The manicure

Her voice was soft. "Is it weird for you?" And sad. "Knowing that I'm going to die?"

The question hung in the air, heavy and dark.

Was it weird? No. I had been to the funerals of old men and babies and everyone in between. Death wasn't weird for me. Everyone has to die sometime. Even if that person is my aunt, my friend, as close to me as a sister.

I found myself angry at the question. I had come over to do her nails that day not to discuss her death. I didn't want to be confronted with it like that. I bit my lip to keep from snapping at her in anger and for a long time the only sound was the soft whisper of the file as I smoothed away a rough spot on her thumbnail. I didn't know the right way to answer the question without letting on how upset I really was.

So I lied. "I don't know, not really. I guess I don't think about it that much." I didn't want to admit, even to myself, how often I thought about it.

And I told the truth. "When I think about it though I always think that somehow you'll get better. I know it's not logical or realistic but it's what I always think."

She nodded and then we quickly looked away from each other, both of us blinking back tears.

Five minutes later we had moved past the whole issue and had moved on to discussing reality tv, silly family gossip and memories of the times she had lived with my family.

We were laughing something or other when her husband came in to break things up. He decided I had been there long enough and that I should probably go so that my aunt could rest. I still had two nails left to do but I promised her I would come back soon and finish them.

Shortly after that her health took a turn for the worse. It seemed sort of silly to worry about her nails when she was so full of painkillers that she couldn't even respond to us when we asked her a question.

Less than two weeks after I gave her the manicure my aunt died. At the memorial service I looked into her coffin and saw that her nails were shiny and smooth. All but the two that I had promised her that I would do "later".

I'm still sad that I was never able to finish that manicure.

Sad ....... and something else

I just got off the phone with my mom. One of my uncles, my dads brother passed away today. He is leaving behind a wife, two children and eight grandchildren.

I was not very close with my uncle but I always liked him. He was a nice man who told lots of funny stories. It's so strange for me to think that he's gone. Now when my dad stands around b.s.ing with his brothers at family get togethers there will be one less person in the group. I'm having a hard time picturing it.

I'm not making sense now. I don't like to think about the fact that one of my parents siblings has died. It hits too close to home. I don't want to think about the mortality of people I love. I don't want to face the fact my parents are not eternally 25 years old.

I don't know. I'm sad, I can't think straight.

Jerry Falwell

“AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals”

“If you're not a born-again Christian, you're a failure as a human being”

“God continues to lift the curtain and allow the enemies of America to give us probably what we deserve”

“[homosexuals are] brute beasts...part of a vile and satanic system [that] will be utterly annihilated, and there will be a celebration in heaven.”

“I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen.'”

Rest in peace Jerry Falwell. May you not be judged as harshly in heaven as you judged your fellow man here on earth.

Jackson

IDAT's son Jackson passed away last night. I cannot imagine losing a child and even being able to function. IDAT has already written a breathtaking, heartbreaking entry in her blog about it and I hope you'll check it out.

I am going to make a donation to this charityin Jackson's name. Check it out and if you would like to make a donation too then let me know and we can add them together. They accept donations via paypal so that's probably what I'll use.

A sad day

Jesse's grandmother passed away early this morning. I don't have the grace and finesse to discuss something like this on a blog mostly devoted to talking about baby poop so I don't really know what else to say about that.

I won't be taking Joseph to the funeral, he's just to sensitive. He sobbed the other day when I had to throw away a houseplant that I was unable to keep alive. Death is just to much for him to handle right now. Bless his little heart, he's just too sweet for his own good.

Tickers

I took down the kid's age tickers. I figured anyone who cares already knows how old they are anyway. I thought if anyone who doesn't know me saw my blog it made me look like I'm one of those moms who does cheesy things like put my kids handprints on a t shirt that says something like "Mommy's Little Angels" or something like that and I am NOT one of those moms. So the tickers are gone, never to return but the quote of the day thing might not stay around either.

I've been sick for a few days now. I looked at my self in the mirror yesterday and I looked like death warmed over. Today I look like death again only this time death took the time to put in its contacts and slap on a little lip gloss. Death still hasn't worked up the energy to comb it's hair.

I'm going to go eat some brownie soup now. Read all about it in What I Made over there on the right.

Pictures

I went and had Elle's pictures done today. She cooed and giggled in the car all the way there. She cooed and giggled as I got her dressed in her fancy pink dress. She cooed and giggled as I carried her in to get her picture taken. I laid her down on the pillow and she started to scream. Her face got red and her hands went right for her mouth, a sure sign that she's hungry. I took her into the dressing room and tried to feed her but she didn't seem to want to eat, just to scream. She had a bunch of toots and then seemed to feel a little better. I took her back into the other room to try the pictures again. I laid her down and she fell asleep.

Ok, I can deal with that. I thought we could get some cute ones of her in just her diaper as she slept. I took of her fancy pink dress and suddenly she was wide awake. She refused to smile though. She kind of smirked a few times but mostly she just laid there looking serious. I decided to try putting her dress back on but that made her decide she needed to eat again. Ay-yi-yi.

Edited to add- Joseph just got off the bus crying because he was so upset. For some reason he and another little boy were talking about dying and the little boy told him everybody dies someday. Joseph's not down with that I guess. I asked him why they were talking about dying and he said he said he asked them about it because he didn't know if they knew about it. He's very worried about the people he knows getting old and dying. The whole concept of death is very troubling to him. He's too sensitive for his own good sometimes.

Does heaven have book stores?

Today Joseph saw a picture of Maddi and he started talking about heaven and how she went there with his fish Dorothy. Then he started talking about when he would go to heaven and if he could be a kid in heaven. We told him he could probably do whatever he wanted there. He said "The blue fairy and other people will make me a kid again?"

Then he started asking if he could get Beanie Babies in heaven. We said he could and he said "Do they have gift shops in heaven? How about book stores?"

Then he started to worry about what would happen when Jesse and I died and went to heaven. He started to cry and said "Kids needs grown ups to take care of them! When you die I won't have any parents anymore!"

Of course we promised him that we wouldn't die for a long, long time and we would be around for a long time to take care of him and no matter what we would always be be his parents forever and ever. That seemed to make him feel better and he said "And we'll get to be a family in heaven and all be together! ........ And they have gift shops right?"

Geez, that kid.