Weight loss tips that really, really work

Here I am two weeks post-partum and this morning I was able to put on a pair of pre-pregnancy jeans. And zip them. Woot!

Then I immediately took them off and slipped into some maternity yoga pants because just because one can wear pre-pregnancy jeans doesn't mean one should. Especially if one wishes to breath.

I've lost all of the baby weight. I think this makes me a weight loss expert. I don't want to keep all of my knowledge to myself so I'm going to share some tips with you now. Seriously, all of this worked for me.

1. Instead of having one baby, have two! It's a lot easier to get a head start on losing the baby weight when you lose 12.5 pounds just by giving birth.

2. Have people bring you dinners and come to your house and make you breakfast. Make sure that as many of the meals as possible are cheese based. Homemade mac & cheese, tater tot casserole and pizza boats are all good options.

3. Try to get a lot of sleep. Nap all the time. If you're feeling up to it do something strenuous like take a shower and then nap again. For added weight loss success whine to everyone who will listen about how tired you are. Be thankful that you don't have to care for two babies on top of all the whining you're doing.

4. Pump breast milk. Do it even it if you hate it. Ignore the fact that you always smell slightly like baby spit up and that everything in your house somehow ends up splattered with milk. Do it. Don't give up just because you're embarrassed that you start to lactate every time you hear a small appliance motor turn on. Remind yourself that someday you want to fit into your underwear again and then keep at it.

5. Watch the Discovery Channel and Investigation Discovery every chance you get. Cry a little bit every time you see the preview for the new season of Deadliest Catch. You will lose so much water weight via the tears you shed over Captain Phil!

So there you have it. These are all scientifically proven tips based on ...
science ... and stuff. I'm totally going to patent them and start a weight loss center and make a million dollars that I will spend on chocolate.

One year ago today Joseph saved the planet.
One years ago today we went to the zoo.

Chums

I'm having fun looking back at the old pictures I discovered. And I'm deleting pretty much all of them that I'm in. Blech. Note to three months post-partum self - Would it kill you to put on a little powder? Also, BUY A BRUSH!

Oh, and don't worry about what my kids are up to while I'm doing all this picture stuff. For the last thirty minutes they've been playing happily with a piece of velvet. Yes, I'm raising village idiots. (Bonus points for anyone who gets that reference.)

Um, forget what I said

Forget what I said yesterday about not pumping anymore. On the advice of my commentors and an emailer and I doula/friend I am going to stop pumping gradually rather than go cold turkey. Of course that makes more sense, I just needed someone to point that out me.

For anyone who doesn't understand why J as acting this way about the whole thing, I have to say that I agree. I don't totally get it myself. I know that he likes the ideaof breast milk but I think the lack of an ingredient list is what makes him nervous. I've never in my whole life met someone so paranoid about toxins and contaminants. Let's not forget that this is the guy who didn't want me taking any pregnancy-approved, baby-safe stool softeners while I was pregnant. (I guess he prefered I just didn't poop for nine months.)

The thing is, I really like J. He's a nice guy. And now that A is here J and I have gotten a lot closer. Now that he doesn't have to be nervous about the whole pregnancy he and I have really become friends. There's no longer that tension that was caused by him always worrying that I might be doing something wrong and me always feeling like I wasn't being trusted. But now the breast milk has become something else for J to worry about and for me to feel bad about. So I still think it's time to stop. Just more slowly than I planned to.

B and I have always gotten along well but I've always had less contact with him than with J. Yesterday I got an email from B that had some pictures of A attachted*. The email was short. It just said "Thank you for giving life to A. We love him so much."

My heart jumped all over and remembered why I did all this and I decided it was all worth it.

*I've got a picture of A on my flickr account. You can check it out there but you have to be a contact of mine to see it. You can get to my flickr account by clicking on the pictures in the top of my sidebar.

Time to kick back and relax

It is done. I am all finished with pumping. I didn't go as long as I hoped to originally but it felt right to stop. It was starting to become a negative thing. J has expressed some nervousness about using the milk I already gave them and it was starting to affect me. Every time I would pump I would think "Are they even going to use this? Am I just wasting my time here?" I didn't want to start feeling bad or resentful about the whole thing so I decided to just go ahead and stop.

J has expressed to me several times how grateful he is for the milk (and I believe him) but at the same time I think he's not totally comfortable using it. One day he gave some to A and he thought it made him really sleepy so he called to ask me if there way anything in the milk that would have done that. Of course there wasn't and I tried to reassure him of that but I could tell that he was still not convinced. Not that I think he thinks there really was something wrong with the milk. I just think that he fears the unknown (or at least the uncertain) and he probably prefers to use formula because he knows what's in it and he knows that it's always the same. With breast milk he probably worries that I might have had something to eat or drink that would make A sleepy or gassy or something.

It's still a little bit of a letdown for me because I know that there are parents out there who are desperate to get breast milk for their babies but who just don't have the access to it. The choice that J is making is not the one that I would make for my own child. The beauty of it is though that A is not my child and in the end I really don't have to worry about it. I can feel good knowing that I pumped about 1000 ounces of breast milk for A and I got him off to the very best start that I could have.

