Operation Bathroom

When my brother and I were kids I would always get stuck cleaning the bathroom that we shared.  Every so often my mom would tell him to clean it but then he would say, and I quote, "But I don't know how to clean the bathroom!" and then she would tell me to do it.  Until recently, if you asked my mom about this she would deny that it ever happened.  Not that long ago though my brother told her it was true, that he had been faking not knowing how to use a rag so that I would be the one who always had to clean the bathroom.  He still brags about it to this day.  Butthead.

I was thinking about this yesterday.  I don't know why, maybe I was just in a mood to contemplate injustice or something.  But I was thinking about it and it occurred to me that I should make sure that BOTH of my children were skilled in the art of bathroom cleaning.  That way neither of the kids would have to grow up with the painful, scarring memory of being forced to do slightly more than their fair share of the work!*

Operation Bathroom was born.  I even facebooked it.  "I am going to recruit the kids to help clean the bathrooms. It's high time these little monsters started pulling their weight around here. Check back in five minutes for an update about how one of them managed to injure themselves with a toilet brush."**
 
Ahaha.  I'm so funny.  I didn't really expect one of them to get hurt.  I knew everything would be fine!

I gathered up the cleaning supplies, went into the bathroom and called for the kids to join me in there.  Now, most of the time the second I set foot into the bathroom the kids are right outside the door, rattaling the doorknob, shoving notes under the door, asking me questions they could have asked during any of the other 23.9 hours a day we spend together but decided they needed answered at that very second.***  Not this time though.  I had to beg, plead and use a Very Serious Tone to get them in there.

Once we got started though it went pretty well.  I showed them how to shake the rugs out on the front porch and they liked that.  Elle enjoyed sitting on the bathroom counter and wiping off the mirror.  Joseph seemed to have fun scrubbing the toilet.  It was cute. I liked watching them get so into it.  So when Joseph asked if we could have some music on to clean by I was all to happy to oblige him.

I walked into the kitchen and turned some music on the jacked-up "laptop".  Then I opened the recently finished running dishwasher and pulled out the racks so the dishes could dry.  Then I went into the laundry room off the kitchen so that I could grab a couple of cleaning supplies I forgot.  Then I walked out of the laundry room.

That's when Operation Bathroom turned into Operation Disinfect Everything In The Entire Effing Kitchen.  Joseph was standing in the middle of the kitchen.  Dancing. Wildly and gleefully waving his arms around.  With his left arm waving right over the open dishwasher.  And in his left hand?

You guessed it.

The still wet and dripping toilet brush.

Because I am a Very Good Mom I didn't get too upset.  I just gagged for about half an hour then calmly explained that it's a toilet brush, not a throw your hands in the air and wave em like you just don't care brush and perhaps we should use that as a clue as to where the brush belonged.  He seemed to understand and in fact I think he felt a little bad.

He's never going to be allowed to help clean the bathroom again though.

I hate to break it to my brother but he's no longer the king of getting out of stuff.  "I don't know how to clean the bathroom" can't hold a candle to "I can't help clean the bathroom because Tik Tok might come on and my spontaneous outburst of joyous dancing may lead to poo water being flung all over your kitchen."

*Although really it wasn't slightly because my brother was always finding ways to get out of doing work.  I started doing my own laundry when I was 9.  I think my brother started when he was 27.

** My brother's real and actual response to that was "Don't let them snowball you with any of that "I don't know how to clean the bathroom" junk. Take it from me, that line is bull."

*** Best thing yelled to me through the bathroom door in this past week?  "Mama, I'm going to eat five or ten pieces of candy while you're in privacy ok?

Two years ago today I added a chapter in Joseph's adoption story.

10 things you MUST know about my little brother

1. He has a dance routine to the song Layla. It involves doing The Worm.
2. At my wedding reception he stood up in front of everyone and sang In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida. He even did the "na na na na na na na NA na" guitar part.
3. He is very funny and if you need proof of that you can read his blog. Be warned though, it might make you very, very afraid of being around criminal justice majors.
4. One year for his birthday my parents took him on a cruise. A CRUISE! I have never been on a cruise. I will leave you to work out the logistics/fairness of that one.
5. He ain't heavy, he's my brother.
6. He used to make Mac n' Cheese by putting the milk and butter into the boiling water and then pouring it all out when the noodles were done and then mixing the dry powder into the noodles.
7. He is very sensitive and doesn't like it when you make fun of the way he used to make Mac n' Cheese.
8. In spite of his inability to read the back of a Mac n' Cheese box he went on to become a professional chef.
9. He has recently left the world of professional cooking to go back to school and become a scary criminal justice law talking guy.
10. He claims to not like people but then he asked me to link to this so that all my readers would see it. A friend of his from college is facing the unimaginable and I know you good people care and will do what you can and pass the word along.

