand and Jen would rub my back. They did this for every single contraction I had for two hours. I don't think I would have made it through without them. I was so out of it that I kept wanting to tell them stuff but I couldn't really seem to make my mouth work. Several times I wanted to try to describe to them the funky dreams I was having but I couldn't make the words come out.

Remember that this is only my second birth and my first without an epidural so I really didn't know what to expect when it came time to push. All I know is that all of the sudden it went from "Is it ever going to be time to push this baby out?" to "Holy cow! It's time to push this baby out!". My IFs were called into the room and I started pushing. I mostly kept my eyes closed but at one point I looked around and was amazed at how many people were in the room. Me, Jen, Jesse, my doctor, a nurse, a student nurse, my IFs, a baby nurse, a student baby nurse, a student paramedic (maybe two even) and a guy with a mop. Ok, maybe not the guy with a mop but the rest of them were in there.

I pushed for about 20 minutes and holy crap, they are not kidding when they refer to it as "The ring of fire" are they? I was not aware of it at the time but the baby's heartbeat really dropped at the end and the doctor ended up giving me an episeotomy (something I had hoped to avoid) to get the baby out quicker. Little A came out with his cord wrapped around his neck but as soon as it was undone he was ok. The doctor tried to lay him on my tummy but I said no, to give him to his dads. A weighed in at 7 pounds 6 ounces and was 19 inches long.

The doctor started stitching me up and I was watching over his shoulder as my IFs held their new little boy. Jesse was holding my left hand and Jen was holding my right and I just sank back in bed and said "Oh, it's all good". (I'm getting weepy typing this out.) I was so happy to see my IFs with their son, I was so happy to be done with the labor, I was so proud of myself for doing it without the epi, I felt so much love and support from Jesse and Jen. I know it sounds cheesy but at that moment everything was just so good and so wonderful and so right.

The rest of my hospital stay was nice. It was nice to rest and get real sleep at night. I got tons and tons of cuddle time with A. We tried nursing but didn't have much success. J, being his typical nervous self, was worried that he wasn't getting enough to eat so he pretty much stuffed him full of formula around the clock. He would bring him to me to nurse with formula still still on his face. That was a little bit of a let down but it was still nice to hold him and be close to him. He's a really cute baby, looks a lot like his daddy. When it was time to say goodbye I really wasn't sad at all. I was suprised at how "ok" I really was. I was mostly just looking forward to getting back home with my own babies.

I'm so happy with how everything went. I admit I had pretty big expectations but everything really went even better than I could have hoped for. Now I'm just concetrating on resting and recovering (because I really did forget how sore you are after giving birth) and pumping (I'm up to about 5 ounces a session). Jesse has off from work until Monday so I really get to take it easy for a couple more days.

Hormones are making me weepy but I don't want to cry in front of anyone because I don't want anyone to think I'm sad. I'm not sad, I just find myself crying for no reason several times a day. It only lasts a minute or two and then I feel better but I'll be glad once my hormones kind of come back under control. I worry that people are going to think the wrong thing.

Anyway, I suppose this had been long enough. I need to go take a bath. Doctors orders.

Update from Jen

(This is Jesse - Jen asked me to update)

Baby A is here. Born at 6:17pm yesterday. He weighs 7 lbs 6 oz and is 19 in. long. Jen and Baby A are both doing well. We are all proud of Jen - she did it WITHOUT an Epidural!!! She discovered an inner strength she did not know she had.

Jen is feeling good but tired. She is planning on being home on Thursday.

She appreciates everyone's support - this has been a wonderful experience.

She'll update more when she gets back home.

Let's birth us a baby!

So a funny thing happened at the doctors office today. My doctor was checking my cervix and it felt like he was in there up to his elbows. He smiled and me and said "Are you doing anything tomorrow?" For a second I thought that he was so impressed with the condition of my cervix that he was asking me out. Because some guys are really into that. Turns out he was asking if I was available to be induced.

I'm having a baby tomorrow.

Today was my 38 week check up and for the 4th week in a row my blood pressure was a little high. Not dangerously high or high enough to make my doc think I have pre-eclampsia or anything but s little high. That combined with the facts that I've got a good start on dialating and I'm having tons of contractions made the doctor decide to just go ahead and induce me tomrrow.

