The 1%

All last week I felt like I was on a death watch.  Just waiting for my next ultrasound so I could see that the last baby had stopped growing, waiting for the next step, waiting for it to be over.

I was 99% certain that Baby A was not going to make it.  I prepared myself emotionally for the worst.  I felt a black cloud hanging over me.  I felt like when people looked at me they knew what was going on and I wanted to defend myself.  "It's not my fault!  I did everything I could!  I followed all the rules!  I didn't want this to happen!"

When I went to the ultrasound on Wednesday I was ready to hear the bad news that I was 99% certain I was going to hear.  I tried to shut out that little voice that said "But maybe?  What if? Could there still be hope?"

The ultrasound started and right away I thought I saw a little flicker of movement.  Then nothing.  I must have imagined it.  The technician worked for a while without saying anything.  I watched the screen closely.  There it was again!  Movement!  And suddenly a lot of movement!  The technician laughed and said "That one is letting us know its still ok."

And oh, she's so ok.  She moved and wiggled and bounced around for the rest of the ultrasound.  Her heartbeat is good and her gestational sac, while a little on the small side, is still in the normal range.  She's a little fighter and I feel like she's going to beat the odds.  She blew away that 99% of uncertainty and sadness.  Every time she wiggled I felt a little happier and a little lighter.

You guys?  I think she's gonna make it.  I think in 30 weeks or so my IPs are going to have the baby they've been wanting for the last 15 years.  Eeeeeeeeee!

Nobody said it would be easy but no one that it would be so hard

If there is one thing I have learned as I have gone through three surrogacy journeys it's that nothing is simple.  You never move forward in a straight line.  It's one step forward and two steps back.

This pregnancy started out with a one in a million shot of triplets.  That was scary but there was relief at the next ultrasound when we found out only two babies still had heartbeats.

Today I had another ultrasound and we discovered that only one of the babies still has has a heartbeat.  The other one looks like it stopped growing a week ago.  Pretty much right after my last ultrasound.

The good news: I saw the heartbeat and saw the little baby wiggling around.  It's measuring right at nine and a half weeks like it should.  The bad news: The gestational sac is only measuring about seven weeks.  Of course it's too early to tell what's going to happen and if there's something wrong.  If there is nothing can be done so we just have to sit back and watch and wait.

I don't have a good feeling about this.  I'm scared that this last little one will not hang in there.  My heart is broken for my IPs.  I never wanted to carry a litter of babies, one is enough.  If I can just hang on to this one little baby I can be happy. 

So for now I wait and I rest and think good thoughts and I look forward to/fear what the next ultrasound brings.  Please think good thoughts too.  Not for me but for my IPs who have so many hopes pinned on this last little heartbeat.

And then there were two

One of the benefits of my best friend working at the clinic where I get my prenatal care is that she gets to do some of my prenatal care.  Another benefit is that if if I text her to tell her that I'm about to get an ultrasound she might text back to tell me her patient for that time slot didn't show up and do I want some company?  And I can tell her that I do and then she can come to my ultrasound with me.

So that's how we came to find ourselves (plus Elle) in a little dark room staring at an ultrasound screen together and waiting for the tech to tell me what we were looking at.

Baby A looked great.  Measuring right on track with a good heartbeat.  Baby C looked great too.  Everything was it was supposed to be.

I knew as soon as he skipped measuring baby B that there was something going on.  I looked closer and I couldn't see a heartbeat but I thought maybe it was just the angle and that perhaps I wasn't seeing it.  As the tech finished up with Baby C my friend whispered "Jen, there's no heartbeat there."  The tech nodded.

I don't remember exactly what my reaction was but I burst into tears and started shaking.  I'm going to be honest here and say something that might surprise you.  I was crying from relief.  I wasn't sad or upset, just relieved.

There are a lot of risks associated with carrying triplets and my IPs were facing some hard decisions.  We were facing a long, scary pregnancy and it was not something that I was completely overjoyed with.

Now I feel like everything has fallen into place.  I can DO twins.  I know I can carry twins for a long time and deliver them as big, healthy babies.  When I saw that ultrasound I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.  I slept better last night than I have since the first ultrasound.

That's why I was so glad to have my best friend there. Not everyone will understand why I was ok with seeing that empty dark spot on the ultrasound but she gets it.  I think most other people will understand too sooner or later but not everyone could stood there in that dark room, hugged a pantsless, lubed up me and said "I love you. I'm so glad it worked out this way."

Now I get to focus on growing a perfect set of twins for some very excited parents.  As I said on facebook, this is probably the last time time I'm going to be pregnant (unless a certain set of dads ask me to have more babies for them (hint, HINT)) and I want to enjoy every moment of it.  And right now I'm going to enjoy eating homemade mac and cheese for three.

A, B, C, easy as 1, 2, 3

"Since you had one with the first surrogacy and two with the second are you going to have three with the third?"

I lost count of how many people asked me that.  Friends, family, casual acquaintances, my ob.  Hell, I even joked about it myself a few times.  Oh, it's a funny joke, carrying triplets.  Ha ha HA.

