This is why my heart is on the floor

I choke up once or twice as I drive her to her first day of preschool. I glance back at her and her eyes are bright and happy. She chatters on, telling me all the things she's going to do at school.

Clutched to her chest is a new backpack. It strikes me that the backpack is half her size.

She seems so small.

When we get to the school she puts her backpack in her locker. I try to wrap my brain around the fact that my baby has a locker.

In the classroom she is nearly vibrating with excitement as we check her in. I try to take her hand to show her (just one more time) where the bathrooms are but she pulls away from me and makes for the play kitchen area.

My little buddy, my constant companion, my shadow.

I watch her from across the room as she plays with the other kids. She seems so grown up. She's a head taller than most of the kids in the class. I smile as I look at her impossibly long legs topped off by her little round bottom.

Her jeans are slipping down and I want to go over and pull them up. Obviously she's too young for this. She still needs me to be with her all the time.

She turns and sees me standing there. She smiles and says "Mama? Can you go now so I can be at school all by myself?"

This is why my heart is on the floor.

One year ago today I got political.
Two years ago today I struggled with medicating Joseph.