Wear shoes if you use my bathroom

Jesse and I recently had a loud, angry argument that tested the limits of our marriage.

It was about eye boogers. Elle's eye boogers to be exact.

A little while back Elle was brushing her teeth and she swallowed some spit a little funny. Ever since then she's become convinced that she's going to choke when she brushes her teeth. Hence, teeth brushing time has become a group effort with Jesse and I both trying to encourage/cajole/force her to brush her teeth.

So a few nights ago the three of us were in the bathroom. Elle and I were standing net to each other and Jesse was sitting on the floor. As we were going through the usual "Oh for fracks sake, just brush your teeth already!" routine Jesse picked an eye booger out of Elle's eye and put it on the bathroom rug!

Oh my god! Eye booger! On the rug! Where I stand with my bare feet when I get out of the shower! Eye booger!

Because I am a calm, rational adult I presented my concerns to Jesse in a calm, rational way.

My argument: "Gross! You just flung an eye booger onto the rug! That's so disgusting!"
Jesse's counter-argument: "I didn't fling it. I wiped it."
My counter-counter-argument: long befuddled silence
Jesse's counter-counter-counter argument: "You're saying I flung it and I didn't!"
My counter-counter-counter-counter argument: "Are you serious? That is the biggest missing of the point ever. I don't care how exactly the eye booger got there. I'm just upset that it's there. The bathroom rug is not a giant tissue for you to wipe things on!"
Jesse's counter-counter-counter-counter-counter argument: "You're the one who keeps saying I flung it! Don't say I flung it when I didn't!* And anyway, it was just a little piece."

And it just got worse from there.** We've been married almost 11 years now. Maybe we ought to be applauded for finding new and creative things to fight about. Or maybe Jesse should not be allowed within 20 feet of a bathroom rug.

*Apparently you can tell Jesse he's gross and disgusting but don't you dare say that he flings things.

**To be honest, there was already some tension brewing before this argument. Jesse had neglected to buy me anything for my birthday and I wasn't exactly a happy camper about the situation. I'm over it now.***

*** Well, I was over it until some friends of ours gave me a belated birthday present of two bottles of wine and Jesse dropped one of them. And he dropped it in such a way that it first hit the tail light of my car and broke it. No, I am not joking. I guess I should be glad he didn't pick up the glass shards of the bottle and grind them in my face. Best. Birthday. Ever!

One year ago today I didn't want to get the swine flu.
Two years ago today I took a picture of the tiniest spider ever.
Five years ago today I wanted candy.

The cutest thing Elle has ever said

I'm still pumping milk for the twins. This morning I was moving a bunch of it from the freezer in the house to the large freezer in the garage. Elle watched me the whole time and when I was done she said "Mama? You maked all that ice cream for the babies?"

One year ago today I wanted a garden.
Two years ago today my kids had some thoughts about my eyebrows.
Four years ago today Jesse said the lamest thing ever.

The Birthday list - Year 33

When I turned 29 I posted a list of 29 things random things about myself. I've updated it every year. This is the version for this year. The original things are in black, the previous updates are in red and this year's are in blue. It's the most complicated list of random things ever!

