Monday, April 12, 2010

Today I am sad

I've spent the last 36 hours in three modes: about to cry, crying, recovering from crying.

You know what? Add one more. Hiding the fact that I'm crying so that Jesse won't worry about me.

On Sunday my IFs flew home with The Boy and The Girl so on Saturday Jesse and I went to visit them and say goodbye. We got a hotel room near where my IF's were staying thinking that we would make the night into a nice, relaxing night away from the kids.

The visit itself was nice. We brought the babies Minnesota Twins onesies and a bunch of breast milk \. We went out to eat and Jesse had a turducken burger. I ate ice cream and drank wine and snuggled the babies. When it got late I kissed the babies goodbye and hugged the guys goodbye and made them promise about 20 times to send pictures and stay in touch.

As Jesse and I walked back to our hotel I was feeling pretty good, happy about how everything had gone. When we got back to our hotel room I sat down on the bed and Jesse asked me how I was feeling. I immediately burst into tears. Since then I've been crying once about every 14.7 minutes.

As I've explained to Jesse several times I'm not crying because of regret (because I have none) or a longing to have the babies back (because, no) but rather because I'm sad the whole thing is over with. For the past year the pregnancy, the babies and the guys have been a huge part of my life and now? It's just done.

I miss the babies. I don't have any maternal feelings towards them but I'm not a robot. I carried them and nurtured them for nine months. After they were born I held them and kissed their foreheads and tickled The Boy's double chin and teased The Girl's hair into a mohawk. I miss them.

I miss the guys. They're amazing people and wonderful fathers and I consider myself lucky to know them. Without surrogacy I never would have met them so now when people ask me why I am a surrogate I can add "meeting super cool people" to the long list of ways surrogacy has benefited me. We shared something pretty special and along the way I really came to care about them. Jesse likes them, the kids like them, I like them. They seemed to like me. I miss them.

I miss being pregnant. I miss feeling The Boy hiccuping when I tried to sleep at night. I miss seeing The Girl's arms moving around at the top of my tummy. I miss waddling when I walk and maternity clothes and heartburn and craving chocolate cake. When I was pregnant I got to play a part in building a family. I'm sad that's done now.

Not all the tears I'm shedding are sad ones. There's a lot of sweet to help even out the bitter. The babies are loved and adored beyond reason. The guys have the family they had been wanting for so long. I'm proud of myself for carrying and delivering two big, healthy babies. My family and I are enjoying the benefits of surrogacy, both the financial one and the ones that are a little harder to put into words. I know that as time passed the sweet will remain and the bitter will fade away. I know that part of the reason I'm sadder at the end of this surrogacy than I was at the last one is that the good parts have been so much better this time around. That in it's self is something to be happy about.


But today I am sad.

Two years ago today I played in the snow with my new camera.
Three years ago today Elle had a cookie.
Four years ago today I made fun of people.


Quad Pram said...

You've had so many people around. You think you are a problem girl but you are not. Cheer up!!!

Stimey said...

This makes total sense. Not to mention you likely have a whole lot of crazy hormones circulating through your system. Be sad. I think it's okay. It's sad when phases of life end and most of them aren't so cut and dried. You'll be okay. And big hugs to you.

Anonymous said...

Jen, what you are feeling is perfectly, the hormones that must be running rampant in your body alone would make anyone sad!!! A lot of changes to your life in a very short period of time. You nurtured two very important little lives that will be cherished and loved beyond description by two very special and devoted parents!! It's okay to experience the sadness, but remember to dwell in the positive!! You still have a lot going on in your life, your quirky husband, your own two little angels, your parents, your brother, numerous aunts, uncles, cousins, a grandma, and oh....don't forget me.... your strange MIL!! I'm looking forward to spending time with you on Saturday. Be good to yourself!! You are an awesome woman!! Judy