Time to kick back and relax

It is done. I am all finished with pumping. I didn't go as long as I hoped to originally but it felt right to stop. It was starting to become a negative thing. J has expressed some nervousness about using the milk I already gave them and it was starting to affect me. Every time I would pump I would think "Are they even going to use this? Am I just wasting my time here?" I didn't want to start feeling bad or resentful about the whole thing so I decided to just go ahead and stop.

J has expressed to me several times how grateful he is for the milk (and I believe him) but at the same time I think he's not totally comfortable using it. One day he gave some to A and he thought it made him really sleepy so he called to ask me if there way anything in the milk that would have done that. Of course there wasn't and I tried to reassure him of that but I could tell that he was still not convinced. Not that I think he thinks there really was something wrong with the milk. I just think that he fears the unknown (or at least the uncertain) and he probably prefers to use formula because he knows what's in it and he knows that it's always the same. With breast milk he probably worries that I might have had something to eat or drink that would make A sleepy or gassy or something.

It's still a little bit of a letdown for me because I know that there are parents out there who are desperate to get breast milk for their babies but who just don't have the access to it. The choice that J is making is not the one that I would make for my own child. The beauty of it is though that A is not my child and in the end I really don't have to worry about it. I can feel good knowing that I pumped about 1000 ounces of breast milk for A and I got him off to the very best start that I could have.

I guess if I was really committed I could become a milk donor to someone else and try to finish out the two month commitment that I made to myself. I don't think I have it in me though. Pumping for A was (as corny as this will sound) sort of an act of love and if I'm done with that situation then I probably just need to be done altogether. I'm ok with that. It didn't go exactly the way I wanted it to but I can deal with that. Everything else about this has been so good that I don't want to cry over a little spilt milk. (Haha, I'm so funny!)

Yesterday I got my final comp check from my agency. This surrogacy is really and truly done. I have no doubt that I will continue to have a relationship with B and J and A (J told me the other day that I'm like a member of the family) but now it's time to look forward to the the next step. All the research I've done on various agencies has pretty much led me back to the agency I was already with. I suppose in some ways it's better to stick with the devil you know.

But for tonight I'm going to kick back, relax, have a few glasses of wine and try not to let my massively engorged boobs brush up against anything because son of a bitch, these puppies hurt.