1- I still have 2 baby teeth in my mouth. I don't' have any permanent teeth to replace them.
2- I'm allergic to the skin on apples. Also almonds. They make the roof of my mouth itch and my tongue feel numb.
3- I have never, in my entire life, purchased a tomato, an olive or a mushroom.
4- I close as I can remember I have moved about 15 times in my life. Make that 16.
5- I've had surgery to correct a lazy eye.
6- I almost always remember my dreams.
7- The only video games I have ever beaten are Theme Hospital and Kingdom Hearts. And Kingdom Hearts II.
8- The person I would most like to meet in the whole world is the Dalai Lama. Scratch that. I most want to meet Rachel Maddow.
9- My favorite poem is "Annabelle Lee" by Poe.
10- My secret guilty pleasure is watching Starting Over. That's not even on anymore. Now my secret guilty pleasure is porn VH-1 reality tv.
11- I like to take two Double Stuffed Oreos, take one part of the cookie off each and then stick them together to make quadruple stuffed Oreos.
12- My secret wish and ambition is to own a dog sled team and compete in the Alaskan Iditarod. (That's right, I hate the cold and physical activity of almost all kinds and I want to compete in the most challenging sled dog race ever.)
13- I'm still afraid of things hiding under my bed so when I go to bed I try to get in from as far away as possible so that nothing can reach out and grab my ankles.
14- Whenever I go to see a movie I forget what I'm there to see during the previews.
15- I used to have a huge paper doll collection and I sold it at a garage sale (probably for $1). I would kill to have those paper dolls back.
16- I often imagine what it would be like to shave my head.
17- Although I've never been stung I am terrified of bees.
18- I don't own a pair of winter boots.
19- I have a hard time sleeping without socks on, even in the summer.
20- I would like to have 4 more children. All boys. Oh my god! What was I thinking? Four more? I most days I can't even handle the ones I have. Two is plenty thank you very much.
21- I think Paris Hilton and Bratz dolls are destroying little girls in America. I don't blame Paris anymore. Now I blame Sean Hannity. And Glenn Beck.
22- I hate romantic comedies (not including Love Actually).
23- When I was a kid and I had to clean my room I would pretend that I was a maid cleaning the room of a rich kid. I would talk to myself in a British accent. I still do this.
24- I always drive the speed limit.
25- I believe in ghosts. Sort of. I am becoming more of a skeptic as I get older.
26- I think hot chocolate is gross unless it has peppermint schnapps in it.
27- If I could only eat one food for the next year it would be my mom's fettuccine. (Of course I would weigh about 400 pounds at the end of the first year....)
28- Tom Hanks is my favorite actor and Kate Winslet is my favorite actress.
29- If I could have any job in the whole world I would like to be an Imagineer. Or maybe a lactation consultant. Or maybe a doula.
30- I make my own wine. Sort of. I have bought the stuff needed to make my own wine.
31- As a kid the toy I wanted more than anything was the Playmobil Victorian Mansion. I covet it still. I will probably buy it someday.
32- I have been the captain of a Relay for Life team twice.
33- I have delivered 29 pounds and 7 ounces of baby.

One year ago today it was my birthday.
Two year ago today it was my birthday and I wrote a list that sort of depresses me now.
Three years ago today it was my birthday.
Four years ago today it was my birthday and I posted the original list without spell checking it.
Five years ago today (huge surprise) it was my birthday.

Today I am sad

I've spent the last 36 hours in three modes: about to cry, crying, recovering from crying.

You know what? Add one more. Hiding the fact that I'm crying so that Jesse won't worry about me.

On Sunday my IFs flew home with The Boy and The Girl so on Saturday Jesse and I went to visit them and say goodbye. We got a hotel room near where my IF's were staying thinking that we would make the night into a nice, relaxing night away from the kids.

The visit itself was nice. We brought the babies Minnesota Twins onesies and a bunch of breast milk \. We went out to eat and Jesse had a turducken burger. I ate ice cream and drank wine and snuggled the babies. When it got late I kissed the babies goodbye and hugged the guys goodbye and made them promise about 20 times to send pictures and stay in touch.

As Jesse and I walked back to our hotel I was feeling pretty good, happy about how everything had gone. When we got back to our hotel room I sat down on the bed and Jesse asked me how I was feeling. I immediately burst into tears. Since then I've been crying once about every 14.7 minutes.

As I've explained to Jesse several times I'm not crying because of regret (because I have none) or a longing to have the babies back (because, no) but rather because I'm sad the whole thing is over with. For the past year the pregnancy, the babies and the guys have been a huge part of my life and now? It's just done.

I miss the babies. I don't have any maternal feelings towards them but I'm not a robot. I carried them and nurtured them for nine months. After they were born I held them and kissed their foreheads and tickled The Boy's double chin and teased The Girl's hair into a mohawk. I miss them.

