Bully

A few nights ago I was flipping through channels and I landed on the preview for the new movie Bully. I really only caught the last 30 seconds or so but that was enough to take my breath away and break my heart. 

I won't be seeing Bully even though I think it's an important film about an important subject. I don't need to see it to know what's in the movie. I was bullied as a kid. I lived it. I saw it happen to other kids around me. I saw adults stand idly by and do nothing about it. I send my kids to school with worry in my heart because someday it could happen to them.

After I saw the preview I turned the tv off and went into Joseph's room.  I watched him sleep and he looked so calm and peaceful that I wanted to cry. I leaned down and wrapped my arms around him, hugging him close to me. He stirred a little and murmured "Are we all out of bacon?" I pushed his hair back and then stood watching him for a moment more. Then I went into Elle's room to check on her. Her little head was back, read hair all over the pillow and she was softly snoring. We call it "sawing twigs". I moved her into a position that looked more comfortable, covered her back up and then stood there for a minute listening to her breath.  Then I went to bed but I didn't go to sleep.

For hours I lay there awake wondering what I could do to keep my kids safe.  What I could do to keep other kids safe. Vulnerable kids, kids with special needs, small kids, heavy set kids, poor kids, kids who don't wear the right thing or say the right thing or look the right way.

I couldn't come up with an answer.  The fact is that every day parents have to send their kids into great big world and some of those kids are going to be bullied.  Some of them are going to be bullies.  Most of them will see bullying but won't know what to do about it or won't care enough to try to do anything. So how do we change that? Where do we start?

I will tell you where I am starting. I sat my children down and we talked about bullying. We talked about what it means and how it feels and why it's never ok. We talked about how someone else's pain is never funny and how just because someone might be different from us it doesn't make it ok to be unkind to them. We talked for a long time and we agreed on three things. I know this blog isn't read by many people and I don't expect to change the world with this but I am begging you, if you are a parent PLEASE consider talking about your children with these three things. Please consider sharing this post on facebook or twitter or just with someone you know. Maybe it will only impact one kid but it could mean the world to that one kid. The three things I talked to my kids about and came to an agreement on are:

1. If you're being bullied STAND UP and SPEAK UP.  The old advice was "ignore it and they'll stop" but that's not true. All it does it tell the victim that if they were handling things right the bullying would stop. Even worse it lets the bully know they have a victim who won't fight back. If you're being bullied then tell someone who can help you. And if they don't tell you then tell someone else and keep telling until you get help. It doesn't make you a tattletale, it makes you an advocate for yourself. No one has the right to bully you and get away with it. (I also asked the kids to promise to talk to me if they were being bullied so I could be sure it was being handled.)

2. Never, ever, ever, EVER bully. Don't engage in behavior that is hurtful to someone. Even if it seems funny at the time it's not ok to get caught up in hurtful behavior. Someone else's pain is too high a price to pay for your own amusement. It's not ok. Not even if you're mad about something or having a bad day or just really sick of how weird/loud/annoying the person next to you is.

3. (I think this one is the most important because most kids will not necessarily ever be bullies or victims but all kids will see it happen sooner or later.) If you see bullying happening do something about it. Get an adult or tell the bully to stop. Never be afraid to stand up for the little guy. We're all little guys at some point and we would all want someone on our side so let it start with you. Be the one to help.

I was interested to see that the third one was the one my kids were most interested in.  They kept coming up with more and more ideas about how they could try to stop the bully. ("Tell a joke to make people laugh." "Make a loud noise to get attention!") This made me happy because there were times when I was young and I saw someone being bullied but I kept silent because I was just glad it wasn't me.  Those are the times that weight heaviest on my heart. I don't want my kids to have those regrets too.

Please talk to your kids.  Hug them close and tell them you love them and let them know that they're important enough and strong enough to stand up for themselves.  Let them know they are kind enough and compassionate enough to be gentle to others. Let them know that they are brave enough to help someone who needs it. Don't let bullying happen just because it's uncomfortable to talk about. Don't think it's not your problem. If we all just try our best to do those three little things I think we can make a real difference.

An afternoon at the museum

Since the kids had the day off from school (do kids have the day off from school everywhere for Good Friday? Or is that just a thing around here?) I decided to take them to the Minnesota Science Museum. By myself.  Now that might not seem like a big deal to you but I really hate driving in any traffic worse than what I see on the main street of my very small town. But figured it would be ok since I have GPS on my phone so I decided we would brave it and make the hour and a half drive.

