The one where I beat a ceramic pot

I am still attempting to recover from The Cold That Ate My Head. It's a slow process. I'm still coughing and hacking but now I'm thisclose to being able to breath through my nose. I chalk that up to my recent victory over my neti pot.

A couple of days ago I was rooting around in the medicine cabinet for something to make me feel better and what did I spy? My neti pot. "Hey!" I thought. "This will make me feel better!" How quickly we forget.

Here's the thing though, I actually managed to use the danged thing with some success this time. "Some" being the key word here. I mean, yes, most of the water still ran down the back of my throat and yes, I still nearly drowned and yes, when it was all done I felt like I had tried to inhale the Atlantic ocean but there was still some success. I managed to get a stream of water going in one nostril and trickling out the other! Kind of! At least it sort of dripped out the other nostril. Hey, it's better than I've ever been able to do before. I count it as a victory.

Now I just need to lose the crusty, bleary eyes, the red chapped nose, the dry cracked lips and the the pale, sallow skin and I'll be back to being my regular hot self.

Oh, and the best news of all! The Cold That Ate My Head came with a nice case of .... Oh, how can I put this delicately? Raging, churning, gaseous diarrhea so I've manged to lose five pounds in the last week. Oh yeah. I'm looking super cute now.

Good health is killing me

By now you already know that I've managed to nearly kill myself (several times) with my neti pot. Everyone laughs at me about that and says "Why don't you just take drugs?" But I stuck with it, certain that the neti pot was the way to good health. And I still think it might be. And as soon as I am able to use it without nearly drowning I will tell you all about it. Oh what a glorious day it will be when I can gloat about how I got water to gush through my sinuses.

But yesterday I discovered a fun, new way to nearly die while trying to get healthy. (And no, I didn't go jogging because people who do that just aren't right in the head.*) I took an all natural fiber capsule that I got a free sample of at the natural foods co-op.** I figured that I could use a little extra fiber in my diet. I mean, I'm pushing 30 and I think I remember reading that as you get older it gets harder to "go". Or maybe I just made that I because I really wanted to use that free sample. ***

So I take the pill with a swig of water. I feel divine. Instantly my bowels feel clean and healthy and regular. I am the earth and the earth is me and we are one and in tune. Oh no, wait. That's what happened when I dropped acid.

Ok, so I take the pill with a swig of water. Everything is fine for a few minutes. Then I slowly start to notice that it feels like there's something stuck in my throat. I drink some more water and the feeling goes away but then it keeps coming back. I go to lay Elle down for a nap and as I'm doing that I feel like my throat is closing up. By the time I lay her down I feel like I can hardly swallow. Now I know I'm an over-reactor and I'm trying to not let myself think about how I'm probably the first person in the world with an allergy to all natural fiber pills and now I'm going to die from a closed up throat and my children will be left without a mother and Jesse will have to take over all my work around the house and I just don't know if he can handle that and it will all be because I was selfish and wanted to be regular.

I fish the sample package out of the trash and written in big bold letters (in two seperate places) it tells you to take the pills with 8 ounces of water to avoid having the pills swell up in your throat and become a choking hazard. Killer fiber pills!

I hurridly drink 2 bottles of water and about halfway through the second one I no longer feel like I'm going to die. That's a good thing because death by fiber is even worse than death by neti pot. Good health is going to kill me yet.

*I love you Shannon! And Deels who I guess got her started on all that jogging stuff.

**It was recently pointed out to me that using a neti pot and shopping at the natural foods co-op is the start on a slipperly slope towards using natural crystals instead of deodorant and wearing organic, washable maxi-pads. I pointed out that when I go to the natural foods co-op and ask for something I almost always pronounce it wrong and then feel stupid so my shame alone will keep me from becoming a total crunchy granola earth mother. And it will be a cold day in hell the day I wash and re-wear a maxi pad.

***I am a sucker for a free sample. I think I must have lived a past life during the Depression because I can't throw that kind of thing away. If I get a free sample I will use it no matter what. I don't have a cat but if you give me a free sample of kitty litter I'm going to hang onto that sonofabitch untill I've figured out a way to use it.