I miss the guys. They're amazing people and wonderful fathers and I consider myself lucky to know them. Without surrogacy I never would have met them so now when people ask me why I am a surrogate I can add "meeting super cool people" to the long list of ways surrogacy has benefited me. We shared something pretty special and along the way I really came to care about them. Jesse likes them, the kids like them, I like them. They seemed to like me. I miss them.

I miss being pregnant. I miss feeling The Boy hiccuping when I tried to sleep at night. I miss seeing The Girl's arms moving around at the top of my tummy. I miss waddling when I walk and maternity clothes and heartburn and craving chocolate cake. When I was pregnant I got to play a part in building a family. I'm sad that's done now.

Not all the tears I'm shedding are sad ones. There's a lot of sweet to help even out the bitter. The babies are loved and adored beyond reason. The guys have the family they had been wanting for so long. I'm proud of myself for carrying and delivering two big, healthy babies. My family and I are enjoying the benefits of surrogacy, both the financial one and the ones that are a little harder to put into words. I know that as time passed the sweet will remain and the bitter will fade away. I know that part of the reason I'm sadder at the end of this surrogacy than I was at the last one is that the good parts have been so much better this time around. That in it's self is something to be happy about.

But...

But today I am sad.

Two years ago today I played in the snow with my new camera.
Three years ago today Elle had a cookie.
Four years ago today I made fun of people.

Weight loss tips that really, really work

Here I am two weeks post-partum and this morning I was able to put on a pair of pre-pregnancy jeans. And zip them. Woot!

Then I immediately took them off and slipped into some maternity yoga pants because just because one can wear pre-pregnancy jeans doesn't mean one should. Especially if one wishes to breath.

I've lost all of the baby weight. I think this makes me a weight loss expert. I don't want to keep all of my knowledge to myself so I'm going to share some tips with you now. Seriously, all of this worked for me.

1. Instead of having one baby, have two! It's a lot easier to get a head start on losing the baby weight when you lose 12.5 pounds just by giving birth.

2. Have people bring you dinners and come to your house and make you breakfast. Make sure that as many of the meals as possible are cheese based. Homemade mac & cheese, tater tot casserole and pizza boats are all good options.

3. Try to get a lot of sleep. Nap all the time. If you're feeling up to it do something strenuous like take a shower and then nap again. For added weight loss success whine to everyone who will listen about how tired you are. Be thankful that you don't have to care for two babies on top of all the whining you're doing.

4. Pump breast milk. Do it even it if you hate it. Ignore the fact that you always smell slightly like baby spit up and that everything in your house somehow ends up splattered with milk. Do it. Don't give up just because you're embarrassed that you start to lactate every time you hear a small appliance motor turn on. Remind yourself that someday you want to fit into your underwear again and then keep at it.

5. Watch the Discovery Channel and Investigation Discovery every chance you get. Cry a little bit every time you see the preview for the new season of Deadliest Catch. You will lose so much water weight via the tears you shed over Captain Phil!

So there you have it. These are all scientifically proven tips based on ...
science ... and stuff. I'm totally going to patent them and start a weight loss center and make a million dollars that I will spend on chocolate.

One year ago today Joseph saved the planet.
One years ago today we went to the zoo.

All done except for the hormones

If we're not Facebook friends then you might not know this but the babies are here and I'm home from the hospital. I'm slowly working my way back to to my usual sunny state. I'll write up a birth story later but for now here are some of the boring post-partum details.

The Babies
The Boy and The Girl arrived via scheduled c-section on March 23rd. The boy was born at 11:52, weighed a hefty 6 pounds 13 ounces and was 17.5 inches long. The Girl was born at 11:54, weighed a teeny 5 pounds 9 ounces and was 17 inches long. The boy had some breathing issues (probably brought on by inhaling something or other at birth) and had to spend some time in the NICU but he's getting better and stronger every day. In spite of her tiny size The Girl had no issues at all and is 100% healthy.

