My lovely lady lumps

"Your breasts are really lumpy and fibrous." The health care provider stared down her nose at me, waiting for a response.

"Um...... Thank you?" I tentatively offered.

"No!" She snapped. "That's a bad thing! You need to do monthly self-exams and really get to know your breasts. You need to learn what lumps are there now so that you'll know if you get a new lump."

Monthly self-exams? The mere acreage involved made that a daunting prospect. But on top of that I had to get to know my lumps? How in the hell was I supposed to tell the difference between a bad lump and a plain old "no really, my boobs are supposed to look like that" lump? Rather than question the good doctor I just promised to do monthly self-exams like a good, fibrous girl.

The doctor smiled. "Good." She said. "Now put your shirt back on. There's no reason to strip before getting a flu shot."

Recently there has been some controversy about how effective self-exams really are preventing deaths from breast cancer. When I first heard this I was pleased. Maybe it meant I could stop doing them! But then I researched a little more and discovered that the results of the study aren't all that clear. I hope that anyone who considers not doing self-exams because of this study really takes the time to research it.

I still do self-exams but I don't do them on a monthly basis. I never have. I am a chronic putter-offer and that's just one more thing that gets added to the "eh, I'll do it later" list. At this point, if nothing else, I need to reacquaint myself with my breasts. Two pregnancies, a year plus of nursing and four weeks of pumping have changed the landscape of my breasts. (It's also made them migrate a lot closer to my knees but that's neither relevant nor something anyone needs to know.) I need to get to know them and their lumpy ways again so that even if I don't do monthly exams I'll still be able to spot something really unusual or different.

So what about you? Do you do monthly self-exams? Do you think you should do them but somehow never get around to it? Do you think it's a total waste of time? Am I the only one with fibrous breasts? Don't I look cute in manga form?

Pointless survey II

Because I'm bored:

1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT? I have one on my knee from a roller skating accident from when I was a kid.
2. WHAT ARE ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM? Paint, pictures of the kids and a spider.
3. WHAT DOES YOUR MOBILE LOOK LIKE? My mobile?
4. WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LIKE TO LISTEN TO? A little of everything except rap or heavy metal
5. WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO WHEN YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO? Watch movies from Netflix, add movies to my Netflix queue, organize my Netflix Queue.
6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING? A bigger house.
7. WHAT DO YOU MISS AT TIMES? Friends from high school.
8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION? I don't know if I have one.
9. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE SMELL? Freshly baked chocolate chip cookies.
10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC? Sometimes.
11. IF YOU DIED TOMORROW: That's not a question.
12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY? I don't know.
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE COLOGNE? Um....
14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX? Short.
15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF PROPOSING TO SOMEONE? Given that I'm married? No where.
16. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD? Jesse.
17. DO YOU SPEAK ANOTHER LANGUAGE? Es-Yeah.
18. WHAT WAS THE FIRST GIFT SOMEONE EVER GAVE YOU (OF THE OPPOSITE SEX)? I think I got a teddy bear from my dad when I was born.
19. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING? Leaving where? Like to the store or leaving for good? What the hell kind of survey is this?
20. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU? With words.
21. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED: 99
22. WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL OFTEN? My parent's house.
23. WHAT ANNOYS YOU THE MOST? Inconsiderate people.
24. HAVE YOU EVER DONE A PRANK CALL? I don't think so.
25. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED OUT THIS SURVEY? Nursing Elle.
26. IF YOU COULD GET PLASTIC SURGERY, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Breast reduction.
27. WHY DID YOU FILL OUT THIS SURVEY? Because I'm bored I guess.
28. WHAT DO YOU LIKE ON YOUR PIZZA? Canadian bacon and pineapple.
29. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF ALCOHOL BECAME ILLEGAL? Take up smoking pot?
30. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY? Money.
31. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF IT SUDDENLY STARTED RAINING BLOOD? Never go outside again.
32. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? I don't think so.
33. DO YOU WISH ON STARS? Yes, but it's never done me a bit of good.
34. WHICH FINGER[S] IS YOUR FAVORITE? I guess the one with the diamond on it.
35. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? Friday night.
36. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? No, I write like a boy.
37. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE LUNCH MEAT? Salami.
38. ANY BAD HABITS? I'll answer that later.
39. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING CD ON THE SHELF? That Disney CD with a song by Raven Symone.
40. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Yes, I'm awesome.
41. HAVE YOU EVER TOLD A SECRET YOU SWORE NOT TO TELL? Yes.
42. DO LOOKS MATTER? Not in the great scheme of things.
43. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER? I get up on my high horse and rant and rave about people who aren't as good as me.
44. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME? Disney World.
45. DO YOU TRUST OTHERS EASILY? Family, yes. Other people, no. Look at me, I'm Tony Soprano all of the sudden!
46. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD? Barbies.
47. WHAT CLASS IN SCHOOL DO YOU THINK IS TOTALLY USELESS? Home Ec.
48. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? I have a blog.
49. DO YOU USE SARCASM? No, everytime I talk I mean exactly what I say.
50. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A MOSH PIT? No.
51. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GIRL? I.... don't know.
52. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES? I have none! Boo hoo!
53. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Sure, why not?
54. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? No time for that in my fast paced life.
55. DO YOU THINK THAT YOU HAVE STRONG POINTS? Yes.
56. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOUR? Chocolate chip cookie dough.
57. WHAT IS YOUR SHOE SIZE? 10.
58. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVOURITE COLOURS? Green.
59. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE? None, I had them all cut out.
60. WHO DO YOU MISS MOST RIGHT NOW? Denile.
61. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS? Yes, please call me with you answers ASAP!
62. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Some New Age crap on TV.
63. LAST THING YOU ATE? Part of a Hershey's Special Dark bar.
64. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Someone from the local summer youth program.
65. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX? That they're men.
66. HOW ARE YOU TODAY? I'm good, how are you?
67. FAVOURITE DRINK? Regular Dr Pepper.
68. FAVOURITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? I don't know, something fruity probably.
69.WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE SPORT? Baseball.
70. HAIR COLOUR? Brown with blond and reddish highlights.
71. EYE COLOUR? Kind of greenish hazel.
72. DO YOU WEAR GLASSES? I do when I don't have my contacts in.
73. SIBLINGS? One younger brother.
74. FAVOURITE MONTH? April I guess.
75. FAVOURITE FOOD? Chocolate chip cookies. God, how many questions has that been the answer to now?
76. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Skeleton Key. Stupid!
77. FAVOURITE DAY(S) OF THE YEAR? Weekends.
78. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT? I did it a couple of times back in my single days.
79. SUMMER OR WINTER? It's summer right now.
80. HUGS OR KISSES? Hugs.
81. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE-NIGHT STANDS? Relationship. Don't be a whore.
82. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING RIGHT NOW? About 5 different ones. I'm about 4 pages away from the end of AFFC.
83. WHAT’S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Mickey Mouse.
84. FAVOURITE BOARD GAME? Hotels.
85. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? Hell's Kitchen.
86. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE? I wonder if I'll get to take a long-ass survey that has a bunch of strange questions and ends abruptly?

