The "I must be crazy" Chonicles - South Dakota Edition - Bear Country, USA

Bear Country, USA

There are a lot of reasons to visit Bear Country USA.  There's the bears of course.  The many, many, many bears.  More bears than you can shake a stick at.  There's the otters, the leopards, the foxes, the peacocks, the sheep, the goats.  The list just goes on and on.  I think the real reason you should visit Bear Country, USA though is to see  the autofellating raccoon.

Bear Country, USA is an attraction that you drive through.  Sort of.  You drive through part and then walk through the other part.  I can't think of a good, short way to describe it.  So I'll just continue to ramble on about it.

First you drive (on a paved path) through some large animal exhibits.  The brochure we picked up for the park promised that we would see reindeer, coyotes, bighorn sheep, wolves and more.  When I decided we would visit Bear Country, USA I imagined us sitting in our nice air conditioned car and ooohing and ahhhing in wonder as all manner of animals approached our car like we were some sort of modern day Snow Whites.

In reality our time on the wildlife loop was equally divided between the following four activities:

1. Getting annoyed at the person in front of us for stopping in the middle of the road when there were no animals around whatsoever.  Then getting more annoyed when they would see an animal (like a sheep) and then sit there for for five minutes or so just staring at it while cars piled up behind them.

2. Ignoring the annoyance of the people in the car behind us as we sat in the middle of the road for five minutes on the rare occasion we were able to spot an animal.

3. Trying to spot animals.  "Oh!  Look!  Back there behind that tree!  I think I see something!" "That's just another stick." "Yeah but it's a stick that kind of looks like a horn!"

4. Trying to get the kids to see the animals we managed to spot.  "Look kids!  Look out Elle's window!  Right now!  Hurry and look! It's walking away, hurry and look! OH MY GOD LOOK AT THE SHEEP YOU GUYS! Um... never mind, that was a stick."

I guess it's possible that the drive-through part is a little better on a day when it isn't so hot and the animals aren't all hiding out behind trees and in their air conditioned break room.  It doesn't really matter though since the real reason you do the drive through part is to see the bears.  That's right at the end and they make sure you really get your fill of bears.  There's really a lot of bears is what I'm trying to say.

When you drive into the park they warn you to NEVER open your window and I suppose that's pretty good advice but I'll admit that as we drove through the bears I was tempted to roll down my window and stick my arm our and touch a bear.  They seemed pretty harmless.  And soft!  They looked so soft.

Some of them seemed kind of bored so maybe a new arm chew toy would have livened things up for them.

But mostly they seemed happy.

Or perhaps dead.  It's really sort of hard to tell.

So to sum up the drive through portion of Bear Country, USA.

Pros: no walking involved, bears aplenty

Cons: animals appear to be able to transmogrify into sticks

The other part of Bear Country, USA is the walk through part.  You, um, walk through it.  This is where they keep the smaller animals that, without the protection of their exhibit walls, would doubtlessly leave Bear Country, USA smeared on the car tires of the park visitors.

To kick off the walking tour we had the kids pose with a statue of the park founder.  Or something.  I assume that's who it was.  I didn't really look I guess.  I just like for my kids to pose with statues of old men.

Then we went and looked at the animals.  First we saw a fox.  It was cute and bored looking and (according to Joseph) invisible.  I nearly fell into the exhibit trying to point it out to him.  I probably should not have put so much effort into it.  In the great scheme of things your dignity is probably too high a price to pay to get your son to see a tiny, uninterested looking mammal.

Then we saw a bunch of other animals that I didn't take pictures of so I no longer remember what they were.

Then we saw the bear cubs.  There were like 80 cubs and if you want to talk about things that are small and cute and soft then you should talk about bear cubs.  Because, you know, they are those things.  We were all admiring the bear cubs when I spotted one that was sort of blond.

I came to the conclusion that this bear was not only an albino but that he was also blind.

Me: Jesse!  I think that bear is blind!

Jesse: Why do you think that?

Me: I think albinos are blind.

Jesse: I don't think that's true.

Me: Well, maybe not.  I saw Powder and I don't think he was blind.  It was a really stupid movie though.  Maybe just albino animals are blind.