When I went to California for my embryo transfer I was well armed with statistics and facts and percentages.  I knew we were going to be aggressive and transfer three embryos.  I knew what could happen.  I was willing to take the risk. I knew that in the room next to me there was another woman, a second surrogate my IPs were were working with, who was taking the same risk.  My IPs, frustrated with their 15 year cycle of trying and failing to have a child had decided to take a big risk.  Two surrogates, six embryos.  An unusual situation to be sure but one everyone involved with was comfortable being a part of.

Right before the transfer the doctor squeezed my hand and said "Now triplets are possible you know, but not likely at all.  You just keep taking your prenatal vitamins and everything will be fine."

After the transfer came the wait.  Almost right away I knew it had worked.  I just felt pregnant.  Less than four full days after the transfer I got my first positive urine test.  Nine days after the transfer I had my first blood test.  My beta came back as 62. Now that might not mean anything to most of you but for those of us in "the biz" that number is kind of low.  Two days later I had another beta and that one was just a hair shy of doubling.  A good sign but I still wasn't real happy with the low number.  Two days later I had my third and final beta and the number had almost tripled.

I found out that the other surrogate had not gotten pregnant.  Not one of the three embryos transferred had "stuck" for her.

So yesterday was the big day for me.  I got to go to my first ultrasound and see how many embryos had "stuck" with me.  Based on my low numbers I felt like it was probably one.  (In fact, I had compared my numbers to when I was pregnant with the twins and they were a good deal lower this time around.)  I also have had almost not morning sickness and certainly you can't have a multiple pregnancy without morning sickness, right?  On the other hand, I knew that I had been really tired.  Well, tired doesn't even start to describe it.  I was utterly exhausted.  So maybe it was twins.

When I went for my ultrasound the technician recognized me from when I was in all the time with the twins.  She was friendly and we chatted for a bit before getting started.  As she started the ultrasound she asked "Any chance there's more than one in here?"  I laughed and said there could be as many as three but I didn't think that was really possible.

She started probing me and the room got very quiet.  I couldn't see the screen but I could see her face and she looked... confused?  Worried? Amused?  I started to get worried myself.  What if she was seeing a gestational sec with no fetus in it?  What if this was a chemical pregnancy?  "What are you seeing there?" I asked at last.

"I'm seeing a lot of activity" she said slowly and then she turned the screen towards me.  And there it was.

 

A. B. C.  Three.  Triplets.  

I was speechless.  I just stared.  How could this be?  I mean, I knew it could be but .... HOW?  I managed to find my voice and I asked the tech to show me each heartbeat twice.  I still didn't believe it until she managed to get all three heartbeats on the screen at one.  The rest of the ultrasound was a blur.  I was trying to keep from crying or laughing or passing out or all three combined.  Before she left the room the tech squeezed my hand.

I got dressed and wandered out to the waiting room.  Then to the hall way.  Then I had to sit down.  I sat for a long time.  I called Jesse and my surrogacy agency and texted a couple of people.  Then, when I was at last feeling halfway solid I drove home and ate half a jar of nutella.

Today I'm still feeling stunned.  I don't know what this will bring.  It's still super early in the pregnancy.  (I will be six weeks tomorrow.)  I know it's not uncommon in multiple pregnancies for one fetus to ... disappear.  Of course that doesn't always happen.  I have to admit that I am facing the prospect of carrying three babies.  Am I freaked?  You bet your sweet ass I am.  Freaked doesn't even scratch the surface of how I feel.  But I'm going to play this one day by day and see what comes next. 

As for right now?  I'm going to go eat that other half jar of nutella.  Don't judge.  I'm eating for four.

A full set

On Wednesday I had an ob appointment and a level II ultrasound. All is well with the babies. They are measuring exactly on track for their age (21 weeks) and appear to have all the necessary parts.

On the left is a little boy who has had no problem making himself right at home. He's totally stretched out with his head way down low and his feet planted firmly up under my ribs.

Squished way up on the right side is a little girl who was suffering a little bit from her brother's room-hogging ways. She spent most of the ultrasound curled up tightly (with her ankles crossed demurely) and trying to fight for a little wiggle room. Don't worry about her too much though. Of the two she is the one who is far more active and I suspect that sooner or later she'll get her brother in his place.

All is well on my end too. The measurement of the thickness of my cervix impressed everyone. (4.6 centimeters? I guess that's good?) At 21 weeks pregnant I am measuring 30 weeks. I have just now gotten back to my pre-pregnancy weight. Everything I've read said a woman of my height and weight should gain between 30 and 40 pounds when pregnant with twins. I guess that means I get to spend the next 17 weeks or so eating nothing but chocolate cake. (I kid of course. I also plan on eating lots of cream based sauces and pasta.)

The guys were able to come to town for the ultrasound. They're beyond happy. Of course they mainly wanted to hear that they babies were healthy but they were also excited to be getting a boy and a girl. It's kind of nice how it's working out. A whole set in one shot. I'm very happy for them.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to roll myself into the kitchen. There is a package of string cheese calling my name. The dairy addiction I have developed this pregnancy is insane. These kids are going to have bones of steel.

Three years ago I was eloquent.

