Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Second verse, not the same as the first

The first time I was a surrogate I was a little baffled by the whole process. I mean, it all seems so strange. You take something from person A and something from person B, put them together, grow them in a lab and then put them in person C and it turns into a baby. Weird right? On top of that there's the endless string of ultrasounds, blood tests and hormone shots. It all seems like some big science experiment. I just sort of went along with it, not even convinced that it would work.

So you can imagine my surprise when I got pregnant.

This time I knew what I was doing. I was prepared for the blood tests, for the ultrasounds, for the hormone shots that would make my butt sore and lumpy, for the endless scrutiny and discussion of my lady parts. None of it surprised me. It no longer seemed weird and confusing to me. I knew what I was doing. My body knew what it was doing. We had done this before and there was no doubt in my mind that we would do it again.

So you can imagine my surprise when I didn't get pregnant.

I just found out yesterday what I had been suspecting for a while. The transfer didn't work.

I am disappointed, bitterly disappointed. I really feel like I let the guys down even though everyone keeps telling me this is not my fault. I guess that's true but it still feels crummy to have this all fail on my watch.

I stopped the hormone shots last night. It's the one good side of all this. I get a few days off to let the lumps heal a little bit. I'll be right back at it in a week or so though.

They guys and I are getting right back up on the horse. We're looking at doing another transfer in a month or so. I guess the upside of this is that I get another trip with a couple of days of rest, relaxation and room service. And maybe this time we'll eat Japanese food.

I'm still confident that I am going to get pregnant for these guys. We'll be able to look back at this as just a little bump in the road. I'm going to build another fantastic uterine lining and get even friendlier with the blood draw lady. I'm going get all bloated and weepy and chocolate cravey. I'm going to have my blood drawn, my uterus probed and my butt re-lumpified. And it will all be worth it when I get that positive pregnancy test that I know is coming.

For tonight though I am going to have a glass of wine and a good pout session. I'll think positive tomorrow.

Two years ago today we had a garage sale.

11 comments:

Ferdinand the Duck said...

Aw, I'm sorry things didn't work out this time and you have to deal with the lumpy butt a little longer. If it makes you feel better I think what you're doing is unbelievable and amazing and you're totally my hero.

Mandy said...

Eventually it's going to work! Who knows... maybe in a couple more days you'll find out you tested too early or something!

What your doing is awesome and an amazing gift for the couple/person you are working for/with! It probably doesn't help right now, but remember even people trying to conceive the natural way actually have very low odds of making it stick. It's gonna work for you next time!

shyestviolet said...

hang in there--it'll happen!

Beany said...

Call me when you get to the chocolate craving part. I'll make cookies for you. Feel better.

Suzy said...

I'm so sorry it didn't take this time. Sending you lots of good vibes for the next round. I am so awed by you. The world needs more people like you!!

maggie, dammit said...

I am so sorry. :(

Stimey said...

I'm so sorry. I have my fingers crossed for the next time. Go grow that uterine lining, you!

Ethan, Zach, and Emma's Mom said...

Sorry to hear that!

wheelsonthebus said...

and maybe this time, i'll sit by the pool with you...

Jen said...

*****hug hug hug hug*****

jenn said...

It's an amazing thing you're doing, and the fact that you're willing to perservere is fantastic. They're so lucky to have found you!