Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Womb for rent - as a matter of fact

So, was I right? Yes and, much to my great surprise, no.

Saying goodbye to A was not hard. It never felt like I was giving anything up. It just felt right for him to be with his daddies. When the time came to say goodbye to him I was actually happy. When I kissed his little forehead and whispered "Goodbye little one." it was a kind of confirmation that I had done well and that everything was as it should be. The best part of my relationship with A was when I said goodbye to him. It's a little surreal but true.

It's been over a month now since A was born and I've never once felt like I missed him. I've never been sad that he's not here with me. I've never felt like I'm missing out on something by not having A with me. I do sometimes miss being pregnant and being pregnant as a surrogate but that's entirely separate from my feelings about A.

So I was right about not having a hard time with "giving up" A. What was I wrong about?

I was not prepared to love him. That took me totally by surprise. It's hard to describe the love I have for A because it's not comparable to the relationship I have with anyone else in the world. I've thought about this for a long time, trying to find the words to express how I feel about A but I haven't been able to put it together into anything that makes sense. I can only say that I love him like a surrochild. It's not a very good description but it is what it is.

Is it possible to love someone without being bonded to them? I guess it is. I went into this not knowing it was possible to separate the two. I figured if I didn't bond with him then I wouldn't love him. Maybe I over-estimated my ability to cut myself off emotionally. Maybe I under-estimated the capacity of my somewhat cynical heart.

Whatever it is, I'm happy to admit that I was wrong. Loving A was a surprise. A happy surprise. A surprise that makes me even more convinced that I want to do this again and again and again. And again.

1 comment:

Jodi said...

you deserve so much kudos and praise for what you did. I think it was the ultimate act of love.