Sorry, I can't respect you disrespecting me

The first time I was a surrogate my father-in-law and his wife (my step-mother-in-law?) were not exactly supportive of the whole endeavor. They were convinced that I was going to be emotionally devastated after the baby was born and I had to "give it up". This was pretty much the only topic of conversation between us every time I saw them for the entire time that I was pregnant.

I tried explaining that I didn't think of it as "giving the baby up" because it wasn't mine to give. I tried explaining that I didn't tie carrying a child to being a child's mother since I had not carried Joseph and he was mine. I tried explaining that I felt 100% confident in my ability to care for this child and nurture it while it was with me and then let go when the time came.

Nothing I said made a bit of difference. I always got the same answers. "Take care of yourself because this is going to be so hard on you." "Don't hold the baby after it's born because that will be too hard for you." "This is going to make you so sad!"

In the end I resigned myself to the fact that they simply couldn't understand where I was coming from and that I would probably never be able to make them understand my point of view. I figured I would prove it to them by not being emotionally wrecked after the baby was born.

Then Little A was born and it was so, so, so good. I was over the moon happy with the whole event. I was proud of myself and happy and excited and the whole thing really went beyond every expectation that I had. I mean, yes, there were rough spots because J was neurotic and he made me a little nuts at times but other than that it was all really positive.

At that point I figured any naysayers would have to take back their concerns. (And it wasn't just my in-laws, there have been a few others too. It's just that my in-laws have been the most vocal in their disagreement but that's partly because some people have stopped talking to us because of this but that's a whole different story.) After all, there could be no denying now that I had done the right thing. Surrogacy is a little unconventional but it was such a great thing for me and family. I think anyone who knows us, really knows us, sees how wonderful it has been for all of us.

Then I got pregnant again.

And what do you know? Second verse, same as the first. A little bit louder and a little bit worse.

"This is going to be so hard on you." "You'll be so sad when you have to give them up." "You can't be happy with how this ends!" "This will just leave you heart broken."

When we saw my father-in-law and step-mother-in-law for Christmas this was the main topic of conversation. It was beyond frustrating. It soon became clear to me that they weren't even listening to what I was saying because they were so focused on what they were saying. At one point my father-in-law said "You won't see the babies after they're born right? While you're in the hospital I mean?"

I replied that yes, I would see them and in fact that plan was for me to possibly nurse the babies while we were still in the hospital. His response? "You won't hold them though right?"

No. Someone else will stand across the room and hold them while I nurse them with my Go-Go-Gadget Boobs.

I guess it was that moment where I realized it was pointless to argue. I wasn't being listened to anyway so I took a nap.

As we were getting ready to leave my step-mother-in-law pulled me aside to warn me yet again how hard this was going to be on me. I guess I was losing my patience a little bit and I said (a little snappishly) that really, I was fine and I would be fine and that I knew what I was doing. She stiffened a little bit and said "Well then. I just hope you don't get a lot of stretch marks!"

Stretch marks? Really? That's your final warning? Stretch marks? A) It's not like I'm going around in a bikini real often anyway. Stretch marks aren't going to bother me all that much. B) Do you really think I would choose to be a "professional womb" if I was worried about stupid crap like stretch marks? C) You're just really determined that I regret this in some way, shape or form aren't you? If I'm not crying over the loss of the babies then I damned well better be crying over stretch marks.

I used to think that their lectures were coming from a place of genuine, albeit misguided, concern for me. Now, not so much. I don't know what it is but I suspect it's that they really don't agree with what I'm doing and they're using these "you'll be sorry" tactics to express that. I could be wrong but it seems to me like genuine concern doesn't usually take the form of ignoring what someone says, ignoring their past experiences and beating them over the head with your own biased and uninformed perceptions.

I don't expect everyone I know to be totally on board with what I'm doing here. I get it, you know? Surrogacy is unconventional. Surrogacy for a gay couple is even more unusual. I understand that people could have some issues or concerns. I don't agree with them but I get it.

If I can respect that other people might see things differently than me is it really so much to ask the same of them? Is it so much to ask that people don't try at every turn to make me feel bad about something that I feel so good about?

The only thing I'm feeling bad about now is my relationship with my in-laws and that's unfortunate for a variety of reasons but I really don't know how to fix it with this issue hanging over us. What to do, what to do?

One year ago today I was leaving on a jet plane.
Four years ago today Joseph skipped and it made me happy.