I guess if I was really committed I could become a milk donor to someone else and try to finish out the two month commitment that I made to myself. I don't think I have it in me though. Pumping for A was (as corny as this will sound) sort of an act of love and if I'm done with that situation then I probably just need to be done altogether. I'm ok with that. It didn't go exactly the way I wanted it to but I can deal with that. Everything else about this has been so good that I don't want to cry over a little spilt milk. (Haha, I'm so funny!)

Yesterday I got my final comp check from my agency. This surrogacy is really and truly done. I have no doubt that I will continue to have a relationship with B and J and A (J told me the other day that I'm like a member of the family) but now it's time to look forward to the the next step. All the research I've done on various agencies has pretty much led me back to the agency I was already with. I suppose in some ways it's better to stick with the devil you know.

But for tonight I'm going to kick back, relax, have a few glasses of wine and try not to let my massively engorged boobs brush up against anything because son of a bitch, these puppies hurt.

Yes!

Back into my pre-pregnancy jeans!

And they're zipped!

And I can breath!

Almost!

Never ask my husband to buy you maxi pads

After A was born and I was still in the hospital I asked Jesse to stop by the store and buy me some pads for after I got home. He looked confused and we had the following conversation:
Jesse: Don't you already have some at home?
Me: Yes, but not enough.
Jesse: Really? Are you sure?
Me: Yeah, I know that I only have a few at home.
Jesse: Hmmmm.
Me: Trust me! I know that I need more!
Jesse: (skeptically) Oooookaaaay.
Me: OH MY GOD! Why are you doubting me on this!?! Wouldn't I know better than you how many pads I have? I think I have a pretty good handle on my current pad inventory! So unless you want me washing out and reusing the few I have then please, for the love of all that is holy, buy me some damned maxi pads!

Ok, I didn't say that last part. I'm sure he got the message from the look I shot him though. The look said "Do you really want to argue over feminine hygiene products with me?"

Last week I asked Jesse to buy me more pads. This time he didn't argue at all. He went right out and got me some. Or, he tried. What was the problem? He brought me bladder leakage protection pads. For people who are incontinent. He went in to a store where he used to work and where I know a good number of the employees and bought me adult diapers. Technically they are pads but they're huge and wearing one (Yes, I tried using them. I was in a pinch) makes you look and feel like you're carrying a rolled up sleeping bag between your legs. What was Jesse's excuse? "They were on the shelf right next to what I bought you last time!" Of course. It's only logical then that you would buy the thing next to what you bought last time. It makes perfect sense.

The moral of this story? Never ask my husband to buy you maxi pads. You just can't count on him for that sort of thing. But, since he really is a pretty good guy most of the time next time I'll tell you a story that shows how you can count on him when it really matters.

Mama malk

I think I've turned a corner emotion-wise. I haven't cried in the last two days. Every so often I get a little sad because the whole surrogacy is over (I can't wait to do it again) but otherwise I'm starting to feel more "evened out". As long as I'm not pumping I'm happy.

Because pumping sucks.

Ok, pumping doesn't suck. Blood blisters on your nipples is what sucks. Feeling like you have a rabid weasel attatched to each breast is what sucks. Ending your pumping session and finding that not only are your nipples red and chapped, they're two inches long is what sucks. Washing out the fricken' pumps 100 times a day is what sucks.

But pumping is great! And I'm keeping it up because I want the very best for little A ...... and I want some help with losing this baby weight and pumping is really good for that.

The one thing I really love about pumping is when Elle wants to sit with me while I do it. (Fun fact - I produce a lot more milk when I pump with her in the room.) We have the same conversation every time she sees me pump.

Elle: Mama, you pump-pump again?
Me: Yep, I'm pumping again.
Elle: You make-a the malk?
Me: Yep.
Elle: That malk is for the babies?
Me: Yes, this milk is for the baby.
Elle: Mama, you almost done make-a malk?
Me: Not yet honey.
Elle: Malk is for the babies?
Me: Yes, for the baby.
Elle: Mama, I want that malk! It delicious!

What will make me cry today?

Ugh, I forgot what a kick in the pants post-partum hormones are. I'm so weepy! Poor Jesse keeps coming across me crying and when he asks what's wrong it's always something like "There's a hairball in the shower drain!" or "I forgot to put salt on my corn!" or "Elle stopped using a sippy cup!"

The other day my mom came over to drop off some dinner (because she is the best mom ever and is making dinner for us for every night for a whole week) and I answered the door in tears. She asked what was wrong and the best answer I could give her was "The toilet isn't flushing right!"

I'm a mess.

But I'm not really. Really I'm feeling pretty good. Sometimes I feel so good that that makes me cry. If I start to think too much about the birth I start to get weepy with happiness.

Yesterday I talked on the phone with J and he just went on and on about how much I mean to him and B and how they can never thank me enough for what I've done and how their whole family is so thankful. Finally I had to cut in and say "J, yesterday I cried over a toilet that wouldn't flush right. Do you have any idea what you're doing to me right now?"

I was a big pile of blubbery goo by the time we got off the phone. It was a good kind of blubbery goo. Much better than the pile of goo I was turned into by watching a former porn star/drug addict do ballet. Damn you Celebrity Rehab.