Sunday, February 15, 2009

Sex toys spell disaster

Warning! This blog deals with my sex life and therefor should not be read by anyone. Ever. Seriously. You've been warned.

I need to stop going to sex toy parties. They're turning out to be bad for my health.

I went to my first "toy" party a just a short time ago. I ordered something for myself. (Don't worry, I'll spare you the details.) My stuff came in the mail and not three seconds later I was struck down by a gallbladder attack. Intense abdominal pain and vomiting does not exactly put you in the mood.

I recovered from my gallbladder surgery just in time for my second party. This time I ordered something special for Jesse and I to enjoy on Valentine's Day. (Again, I will spare you the details.) The stuff came in the mail but Jesse and I haven't even been able to enjoy it because we've both been struck with this chest cold/stomach flu from hell. We're so sick that we're barely able summon up the energy to turn and look at each other much less drag our sick clunky bodies close enough together to do the deed.

I've been invited to another party but I'm honestly a little scared to go. What if I attend and three days later my left leg falls off? Or what if my stuff comes in the mail and as I'm bringing it into the house I'm bit by a rabid dog? Do I dare tempt fate? What if this third party is the one that kills me? I don't want to my final words to be "I never even got a chance to use my new ........"

So what should I do? Go or skip it? And if you leave me a comment answering this question I'll know you're a dirty bird who read this post even though I told you not to.


Shannon said...

I didn't read anything! But...if I did... I might say third time's the charm?

CharmingDriver said...

''much less drag our sick clunky bodies close enough together to do the deed.''

I have to go now. Very, very far away. With the rest of the dirty, dirty birds.

Ethan, Zach, and Emma's Mom said...

Seriously, you expect to have the words "sex toys" in a title, and have us NOT read it????? Really. Come on. Where do you think I get my entertainment from?
Personally, I think God's smiting you. Just kidding. ;-) I'd go for it. Like Shannon said, third time's the charm!

Stimey said...

You have sex?

(You dirty bird, you.)

Word Shaper said...

I didn't read anything either. I skimmed. Maybe perused. But I still recommend going. You can build up your arsenal . . . umm, stash (whatever you wanna call it) so that you can Jesse can get to getting!

Emma said...

If the party you are referring to is mine then go of course. It's definitely worth the risk.