Jesse:  I don't think that's true either.

Me: I think it is.  I remember seeing a movie about a bunch of little baby foxes and one of them was blind and I think he was also an albino.  He died because he walked into the ocean.

Jesse: ...

Me: It was really sad but I wonder why he was even by the ocean anyway.

Jesse: Let's get you a drink of water.

Then we saw the otters.

Me: I love otters!  They're like the prairie dogs of the sea!

Jesse: These are river otters.

Me: They're like the prairie dogs of the river!

Jesse: We really need to get you out of the sun.

Me: But I just really need you to know how much I like prairie dogs!

As we were headed inside to get something to drink something caught our eye.  (Our collective eye.)  It was the summation of all things glorious and wonderful and terrible with a little bit of porny on the side.

It was a raccoon giving itself head.

Now, I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking that I'm being a dirty bird and that the raccoon was just cleaning itself.  That's what I thought too at first.  But no, after observing it for a moment I realized that this was not a cleaning session.  This was a full on, head bobbing, mouth all the way around the you-know-what tongue lashing.  As proof I offer up the following picture.  I have let the raccoon retain some of his dignity by covering up his naughty bits with a picture of a patriotic hot dog.

I made that hot dog a lot bigger than I needed to.  If you get what I'm saying.

I tried to get a better picture but it was difficult between struggling not to laugh and trying to answer Joseph's questions about what was so funny and what did I mean I would tell him when he's older and why is Daddy turning bright red?

We thought it was funny.  The raccoon's exhibit-mate didn't seem to think it was that big of a deal.  Probably because he was blind.

I have no idea why everyone in South Dakota uses lolspeak all the time.

After all that business we headed into to eh gift shop to see if they had any blowjob raccoon souvenirs.  They did not but they did have a bear skin rug.  That seemed not totally kosher given that we were in an animal "preservation" park.  Although I guess making an animal into a rug is sort of a way to preserve it.  They also had a large stuffed bear that provided Joseph with another chance to practice his acting frightened skills.

Yeah.  Can't you just feel the terror jumping off the screen?  Elle managed to look adorably terrified.

I know what you're thinking (again) but technically the bear was touching Elle so we were still following the rules.  Phew!  We were able to retain our asshole status.

Having seen everything Bear Country, USA had to offer we decided it was time on to move on to some decidedly less cuddly animals.  Stick around because next time we visit with some snakes and Joseph makes a questionable fashion statement.  And, as always, flickr holds the key to more picturey goodness.

One year ago today google hurt my feelings.
Two years ago today I hated a commercial.
Three years ago today I liked Deadliest Catch.

The "I must be crazy" Chonicles - South Dakota Edition - Mount Rushmore

Mount Rushmore

Mount Rushmore is a "cannot miss" attraction during your visit to South Dakota.  I mean, you can try to skip it if you want to but I'm pretty sure that if you do biker gangs will track you down and force you to see it.  By the way, bikers LOVE South Dakota.  I'm not sure why but we ran into gangs of them where ever we went in South Dakota.  Maybe biker gangs like Free Ice Water.

Our drive To Mount Rushmore was very interesting mostly because we got lost.  Ok, I'll admit it.  I got lost.  I was driving and in spite of 47 million signs pointing the way to Mount Rushmore I managed to drive in the exact opposite direction of where we needed to go.  In my defense, at a crucial turn I was distracted by a man on the side of the road carving a log into the shape of a bear with a chainsaw.  I mean, he was using a chainsaw to do it.  He wasn't carving a bear holding a chainsaw.  Although that also would have been very distracting.

Once we starting seeing signs directing us to Wall Drug we realized we were going the wrong way and turned back around.  I may have cried a little bit.  Remember, pregnancy + naturally emotional personality = crazy person crying because when she drives past the bear carving guy he's just sitting there eating a sandwich and not carving.

Once we got to Mount Rushmore I scored an awesome parking spot in the parking garage.  I considered sending out postcards that said "Wish you were here ... to admire my parking spot!" 

Then we started the long walk up to to monument viewing area.

From about this point on Jesse demanded total silence from the kids.  I think he wanted them to appreciate the majesty and the beauty of Rushmore.  Or maybe he had heatstroke and he thought we were in a library.  Who knows?  We were no longer speaking at this point.

