Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Weight loss tips that really, really work

Here I am two weeks post-partum and this morning I was able to put on a pair of pre-pregnancy jeans. And zip them. Woot!

Then I immediately took them off and slipped into some maternity yoga pants because just because one can wear pre-pregnancy jeans doesn't mean one should. Especially if one wishes to breath.

I've lost all of the baby weight. I think this makes me a weight loss expert. I don't want to keep all of my knowledge to myself so I'm going to share some tips with you now. Seriously, all of this worked for me.

1. Instead of having one baby, have two! It's a lot easier to get a head start on losing the baby weight when you lose 12.5 pounds just by giving birth.

2. Have people bring you dinners and come to your house and make you breakfast. Make sure that as many of the meals as possible are cheese based. Homemade mac & cheese, tater tot casserole and pizza boats are all good options.

3. Try to get a lot of sleep. Nap all the time. If you're feeling up to it do something strenuous like take a shower and then nap again. For added weight loss success whine to everyone who will listen about how tired you are. Be thankful that you don't have to care for two babies on top of all the whining you're doing.

4. Pump breast milk. Do it even it if you hate it. Ignore the fact that you always smell slightly like baby spit up and that everything in your house somehow ends up splattered with milk. Do it. Don't give up just because you're embarrassed that you start to lactate every time you hear a small appliance motor turn on. Remind yourself that someday you want to fit into your underwear again and then keep at it.

5. Watch the Discovery Channel and Investigation Discovery every chance you get. Cry a little bit every time you see the preview for the new season of Deadliest Catch. You will lose so much water weight via the tears you shed over Captain Phil!

So there you have it. These are all scientifically proven tips based on ...
science ... and stuff. I'm totally going to patent them and start a weight loss center and make a million dollars that I will spend on chocolate.

One
year ago today Joseph saved the planet.
One years ago today we went to the zoo.

4 comments:

shyestviolet said...

this will CLEARLY work in a double-blinded study. I'll start recruiting participants.

ALW said...

Does this program work four years post-partum?

Cathy said...

"Don't give up just because you're embarrassed that you start to lactate every time you hear a small appliance motor turn on."

That is Funny.

=)

Stimey said...

I'm already doing numbers 1, 2, and 3 and it's not working. NOT wooooooorrrkkking!!!!

I'm happy for you. I guess.