In pictures

When we got back from our vacation to South Dakota I went through my pictures and discovered that the only picture of me was one where I had happened to catch my reflection in a mirror.  I whined to Jesse "Someday the kids will look back at these pictures and wonder if I was even there on the vacation!"

I'm never in front of the camera.  I tell myself that's because I'm the one that's always taking the pictures but the truth is I sort of plan it that way.  If I'm behind the camera then I don't have to show up in front of it.  Point a camera at me and immediately every tiny insecurity I have about myself is magnified by 1000.  I have a goofy smile, my hair looks funny, this shirt isn't very flattering, I haven't lost the baby weight, I need to wax my eyebrows, I'm so pale, I have this weird bulge where my waist should be.  The list never ends.

On one of our last days in New York we were playing together on the beach.  I was standing in the waves holding one of the kids hands in each of mine.  Each time a wave would hit us the kids would shriek with laughter and cling to me even tighter.  The sun was warm, the water was cool and the three of us were having a wonderful time.  I thought to myself "I never want to forget this moment.  I never want the kids to forget it either."

I glanced back up to the beach where Jesse was sitting. Where the camera was.  The little voice started up.  "I didn't put on make-up this morning.  My hair looks stupid from being windblown.  I know my bra strap is hanging out.  My hips still look pretty post-partumy."

Then I looked down at my kids.  I looked at their happy little faces.  I felt the warm sun on my shoulders and the cool water splashing against my legs.  "Hey Jesse!" I yelled.  "Why don't you take some pictures of me and the kids in the water?"

Twenty, thirty, sixty years from now no one is going to care that my bra strap is hanging out.

Or that my hair and make-up were not done.

Or that my backside was so large that Elle began using it as protection against the waves.

When the kids look back on these pictures all that they're going to care about...

... is that one day their mom played in the ocean with them.