Monday, June 21, 2010

Obnoxious Soccerous Maternalous

Have you ever met someone who makes you want to scream "GET A BLOG!"?  And not in a good "Hey, I really like what you have to say and you should share your interesting and amusing stories with the whole world via a blog on the internetz" kind of way but in the "at least if you had a blog I could click the little X and get away from your insane rambling" kind of way?

There's a little boy on Elle's soccer team who's mother needs to get a blog.  Or maybe she already has one but she just needs to update it more often.  She seems like the kind of asshole that would have a mommy blog.  (Fun fact - I am also that kind of asshole.)

The woman really, really likes to talk about herself.  The problem is that she's so damned obnoxious that no one will talk to her.  She doesn't let that stop her though!  She powers through! She talks about herself to her kids so that everyone around her will be able to hear her.  She's not even subtle about it or anything.  Her poor kid will be sitting six inches away from her and she's shreiking random facts about her life in an attempt to impress the other parents.

"IF IT STAYS SUNNY LIKE THIS WE'LL GO TO THE CABIN THIS WEEKEND AND GO SWIMMING.  YOU KNOW, THE CABIN AT THE LAKE!  THE CABIN THAT WE OWN!" *looks around to make sure everyone within earshot is impressed even though no one is because this is Minnesota and you can't swing a dead cat without hitting a cabin on the lake* (Fun fact - I do not have a cabin on the lake nor do I endorse winging dead cats.) "I WAS GETTING MY DEGREE IN PHYSICAL THERAPY BUT THEN I SAW HOW PEOPLE WOULD EAT TEN BAGS OF CHIPS AND THEN GAIN TEN POUNDS SO I BECAME A FOOD SCIENTIST INSTEAD!" *glances back to make sure everyone is appreciating how great her non-chip eating, food scientist butt looks in her new capris from The Gap.*

Today in the span of three minutes she yelled how she once coached soccer, that she was a food scientist developing new products ("TO BE SOLD IN GROCERY STORES!"), that she once did a school report on all the presidents of the United States, that she plays piano AND trumpet and that she likes to memorize the scientific names of animals and she's got all the mammals down but that "SEA CREATURES ARE HARDER BECAUSE THEY KEEP DISCOVERING SO MANY NEW KINDS!".

When she got to the part about the scientific names of animals Joseph nearly passed out from trying not to laugh. "I wish I had a phone so that I could text message you what I'm really thinking right now!" he giggle/whispered to me.

Lady, when the kid with Asperger's thinks you're weird it might be time to rein it in a little bit.

So that's what's going on in my life right now.  What's new with you?  (Fun fact - I am terrible at ending blog posts.)

Three years ago today I hated MTV.
Four years ago today I hated Planned Parenthood protesters.
Five years ago today I liked my dad.


Keri said...

Jen! What happened to the "welcome to my blog Mr President" post? It showed up in my bloglist, but now it says it does not exist. THe little snippet I could read in my feed was very exciting!

Jen said...

Sorry! A post that was supposed to be published tomorrow slipped through somehow. Come back tomorrow because it's an awesome story!

Anonymous said...

oh wow! That must have been really annoying. Joseph's comment was priceless!

Love to all...

Grandma Judy

Eile said...

Can I just "Like" this post? I too am lazy. But yes, your right. When an aspie thinks your odd....well, that is a a sign.

dancing_lemur said...

Ha! I DO totally know people like that and often think, "If you had a blog, I totally wouldn't read you but you should go there and write and shut up IRL."

Also, I'm pretty sure I end almost all of my blog posts in exactly the same way.

Stimey said...

Ending blog posts is hard.

But when you have this: "Lady, when the kid with Asperger's thinks you're weird it might be time to rein it in a little bit," I think you're pretty much gold.

I love your kid.