My lovely lady lumps

"Your breasts are really lumpy and fibrous." The health care provider stared down her nose at me, waiting for a response.

"Um...... Thank you?" I tentatively offered.

"No!" She snapped. "That's a bad thing! You need to do monthly self-exams and really get to know your breasts. You need to learn what lumps are there now so that you'll know if you get a new lump."

Monthly self-exams? The mere acreage involved made that a daunting prospect. But on top of that I had to get to know my lumps? How in the hell was I supposed to tell the difference between a bad lump and a plain old "no really, my boobs are supposed to look like that" lump? Rather than question the good doctor I just promised to do monthly self-exams like a good, fibrous girl.

The doctor smiled. "Good." She said. "Now put your shirt back on. There's no reason to strip before getting a flu shot."

Recently there has been some controversy about how effective self-exams really are preventing deaths from breast cancer. When I first heard this I was pleased. Maybe it meant I could stop doing them! But then I researched a little more and discovered that the results of the study aren't all that clear. I hope that anyone who considers not doing self-exams because of this study really takes the time to research it.

I still do self-exams but I don't do them on a monthly basis. I never have. I am a chronic putter-offer and that's just one more thing that gets added to the "eh, I'll do it later" list. At this point, if nothing else, I need to reacquaint myself with my breasts. Two pregnancies, a year plus of nursing and four weeks of pumping have changed the landscape of my breasts. (It's also made them migrate a lot closer to my knees but that's neither relevant nor something anyone needs to know.) I need to get to know them and their lumpy ways again so that even if I don't do monthly exams I'll still be able to spot something really unusual or different.

So what about you? Do you do monthly self-exams? Do you think you should do them but somehow never get around to it? Do you think it's a total waste of time? Am I the only one with fibrous breasts? Don't I look cute in manga form?