Saturday, March 15, 2008

I said what now?

What I said to Jesse: Go to Best Buy and get that camera we talked about.
What Jesse heard: Fall asleep on the floor for a while. When you wake up ask me if I want you to go and buy that camera since you weren't sure what we decided to do.

What I said to the kids: Please be extra quiet for a minute. I have to make an important phone call.
What they heard: For the next ten minutes try to be louder than a space shuttle lifting off. Elle, go and get your karaoke radio and squeal into the microphone. Joseph, start screaming because you just realized that you forgot to do your speech therapy exercises eight days ago.

What I said to the person taking my order: I want that without tomatoes please.
What they heard: Please put extra tomatoes on that. Make sure they're the juiciest tomatoes you have so that when you bring me my order and I pick all the tomatoes off (because I'm afraid that you'll spit in it if I send it back) there's still tons of tomato juice and seeds all over my food.

What I said to Jesse: Can you try to be home on time tonight?
What he heard: Don't bother to pay any attention to the time while you're at work today. Don't even worry about coming home until I call you an hour after you're supposed to be here and I call you because I'm wondering where you are. I'm really looking forward to letting dinner congeal on the table tonight.

What I said to Joseph: Time to turn off your Nintendo buddy-boy.
What he heard: I'm going to burn all your toys and make you sleep in the garage from now on. You're also not allowed to eat anything other than brussel sprouts for the next year. Every night before you go to bed this week I'm going to poke needles into your eyeballs. Please respond in an appropriate manner. Perhaps you could yell and flail around for 20 minutes.

What I said to the kids: I'm going to take a shower. I need you guys to play nicely in your rooms for five minutes.
What they heard: As soon as I step into the shower pick one stuffed animal out of your pile of 638 and start to fight over it. Scream frantically for me. When I come running to see what's wrong show me that you can bend your toy snake into an S shape. Continue to scream for me every 18 seconds. Scream at me to ask me why I'm yelling at you. When you get tired of screaming for me come into the bathroom and pull back both sides of the shower curtain so that you can peer at me and let water run all over the place. Ask me why my butt is so big.

What I said to J: I had a glass of wine last night.
What he heard: I'm drunk every time I pump and I'm storing the milk in crack vials. Be careful giving that milk to little A. To be on the safe side you might want to run a tox screen on every bag.

What I said to the Jehovah's Witnesses: No thank you.
What they heard: Yes! I would love your pamphlet! I'll probably wear our this copy in the next four days so be sure to send some of your friends around to give me another. Don't ever stop coming here. Ever.


Beany said...

god you're funny.

Sheyenne said...

Hi Jen,
I've been reading your blog for a week or so now- can't remember how I found it. When I saw that you were a surrogate that drew my attention, even thought I have nothing to do with that at all. Anyhoo- this post was so hilarious. When I got to the shower section I was laughing out loud and my husband had to ask me what I was laughing at from the next room. As a mom of 3 I can relate SO well. Great post! Thanks for a good laugh.

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nell said...

Truer words were never written! So funny - you're awesome.