Ouch

Sadness hurts.  It physically hurts.  It settles into you bones and weighs you down.  It stiffens your muscles and makes your joints ache.  I am hurting right now.

We are facing the fact that this pregnancy is not going to last much longer.  Baby A is not going to make it.  People are being very kind and saying there's still hope and that miracles happen but I know that's not going to be the case here.  There are issues with these embryos that make it almost unbelievable that all three implanted.  The fact that I've made it to almost 10 weeks pregnant with one of them is statistically nearly impossible.

Obviously that doesn't make things any easier.  I'm angry with the doctor who made the choice to transfer these embryos.  I can't go into a lot of detail out of respect for the privacy of my intended parents but I will say that I feel like we were all led into a bad situation by a doctor who was either careless or incompetent or ... something I don't have a word for.

So now we wait.  I'm still pregnant and as far as I know Baby A still has a heartbeat but we'll have more ultrasounds to see when that changes.  I'm not going to lie.  This sucks.  This a million times harder than a failed transfer.  I can't even imagine how my Intended Parents must be feeling right now.  My heart breaks for them.  I wish I could do something to ease their pain.  I'm very emotionally invested in the pregnancy but they are having to deal with the loss one, two and then all three of their babies. 

I will be ok. Yesterday was hard.  Today will be hard.  This next week will be hard but I have the support of an amazing network of family and friends and fellow surrogate sisters.  If you're the praying kind or the good vibe kind or the well wishing kind please direct all of that to my IPs who I know are going to need to heal from this. 

Failed

Ever since I got back from California I have been taking pregnancy tests.  I pee on a stick and then hold it up just waiting for that bright pink line.  Ok, no bright pink line but maybe a light pink line.  A shadow of a line.  An area with a pinkish hue.  Something to give me hope that the transfer took and that I was pregnant.

But nothing.  I felt some rumbling of nausea that I thought might be a sign but that just turned out to be the start of a stomach bug that I'm now smack dab in the center of.  My breasts have been sore and I thought that might be a sign but I guess it's probably just a side effect of the fertility meds I've been on.

I took a blood test yesterday to confirm what I have been suspecting.  This morning I got the results.  The transfer didn't work.

I never had high hopes for this transfer.  For various reasons I didn't really expect it to work.  Still, I had hopes that we might beat the odds.  I wanted it to work.  I really did and if you could get pregnant just by doing everything you're supposed to then I would have been pregnant with triplets. I wanted it to work so much because I knew how important it was for my IPs.

Since that's not how it worked out we now have to move forward.  I should know soon what the next steps will be.  I know my IPs will want to try again and hopefully this time we'll change some things up so that there's a better chance of success.  This is not the end of this road.  It's just a little stumbling block and we'll get past this.  We'll have success.

Four years ago today Elle wore underwear on her head.

California Dreaming

Last night I had a dream that I was holding a fat baby girl with black hair and dark eyes.  I knew it was my job to watch her but I kept setting her down and then wandering away from her.  I was in a big building with lots of stairs and winding hallways and every time I would set the baby down I would find myself lost and I would have to run all over trying to get back to her.  At one point in my dream I fell asleep holding the baby only to wake up and find her across the room in her mother's arms.  In my dream I cried with happiness and relief.

***

Last week I was on a plane to California and I met a man and woman who were fascinated with my experience as a surrogate mother.  We talked for nearly two hours and as the plane was about to land they gave me their business cards.  It turns out that the man is involved with producing reality shows and documentaries for channels like A&E and Discovery.  The woman is the vice president of programming for a major network.  They talked to me about getting more of my story and asked if I would be interested in getting some of it, as they put it, "on the record".  The second I got off the plane I googled them and they really were who they claimed to be.  We've been emailing a few times since then.

***

In California I met my new intended parents face to face for the first time.  My intended mother brought me a pair of earrings that were in the shape of a Chinese symbol for good luck in pregnancy.  They took me out for sushi and I tried almost everything they put in front of me.  I tried octopus and it was good but the more I chewed it the tougher it got.  I ended up sort of swallowing it whole.  It will probably be in my stomach for the next seven years.  I also had barracuda which I didn't even know you could eat.  A barracuda can kill a person right?  And I ate one so I think that makes me like, a beast slayer or something.  The only thing I couldn't bring myself to try was the sea urchin because it looked like a piece of tongue.  I'm adventurous but not that adventurous.

***

On Thursday I went to my embryo transfer.  There was good news regarding the number and stage of the embryos we were able to transfer.  The doctor seemed hopeful about our chances.  When you have an embryo transfer you have to do it with a full bladder.  Afterwards you have to lay on the table with your head down low and your feet up in the air for half an hour.  A nurse offered to bring me a bedpan but I pictured myself trying to pee in it and having the pee run up (down?) my back.  I chose to hold it.  After my half hour was up and ran (gently) to the bathroom and peed like crazy (but gently).

***

After my transfer I was stuck in my hotel room for a few days on bedrest.  The hotel was nice but it was in a sketchy neighborhood.  If I looked out the window and down the block a bit there was a strip club.  If I looked the other way there was a pot shop.  Next door to me was a business that installed car stereo systems and spinning rims and, judging by the blaring and beeping and honking that went on all day long, car alarms.  But otherwise than the ... interesting neighborhood the hotel was nice and it was quiet at night.  Well, mostly.  There was one night where a couple came crashing out of the elevators at 3 AM and then went to the room next to me and had loud, enthusiastic sex.  For 45 seconds.  I was embarrassed for all of us.

***

Being on bedrest means lots of room service.  The food at my hotel was really good and I ate a lot of it.  I always had a twinge of anxiety when ordering room service though because a good third of the time the room service people brought food to my room they called me "sir".  I guess I should have taken part in a little more waxing before I went to California.  Or answered my door topless.

***

I came home on Monday and started doing pregnancy tests.  All negative.  I kept hoping because I've been having pregnancy symptoms.  My breasts are large and sore.  I've been feeling nauseated in the morning and evening.  I'm craving pasta and bloody marys.  (Of course I don't drink bloody marys, I just crave them.)  Everything looked so good at the transfer.  Everything was "right".  I felt like this was going to work.

Then last night I had the dream and I woke up certain that it was a sign that I was pregnant so I took another test.

Negative.

So now we wait until Monday when I get the official results from a blood test.  We'll see I guess.

Three years ago today I didn't understand Dooce.
Five years ago today Joseph was dramatic.