Friday, July 11, 2008

The Wild Asshat

It's 92 outside today with 100% humidity.* It was so hot that we almost didn't go to soccer practice. Something called me to that field though. Somehow I knew that if I went to soccer practice today I would be able to spot the rare Greater Asshat.

Perhaps I should explain. At every soccer practice I see the more common female Asshat (pictured below with the elusive Elder Asshat behind her) but I have never seen the male of the species.

For a few weeks now I have observed the female Asshat and her behavior confused me. She comes to each soccer practice and then ignores her kid while she reads a book or blabs to everyone within earshot of her how awesome her life is. Then she occasionally glances up at her son to yell at him for not playing well enough**. Naturally I was curious to see if the male Asshat would behave the same way. Today I got my chance to see. My report follows.

Instead of large plumage or bright colors the male Asshat appears to use penny loafers and mom jeans to attract the female of his species. He spent a good deal of time strutting around and yelling into his cell phone about how "his people" would get in touch with someone elses people. Once this was done he turned his attention to the soccer practice. It appears that the male Wile Asshat is an attentive father. He kept up a constant stream of calls to his young and it sounded something like this: "Come on Robby! Get in there Robby! Move Robby! Don't just stand there Robby! Move Robby! Steal the ball away from that kid! Quit slacking Robby! COME ON ROBBY! Don't just stand there! Don't tell me it's hot! It's not even hot out today Robby! Stop slacking Robby! Come on Robby! I've got a really small penis and how else can I feel like a man if my eight year old isn't good at soccer!?!?!"

All this yelling seemed to excite the female Asshat and she joined in with her own cries. "Come on Robby! What? Are you kidding me? You can do better than that and it is NOT HOT OUT TODAY!!"

Several times I caught myself staring at the wild Asshats in awe, my mouth hanging open with astonishment. At one point I seemed to irritate the herd. My own young managed to kick the ball*** and I called out "Good job babe! Way to get in there!" The elder Asshat cackled and said "Those moms who cheer no matter how bad their kids do always make me laugh!" The male Asshat responded with "Yeah, like that's gonna make them play any better."

I strongly considered whipping my water bottle in their direction but just in the nick of time I was able to remember that my parenting philosophy of "Kind and Gentle" does not include letting my young see me lay the smack down on wild animals. Even if they really, really deserve it.

When the game ended the young Asshat (who appears to not have developed into full Asshatery yet (this kid doesn't stand a chance) congratulated my young on a good game. The female Asshat tried to engage me in conversation but I ignored her. I had had enough of observing them for the day. As we walked away my young loudly announced to me "I'm glad you don't yell at me like Robby's parents do!"

Huh. Whatta ya know? Even the Splendid Aspie can spot a Wild Asshat from a mile away.

*How is that even possible? If there's 100% humidity shouldn't the air turn into water?

**One point in her favor is that she's never tried to shoot a booger at me.

***It's possible that he didn't actually kick the ball. It only moved about three inches so it might have just been the wind. He tries though and that's what I care about.


Stimey said...

Oh dear. That's shocking. We're not involved in team sports yet. Maybe that's a good thing.

missmoo said...

Jeez, some people! Really great post. Next practice maybe take a squirt gun and give it to the baby and point her in the right direction! :)

Alison Wonderland said...

They really said that?! Loud enough for you to hear?! That's unbelievable!
Good for the other kid. Maybe he'll make it out alive.

Sam said...

This is why I prefer to stay inside. The asshats around here love fake boobies, fake tans, fake nails, fake....blah blah blah. I counteract their fakery through rejecting makeup, bras, my hair brush and whatever else I can avoid in their presence. They hate it.

Angie said...

Amen! We've had wild asshats at my daughter's soccer games. I get so pissed off at them. Now I will look at them in a different light. Great post! Love the pictures too. I'd love to see them out there running on the field. LOL!

Jill said...

I sat by that same guy at my son's karate tournament last year. He kept yelling at his kid to hit my son "Hey, he's not guarding his left side, punch him there! Kick him in the side! He's wide open! Punch his head!"
The interesting part is that the kids wear helmets, and he couldn't hear anything his dad was yelling at him. I however, got an earful.
We recently walked through the park where a little league football game was being played. So many of the parents were yelling at the kids and the referees. One dad threw his hat on the ground while yelling because he thought a call was unfair. My daughter told me she was glad that I didn't act like those parents.
These people drive. Me. Crazy.
We don't have our kids in team sports.

Jen said...

stimey - The good news is that the Assahts seem to be the exception and not the rule at this program. I've never seen any other parents act this way at the soccer games.

missmoo - I may just do that! I like the way you think.

alison - Oh yeah, they said it. I was pretty shocked too.

sam - I prefer to stay inside too usually. Fewer bugs and fewer asshats.

angie - No kidding! I'm guessing they must have had tiny air conditioners hidden in their clothes because otherwise I don't see how they could have kept telling that poor kid it wasn't hot out. I was dripping sweat just sitting there.

jill - Yikes! I just don't understand parents like that at all. Why get your kid involved in a sport and then spend the entire time trying to make him miserable? I don't get it.

Black Hockey Jesus said...

I love how they're such role-models of fitness for Robby. Mmmmm. Physical fitness.

The Intracerebral Itinerary said...

LOL LOVED this post! If there's one thing about being a parent that drives me nuts, it's dealing with the formidable world of Other Kid's Parents.

The Laundress said...

This is so frickin' funny.

kik said...

I was about to be a big disappointed, thinking you were gonna mock fat people, I'm a bit fluffy myself.

But when I read about their *parenting skills* I had to admit that I agree with you.

Why oh why are people so rude to their kids?

((shakes head sadly))

Manager Mom said...

I wish I had the balls to post about the jerky soccer parents I've encountered. You are my hero!

Jen said...

BHJ - I know. I wanted to se either one of them frun for more than 8 seconds in that heat without collapsing.

The Intracerebral Itinerary - True dat. Other kids are usually ok, it's the other parents that often suck.

laundress - I had to try to make it funny otherwise I would have spent the week weeping over Robby. I sill may.

kik - Don't worry, I would never mock someone for their weight. I'm a big girl myself so I'm not into that sort of thing.

manager mom - I can do it because only 8 people read this blog. I wouldn't do it if I was a blogging superstar like some people I could name. ;)