Eek!

I have to go in at 5 in the morning tomorrow. The doctor said to expect a good 8-10 hours on the pitocin and then he'll break my water. It'll probably be a bit of a long haul tomorrow but I'm ok with that. Jesse will be there and my wonderful doula will be there and even though I'm a little bit nervous I'm feeling really, really good about this.

J is nervous as can be. I was talking to one of the nurses as I was getting ready to leave the clinc and she asked if he (J) was excited and I said I think that he's too nervous to be excited. I'm hopeful that once he talks to B he'll calm down and for once in this entire pregnancy, enjoy part of the whole process.

So, I'll have Jesse update once this bugger is born. If you've got a second tomorrow, think a good thought for me. I'm gonna have a baby! Ack!

Let's try this again shall we?

All right, last week sucked. Let's keep our fingers crossed that this week is somewhat better. We're already off to a rip roarin' start with Joseph staying home from school sick but I still have faith that it will get better.

My birth plan meeting was on Saturday. It went pretty well. B and J didn't have any really unreasonable requests and they mostly seemed pretty ok with the way I wanted things done. One thing I talked about that I could tell really bothered J was when I said I didn't want constant monitoring. Anyone who has ever given birth in a hospital knows about those stupid monitors they make you wear. They're itchy and uncomfortable and they keep you somewhat restricted in your movement. When I was in labor with Elle I hated them so much that I wanted to rip them off. What I didn't know at the time was that if all is well and the baby is tolerating labor well there's really no reason to keep them on non-stop. The good news is that when I discussed this with the birth plan manager she said it was no problem at all to have intermittent monitoring and that it was done all the time. The bad news is that I could tell J really, really didn't like the idea. He didn't say anything at the time but I guarantee that the second he got home he was on the Internet researching horror stories of people who didn't have constant monitoring and ended up having horrible, traumatic births. I will be shocked if he doesn't bring it up again within the week. Actually, knowing how terrified he is that I will go into labor before 40 weeks (he's very freaked out by the fact that Elle was born at 39 weeks) I will be shocked if he doesn't ask me to start wearing monitors now.

But whatever. It's a minor detail and hopefully B, since he's a doctor, will be able to calm J down about the whole thing. And if not ..... well, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it I guess.

One more step in the process

I've scheduled my time to go to the hospital and meet with a "care manager" to discuss my birth plan. It shouldn't be too complicated, I know pretty well what I do and do not want. What I think might throw a wrench in the whole thing is that J is going to be there.

I can picture it now. I'll be there laying out exactly what I want ("No pitocin, no episiotomy, no monitoring device that keeps me strapped to the bed, no automatic IV") and J will be in the corner quietly freaking out. Once I finish talking he'll pull out some notes he made after doing research on birth online (at sites like totallyuntruefacts.com and worrywartparents.org) and start stressing out about some off the wall statistic he found that said 7% of the 12% of women who don't get at least 67% of the recommended blah blah blah blah and shouldn't I reconsider?

The good news is that I feel pretty comfortable putting my foot down and saying that while this may be his baby this is my birth and I am the one that has to be comfortable with how it goes down. I won't be pressured into doing something that I'm not totally comfortable with.

The big change between this birth and when I had Elle is that I'm going to try to go without an epidural. I know that might be crazy and I might change my mind halfway into it but I'm going to try. With Elle I was so scared of the pain that I would have gotten an epidural at 24 weeks pregnant if I could have. I don't regret getting the epidural but I do wonder how I would have done without one.

The other big change is that I'm going to refuse any artificial methods to move my labor along. With Elle I had pitocin (I really wasn't even asked, it was just given to me and I was informed after the fact) and I had my water broken. None of that this time if I can avoid it at all. I feel like I'm a lot more knowledgeable about the natural process of labor this time around and I think that it might be better to let my body do what it needs to on it's own than to force it.

So I can see how my go-with-the-flow and trust-the-process way of approaching this birth might stress out Mr MedicalInterventionForNorReason. Remember, this is the guy who wanted me to get an amnio just for the pure joy of it. Maybe I'll lessen the shock of it all by letting him in on my plans little by little now. That way when the meeting comes on January 12th I won't totally blow him out of the water.

