Good health is killing me

By now you already know that I've managed to nearly kill myself (several times) with my neti pot. Everyone laughs at me about that and says "Why don't you just take drugs?" But I stuck with it, certain that the neti pot was the way to good health. And I still think it might be. And as soon as I am able to use it without nearly drowning I will tell you all about it. Oh what a glorious day it will be when I can gloat about how I got water to gush through my sinuses.

But yesterday I discovered a fun, new way to nearly die while trying to get healthy. (And no, I didn't go jogging because people who do that just aren't right in the head.*) I took an all natural fiber capsule that I got a free sample of at the natural foods co-op.** I figured that I could use a little extra fiber in my diet. I mean, I'm pushing 30 and I think I remember reading that as you get older it gets harder to "go". Or maybe I just made that I because I really wanted to use that free sample. ***

So I take the pill with a swig of water. I feel divine. Instantly my bowels feel clean and healthy and regular. I am the earth and the earth is me and we are one and in tune. Oh no, wait. That's what happened when I dropped acid.

Ok, so I take the pill with a swig of water. Everything is fine for a few minutes. Then I slowly start to notice that it feels like there's something stuck in my throat. I drink some more water and the feeling goes away but then it keeps coming back. I go to lay Elle down for a nap and as I'm doing that I feel like my throat is closing up. By the time I lay her down I feel like I can hardly swallow. Now I know I'm an over-reactor and I'm trying to not let myself think about how I'm probably the first person in the world with an allergy to all natural fiber pills and now I'm going to die from a closed up throat and my children will be left without a mother and Jesse will have to take over all my work around the house and I just don't know if he can handle that and it will all be because I was selfish and wanted to be regular.

I fish the sample package out of the trash and written in big bold letters (in two seperate places) it tells you to take the pills with 8 ounces of water to avoid having the pills swell up in your throat and become a choking hazard. Killer fiber pills!

I hurridly drink 2 bottles of water and about halfway through the second one I no longer feel like I'm going to die. That's a good thing because death by fiber is even worse than death by neti pot. Good health is going to kill me yet.

*I love you Shannon! And Deels who I guess got her started on all that jogging stuff.

**It was recently pointed out to me that using a neti pot and shopping at the natural foods co-op is the start on a slipperly slope towards using natural crystals instead of deodorant and wearing organic, washable maxi-pads. I pointed out that when I go to the natural foods co-op and ask for something I almost always pronounce it wrong and then feel stupid so my shame alone will keep me from becoming a total crunchy granola earth mother. And it will be a cold day in hell the day I wash and re-wear a maxi pad.

***I am a sucker for a free sample. I think I must have lived a past life during the Depression because I can't throw that kind of thing away. If I get a free sample I will use it no matter what. I don't have a cat but if you give me a free sample of kitty litter I'm going to hang onto that sonofabitch untill I've figured out a way to use it.