Of course I have the two most talkative children on the planet and they chattered all the way up the hill.  The best part was when Elle yelled "I tooted and my dress go-ed up in the back!"  The other best part was when Joseph kept whining that he couldn't see anything and why were we even here and oh my god, why didn't we realize he needed glasses?  I think this next picture nicely captures the general mood of the moment once we got to the top of the hill.

Because I am an awesome wife I tried to get the kids into the spirit that Jesse wanted them to be in and to be patriotic and stand with their hands over their hearts.  Elle asked for clarification on which hand to use.

While I was showing her what to do Joseph laid down on the ground.  "Knock it off and put your hand over your heart!" I snapped.  Even the tourists around us complied.

I kid about the majesty of Rushmore but it actually is fairly impressive.

Old dead white guys in the house! There's George Washington!

Thomas Jefferson!

Abraham Lincoln!

Three things you need to know about Lincoln.  1. He is sporting a major Conan O'Brian pompadour.  2. Is it just me or does he not look totally done? Like the sculptors got about mid-cheek and said "Eh, good enough."  3. Joseph was obsessed with Lincoln.  He had heard there was a secret room inside Lincoln's head and he would not let the subject drop.  He wanted into that room.  He would not stop talking about it.  Finally he asked a Rushmore employee if there was a secret room in Lincoln's head.  I stood behind him and made frantic "NO!" gestures.  This woman happened to be gesture-interpretation- challenged.  "Oh yeah" she said "but it's mostly just used to store fireworks and stuff."  Thank you lady.  The only thing that would have made that answer worse was if she had said "Oh yeah.  The Super Mario Brothers live back there and they have 8 billion Legos and also unlimited Nestle Crunch bars and sometimes Violet from The Incredibles stops by."

Eventually Joseph stopped crying over not being allowed to go in the room.  And Elle stopped crying over Joseph crying.  And I stopped crying over having such easily crushed kids.  And Jesse agreed to be within a 100 foot radius again. Anyway...

Teddy Roosevelt!

We were all confused about what was going on with Teddy's head here.  Elle thought he was wearing a hat.  Joseph said "What face?  What are you talking about?  What's on his head?  Huh?"  Because I knew Lincoln had a head full of pyrotechnics I thought it might have had something to do with a fireworks display but I also liked Elle's hat theory.

As we stood and admired Rushmore I started to notice that people around us were eating ice cream.  Yes, I had wicked all-day sickness and yes, we were in front of America's most famous monument but I wasn't going to not notice ice cream.  I wanted that ice cream.  So I told Jesse "Let's get some ice cream!  It's like a thing that people do, getting ice cream at Rushmore."

It didn't take much to convince Jesse.  It was (as far as I can recall) 147 degrees out that day.  I had also spent most of the trip refusing to eat (thanks morning sickness) so when I expressed an interest in food Jesse was all over it.

We waited in line for 47 hours for that ice cream and it cost us $47.  I chose mint chocolate chip aka neon green frozen milk with brown wax chunks.  Elle chose chocolate soft serve.

 Joseph chose cookies and cream and decided that instead of eating it he would smear it all over his face and absorb it via osmosis.

 I don't remember what Jesse got because we were still not speaking at this time.  Probably some cranky old man flavor like butter pecan.

But as the time passed and we ate more ice cream we all calmed down and chilled out.  The ice cream made us get along!  It had magic powers!  We started to have fun!  Once we were done eating we decided to hit the gift shop.  Still high on ice cream I offered to buy Joseph a souvenir.  He yelled "I want a giant eraser!  Why don't they have giant erasers?  All this other stuff is crappy!"

Then we left Mount Rushmore.  As we left I got a tear in my eye.  Maybe it was the patriotism, maybe it was the sadness at leaving a beloved national monument.  Maybe I didn't want to give-up that sweet ass parking spot.  Whatever it was, it made Jesse mutter "Jesus, did you see another bear carver eating a sandwich?"

That's all for now!  As always, visit flickr for more pictures and be sure to stay tuned because next time we visit Bear Country and see and a raccoon do things that one should not mention in mixed company.