The fight of the century

I own a neti pot. I've heard it said that a neti pot is the best way to clean out your sinuses and get you feeling better if you're a little bit stuffy. I have never had much success with my neti pot. Every time I ues it I just end up feeling kind of water logged. I've got a really sutffy nose right now though so I was determined to get that damned neti pot to work for me. I read and re-read the instuctions. I did a dry run through to practice my positioning. I even watched a YouTube video on how to do it. I was prepared. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you The Fight of the Century!

In this corner, my nose! My right nostril is so clogged that I can't breath through it at all. I can squeeze a little air in through the left side if I really, really try. My nose had been the victor in previous battles, can it hang on to it's title?

And in this corner, the neti pot! This little pot has got a lot of support from it's loyal fans but it's as of yet been unable to prove itself in the ring. Will today be the day that it triumphs over the clogged nose?

I will be playing the part of the neti pot's trainer, manager, roadie and , if need be, groupie. It's my job to prepare the salt water and to position the pot.

Round 1!
I insert the tip of the pot into my right nostril. I tip my head just right, just like the lady on the video. I tilt the pot and ....... nothing. I think the spout must be blocked because I'm not feeling anything at all. The spout is not blocked. I change tactis and switch to the left nostril.

Round 2!
After inserting the tip, tilting my head and opening my mouth I begin to tip the pot. Almost right away I can feel the water in my sinuses. "Hey!" I think "this is working!" But it's not. The water is going in but it's not coming out. I can taste the salt water starting to down the back of my throat. Out comes the pot.

Round 3!
I'm not ready to give up on the left nostril. I gently blow my nose to clear out the gunk and try again. Success! This time a couple of drops drip out of the right side. It seems like I'm pouring a lot in without much coming out but I'm pleased that I'm seeing some results. Could this be the neti pot's big day? Is there a win in it's future?

Round 4!
Back to the right nostril. I'm feeling good. Those 3 or 4 drops coming out last time really boosted my confidence. I prepare myself again and begin to tip the pot. I feel the warm water filling my sinuses and then ..... nothing. The water starts to dribble out of my mouth. In a sudden burst of genius I think that maybe if I close my mouth that will somehow force the water to go out my left nostril. The water starts to fill my mouth but I force myself not to think about how gross it is and to keep my mouth shut. For about 5 seconds I'm feeling really good about this plan. Then I start to hear on odd bubbling sound coming from the neti pot. My nose has realized that at some point I'm going to need to breath and independent of me it has choosen to try to inhale through the neti pot. In a panic I pull the pot out and open my mouth. Salt water is everywhere. It's draining out of both nostrils. It's running in a thick stream out of my mouth. My eyes have tears streaming out of them. My ears feel a little waxy. I don't care about the mess that I've made in the sick and the mirror. I just know that I don't want to be the first person in history to drown while using a neti pot.

The neti pot lays in the bottom of the sink, dazed and confused as the last few drops of water dribble out of it's spout. I'm coughing and hacking and it seems like there's still a waterfall of salt water running down the back of my throat. I decide to take a shower to try to clear things out. I climb in and nearly kill myself as I slip on the baby oil slick left in there after Elle's bath.

After a few moments in the shower realize that in fact I'm not going to die the world's most humilating death. Sure, I feel like I swallowed half the Great Salt Lake and sure, I've had a few vomit burbs (one should not ingest that much salt water unless one is attemping to dislodge one's last four meals) but otherwise I'm ok. I still can't breath through my nose but at least I'm alive. I start to wonder if this is the real draw of the neti pots. People don't like them because they clean out your sinuses, they use them for the near death experiences.

The winner? My nose. It's still clogged with about half a gallon of (now very salty) mucus. To the victor go the spoils I guess. The neti pot is going to take a while off to reflect on this fight. I'm sure it'll be back though once I'm feeling better and have forgotten how it feels to nearly kill yourself with a couple of ounces of water.

For now I'm going to take a decongestant and have a Schwans Orange Push Up. Now who's the real winner here?