Friday, January 20, 2012


Sadness hurts.  It physically hurts.  It settles into you bones and weighs you down.  It stiffens your muscles and makes your joints ache.  I am hurting right now.

We are facing the fact that this pregnancy is not going to last much longer.  Baby A is not going to make it.  People are being very kind and saying there's still hope and that miracles happen but I know that's not going to be the case here.  There are issues with these embryos that make it almost unbelievable that all three implanted.  The fact that I've made it to almost 10 weeks pregnant with one of them is statistically nearly impossible.

Obviously that doesn't make things any easier.  I'm angry with the doctor who made the choice to transfer these embryos.  I can't go into a lot of detail out of respect for the privacy of my intended parents but I will say that I feel like we were all led into a bad situation by a doctor who was either careless or incompetent or ... something I don't have a word for.

So now we wait.  I'm still pregnant and as far as I know Baby A still has a heartbeat but we'll have more ultrasounds to see when that changes.  I'm not going to lie.  This sucks.  This a million times harder than a failed transfer.  I can't even imagine how my Intended Parents must be feeling right now.  My heart breaks for them.  I wish I could do something to ease their pain.  I'm very emotionally invested in the pregnancy but they are having to deal with the loss one, two and then all three of their babies. 

I will be ok. Yesterday was hard.  Today will be hard.  This next week will be hard but I have the support of an amazing network of family and friends and fellow surrogate sisters.  If you're the praying kind or the good vibe kind or the well wishing kind please direct all of that to my IPs who I know are going to need to heal from this. 


Barbara said...

Oh Jen, I'm soooooo sorry

How could the dr do that? It's costly in so many ways... emotionally, financially and my trust in them would be shot if I were your IP's... *hugs*

Swistle said...

I'm so sorry about this whole thing. I was thinking of the IPs last night and how this must feel: the amazing success, and then grief after grief after grief. I'll be thinking of all of you.

Stimey said...

I am so sorry. Your IPs must be heartbroken. And I know you wanted so much to make these babies okay. I'm so sorry for all of you.

Shannon said...

What can we really say except so very sorry for all of you. It sucks.

JM said...

Oh man, I am so heartbroken for you and the IPs! Please send my condolences to your IPs, and know that you are all in my thoughts.

DawnA said...

So sorry for you and the IPs.