One year ago today I saw the grossest thing ever at a wedding reception.
Four years ago today I was pregnant and HUNGRY.

It's good to have a brother

I was having a pretty crummy day a little while back and I found myself on Facebook talking it out with my brother. It was amazingly therapeutic. Especially this part of the conversation:

Ben: I hope everything sparkles for you.
Me: Aw! Ben! I think that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Ben: Really?
Me: Yes.
Ben: What about the time I hugged you really briefly at the airport.
Me: Yeah, and there was that one time you patted me on the back really quickly.
Ben: I think that time I was actually trying to punch you in the arm but I missed.

It's good to have a brother.

One year ago today I was interviewed for a magazine.
Three years ago today my children sprayed various liquids all over my house.
Four years ago today Joseph was poetic about vomit.

Famous last words of a fool

First, a short announcement. My brother has a new blog. It amuses me greatly. It will probably amuse you too. Check it. And if you're in a hurry and you only have time for one entry then make it this one right here.

Tomorrow I'll be flying to LA. I'm not exactly afraid of flying but I can't say I'm 100% comfortable with it either. As the plane takes off and lands I find myslf thingking "If the plane crashed from this height would I live?" I know it's morbid but I can't seem to stop myself.

The past few days I've found myself being extra patient with the kids. I think it's because if I'm in a plane crash I don't want my last thought to be "I wish I hadn't snapped at Joseph." or "I wish I had played that 12th game of Candyland with Elle."

I don't know what I would want my last thought to be though. Nothing to beautiful or profound though. If my last thought was too good it wouldn't even be my last thought. It would be my second to last thought. My last thought would be "I should blog that!"

I don't mean to be dark here. I know that the chances of something bad happening are very small. I just have an overactive imagination. And dying in a plane crash wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. Having another flight like this would be the worst thing in the world.

I would like to come up with a good ending for this post. I would like to leave you with something profound just in case. Here goes: A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down the front of his pants. The bartender says "Hey pal, what's with the steering wheel?" The pirate responds "Arrr, it's driving me nuts!"

Intelligent political discourse

My brother came over for pizza and MST3K and political talk the other night. It went like this:

My brother (upon finding out that I am going to vote for a certain person): "What?!?! How can you vote for him? He's such a douche bag!"
Me: "They're all douche bags. At least the douche bag I'm backing doesn't want to overturn Roe v Wade."

You know what? I didn't say that. I actually just said "Nah-uh!" and then accused him of taking too many paper napkins. Don't even try to debate with me because I'll put you in your place.

In other news, this "video" makes me want to "make out" with "Samantha Bee" and "buy" her some "chocolate".

Thanks for the memorWiis

The other night my brother came over for dinner and to play a little Wii. Like the good sport that he is he agreed to watch some MST3K shorts with Joseph. He didn't complain once when he couldn't hear a single word from the movie because Joseph was lauging and talking so loud. Then he agreed to play the Wii game that Joseph wanted to. Then, as he was getting ready to go home I showed him the Thanksgiving card that Joseph had made in school. The card read:
dear
family
I am
ThakFul
for
my
family
Happy tha
mksgiving
Love Josseph

Joseph writes like a toddler and didn't know if Ben would be able to read it but much to Joseph delight he read it without missing a beat.

I had a lot to be thankful for this year but one thing that I am most thankful for is my brother. I'm thankful that Joseph has an awesome uncle who will play Wii with him, watch MST3K with him, share corny jokes with him and sing the SpiderPig theme song with him. I'm thankful that Elle has an uncle that she calls "Uncle Friend". I'm thankful that he's no longer with the Wicked Witch of the North and has gone back to being his old self. I'm thankful to have back the brother that I missed so much.

So what were you "thakful" for this year?

A very rude little girl

My mom told me once that when I was at the age where I had started school and my brother had not he would always look forward to me coming home so that he could ask me what I had for lunch that day. Every day when I came home he would run to me and say "What did you have for lunch today?" and I, being the loving older sister would yell "Augh! Stop asking me that all the time!"

