Monday, March 05, 2007

The fight of the century

I own a neti pot. I've heard it said that a neti pot is the best way to clean out your sinuses and get you feeling better if you're a little bit stuffy. I have never had much success with my neti pot. Every time I ues it I just end up feeling kind of water logged. I've got a really sutffy nose right now though so I was determined to get that damned neti pot to work for me. I read and re-read the instuctions. I did a dry run through to practice my positioning. I even watched a YouTube video on how to do it. I was prepared. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you The Fight of the Century!

In this corner, my nose! My right nostril is so clogged that I can't breath through it at all. I can squeeze a little air in through the left side if I really, really try. My nose had been the victor in previous battles, can it hang on to it's title?

And in this corner, the neti pot! This little pot has got a lot of support from it's loyal fans but it's as of yet been unable to prove itself in the ring. Will today be the day that it triumphs over the clogged nose?

I will be playing the part of the neti pot's trainer, manager, roadie and , if need be, groupie. It's my job to prepare the salt water and to position the pot.

Round 1!
I insert the tip of the pot into my right nostril. I tip my head just right, just like the lady on the video. I tilt the pot and ....... nothing. I think the spout must be blocked because I'm not feeling anything at all. The spout is not blocked. I change tactis and switch to the left nostril.

Round 2!
After inserting the tip, tilting my head and opening my mouth I begin to tip the pot. Almost right away I can feel the water in my sinuses. "Hey!" I think "this is working!" But it's not. The water is going in but it's not coming out. I can taste the salt water starting to down the back of my throat. Out comes the pot.

Round 3!
I'm not ready to give up on the left nostril. I gently blow my nose to clear out the gunk and try again. Success! This time a couple of drops drip out of the right side. It seems like I'm pouring a lot in without much coming out but I'm pleased that I'm seeing some results. Could this be the neti pot's big day? Is there a win in it's future?

Round 4!
Back to the right nostril. I'm feeling good. Those 3 or 4 drops coming out last time really boosted my confidence. I prepare myself again and begin to tip the pot. I feel the warm water filling my sinuses and then ..... nothing. The water starts to dribble out of my mouth. In a sudden burst of genius I think that maybe if I close my mouth that will somehow force the water to go out my left nostril. The water starts to fill my mouth but I force myself not to think about how gross it is and to keep my mouth shut. For about 5 seconds I'm feeling really good about this plan. Then I start to hear on odd bubbling sound coming from the neti pot. My nose has realized that at some point I'm going to need to breath and independent of me it has choosen to try to inhale through the neti pot. In a panic I pull the pot out and open my mouth. Salt water is everywhere. It's draining out of both nostrils. It's running in a thick stream out of my mouth. My eyes have tears streaming out of them. My ears feel a little waxy. I don't care about the mess that I've made in the sick and the mirror. I just know that I don't want to be the first person in history to drown while using a neti pot.

The neti pot lays in the bottom of the sink, dazed and confused as the last few drops of water dribble out of it's spout. I'm coughing and hacking and it seems like there's still a waterfall of salt water running down the back of my throat. I decide to take a shower to try to clear things out. I climb in and nearly kill myself as I slip on the baby oil slick left in there after Elle's bath.

After a few moments in the shower realize that in fact I'm not going to die the world's most humilating death. Sure, I feel like I swallowed half the Great Salt Lake and sure, I've had a few vomit burbs (one should not ingest that much salt water unless one is attemping to dislodge one's last four meals) but otherwise I'm ok. I still can't breath through my nose but at least I'm alive. I start to wonder if this is the real draw of the neti pots. People don't like them because they clean out your sinuses, they use them for the near death experiences.

The winner? My nose. It's still clogged with about half a gallon of (now very salty) mucus. To the victor go the spoils I guess. The neti pot is going to take a while off to reflect on this fight. I'm sure it'll be back though once I'm feeling better and have forgotten how it feels to nearly kill yourself with a couple of ounces of water.

For now I'm going to take a decongestant and have a Schwans Orange Push Up. Now who's the real winner here?


Ben said...

I prefer to just blow my nose in the shower.

suzxy said...

Um, eww.

Also from the post before about Alli...eww.

I found this stuff at the drugstore that's salt water in an aerosol can and it shoots the salt water straight to your brain. After I stopped twitching, I started sneezing which helped, a little.

Anonymous said...

I have heard of snorting salt water, but I have never had the nerve to try it...and I could never figure it out...

Al said...

oh, I can't stop laughing :D with you, I hope?

Jen said...

Ben- Jesse does the same thing. That should be punishable by death.

Sheli- Uh, I think that might have been a douche. You used it wrong.

tirzah- They say it's easy to do but I think they're lying.

shyest- Yeah, I thought it was kind of funny too after it was all done. After I almost died. Yeah, it was funny.

Anonymous said...

Well that sounds a bit unpleasant.

I've done the sniffing of the salt water thing before and it isn't fun, but sometimes it really helps. But only sometimes.

May I suggest NyQuil? :)

The Other Girl said...

As punishment for this post, I sentence you to an hour with IDAT's feet.

Jen said...

bex - Everyone says that! Everyone asks why I don't just take good old fashioned drugs. And to that I can only say ..... I don't know.

TOG - The horror ..... the horror.