Don't touch my babies

I know that I'm biased but I think Joseph is a really awesome kid. He's funny and sweet and smart and interesting. It's not just me who says that though! Most people who know him feel the same way. All of his therapists have really liked him. His teachers have all loved him. My family (for the most part) is crazy about him. So it's always a little bit of a suprise for me when I come across someone who doesn't like him. I'll never understand it but apparently some people are immune to Joseph's many charms.

When Joseph was three he and I took a parent/child class at the same school where Elle and I now go. The teacher in the class really, really didn't like Joseph. The fact is that he and never cared for her much either but I always wondered what in the heck a baby could have done to make this woman dislike him so much.

During the time we were in this class we were also starting some initial assesments of Joseph through the school district. This teacher was asked to fill out some forms about him and when I saw her answers I was livid. She made him sound like a holy terror who was mean to other kids and rude to teachers. It didn't fit in at all with what every other teacher who knew him said. Across the board they all said he was a smart, polite little boy who seemed to prefer playing on his own and occasionaly engaged in repetative behavior. Her answers were so out of whack that the person who compiled all the data said that this one teachers answers should not be considered in the final analysis because they appeared to be based on a personality conflict and did not truly express Joseph's personality.

I don't know if she got ahold of that report or what but as soon as it came out I noticed a real change in her demnor towards me. Where before she had been unfriendly and cold now she be was downright rude. Whenever she saw me she would shoot me a nasty glare and then move away from me. No skin off my nose since, as I said, I didn't really like her but this continued for a long time. Joseph had two years of preschool at this school (not with this teacher) and we always seemed to run into each other in the hallway.

Now that Elle and I have started going to this school together I've been running into this same nasty lady. I actually made an attept at a friendly smile the first time I saw her but all I got back was the same mean glare. Whatever lady, I don't like you either but I wasn't going to be such a bitch about it.

Yesterday when Elle and I were at school yesterday we were informed that there was going to be a fire drill. We were told that when the bell went off we should grab our kids and their coats and head out to the sidewalk in front of the school. Pretty simple right?

So the bell goes off, I grab Elle ("What that sound?") and her coat and we go out to the sidewalk. Once we're on the sidewalk I move off to the side and set Elle down so that I can put her coat on. We're standing well out of the way and a good 100 feet away from the school itself. All of the sudden the nasty faced teacher herself comes barreling down the sidewalk yelling "Clear out of the way! Keep moving down! Don't block the way of the fire fighters."

Um. Ok. First off, no one is blocking anyone's way. Second, what fire fighters? The ones that won't be coming since this is just a drill and not an actual fire?

Nasty faced teacher keeps waddling down the sidewalk, waving her arms and yelling about people blocking the way. When she gets to Elle and I she puts her hands on Elle's shoulders and tries to physcially move her.

Oh no. I don't think so. You don't get to put your hands on my kid even if it is for a really important reason (like to free up the 1/2 inch of space we were taking up that belonged to the imaginary fire fighters).

I snapped my head up to look at her and said "Oh cool it! I'll move after I put her coat on!" I enjoyed the flustered look on her face for one split second before turning back to Elle and finishing up with her coat. I gave her a big hug, scooped her up and then deliberatly moved one over one step. The nasty teacher turned on her heel and started yelling at other people to move. Elle and I smiled at each other until I realized all the other parent/child classers we standing there watching me and had seen me snap at the teacher. None of them looked to impressed.

Something tells me that Elle and I won't be invited to any after school playdates any time soon. Oh well. Bitch shouldn't be touching my kid.

I wonder if Adoption Guy likes airplane peanuts?

Ok, I'm having a hard time with the parent/child classes. I go because Elle really likes it but I fricken hate it. I can acknoledge that this is totally my own issue and my own fault. If everyone in the class is getting along great except for me then I can accept that I'm the one with the problem. But I don't know how to fix it and I don't know how to make it easier so I just have to suck it up and tough it out.

See, the thing is that I actually like a couple of the moms in the class. Some of them seem really nice. The problem in the class is not with them, it's with Adoption Guy and that fact that everyone else in the class seems to think that Adoption Guy is just as awesome as he claims to be. I don't understand this. How does everyone else hear this guy say the same things I hear him saying and not think he's a total jackass? Even the mother who a few weeks ago seemed to dislike this guy now seems to think he's the neatest thing since sliced bread.

Last week I was talking with two of the other mothers in the class about potty training. It was a nice discussion and I felt like the three of us had a nice give and take going. All of the sudden Adoption Guy swaggers, plops down in the chair next to me and says (and I swear to god this is true but I know no one will beleive me) "You know, a lot of times when kids are first adopted they get constipated from the stress. So when we adopted M she was......."

