Weight loss tips that really, really work

Here I am two weeks post-partum and this morning I was able to put on a pair of pre-pregnancy jeans. And zip them. Woot!

Then I immediately took them off and slipped into some maternity yoga pants because just because one can wear pre-pregnancy jeans doesn't mean one should. Especially if one wishes to breath.

I've lost all of the baby weight. I think this makes me a weight loss expert. I don't want to keep all of my knowledge to myself so I'm going to share some tips with you now. Seriously, all of this worked for me.

1. Instead of having one baby, have two! It's a lot easier to get a head start on losing the baby weight when you lose 12.5 pounds just by giving birth.

2. Have people bring you dinners and come to your house and make you breakfast. Make sure that as many of the meals as possible are cheese based. Homemade mac & cheese, tater tot casserole and pizza boats are all good options.

3. Try to get a lot of sleep. Nap all the time. If you're feeling up to it do something strenuous like take a shower and then nap again. For added weight loss success whine to everyone who will listen about how tired you are. Be thankful that you don't have to care for two babies on top of all the whining you're doing.

4. Pump breast milk. Do it even it if you hate it. Ignore the fact that you always smell slightly like baby spit up and that everything in your house somehow ends up splattered with milk. Do it. Don't give up just because you're embarrassed that you start to lactate every time you hear a small appliance motor turn on. Remind yourself that someday you want to fit into your underwear again and then keep at it.

5. Watch the Discovery Channel and Investigation Discovery every chance you get. Cry a little bit every time you see the preview for the new season of Deadliest Catch. You will lose so much water weight via the tears you shed over Captain Phil!

So there you have it. These are all scientifically proven tips based on ...
science ... and stuff. I'm totally going to patent them and start a weight loss center and make a million dollars that I will spend on chocolate.

One year ago today Joseph saved the planet.
One years ago today we went to the zoo.

The biggest winner

Elle likes to use the bathroom scale. Thr first time I saw her do it I kind of freaked out. For a minute I worried that I had somehow managed to give her all my weight and body issues. I worried that I was making her neurotic about herslef and the way she looked by weighing myself in front of her. Then I realized that she just likes to see the numbers pop up.

Every time she steps on the scale she says "Three tee tee nine" and looks very pleased. I have no idea what it means but it's what she always says. It's a routine. Every time I go into the bathroom she follows me in so that she can step on the scale and say "three tee tee nine."

Yesterday was a little different though. She stepped on the scale and screamed "Hooray! Three two points! I da winner! Hooray! Three two points! I da winner Mama! Three two points!" and she ran out of the room clapping with glee.

I wish I was that happy after I weighed myself.

What's eating Jen these days?

Right now I'm doing something that I haven't done since high school. Yes, I'm dieting. Ugh.

In the last couple years I have made changes to my eating habits because I wanted to try to eat healthier. Losing weight was never the goal. Now it is because I really want to lose this baby weight. And by "this baby weight" I mean "this weight I'm still carrying around from when I was pregnant with Elle."

I promised myself that I would not get pregnant again until I was at my goal weight. 22 pounds down, 26 to go. I think I can do it but it's not going to be easy. I have massive food issues that I wrestle with on a daily basis. (Or even an hourly basis.) I can't eat like a reasonable person so I have to set strict rules for myself. Nearly every morning since A was born I have started my day off the same way. It goes like this:

- Put 2 tablespoons of ground flax seed into a bowl.
- Put 3 heaping spoonfuls of Thick and Rough Cut oats into the bowl.
- Put a packet of microwavable oatmeal into the bowl.
- Add 1 cup and one splash of water to the bowl.
- Nuke the mixture for 1 minute and 30 seconds.
- While it's cooking get a glass of milk and a banana.
- Take out the oatmeal, add a splash of milk and a sprinkle of brown sugar.
- Eat the breakfast while fighting off a demanding toddler who thinks that every banana she sees is her banana.

If I don't follow that routine exactly then I run the risk of eating poorly the whole day. I find that if I don't get the day off to a good start then it's too easy for me to think things like "Well, I already blew today by not eating my oatmeal. I might as well eat half a chocolate cake now!"

I wish I knew how to find some kind of happy medium. I wish I could make good choices about food without having to impose a strict regiment on myself. How do people do that?

Yes!

Back into my pre-pregnancy jeans!

And they're zipped!

And I can breath!

Almost!

Normal is the new fat

I used to be an MTV addict. If there was an episode of The Real World on I watched. It didn't matter what season it was from or how many times I had already seen it. I watched it anyway, I was powerless to resist. Then I got a little older and I found myself getting more and more annoyed with the show. By the time the Las Vegas season came I had pretty much tuned out.

But then the evil marketing geniuses at MTV came up with something that drew me back in. The Real World/Road Rules challenges. Something about the challenges just drew me in. I knew it was total trash but I didn't care. I could watch and episode and hate every single person on it but I would still be entertained.

But here's my question. Has the show always been as anti-women as it is now? Or have I just recently noticed this? I would like to think that it wasn't always like this and that it's just gotten bad over time. I would hate to think that at one time I didn't notice that the entire show was pretty much a platform for the "men" on the show to wave their dicks around and make misogynistic comments.

Even the women on the show seem to be taking part in it. They whine about how they need as many men as possible on their team and how the other girls are just dead weight. I have never once seen one of them say anything like "Hey! Girls can do stuff too! We don't have to rely on the boys to carry us through this!"

The most disturbing thing that I've noticed lately on the show though is how damned skinny all the women are. Take Paula:

Now Paula is anorexic but she doesn't really look all that different than most of the other women on her team. Many of them look like they might topple over if a butterfly landed on them particularly hard. What happens when someone on the show is slightly larger? Take Janelle:

Pretty girl right? Yeah. On nearly episode she gets called things like "a whole lotta girl". And god forbid that the woman be an even larger size. Take Anessa:

I can't stand Anessa on the show but I've gotten tired of the constant comments about her weight. On the last episode there was a swimming challenge and one of the other people on the show commented that she was "swimming like there was a cupcake on the other side". Nice. And this kind of stuff is said all the time. Certainly MTV can't control what the people on it's shows say. But they can decide how many of these hurtful and damaging comments that they're going to put in every episode of their shows.

Why all the fat jokes MTV? Is your female audience not insecure enough already? Do you have to comtinue to drill it into their heads that they should not have any curves at all unless they're the surgicaly implanted, saline kind? Screw you MTV. This is one cupcake loving girl that won't be watching you anymore.

Edited - All of the sudden I'm getting a ton of hits for this entry and I can't figure out why. Where are you all coming from?