The babies

On Monday my IF's (hereby known as A and D) flew into town so that they could come to my ultrasound. They came bearing gifts for the kids. My kids that is, not theirs. I don't even want to the about the logistics that would be involved with giving their children gifts right now. For Joseph they brought a Lego Empire State building, a gift that perfectly combines Joseph's loves of Legos and all things New York. For Elle they brought a stuffed dog that barks, perfectly combining her love of stuffed animals and all things that are annoying after you listen to them for 14 seconds. The kids are smitten.

On Tuesday morning the guys and I went to the clinic or the ultrasound. As soon as the ultrasound started we could see Baby B bouncing and wiggling around. Then Baby B took a rest while Baby A kicked it's legs and waved it's arms. It looked like it was tap dancing. Then we saw Baby B put it's arm up over it's face. I suspect that Baby B is a girl and she had gotten a hold of a copy of Fetal Cosmo where she had read that a good way to distract people from the fact that your head is as big as the rest of your entire body is to prominently display your arm bud.

If I was a super hero I would be the Golden Uterus. In spite of all the weight I've lost the babies look good and are measuring a little ahead of their actual age. Now that they're each nearly two inches long I'm no longer ashamed to admit that I've switched to maternity pants. Not that I was ever ashamed to admit it I guess but now when I tell people that I get fewer odd looks.

So that's that. The babies look good, we had a nice visit with A and D and I'm getting fat again. Not a bad update.

Three years ago today I broke my elbow. Sort of.

Babies are scary

I had my first ultrasound today. It was exciting. It was extra fun because they guys were there so they got to get a nice, early look at their babies.

Oh yeah, babies. As in two.

Ack! I won't even lie. The idea of carrying two human beings in my body sort of makes me want to vomit in terror. Or that might be the morning sickness talking.

It's a little scary. Exciting though.

And scary.

Two years ago today a pharmacist tried to wound me.
Four years ago today Joseph pretended to like sports.

Joke's on me

Well, ha ha. Don't I look the fool here? Turns out that the quad screen showed an elevated level of something-or-other-medical-sounding in my blood. The clinic called and said I needed to come in RIGHT NOW for a level II ultra-sound. Turns out the reason they were so urgent about it is because a high level of this particular whatever-it-is can indicate that the baby has died.

J managed to get to the clinic right before the ultrasound started and I have to say that all things considered he handled it all really, really well. As soon as the ultrasound wand was placed on my stomach we got to see the baby kicking wildly around. I was pleasantly surprised when I saw those kicks because they matched up with the little fluttering that I've been having in my tummy that I've been attributing to gas. The ultrasound tech said that the baby's placenta is all right up front so it's acting as kind of a cushion and that's why I might not be feeling the movement very strongly. Now that I know that it's movement though and not gas, I'm noticing that I feel it a lot more than I did before the ultrasound.

The ultrasound went very well. Everything looked just perfect. It's amazing how much detail can be made out. We could so clearly see every little bone it the baby's little hands. That was really neat. As far as the doctor could tell us this is just a case of "who knows why". Some people have elevated levels of something-or-other and no one really knows why. The plan now is to have me come back at 20 weeks for another blood test and level II ultrasound. If everything comes back normal then we'll just carry on as you would with any other pregnancy. If my levels are still elevated then they'll take the extra precaution of having me go to the hospital once a week (starting at 36 weeks) for labor monitoring just to make sure that the baby is not under any kind of stress.

The best part of the whole ultrasound was when I found out what B and J are having. I say I because J (in his typical ball of nerves fashion) got to nervous and didn't want to find out. Although how he couldn't tell after seeing the same thing I did on the screen I'll never know. It could not have been more clear and obvious that there was a tiny little penis right there in front of us on the screen. When the ultrasound tech leaned over and whispered "It's a boy." I just had to laugh. I'm 0 for 2 on guessing gender. I was certain that Elle was going to be a boy and I was pretty sure that this baby was a girl. One of these times I'll get it right.

After the ultrasound I had a little talk with J. I told him he needs to kind of cool it around me. I explained that when he's so stressed and nervous it makes me nervous. I also asked him to trust me to take care of myself and take care of the baby. He acknowledged that he's been a little over the top and that he probably needed to reel it in a bit. He told me what a great job he and B think I'm doing and that was really nice to hear.

I think the ultrasound ended up being a really good thing. It gave J and I a chance to talk about what's bugging me. It also gave him a chance to see that not every ache and pain and complaint involved with pregnancy is a sign of impending disaster. All around it was a good thing. Although I am a little embarrassed that I have to eat my words. I was so certain that the quad screen was going to come back totally normal.

6 week ultrasound

Woo-hoo! One lovely, healthy embryo measuring at exactly 6 weeks! I got to see the heartbeat and everything. It's kind of crazy that something the size of a grain of rice already has a heartbeat. It's also crazy that something so tiny is making me so tired all the time.

The unltrasound sucked rocks. At one point when the tech was looking for my left ovary I actually had to ask her to stop. I toughed it out as long as I could but once acutal tears started coming out of my eyes I knew it was time to quit.

But I don't mean to complain. I'm just happy with the results. And now I'm going to eat some boneless buffalo wings.