All was going well until right as I was preparing to exit the highway into the heart of Minneapolis and my GPS cut out.  Not like a little blip in service but like it totally shut off.  And I couldn't get it back on. And Joseph started to freak out in the backseat. And a car drove into my lane and came within inches of hitting us.  That was not the best part of the day. By some miracle I managed to get myself to the museum without GPS directing me.

I drove around trying to figure out where in the heck to park.  A warning - if you visit the museum know that it is surrounded by giant parking lots, all of them blocked with signs saying "Lot closed - use lower lot". And none of the signs tell you where this mythical lower lot is so you're just forced to circle around and around while your son hyperventilates and your daughter whines "I don't like this! Let's just go to the zoo!"  You might be driven to make a left turn directly onto a very narrow street marked "Exit only!" and "Restricted!" and "Wrong way!".  This will not serve to calm your children down.

But somehow I got out of the danger zone and I managed to find the stupid freaking lower lot.  And here's something funny!  The lower lot was closed! Haha! Despite the fact that the museum had only been open for about an hour the entire parking lot was full. I was going to try to turn around the find another spot but more and more cars kept pulling up right behind me and I couldn't back out of the lane to get into the ramp.  Then, a miracle!  A car came out and I was allowed to go in.  And we got a great spot. In fact there were at least a dozen spots that we saw so there goes the "full" theory.

Let me tell you about how things went at the museum with just pregnant, waddling me and my two maniac children.  It went freaking awesome. Of all the kids my kids are the best kids.  My number one pet peeve with museums is parents who let their kids run wild and dash from exhibit to exhibit mashing on random buttons without every figuring out how anything works.  Not my kids!  They read instructions.  They followed steps.  They asked questions and they figured things out and they worked together and I damn near cried watching it.

There was one exhibit where you could build little contraptions and put them in a chute that was blasting air straight up.  Then you could see if your contraption would fly or not.  The kids watched a bunch of 10-14 year old boys trying out their contraptions for a little bit.  Joseph got to work carefully building what he described to me as a hang glider.  Elle whispered to me "Those boys are making things too heavy." Then she made a little thing that looked like a bird, elbowed her way through the crowd of boys and put her contraption in the tunnel.  And I am not lying when I say her little bird thing flew right up to the top of the tube and then right out the top. It fluttered down and she caught it in her outstretched hand while the crowd of boys around her grumbled about how none of theirs would go to the top and why did hers? I got all bursty in my chest and then I got even MORE bursty when Joseph brought his contraption to the tube and put it in.  It was big and heavy but he had built it so well that it lifted right up, flew out of the tube, hit the ceiling and landed on the floor right in front of Joseph.  I might have strutted a little bit and said "Yeah! Those are MY babies! Suck it other parents!". Ok, there were no other parents around.  But I did strut.

We also visited a pirate exhibit. Joseph was especially fascinated by the eight year old pirate we learned about. He wondered what would make a little boy want to be a pirate.  He said maybe the boy had Aspergers.  A short pause and then "I think I have Arrrrspergers. It's a disorder that makes me want to be a pirate." Then we all laughed because Joseph is punny.

As we were just about to leave the museum we stopped at an exhibit where you could build a machine that worked like an big gear .... thingy ... that could draw patterns on paper.  As Elle and I set it up a boy who was maybe 14 or 15 came right up by and started to move things around.  I was about to do my "back off" stance that I had perfected during the day but something about this boy struck me.  He didn't say anything to us and he was standing way too close to us but I could tell he was just trying to help.  Once we got the machine set up he took a step back and just stood there and waited till we were done.  He rocked back and forth from one foot to another.  I noticed he was holding a paperback book in one hand.

After Elle finished her drawing we stepped back and I watched as Joseph and the other boy set the machine up with a new configuration.  They were both wearing track pants and hooded sweatshirts.  Both had brown hair in need of a trim.  Both wore glasses.  You guys, it was almost creepy.  It was like Joseph from the future was standing right there next to us. A kid who didn't understand social cues like how far to stand away from a stranger or to ask before jumping in and helping with something you know how to do. A paperback book in his hand.  I actually got tears in my eyes.  I'll blame it on the pregnancy hormones. It just struck me as awesome somehow.

