Thursday, April 29, 2010

Wear shoes if you use my bathroom

Jesse and I recently had a loud, angry argument that tested the limits of our marriage.

It was about eye boogers. Elle's eye boogers to be exact.

A little while back Elle was brushing her teeth and she swallowed some spit a little funny. Ever since then she's become convinced that she's going to choke when she brushes her teeth. Hence, teeth brushing time has become a group effort with Jesse and I both trying to encourage/cajole/force her to brush her teeth.

So a few nights ago the three of us were in the bathroom. Elle and I were standing net to each other and Jesse was sitting on the floor. As we were going through the usual "Oh for fracks sake, just brush your teeth already!" routine Jesse picked an eye booger out of Elle's eye and put it on the bathroom rug!

Oh my god! Eye booger! On the rug! Where I stand with my bare feet when I get out of the shower! Eye booger!

Because I am a calm, rational adult I presented my concerns to Jesse in a calm, rational way.

My argument: "Gross! You just flung an eye booger onto the rug! That's so disgusting!"
Jesse's counter-argument: "I didn't fling it. I wiped it."
My counter-counter-argument: long befuddled silence
Jesse's counter-counter-counter argument: "You're saying I flung it and I didn't!"
My counter-counter-counter-counter argument: "Are you serious? That is the biggest missing of the point ever. I don't care how exactly the eye booger got there. I'm just upset that it's there. The bathroom rug is not a giant tissue for you to wipe things on!"
Jesse's counter-counter-counter-counter-counter argument: "You're the one who keeps saying I flung it! Don't say I flung it when I didn't!* And anyway, it was just a little piece."

And it just got worse from there.** We've been married almost 11 years now. Maybe we ought to be applauded for finding new and creative things to fight about. Or maybe Jesse should not be allowed within 20 feet of a bathroom rug.

*Apparently you can tell Jesse he's gross and disgusting but don't you dare say that he flings things.

**To be honest, there was already some tension brewing before this argument. Jesse had neglected to buy me anything for my birthday and I wasn't exactly a happy camper about the situation. I'm over it now.***

*** Well, I was over it until some friends of ours gave me a belated birthday present of two bottles of wine and Jesse dropped one of them. And he dropped it in such a way that it first hit the tail light of my car and broke it. No, I am not joking. I guess I should be glad he didn't pick up the glass shards of the bottle and grind them in my face. Best. Birthday. Ever!

One year ago today I didn't want to get the swine flu.
Two years ago today I took a picture of the tiniest spider ever.
Five years ago today I wanted candy.


CharmingDriver said...

Not that I'm prone to over-reaction or being a drama queen but uh, well. Let's say hypothetically that my husband had done something equally confounding (AND WAY MORE GROSS. Hypothetically.) like say, using his bare hands to get a stray NOSE booge from the 4 yr old's face and then WIPING IT NO, JESSE FOR FRACK'S SAKE NOT FLINGING IT JUUUUUUUUUST WIPING IT ON THE ARM OF THE COUCH. I would never, ever harp on it for 3 or 7 or 98 days every.single.time I looked at him, the couch, the kid, any random nose or a strategically placed (NEXT TO THE COUCH DAMMIT) box of Kleenex. Nope, I am way more laid back than to react in such a fashion.

Just like I won't point out to Jesse that the bathroom has toilet paper for just such.....discharges along with a handy dandy toilet and/or garbage can for easy disposal. Rugs, contrary to popular (TO JESSE) opinion do not double as bodily waste collection points. TRUE FACT.

Stimey said...

I'm sorry to have to point out the obvious here, but when you wipe a booger, eye OR nose, off of a child, the correct place to wipe it is surreptitiously on the back of their own shirt. On the inside if you can get away with it, so you don't have to look at it.

I think that paragraph just made me the grossest person on the face of the planet.