Monday, July 27, 2009

They like fiber in LA

Cab rides in LA are always an adventure. In all my travels there I have yet to have a cab driver that I didn't think was actively trying to kill me. My most recent trip was no exception.

On my way to the airport I was picked up by a very nice man who asked where I was from. When I told him I was from Minnesota he made it his mission to show me the sights of LA. At least those located between my hotel and the airport.

"This is Sony Pictures Studios!" he said as he gestured grandly towards a large building. "It very big. Make many, many movies here!"

"Ah, yes. I see." I murmured appreciatively.

"This is historic church! It very big! Many, many people pray here!" He took both hands off the wheel and pointed excitedly.

"Very beautiful." I responded.

"This is new mall being built. It very big. Biggest mall in LA. No have big malls like this in Minnesota!"

"Actually" I responded in my most cheerful, please-don't-kill-me-by-crashing-into-the-side-of-a-semi-truck voice "Minnesota has the biggest mall in America. In fact, it's called the Mall of America."

"Nohohohoho!" the man chuckled. "Not mall like this! This mall very big. Mall in Minnesota very, very small."

As we drove into a less grand part of town the cab doubled his efforts as impressing me. Each time he pointed something out he would use both hands to gesture towards it. It didn't matter if we were in the middle of changing lanes or turning a corner. (He would also come to a dead stop in the middle of traffic to yell to other taxi drivers that he knew. He spoke in a language I didn't recognize but it was peppered with the occasional word in English. All I could ever understand was "airport" and "flat-rate" and "hahahahahahaha!")

"Here is high school. It very big. Many, many students in this city."

"Here is museum. It very big. Many, many artists in this city."

"Here is Petco. You know Petco? For selling things for dogs? Many, many dogs in LA."

"Here is liquor store. It ... not very big. But big enough!"

By this point my appreciative mummers had turned to small shrieks of terror. As amusing as I found the man I didn't know if I was willing to die during his very special Big Things in LA Tour. By the time we were a couple of blocks from the airport I was seriously considering asking him to drop me off so that I could walk the rest of the way. We pulled up to a stoplight and I happened to glance out and see a man relieving himself on the sidewalk. I decided to stay in the cab.

And from the front seat came "Here is man taking dump on sidewalk. It very big. He eat many, many fiber."

It was the best cab ride of my life.

Three years ago today Elle crawled.
Four years ago today I thought about the differences between raising adopted and birth children and Jesse did some weird first aid for a black eye.


Stimey said...

I'm so glad I don't live somewhere where I have to take cabs a lot because I have a really hard time making small talk in moving vehicles.

Anonymous said...

That. Was priceless!!

Emily said...

That is 100% pure awesomeness.

Sam said...

I need to hop on over to LA. I love me some public dumping!

Ethan, Zach, and Emma's Mom said...

Oh.My.Lord. I think I'll stay in Wisconsin, thankyouverymuch.

Amy said...

Maybe we should move to LA--I am struggling to get my kid to eat more fiber.... hilarious.