Forever sleep*

I am 5 weeks and 1 day pregnant today.

This is the part of pregnancy where I spend most of my time struggling to stay awake and not vomit.

I look like I have a case of the swine flu and my house looks like actual swine live in it.

I'm doing the best I can but oh my god, all I want to do is sleep and cry and vomit and eat buffalo wings and then start the whole thing all over again. It's pathetic.

I'm not even trying to complain. I signed up for this. I knew that for me the early weeks are wretched. I guess I just forgot how wretched. And I'm starting to think there's more than one baby in there causing havoc with my body. At least if that's the case I'll have some kind of explanation for why my body feels this wrung out.

I would like to explore this further but for now that cracker I just ate is looking like it wants to come back up. Ugh.

*Bonus points to anyone who knows where this is from.

Four years ago today we had a bug infestation and Joseph played me like a violin.

How did Ma Ingalls do it?

When we planted this year's garden we intended for it to be a learning experience. Sure, we wanted to get some food from it but the real point was to learn by doing. And we have learned a lot from from it. Some things we learned are:

Follow the recommendations on how far apart to plant things otherwise your garden just kind of grows together in one giant mass of plantyness.

There's no such thing as a helper rabbit. There's only bean and carrot eating rabbits.

It is possible for a stalk of corn to grow without producing a single ear of corn. Bastards.

If given half a chance, pumpkins, watermelon and zucchini will happily take over your entire garden.

Gardening is really time consuming.

I'm not even joking about that last one. I vastly underestimated how much work this garden was going to be. It's not the weeding and harvesting that has surprised me, I was expecting that stuff. What I didn't think about was how much time it would take to process all of the vegetables I harvest.

I pick stuff from the garden every day. I usually get a large bowl full of veggies. I sort through what will be eaten in the next day or two and then figure out how to deal with all the rest. Peppers are put into the dehydrator, carrots are cut into sticks for snacks, pickles are made (I have made several batches of pickles this year), tomatoes are made into sauce, beans and peas are blanched and frozen for eating during the winter. On Fridays there's even more to do because I am supplementing what I'm not growing by buying stuff from the farmer's market.

For the most part I really like the garden and the over-abundance of produce. Mostly. Unfortunately I've got a good case of what I like to call the first trimester blues. Come two o'clock every day I am so exhausted that I ache. Morning sickness has started so sometimes when I chop a tomato I think I could vomit from the pure sliminess of if. I'm a little bit of a wreck and the garden seems to be serving to highlight that.

When I'm really feeling worn out though I like to pretend that I'm a frontier woman. I imagine that all that's standing between my family and starvation over the long winter months is all my hard work in the garden. Sometimes when I'm bent over the beans and my back is aching and all I want to do is go inside and lay down and watch Golden Girls I think to myself "No! I must harvest all these beans so that the children don't get scurvy this winter!" Never mind that beans don't prevent scurvy. It's my fantasy and I can grow scurvy beans if I want to. It works for me ok?

In spite of everything I think we're going to expand the garden next year. We'll lay it out better and hopefully with will be even more productive than this years. And hopefully I'll be smart enough to not be pregnant right during harvest time.

Sometimes I like to be wrong

For those of you who commented on yesterday's post suggesting I pee on a stick are a little late. I've peed on many sticks already. Many, many, many sticks. But we'll talk about my adventures in the woods another time.

For now let's answer the burning question you've come here to have answered. Am I pregnant? Well, if you didn't pick it up from yesterday's post and you don't follow me on facebook (for shame!) then you don't know the big news.

Yes, I am pregnant.

What a happy surprise. I honestly thought this batch of embryos was no good and that this transfer was not going to work. Way to be a positive thinker Jen. Good thing my sour attitude towards this was not the determining factor.

They guys are happy and excited. I'm happy and excited for them. I had told them a few days ago that I had gotten a positive pregnancy test but they were waiting for the official blood test results before they got too excited. Now they can celebrate for real.

As for me? Now I can breath a sigh for relief and wait for the answer to the next big question. How many of the little buggers are in there?

What ever could it be?

So what's going on with me?

Not much.

My boobs are huge and sore.

I get indigestion every time I eat.

I am tired.

I just can't figure out what's going on with me.

No idea at all.

Four years ago today Joseph called me a sucker.

"Woof" means "I wish the ground would swallow me up right now."

"Hey!" he shouted.

The second it was out of his mouth I knew what was coming. I froze. There was no way to stop it. My boy is an unstoppable force who has yet to meet his immovable object.

*************

It all started so innocently.

Joseph, Elle and I were in the garden picking beans. We saw that one of the neighbors who's backyard butts up against ours was building something shed-like in the corner of their yard.

"Maybe it's a tool shed." Joseph guessed.

"Maybe it's a mansion for Brutus." I suggested. Brutus is the neighbor's dog. He's about 6 inches tall.

As we headed inside the kids giggled at the idea of Brutus having his very own mansion. It quickly became The Funniest Joke Ever and I had to tell it over and over again. When they got tired of that I had to embellish the story.

What would they eat in the mansion? Pupperoni pizza. What would they call the mansion? The Puppy Party Palace. Would they have a butler? Yes, a penguin who knew how to work a pooper scooper.

Joseph seemed to start to think the dog mansion was real. "I wish I could go to the Puppy Party Palace but I'm allergic and I think they only let dogs in."

"Don't worry Joseph" I said. "I'll dress up as a dog and sneak in and let you know what it's like."