The Agony and the Ecstasy (but not really)
The c-section was not as terrible as I expected it to be. I mean, it sucked and I hated it but I didn't like, die or anything so I guess it could have been worse. One really neat part of the whole thing was after the babies were out and I could hear them both crying. The guys were hurrying back and forth between the warmers then coming over to me to squeeze my hand or rub my arm. It was a really happy, emotional time and I got to enjoy it without feeling any pain.

That said, c-sections are not the way I hope to go in the future (assuming I ever lose my mind and want to do this again). I'm nearly a week out from surgery and I still want to do nothing more than curl up in bed with a bottle of pain killers.

Pump It Up
I'm pumping breast milk. The main reason I do it is because I think it's good for the babies. I feel like I gave them the best I could for nine months and if I've got the resources and the ability to give them the best for a little bit longer then I should do that. It's like a parting gift.

I also have selfish motivations. I know pumping will help me take the baby weight off quicker and help to keep the post-partum hormones in check. I have to remind myself of those things several times a day. Every time I go to pump I have the urge to throw the whole contraption in the closet and never look at it again. Pumping is not my favorite thing. It's a hassle, it's uncomfortable and it involves the use of obscene looking plastic cones that I have to hide away whenever someone comes to the house because I don't want people seeing them and thinking "Her boobs were just in there!"

The babies are sucking down about 2 ounces a feeding now so I'm keeping it up. For now.

Baby Blues
I'm tired, I'm crabby and I occasionally burst into tears for absolutely no reason at all. Seriously. The other day I cried because my mom made me a pan of my favorite kind of brownies. The day before that I cried because Jesse told me a joke that I didn't think was funny and I felt guilty for not laughing. I'm slowly feeling a little bit better but everyone around me is praying for a quick end to the baby blues.

In Conclusion
I'm a little sad that this surrogacy is over. It was neat carrying two babies. There's a tiny part of me that wasn't ready to be done.

Mostly though I'm very happy. When I see the babies with their dads I am thrilled with the little part I had in helping to build their family. I'm proud of myself for making it to 37 weeks without any major problems. I'm happy to be back with my delightfully weird children. I'm excited to spend the summer in the garden and in my craft room. I'm looking forward to walking without pain and taking a deep breath without having to struggle.

Small post-partum complaints aside, life is good. I have nothing to complain about. (I just started crying as I typed that. *eye roll*)

At the doctor's office

"You've gained a pound!" the nurse reported cheerfully. "The babies are growing nicely."

"Yes..." I responded as I wiped a stray Thin Mint crumb from my shirt. "The babies..."

One year ago today I locked my family out.
Two years ago it was St Patrick's Day.
Three years ago today I did a meme.
Four years ago today I was a boring mommy-blogger.

Please pardon the brain stain on my pillow

Bed rest is turning my brain to mush.

When the doctor first said "Bed rest!" I thought "Ok, cool! I'll get to take it easy and have lots of naps. In between that I'll watch lots of documentaries and read lots of books and write all those witty blog posts I've been composing in my head."

That all lasted about 24 hours. By day two I had settled into a routine of watching true crime shows, Golden Girls reruns and birth shows on Discovery Health.

True, I'm very rested but every night I feel a little more of my brain leaking out onto my pillow. If this doesn't end soon I'm going to end up like ... I don't know, Rose Nylen.

Luckily there is an end in sight!

The original plan was to do a c-section (since this girl is stubbornly head-up) on March 30th, at 38 weeks. Based on a scheduling conflict and the fact that the babies are attempting to rearrange my skeleton from the inside we've decided to move the c-section up to March 23, at 37 weeks.

I can't say I'm exactly thrilled at the prospect of a c-section I do look forward to the day that I can breath without feeling like I have a boulder on my chest or walk without feeling like I have a boulder between my knees or think without feeling like I have a boulder between my ears.

There's a lot about pregnancy that I really enjoy and carrying twins has been an adventure that in some ways I'll be sad to see end. But yeah, I'm about ready to be done. I'm excited to get my body and my brain back. I will miss all the Golden Girls reruns though.

One year ago Joseph knew me really well.
Two years ago today everyone misunderstood me.
Three years ago today I looked on the bright side.