I got up and walked away. It took everything in me not to scream "You know who else gets consitpated? Every other kid in the world! It's something that happens! It's not all about the damned adoption!"

When I looked back at where I had been I was disgusted to see that pretty much every other parent in the class was now listening to this guy with looks of awe and admiration on their faces. They really cared about his constipation story! I was in shock. No one looked bored or annoyed or bothered at all. It was just me. I just don't get it.

Today during the parent discussion part of class we were talking about travling with kids. Guess what story Adoption Guy told. Yeah, how he and his wife had to take a 17 hour flight when they went to adopt their daughter. We heard every damned detail of the whole trip. What shots they had to get, what food they ate, what the hotel they stayed in was like, it just didn't stop. I know for a fact that I was openly giving this guy a "what the fuck?" face about halfway through his story but I didn't even care anymore. Come on! The topic of the day was "travling with kids" not "what Adoption Guy thought of the room service at the hotel he stayed at when he went to adopt his daughter".

So why is it just me? Why am I the only one who seems to have a problem with this guy when everyone else seems to think he's nifty neato keen? And why can't I get past it? I think that part of it might be that I'm offended on behalf of this little girl who's father likes to wave her adoption around like some kind of major award. Part of it is that I just don't like blowhards. I have to accept thought that part of it is just me and my inablity to just relax and let things go.

I need to find a way to get over it or this guy is going to ruin the whole class for me. How in the world do I do that?

Mama doesn't give a crap if you're mad

I don't feel like I'm really able to relate to the other parents in my and Elle's parent/child class. I'm the only person in the class who has a child older than the one enrolled in the class. I don't know if this helps to explain why all the other parents seem so uptight. They all talk about power struggles and temper tantrums and how sometimes their kids just drive them crazy. I feel like I never have anything to contribute to these conversations. When it's my turn to talk I almost always end up saying things like "I really don't have a problem with any of that stuff."

I know it makes me seem like I think I'm a superior parent but that's really not the way it is. It's just that when it comes to tantrums and power struggles I just try not to sweat the small stuff. Today in class we were talking about power struggles again and when it was my turn to talk I said "I try to avoid even getting into power struggles all together. If Elle's mad at me because I put white socks on her and she wants red socks then I give in and give her what she wants. If she's mad at me because she doesn't want to be buckled in her car seat, well then, I'm a lot bigger than her and one way or another she's getting buckled into that car seat. Some things can be debated but others obviously can't."

One of the other parents looked suprised and said "But what if she gets mad at you?" Three others echoed "Yeah, what if she gets mad?" I paused for longer than I probably should have as I thought "Are they for real? That cannot be a serious question can it?" Finally I slowly responded with "Um ..... Then she gets mad at me." It was all I could do to keep from adding "Duh!" at the end.

Maybe it's just me but I don't consider it my job to keep my kids from getting mad at me. I mean, of course I don't want them to be mad at me and I would love it if they were happy all the time but that just ain't gonna happen. I have to accept that sometimes I'm going to piss them off. I don't think you can be a very effective parent if you're walking around afriad that you might make your child mad.

I don't think it's such a bad thing for Elle to be mad at me once in a while. She's learning her own mind and figuring out how to assert herself. Hopefully she's learning that sometimes she'll be able to get what she wants and sometimes she'll have to go along with what someone else says. And if I'm being totally honest I have to admit that I find Elle's temper tantrums a little bit cute. Her little face gets red and her little back arches and she does her best to squeeze out a tear or two. I find it adorable.

What do you think? Do you have to keep your child happy all the time? Can power struggles ever be "won" or have you already lost by just getting into them? What in the hell is up with the goofy ideas some of the other parents in the class have?

Did someone mention adoption?

I don't like know-it-alls. Well, let me clarify that. I don't like certain kinds of know-it-alls. I don't mind people that really do know it all and have interesting things to say. I don't mind know-it-alls like myself who sit back and quietly think "I know more about this than anyone here but I also know enough to know that not everyone wants to hear every single thing that pops into my head". The know-it-alls I can't stand are the ones who think they know it all and when they sense that they're around someone who knows less than them it makes them feel all puffed up and important. I've found though that if you give this type of know-it-all enough rope they will almost always hang themselves.