Then it was time to leave. I needed to use the restroom and the kids picked that exact moment to stop listening to me and chose to argue and ignore my instructions.  I was able to get them situated but I came within .03 seconds of peeing my pants right in the middle of the museum.  I couldn't even really scold them though because seriously? Best kids ever.

Then we drove home and we sang together "I throw my hands up in the air sometimes, saying 'Hey-o! I'm a Lego'" and it was awesome and fun and totally made up for the drama of the morning. I need to take my kids out more often because they are so worth the effort.

California here I come!

So here's the situation - I am going to deliver this baby in California. That's my big news.

This was something that has been talked about since before I got pregnant but nothing was for sure and in fact I was kind of assured it probably wouldn't happen.  But, as this whole pregnancy has shown anything that can happen will. There are a lot of reasons we're going this direction. Some of them make sense to me and are good reasons.  Some of them are ... maybe not as valid (in my eyes) but whatever. (For the record, I would like everyone to know that it is possible to have a baby in Minnesota and NOT have it be delivered by a toothless, grizzled veterinarian named Goober. We don't all live in the middle of a giant farm.)

This is kind of an unusual situation but I think it's going to work out ok.  I have to go to California around 34 weeks and stay until the baby is born.  The kids will be with me for all but the first part of it because they have other fabulous vacation plans this summer.  I'm due August 14th so they won't have to miss any school and they'll get to spend part of their summer running around California having a grand old time.  My parents are going to switch back and forth spending time with us in California so they can help keep an eye on the kids and keep them entertained.  Jesse will be able to come visit too although not as much as we would maybe like because of his work schedule.  My IPs are putting us up in a furnished apartment and really taking care of everything we'll need to be comfortable.

It's going to be strange to be away from home for that long but I'm also kind of looking forward to it. When else am I going to be able to give the kids a month long vacation? And with my parents there I won't have to worry about a thing as far as the kids are concerned.

A side benefit is that I get to tell my ob here that he won't be delivering the baby. I was more than a little irritated at the way he did things with my last pregnancy and I wasn't too happy with how he was acting this pregnancy but I was stuck with him for various reasons.  But now I'm not!  So ha! Petty annoyances, the best reason to travel across the country to give birth.

Oh, and I'm really hoping that after baby is born someone will say "Jennifer, you just gave birth to your fourth surro-baby! What are you going to do next?" and I can say "I'm going to Disneyland!" although I really won't because I can't think of anything less fun than walking around Disneyland in August right after giving birth.  But it would still be fun to say.

Water!

As I type this Elle is in the bathtub singing a song she made up.  She's using this goofy, English accent and it's killing me to listen to her.

"Water! Water! Only 25 cents!
Buy a glass of water, water, water!
Do it before you die in the desert.
Even if you're not thirsty you can buy some.
Use it to make some juice and you can mix your miralax in it!"

In other news, tomorrow I'm going to share some BIG NEWS about this pregnancy.  If you're my facebook friend you might already know it but if you're not then you'll hear it tomorrow.  Let's just say that there is some travel in my not to distant future.  And some beaches.  And some Disneyland.

Random updates

I keep forgetting how pregnant I am. This morning I was thinking it was about 16 weeks but then I counted it out and I'm 18 and a half weeks.  This pregnancy has been weird.

Elle brought home a menu she made in school when they were playing restaurant.  On the regular menu was "ledduce", "carrotts", "salid" and "food". On the dessert and drink menu were beer and Oreos.

Joseph is going to have a solo in the upcoming school concert. He's going to be doing the rap portion of "Everybody Dance Now". I plan to tape it and play it to myself every day for the rest of my life.

Our family took a three day trip to Duluth to see the sights and eat at some Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives places.  I cannot say enough good things about The Duluth Grill. It was so good we went twice in two days.  If you go for breakfast order the scotch eggs.  They look funky but they are AMAZING. I also can't say enough bad things about Grandma's. Bad service, loooooong wait times and crappy food.  If you go order whatever you want and then feel bad about it because you could be eating at The Duluth Grill.

If you ever go to Duluth try to take Joseph with you because he will want to visit the Maritime Museum and he will keep talking about it and calling it the "Merry Time Museum" and you will find it so cute that you will be forced to buy him whatever he wants at the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory.

I'm going to be going on another eating road trip this weekend.  My dad and I are going to Kansas City where we will have BBQ and other assorted bad for you foods.  I haven't gained any weight so far this pregnancy but my plan is to shatter that record with smoked meat and other sauced foods.  Shut up.  It's good for the baby.