One year ago today we had a Slip n Slide.

Two years ago today I took Joseph to a crack barn.

The "I must be crazy" Chonicles - South Dakota Edition - Crazy Horse

Crazy Horse

Here's what I can tell you about the Crazy Horse museum and monument.  The place is huge.  And I know you're thinking "Duh, it's a mountain.  Of course it's huge!" but I'm not talking about the mountain.  I'm talking about the museum.  Every time you think you've seen everything there's another hallway or stairway or door leading to another giant wing full of Native American artifacts.  It was fascinating and I'll always remember it as a very special place where Elle spent most of the time asleep, Jesse spent most of the time in the bathroom and I spent most of the time trying to find a place to sit down for few a minutes.

 Joseph was the only one who really seemed to enjoy the museum the way it was meant to be enjoyed.

You know what? I'm lying.  I told him to go and look in that case so that I could take a picture of him.  I wanted some kind of proof that the kids had enjoyed the Very Educational Opportunities that this vacation had provided them.

Mostly though this vacation really provided us with the opportunity to stand in front of things and get our picture taken.

And to look awkward.  If I had a nickle for every time I said "No you guys!  I said a nice smile!" I would have enough money to finance the completion of Crazy Horse on my own.

The part of Crazy Horse that the kids liked best was the place where you could put some money in a donation box and then pick out a rock.  Not just any rock, mind you.  A rock that had been blasted off the monument.  To my nearest recollection, the rock selection took about, oh, infinity.  In fact, if you were to go to Crazy Horse today the kids would still be there picking out their rocks.

The kids would pick out their rocks and then look at each other's rocks and then one of them would decide that the other one had a "better" rock and would have to select a new one prompting the other one to decide that they wanted a "better" rock as well.  It just went on and on and on.  But at least we managed to get the two very best rocks ever!

Fun Fact: "Go stand next to each other inside that tepee and look at me." is a physically impossible task to perform.  At least according to these little buggers.

I didn't get a lot of pictures at Crazy Horse.  This was partly due to the fact that I was lugging around a sleeping Elle most of the time we were there and partly to the fact we were rushing through the museum at a high rate of speed as we tried see everything they had and partly to the fact that I was in a pissy mood because Jesse didn't believe me when I told him the Post Office in the information center was a real, operational Post Office.  He thought it was like, I don't know, a display Post Office or something.  Because that makes sense.

As we were leaving Crazy Horse I managed to get a few nice shots of Crazy Horse.

I got this one while Jesse was performing his husbandly duty of Getting The Car.  Throughout the whole trip Jesse very considerately dropped me off and picked me up right near doors.  At time I thought he was just being nice because I was miserable and riddled with morning sickness.  In retrospect he probably just wanted to get away from me for a few minutes.  Those few stolen moments alone in parking lots probably saved his sanity during that trip.

As we drove away from Crazy Horse we caught a glimpse of George Washington.  He looked concerned.  He had every reason to be.  We were headed his way. Next up, Mt Rushmore!  As always, there are more pictures to be found on flickr.  Smile nice!

One year ago today our dishwasher was broken.
Four years ago today Joseph liked Double dare and my dad left the funniest comment this blog has ever received.

The "I must be crazy" Chronicles - South Dakota Edition - Wall Drug

Wall Drug

Wall Drug started as a simple drug store.  A young couple purchased it in 1931 and sturggled for a few years to make a go of it.  They very nearly lost the business but then one of them came up with the bright idea of offering people free ice water to attract more customers.  Soon travlers were coming in droves from the nearby highway to get some free ice water.  I guess people were easier to impress in the 1930's.

Now Wall Drug is a major tourist atrraction in South Dakota.  There are signs for it every 2.3 miles on the highway.  You cannot go to South Dakota without going to Wall Drug.  It's like a law.

And why would you want to miss it?  It's a wonderful place!  In one stop you can fulfill your lifetime quota of tacky photo ops and chintzy, over prices souvenirs.  And don't forget the free ice water!

We stopped there twice.

