If it comes out of my boobs it's mine forever

On Sunday Jesse and I went with the kids to go and visit with J and A. (B and Little B were home sick with the flu.) The main point of the visit was to drop off the 500 or so ounces of bresatmilk I had for little A. The other purpose of the visit was, of course, lots of cuddle time.

It was so neat to see A looking like a real baby and not just a squishy, raisiny newborn. he slept the entire time we were together but that didn't stop me from snuggling him and kissing him and soaking in as much of his new-babyishness as possible.

It's hard to describe how I feel about A. There's really nothing else I can compare it to. It feels so good to see him and to know that I helped to bring him here. It's a really awesome feeling and I really don't have the words to describe it. That's why I'm just now writing about this visit that happened on Sunday. I've been trying to find the right words to decribe the visit and I just can't.

J was thrilled with the milk and he thanked me many, many times. As I was giving him the run-down on how to store and thaw the milk J said something to the effect of still giving A formula at night so that he would sleep longer. I came thisclose to saying "No. Give him the breastmilk at night too."

I caught myself in time and didn't say it but the fact that it even occured to me to say it at all took my by suprise. I mean, A is not my child and it honestly would never occur to me to question the way J and B raise him. So why would I think it would be ok to tell J what to feed A?

After thinking about it for a while I figured it out. It's not about A and my feelings for him. It's about my feelings for that damned breastmilk. That stuff is hard won and I want it used to it's full potential. I put too much blood, sweat and tears into getting that milk for it to not be taken advantge of. It's not secret that I think breastmilk is superior to formula so I wonder why in the heck J would want to give A something not as good when he as access to the real deal.

Oh well. It's all good. It continues to be all good. I'm just happy that A is doing well and J and B are happy with their son. I can't complain about something as minor as what A eats at night. I did learn something about myself though. Apparently if it comes out of my vagina you're welcomed to have it. If it comes out of my boobs then I claim ownership of it forever.