Peace out

I've been going to a dentist who is totally overhauling my mouth.  Before I got pregnant I would get gassed like crazy before I would let her work on me.  Now I squeeze a stress ball and try not to scream in terror.  It's been ... fun.

I've gone in for work several times now and every time my dentist has remarked on how groovy my teeth are.  It was only today when I was walking out that I realized (rather sadly) that she has been saying my teeth have a lot of grooves and not that my teeth are really radical and hip.

:(

Catching up

What's new with me? A few things. Someone needs to invent a thing that takes the blog posts out of your head and types them out.  If I had that I would update my blog a dozen times a day.  Since there is no such thing you get this list of news items instead.

1. Baby A continues to be awesome.  I had another ultrasound and she is bouncing and behaving.  I will have another ultrasound in a few weeks to find out if she really is a she.

2. Yesterday was the 10th anniversary of the day we adopted Joseph.  That's pretty cool.  When he headed downstairs to go to bed last night he said "Good night!  I love you! I'm glad you adopted me! I like being part of this family!"  He might have said that because we had pizza for dinner and gave him some money to buy music on his ipod.  I'll take it though because that's just darned cute.

3. Elle had a couple of scary days of bad stomach pain. I ended up spending two days in the ER with her as doctors tried to figure out what was wrong. At one point she had to have a procedure done that was really uncomfortable and the whole time it was going on I was holding her hand and the nurse was telling her "It's almost done! After this you'll be all done!" and then we had to re-do the procedure and Elle looked at me with big, sad eyes and said "But you told me there wouldn't be any more uncomfortable things!" and then my heart fell on the floor and broke into a million pieces.

I think future teenage Elle will appreciate me not sharing all the details of her ER visit so I will keep some of it private.  The long and the short of it is that sometimes shit happens.  And when it doesn't happen you might need to stay in the ER for a while. And sometimes there are bladder infections.  (Sorry future Elle.)

4. My first surrogate baby turned 4 the other day. Nothing really else to add to that.

5. I got a Vitamix blender.  It's the best thing in my house.  I even like it better than my family.  My family can't make fancy coffee drinks and the blender doesn't leave it's shoes randomly scattered all over the floor. I'm not being paid to say this or getting anything in return for mentioning it.  I just want you to know that you need one of these blenders.  They're a little expensive (unless perhaps you have a very generous intended mother who buys it for you) but it's worth every penny and then some. Fair warning though, if you get one you're going to want to spend all day making smoothies.

What the hell is happening on PBS Kids?

I've been thinking a lot about what will happen when this baby is born.  Now that there's just one now I figure I have a pretty good shot at a VBAC.  That makes me pretty darn happy.  Since this will probably be my last birth* I want to try and make it as good as I can.

I'm thinking I want the kind of birth I had with Little A.  (Not to be confused with Baby A.  Or A, one of my IFs from last time or A, my IM from this time.  I wish people had considered using other letters of the alphabet when naming all these people.)  The parents were there, Jesse was there, my doula/best friend was there.  I felt so happy and supported and when I did the whole thing without an epidural I felt like Super Woman.  I would like all that again. And maybe with one more little addition.

I think I would like Elle to be at the birth too.  Joseph is out of the question.  He could never handle seeing me in pain and he hates the sound of babies crying.  But Elle is different.  She loves the surrogacy process.  She goes to ultrasounds and lab appointments with me.  She watches when I gets shots and puts a band aid on me after each of them. She likes to lay her head on my tummy and talk to the baby.  I think she would really like to see the whole thing all the way through.

I asked her today if she thought she would like to be there when the baby is born.  The answer was a very enthusiastic "YES!"  Of course I explained that nothing was for sure and we would have to see how things went but that if she was interested we could talk about it more.  Then I told her that she would need to know that sometimes when the baby comes out it hurts the woman but that the woman is ok and will feel better after the baby comes out.  Elle rolled her eyes and said "I know that! I saw a show on PBS Kids and there was a woman having a baby and she said it really hurt."

So apparently she's all ready to be there at the birth.  PBS Kids has taught her well.  Or something.

*Probably.  Maybe.  Perhaps.  I don't know.  I really do love doing what I do.  This pregnancy has not been easy or smooth but damn, I love having babies.