Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Good health is killing me

By now you already know that I've managed to nearly kill myself (several times) with my neti pot. Everyone laughs at me about that and says "Why don't you just take drugs?" But I stuck with it, certain that the neti pot was the way to good health. And I still think it might be. And as soon as I am able to use it without nearly drowning I will tell you all about it. Oh what a glorious day it will be when I can gloat about how I got water to gush through my sinuses.

But yesterday I discovered a fun, new way to nearly die while trying to get healthy. (And no, I didn't go jogging because people who do that just aren't right in the head.*) I took an all natural fiber capsule that I got a free sample of at the natural foods co-op.** I figured that I could use a little extra fiber in my diet. I mean, I'm pushing 30 and I think I remember reading that as you get older it gets harder to "go". Or maybe I just made that I because I really wanted to use that free sample. ***

So I take the pill with a swig of water. I feel divine. Instantly my bowels feel clean and healthy and regular. I am the earth and the earth is me and we are one and in tune. Oh no, wait. That's what happened when I dropped acid.

Ok, so I take the pill with a swig of water. Everything is fine for a few minutes. Then I slowly start to notice that it feels like there's something stuck in my throat. I drink some more water and the feeling goes away but then it keeps coming back. I go to lay Elle down for a nap and as I'm doing that I feel like my throat is closing up. By the time I lay her down I feel like I can hardly swallow. Now I know I'm an over-reactor and I'm trying to not let myself think about how I'm probably the first person in the world with an allergy to all natural fiber pills and now I'm going to die from a closed up throat and my children will be left without a mother and Jesse will have to take over all my work around the house and I just don't know if he can handle that and it will all be because I was selfish and wanted to be regular.

I fish the sample package out of the trash and written in big bold letters (in two seperate places) it tells you to take the pills with 8 ounces of water to avoid having the pills swell up in your throat and become a choking hazard. Killer fiber pills!

I hurridly drink 2 bottles of water and about halfway through the second one I no longer feel like I'm going to die. That's a good thing because death by fiber is even worse than death by neti pot. Good health is going to kill me yet.

*I love you Shannon! And Deels who I guess got her started on all that jogging stuff.

**It was recently pointed out to me that using a neti pot and shopping at the natural foods co-op is the start on a slipperly slope towards using natural crystals instead of deodorant and wearing organic, washable maxi-pads. I pointed out that when I go to the natural foods co-op and ask for something I almost always pronounce it wrong and then feel stupid so my shame alone will keep me from becoming a total crunchy granola earth mother. And it will be a cold day in hell the day I wash and re-wear a maxi pad.

***I am a sucker for a free sample. I think I must have lived a past life during the Depression because I can't throw that kind of thing away. If I get a free sample I will use it no matter what. I don't have a cat but if you give me a free sample of kitty litter I'm going to hang onto that sonofabitch untill I've figured out a way to use it.

11 comments:

Sheliorama said...

I've decided screw "healthy". Potato chips is where it's at from now on for me. They've never made me feel like I was either going to drown or break out in hives.

Glad you weren't having an allergic reaction.

Sticky Keys said...

I don't have enough of an attention span for healthy living, or discipline. Or desire. I'm pretty much hopeless in that field, but good luck on that!

Heather said...

Hee hee hee. I thought I wanted to be an earthy, granola toting Mommy... Then I realized how much work it was. I decided that as long as my kid isn't surviving on McDonald's and Nick Jr., I'll be happy.

Redneck Mommy said...

I'm the anti-thesis to the granola happy, earth loving mom. My kids wouldn't know what fiber is if it jumped up and bit them on the arse.

That said, I decided that if I wanted to live to see, well, forty would be nice, I should get off my ass and move.

So I strapped on my sneakers today and just about fucking died.

I would rather wash and reuse a maxi pad than endure the torture of jogging again.

Love your blog! Will be back.

The Other Girl said...

Okay, this is hilarious. I particularly enjoyed the part where you explain that you only know what constipation is because you read about it somewhere.

Charming Driver said...

I clung tightly to my belief that running is to be reserved for use only when being chased by knife wielding maniacs until I met Deels. Turns out, I was right all along because running is great and all that but it's also, ultimately, for suckers.

I'm sorry to laugh but almost choking on a fiber pill taken in the name of good health (and free stuff!!) is too, too awesome.

Oh and without a cat, use kitty litter for stains on your driveway (oil leaks and such) and also for kiddie-type leaks (diaper blowouts gone horribly awry, vomit) after the larger, uh, chunks are gone.

My name is Shannon and I too have a weakness for all things free.

SuburbanOblivion said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog! My first visit to yours, and I already think I love you. You my dear are joining my google reader list!

shyestviolet said...

I would TOTALLY like to stick up for the crystal deoderant. when it's below 80 degrees (which is rare in a minnesota summer, I suppose), it works better than deoderant.

but that maxi pad business? that'll take a little longer for me to try (I do have friends that swear by 'the cup,' though)...

shyestviolet said...

PS--apparently, you can go to trycib.com and get free instant breakfast mix. me, I love that stuff :) woot, free food!

Jen said...

sheil - I like your idea and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

sticky - Don't you want to be like me and almost die from trying to get healthy? Wimp.

heather - It is too much work! And there's nothing wrong with a little Nick Jr once in a while. That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

redneck mommy - Yea! I'm so glad you visited! And I can't decide if running or washing maxi pads is worse. I choose to do neither.

tog- I knew what it was! I just read that it happens more when you get older. Why must you always mock me? Oh yeah, that's right.

charming - I knew I should have hung onto that kitty litter sample just a little bit longer! I've always got some kind of kid-fliud related mess going on here.

suburban - Awesome! More people to love me!

shyest - I can't go for the cup. It seems gross and weird. Like, isn't it messy when you take it out? Eww, I don't even like to think about it. Lets think about free things intead!

Anonymous said...

Your story about the fiber capsules is so funny! I just started taking fiber and my mom warned me about the choking hazard, but, as my mom is borderline hypochondriac I didn't believe her. However, I followed the instructions and never had a problem. Tonight I thought I would randomly do a search to see if people really can choke on fiber if they don't drink enough water. I found out that it's true! You are so right...good health can kill you. Ironic, isn't it? Thanks for the hilarious story (and I'm glad you made it out alive). :)