One of the dads in the parent/child class Elle and I go to is one of these obnoxious know-it-all types. He seems to consider himself the expert on all things relating to adoption. His daughter is adopted and that seems to be all he wants to talk about. I heard him bring it up 7 times in the first hour of class. And no, I am not exaggerating at all. It makes me a little uncomfortable. Don't get me wrong. I think adoption is wonderful and it's ok to talk about it. But when it becomes more about the adoption and less about the child, it makes me very uneasy. A lot of people that we have known for a while don't even know that Joseph is adopted. It's not because we hide it but because we don't relate everything about him back to the fact that he's adopted.

This guy though...... I don't know. I feel like he's showing off. He seems more interested in filling everyone in on all the aspects of raising an adopted child than he is actually raising his child. Today his daughter had a poopy diaper for nearly an hour and he never even noticed. He was too busy blathering to anyone who would listen (or rather, anyone who found themselves unable to escape). Finally another mother and I clued him in to the fact that his kid needed to be changed by making a big show of checking our own kids diapers right in front of him and saying lots of things like "Uh-oh! I think someone is poopy!"

During parent discussion time we were talking about mealtime difficulties. Mr Adoption decided to fill the group in on how feeding an adopted child is different than feeding any other child. He said "One thing that anyone involved with adoption will tell you is to always eat with your children. Every expert we talked to has said that it doesn't matter if you adopt your child when they're 10 days or 10 years old. You never let them eat alone. Eating together is a good way bond so if you have an adopted child you always eat with them, even at snack times. That's just how it is with an adopted child."

I tried to disguise the look of disgust on my face and I turned to him and said "I've never heard that. I have a son who's adopted and I've never once heard or read that we should eat with him every time he eats. I think we're pretty bonded even though he sometimes eats snacks on his own."

Adoption guy backpedaled like crazy and claimed that's just what his family did and not every child needed that even though just 30 seconds ago he had claimed that exactly. I don't think he thought there were any other parents there with adopted children. (And why would he? I hadn't mentioned it 50 times at that point.) He probably thought it was safe to play the all knowing adoption expert because no one would be able to refute what he was saying. I also think I probably came across a little rude but I was just grossed out by listening to this guy and his weird adoption fixation.

After the class one of the other mothers and I were talking and she said she was glad I said something. It seems that she and a couple of other people in the class are sick of this guy too. We agreed that if one of us noticed the other getting cornered by the guy we would try and help each other out. It's nice to have someone like-minded in the class with me. It's nice to know that not everyone thinks this guy is the bees knees. Just knowing that I'm not alone in my dislike of him makes him a little easier to bear.

But he's still a dope.

Edited to add: Just to be clear, if this guy really thinks that siting with his daughter every time a bite of food goes into her mouth will help them be more bonded than more power to him. I think it's kind of a goofy theory but it doesn't bother me at all that that is what he believes. What bothered me was the way he said it. "Everyone who knows anything knows that this is the way it is and if you don't eat with your child every time they eat then they will grow up to hate you and adoption adoption adoption adoption and my daughter is adopted!"

Hi sweetie!

Elle and I had our first day of parent/child school today. Every Wednesday for the next 19 weeks we'll go to "school" for 2 hours in the morning. Elle really seemed to enjoy herself. I think her favorite part was snack time. All the parents sat in a circle for discussion time and all the kids sat at a table and had crackers and watermelon. She really got a kick out of having snack with the other kids. She kept standing up and calling "Mama! I have snack! I eating! Fun! Mama! I have lunch!" It was very cute.

Even cuter though was when she came running over after snack to check in with me. She hugged me and said "Hi sweetie!" Awwwwww. Couldn't you just eat her up.

Of course classes like this do have their drawbacks. Everything like this that I've ever done with one of my kids seems to have at least one stupid parent in it. This appears that it will continue that streak. I had to bite my tounge a couple times during discussion when some of the other parents were asking things like "My kid will only eat a bite of dinner and then they'll ask for dessert. I always give it to her. Should I do that?" I don't want to seem like a know-it-all but come on! Logic! Common sense! Those things go a long way in parenting!

I'm the only parent in the class who has an older child (than the one enrolled in the class) so I'll just have to try and remember that parenting is a learning process and I didn't know it all back then either (I still don't!) and I probably asked my fair share of stupid questions once too. That will help me to not blurt out things like "Are you kidding me!?!?"

Even worse than the know-nothing parents are the know-it-alls. Specifically two stay-at-home-dads in the class who both seem to think they've learned everything there is to know about parenting. Neither of them is afraid to spout of long lectures about any petty little subject. They'll help me to. I don't want to come off like one of those guys.

So Elle and I will both learn something in school during the next 19 weeks. She'll learn how to drink out of a regular cup (she dumped hers out several time during snack time) and I'll learn to button it up sometimes.