Who am I kidding? He's gonna freak no matter what.

I doula, you doula, we doula

I haven't posted about this very much but I have been trying for a while now to find a doula to attend the baby's birth. I've had zero luck for a long time. There aren't a whole lot of doulas in my area and the ones I've been able to track down have all turned me down. Several have refused because I am working with a gay couple. A few have refused because I'm not willing to commit 100% to a medication free birth. I was pretty sure that I had exhausted every avenue availible to me but then something really great happened.

On the day I was supposed to have my 24 week ob check up I got a call from my doctors office telling me that my doctor was way overbooked for the day and asking if I would mind seeing a certified nurse midwife instead. I agreed and I'm so glad that I did.

The nurse midwife was awesome. You know how sometimes you meet someone and you just click right away? It was like that with her. We talked about everything pregnancy and birth related and in the course of the conversation I told her about my difficulity in finding a doula and she told me that she had been a doula before she became a midwife. Before I left the office she gave me a list of a couple of places where I might be able to track a doula down. I was glad for the suggestion but as I was leaving I thought "She's the one I really want as a doula!"

I thought about it for a few days and decided to just go ahead and call her at the office and ask her to be my doula. She called me back yesterday and said "I'm so glad you called! When you left the other day I was thinking 'I would love to be at that birth!'"

Hooray! I found my doula! After searching all over Minnesota I finailly found her in my own doctor's office. I'm so happy! (Can you tell?) I feel like this is such a big weight off of my shoulders. The next big step will be at 28 weeks when I go to the hospital to meet with someone to discuss my birth plan. Hope they don't mind me bringing a whole crowd of people along!

Six glorious hours

Jesse took the kids to his dad's house for a visit yesterday. I had the house to myself for six glorious hours. I don't remember the last time I was by myself for that long. It was wonderful. It was strange being away from Elle like that though. It's probably a good thing since she needs to learn to be away from me once in a while.

Jesse filled his dad and his wife (um, his dad's wife, not Jesse's) about the surrogacy. That went ..... not well. I guess it went about like I expected it to. It probably didn't help that Joseph was "helping" by telling them that I was doing it so that we could go on a cruise. Well, not everyone is going to be supportive and what really matters is how Jesse and I feel about it. We're the only one's who can really judge if we can do something like this and feel very confident that we can.

Some good news about Joseph! His behavioral therapist is now backing off her RAD theory. She really starting to think he has AS also. Hooray! Yet another person to tell me that my son is neuro-atypical! It's the best day ever. Ok, so I'm being a little sarcastic. I am glad though that she is more on the same page as us now.

As I type this there is a show on in the backgroud about "amazing" births. The story on right now is about a woman who wanted to give birth to her third child in the ocean. Yeah, I can't see how that would be dangerous or stupid at all. They actually found a midwife to help them find a good tidepool to birth in. Seriously? A fricken tidepool?

Has anyone in this family ever even seen a chicken?

Joseph has never watched Arrested Development but he can do an impression of Gob acting like a chicken that just kills me. One day he was in another room talking to Jesse and I heard him (Joseph) say "What are you? A chicken? Cah-cah-chaw! Cah-cah-chaw!" He's now refined his impression and it includes arm waving, hand clapping and leg kicking.

Here's the kicker though. Elle has seen him do it so many times that now she does it too. She hears him do it and then, in her chirpy little voice she joins in with "cah-cah-caaaahhhhh!" We're also teaching her to say "Annyong". She's pretty close. The kid only just yesterday learned to say "nigh-nigh" but she can already to two running gags from AD.

In other kid news, the little boy who called Joseph a baby now knows how it feels to be called a name. Last week at school he bumped Joseph as he was taking off his jacket and Joseph called him the meanest name he could think of. Fortunatly the meanest thing he could think of was "ballerina". The teacher pulled them both aside and they all had a talk about how it feels to be called a name and how they can better handle problems. Joseph said they both learned a lesson and it seems to have taken care of the problem. If it comes back up again I'm going to have to teach him some better insults though.