Pointless survey

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:Jennifer
Birthday:April 20, 1977, same as Hitler and Sandy Duncan
Birthplace: St Cloud, MN
Current Location: Waite Park, MN
Eye Color: greenish brown
Hair Color: Dark brown
Height: about 6 feet
Right Handed or Left Handed: right
The Shoes You Wore Today: slip on tennis shoes
Your Weakness: Chocolate!
Your Fears:bees, heights and driving next to big trucks on the highway
Your Perfect Pizza: buffalo chicken without too much hot sauce
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: Find a part time job (aim high!)
Thoughts First Waking Up: "Why is Joseph jumping on my head?"
Your Best Physical Feature: uhhhhhh
Your Bedtime: Whenever I'm tiredd
Pepsi or Coke: Dr Pepper
MacDonalds or Burger King: Fast food is evil!
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Tea is gross
Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate
Cappuccino or Coffee:I hate coffee in all it's forms
Do you Smoke: no
Do you Swear: not in front of my mom or my children
Do you Sing: not in front of anyone but my kids
Do you Shower Daily: almost
Have you Been in Love:Yes
Do you want to go to College: Someday
Do you belive in yourself: No, I think I'm pretend
Do you get Motion Sickness: Yes
Do you think you are Attractive: Not really
Are you a Health Freak:No
Do you get along with your Parents:yes
Do you like Thunderstorms:yes
Do you play an Instrument:no
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:yes, but only a tiny bit
In the past month have you Smoked:no
In the past month have you been on Drugs:I have never done drugs
In the past month have you gone on a Date:no
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: Yes, what the hell?
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:no
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:Yes
In the past month have you been on Stage:no
In the past month have you been Dumped:no
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:no
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:no
Ever been Drunk:yes
Ever been called a Tease:no
Ever been Beaten up:no
How do you want to Die: In my sleep when I'm very, very old, surrounded by my family and at Disney World.
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:I haven't decided yet.
What country would you most like to Visit:Australia
Number of Drugs I have taken:Illegal? None. RX? A lot.
Number of CDs I own: Too many to count.
Number of Piercings:2 in one ear and 4 in the other although some have probably closed up by now.
Number of Tattoos:None, but I want one.
Number of things in my Past I Regret: 1. I should have never ordered the prime rib that one time.