God, what a little bitch. Why didn't I just tell him what I had for lunch? Was it really so much to ask?

Ben, if you're reading this, and if it makes you feel any better (because I'm sure you're still wounded all these years later) I seem to remember eating a lot of pizza, mashed potatoes, soyburgers and corn with black flecks in it.

For my brother

I know why they call you Ben. Because you're Ben solid.

I'm so glad I didn't watch Top Chef with you last night because there's no way I could have taken the rest of the show seriously after that if you had been in the room.

Happy, happy birthday baby!

My little boy is 6 today! I can't even believe it. I can so clearly remember the day he came to us. He was so tiny I was almost afraid to pick him up. I never could have guessed that that tiny, fragile little baby could turn into the wild, crazy, wonderful and fantastic Mr Joe that we know and love today.

He woke up at about 6 this morning and said "Bingo! It's my birthday!" and then went back to sleep. Later, when he woke up for real and came downstairs he said "I can't believe I'm 6 today. I know I'm older but I don't feel any changes in me!"

Tonight's his big birthday dinner with a bonfire and fireworks to follow. Yesterday Joseph said "And the best part of my birthday is that Uncle Ben will be there. Must .... watch .... doves!" He can't even talk about Ben without saying the doves quote. Let that be a warning to you. Say something to Joseph once and he will forever associate that phrase with you. It will become your catchphrase. You won't be able to be around him without him saying it. He's such a funny, funny boy.

More of the kids

Here are a couple of more pictures that I stole from mom.

Proof that Elle will eat anything I give her. Yes, that is a lemon she's chewing on.


Uncle Ben is funny.

What gives?

So the real question is, did Jesse totally forget that today is my birthday or is he just waiting until later to mention it?

Ben, go ahead and post your spoiler laden review of AFFC. I just won't read it because I'm desperatly hanging on to that last little shread of hope that something interesting will happen. I figure I can't be spending this much time reading about so and so's bannerman and all their families and all their coat of arms and all their friends and their families and bannerman and coat of arms for nothing. It has to pay off sometime. Right?

Kid stuff

The other day Jesse threw away an old belt of his in the bathroom trashcan. Joseph saw it and asked me what it was. I told him it was daddy's old belt and he went back to staring it at. After a minute he looked at me and said "What kind of man would throw away a perfectly good belt?"

I think Elle might turn out to be left handed. If she's sitting in her high chair with some toys on her tray she always grabs at them with her left hand. It's so cute to watch. She still hasn't mastered grabbing onto things but she tries so hard. If she manages to get her hand on something then her whole little body gets stiff and her eyes get big and she goes "Ohhhhhh ohhhhhh ohhhhh!" Almost without fail she gets so excited that she drops whatever she grabbed onto.

I'm so tired. Ben and Gwen stayed over until nearly 2 last night. We just chatted and laughed and had a good old time but now I am sleepy. I'm going to end this now because I keep making mistakes in my typing.

Post Christmas stuff

I hope everyone had a good Christmas. We did here. Joseph was (very neary) a perfect angel at the big family get together. No repeat of the Thanksgiving melt-down, thank goodness.

People seemed to like the stuff I made for the Christmas potluck. And by "people" I don't mean Jesse because he refused to try the torta I made because he doesn't like tomatoes and it had sun-dried tomato pesto in it. He's so persnikity sometimes.

Yesterday I went after-Christmas shopping and spent too much buying stuff I didn't really need. Oh well, it's only once a year and I got some really nice stuff. Jesse watched the kids for me all day so it was also a really nice break and a chance to get out of the house. I could tell Elle missed me though because she wanted to nurse non-stop after I got home. It was weird being away from her for so long. I missed her. I used to not seeing Joseph all the time since he's not in school or will spend the day with my parents but I'm not used to being away from Elle.

Ben came over for a while and had a nice time talking about his book and other random crap. It's good to have a brother that you can talk about random crap with.

Jesse's bringing home chinese food tonigh. Life is good.

For Ben

Ben,
The guys that I thought were so un-funny were two other guys that do stuff for Best Week Ever. The guys I was talking about are both named Rob and one of them is on Saturday Night Live now. The Cheap Seats guys crack me up to no end.

Th Louie Andrerson batting cage I was talking about may not have been in Disney World. Maybe it was at the Hall of Fame Museum or something. You said that you went in and pitched (or batted or something) and this voice would tell you how you did. You thought it sounded like Louie Anderson but Dad had no idea who that was. Is any of this ringing a bell?