Later Joseph and I headed back out to the garden to do some weeding. Our neighbor and his friends were still hard at work on the shed. Joseph watched them work.

I was bent over a particularly weedy patch of carrots when out of the corner of my eye I saw Joseph wander over to the fence that encloses the neighbors yard.

"Hey!" he yelled.

And I froze. There was nothing else I could do.

"My mom wants to dress up like a dog and come over to play with you guys!"

I think I'm done working in my garden for the summer.

Two years ago today I went to the ER and then on bedrest.
Four years ago today Joseph was adorable.

Rabbit proof fence

We have a rabbit in our garden. I've spotted him several times now. Sometimes when I'm out working in the garden I'll spy him hopping from row to row. I'll be weeding the carrots and he'll be hiding in the beans. I'll inspect the pumpkins and he'll be cowering in the cucumbers.

We have a fence around the garden but the rabbit is able to slip in and out because he's just a baby. He's so cute and fluffy, I just don't have the heart to really try to scare him away.

Plus, he doesn't really seem to be eating anything. The only thing in the garden I've found that looks nibbled on are some weeds. So maybe this is some kind of breed of rabbit that I never knew exsisted. Like a helper rabbit.

What I worry about is that someday this rabbit will grow up and have babies and that the babies won't be so good about not eating my veggies. So I think I have to do away with the rabbit.

I don't know how to kill a rabbit though. Especially not a helper rabbit. Maybe I can just trap it and take it somewhere else. I don't even know how to do that. What do you bait a trap with when you're trying to attract a rabbit that doesn't seem to eat?

Or is the smart thing to do just wait until the rabbit has eaten so much that he can't fit out of the fence and then have myself some rabbit stew?

One year ago Jesse had some karma coming his way.
Four years ago I was very excited about fish.

My most decadent moment

I just realized I forgot to tell you all about the best moment of my trip to LA. Ok, my second best moment. All right, more like my third best moment because the transfer was neat and that has to be first and the cab ride was fun so that's second. But this is my third best moment.

Oh wait, my third best moment was at the airport when I walked by a shoeshine guy and he said "Hey baby. What you doing for the next couple of minutes?" and at first I thought he wanted to shine my shoes but then I realized I was wearing flip flops. I texted the story to everyone I knew, including my IFs because when you get hit on once every eight years you make sure to tell people about it. So that was my third best moment.

But here's the story of my fourth best moment!

The clinic had me take a Valium pre-transfer .... for some reason. I guess I don't really know why but who am I to argue. It made me sleepy mostly. When I got back to the hotel after the transfer I was hungry so I ordered some room service. When my room service came I ate it while sitting on the bed and watching Deadliest Catch. At one point I thought "Wow, I'm really tired." So I laid back and fell asleep. I woke up about 45 minutes later and realized I was still surrounded by my lunch. I shrugged and went right back to eating it.

Now you can be horrified or you can be jealous but that was the most decedent moment of my life and the fourth best moment of my trip to LA.

They like fiber in LA

Cab rides in LA are always an adventure. In all my travels there I have yet to have a cab driver that I didn't think was actively trying to kill me. My most recent trip was no exception.

On my way to the airport I was picked up by a very nice man who asked where I was from. When I told him I was from Minnesota he made it his mission to show me the sights of LA. At least those located between my hotel and the airport.

"This is Sony Pictures Studios!" he said as he gestured grandly towards a large building. "It very big. Make many, many movies here!"

"Ah, yes. I see." I murmured appreciatively.

"This is historic church! It very big! Many, many people pray here!" He took both hands off the wheel and pointed excitedly.

"Very beautiful." I responded.

"This is new mall being built. It very big. Biggest mall in LA. No have big malls like this in Minnesota!"

"Actually" I responded in my most cheerful, please-don't-kill-me-by-crashing-into-the-side-of-a-semi-truck voice "Minnesota has the biggest mall in America. In fact, it's called the Mall of America."

"Nohohohoho!" the man chuckled. "Not mall like this! This mall very big. Mall in Minnesota very, very small."

As we drove into a less grand part of town the cab doubled his efforts as impressing me. Each time he pointed something out he would use both hands to gesture towards it. It didn't matter if we were in the middle of changing lanes or turning a corner. (He would also come to a dead stop in the middle of traffic to yell to other taxi drivers that he knew. He spoke in a language I didn't recognize but it was peppered with the occasional word in English. All I could ever understand was "airport" and "flat-rate" and "hahahahahahaha!")

"Here is high school. It very big. Many, many students in this city."

"Here is museum. It very big. Many, many artists in this city."

"Here is Petco. You know Petco? For selling things for dogs? Many, many dogs in LA."

"Here is liquor store. It ... not very big. But big enough!"

By this point my appreciative mummers had turned to small shrieks of terror. As amusing as I found the man I didn't know if I was willing to die during his very special Big Things in LA Tour. By the time we were a couple of blocks from the airport I was seriously considering asking him to drop me off so that I could walk the rest of the way. We pulled up to a stoplight and I happened to glance out and see a man relieving himself on the sidewalk. I decided to stay in the cab.

And from the front seat came "Here is man taking dump on sidewalk. It very big. He eat many, many fiber."

It was the best cab ride of my life.

Three years ago today Elle crawled.
Four years ago today I thought about the differences between raising adopted and birth children and Jesse did some weird first aid for a black eye.