If you have a few prayers or good thoughts just laying around feel free to send them IDAT's way. She just gave birth to her first child, a GIANT baby boy and they're both in need of a little healing power right now. She's one tough mother-trucker though so I know both she and baby Jackson are going to be ok but a few extra good wishes thrown her way couldn't hurt.

The straight poop

Early on in my blog I talked about how my biggest fear about giving birth was that I would poop on the table. Ok, so here's the thing about all that. I can honestly say that after about 3 times pushing I stopped caring if I pooped or not. By the way, if you are one of the few people in the world who knows if I did or not, please never, ever, ever tell me. To be perfectly crass, I didn't care if poop or diamonds came out of me as long as it would hurry things along.

Anyway, the important thing here is that I learned a really valuable lesson in all this. The fear I had of pooping while giving birth would end up being nothing ...... compared to the fear I would develope of pooping after giving birth.

Little Miss Elle

Ok, we're home, we've been home for a few days now. Our little girl is here and she is perfect. She weighed 8 pounds and 8 ounces when she was born (thank goodness she came a week early!) and she was 20 inches long. She was born at exactly 11:30 PM. Her eyes are dark blue and her hair is brown. She had to spend her first night and day in the NICU because she was having some problems breathing but that's all ok now.

After Elle got out of the NICU we spent the next night and day just snuggling and working on getting her to nurse. She had some problems with that, she didn't want to latch on. We tried feeding her from a syringe and even from this special little cup. After about 5 days of that I figured I was going to spend the next year pumping and then syringe feeding her all her meals. Then, out of no where she just started doing it. Now she's a pro! She really is perfect after all.

Joseph has been doing pretty well adjusting to having Elle here. He acts up sometimes and earlier today I had to scold him for trying to use her as a foot rest but mostly he seems to be doing ok. He wants to kiss her and hold her all the time. That can be a bit much when I'm trying to change her or feed her but how can I get upset with him for being a good big brother?

All in all we're all doing pretty well. I'm tired and in need of a shower but I'm also very happy to have my little girl (I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!) home with me.

Things are happening

I was supposed to go in at 7 this morning to be induced but they called us at 6 and said they were really busy and they needed to push us back a little bit. We're supposed to call in a little bit and see when we can come in. There's a chance we won't be able to come in at all but I don't think that will happen. One way or another I am going to that hospital.

All night long I had painful contractions that were about 10 minutes apart and now they're about 5 minutes apart. They've been that way since about 6 I guess. We may not need to induce after all.

Updates to follow sooner or later.

My birth plan

I'm going to the hospital in about 15 minutes to meet with a labor/delivery nurse to get a tour of the birthing facilities and write out a birth plan. My birth plan will mostly include things like "give me lots of pain killers" and "I don't want to feel a lot of pain" and "try to get some of that slimy stuff off the baby before you put it on me".

I seriously thought I was in labor last night. I was having contractions and back pain from hell. It went on for several hours and nothing helped. The contractions slowed down and the back pain went away (kind of) overnight but I'm still feeling .... I don't know, weird I guess.

Joseph update! He called me this afternoon to tell me about the rides he had been on and to ask if I had gotten any new Scooby Doo books. My mom got on the phone and said this morning Joseph got very homesick and asked "Why did you have to take me on this vacation? Why couldn't you have brought Mommy with?" Ok, it's not like I want him to be homesick but I am a little bit relieved that he hasn't forgotten about me. I thought for sure he would be having so much fun with Grandma and Grandpa that he wouldn't ever want to come home and see me again. I guess he was so sad this morning that the only thing Mom and Dad could do to cheer him up was to promise to take him off Disney property and buy him some Scooby Doo books. Crazy kid.

Possible

These days 1 in 4 births are done by c-section. That's kind of a lot. To be honest I haven't really thought much about that being a possibility for me because it kind of freaks me the frigg out. I decided though that I should be informed about all the possible outcomes of the baby's birth so I forced myself to do some reading on c-sections today. I am now feeling informed but no less freaked out about the idea. I know it's a pretty standard procedure and probably not such a huge deal but man, it's still scary to me.

Oh well, nothing I need to worry about now I guess, it's just something I've been thinking about.