The first thing you see when you walk into Wall Drug are these old westernish looking statues.  These have been there forever.  I have pictures of myself at Elle's age with these statues.  I thought it would be a neat thing to do to get pictures of the kids with the statues.  Two problems.  1. Joseph did NOT want to be in Wall Drug.  In fact, I believe the words "Why would I want to go here?  It's just a stupid wall and a stupid drug and drugs are bad!  What?  Are you saying you want me to use drugs now?" were muttered.  Or yelled. 2. There was a giant tour group of old people there at the same time as us.  This whole area was full of pushy old people trying to cram into the tiny Wall Drug chapel (of course there's a chapel) to sing Amazing grace.  They didn't care that a family was trying to take pictures.  They wanted their grace dammit!

Luckily Joseph got over his distaste for the whole excursion pretty quickly.  In fact, he really like the next statue.

They're to be married in the fall.

Jesse like the statues too.

I told Jesse to pose with the statue.  I guess he thought I said "Go proposition that statue."

Outside of Wall Drug is a big courtyard with lots of things you can stand in front of or sit on and get your picture taken.  The kids decided they wanted their picture taken with every single thing in the courtyard.  I said that was ok but I needed to get something to eat first.  We went to the Wall Drug restaurant.  Once we were seated my morning sickness kicked in and I decided that I didn't want anything to eat after all.  This irrtated Jesse mightily and we nearly came to blows arguing over whether I should eat or not.  In the end we compromised and I sat there feeling queasy while Joseph ate a donut.

Then it was back out to the courtyard!

Here's brave pioneer Elle getting ready to head west.  She's clutching a bracelet made of rocks.  A bracelet that she somehow managed to lose in the car approximately five minutes after we left Wall Drug.

The kids really enjoyed posing in these vaguely culturally insensitive cut out thingies.  Here they are posing as members of the OhMyGodYou'reSoPale DoYouLiveUndergroundOrSomething tribe.

Here Elle plays the part of a pioneer and Joseph plays the part of Chief Hitler.

For this picture I told Joseph "Act like you're on the back of a train!"  I don't know what I expected him to do.  This I guess.

I wanted to get a picture of Elle on the back of this (fake) horse but Jesse wasn't having it.  He was certain that if he put her up there she would fall off and hit her head.  (It's a major fear of his.)  We compromised.  Elle would sit on the horse.  I would take the picture.  He would act as a spotter in case she got the sudden urge to fling herself head first onto the ground.

Even though you can't tell by looking at him, Joseph really liked this Mt Rushmore sculputre.  It's a good thing too since this would be the best view he would get of Mt Rushmore.  Oh, we went to Mt Rushmore later in the trip but this was before he got glasses and he's since told me that he thought the real Mt Rushmore was just a rock.  He couldn't see the faces on it!  And somehow I didn't realize he needed glasses!  Awesome!

I kept demanding the Jesse get in the pictures.  I wanted to be able to look back someday and say "Oh, look what a fun vacation we had as a family!  Look at us all together!"  Too bad I forgot to get a single picture of myself while we were there.

Joseph always mocks Jesse because until very recently he (Jesse) thought jackalopes were real.  No, seriously.  Joseph is not pretending to be a rodeo rider in this picture.  He's screaming with laughter.  I wish I had thought to take a picture of Jesse's face.  It would best be described as NOT AMUSED.

Wall Drug still has free ice water.  Sort of.  There's a fountain outside where you can get get a paper cup full of water.  My plan was to get a picture of each member of the family enjoying the world famous Free Ice Water.

That didn't happen.  I think it's because we did not actually enjoy the water.  Wall Drug likes to talk a lot about their Free Ice Water.  It's an odd advertisement but I guess it's better than the truth.  Tepid Water That Tastes Like It's Been Used To Wash Balls doesn't really have the same ring to it.  Elle was the only one to actually drink the ball water, the rest of us threw ours away.  Then we went inside to watch the mechanical band play "Riders on the Storm".  I took a bunch of pictures of the mechanical band but then I got sad because they all looked like stroke victims so I deleted them all.

That concludes our time at Wall Drug.  Stay tuned for the next installment in The "I must be crazy" Chronicles - Crazy Horse!  And if you enjoyed my pictures you can find more on flickr.

Two years ago today I saw the grossest thing ever at a wedding reception.