A tough day

Today was one of those tough days with Joseph that leaves me questioning nearly everything about myself as a mother. Sometimes I'm too tough on him and sometimes I'm not tough enough. It's so rare that I feel like I've found the right balance with him. He's such a great kid but sometimes (like today) I feel like I don't even get to enjoy being his mother. I feel like I'm always dealing with a meltdown or trying to figure out how to best avoid future meltdowns or wondering what it is exactly that caused the last meltdown. At the end of most days I just feel exhausted. It's like I'm fighting a battle and I don't even know who or what it is that I'm fighting against.

There was a big screaming fit today at food therapy over macaroni and cheese of all flipping things. It was one of those yucky times where I just want to grab him by the shoulders and say "Stop it! Just be normal!" I hate that those thoughts even go through my head. Then I feel guilty for thinking that when he can't control the way he is so I let him get away with doing stuff that he can control. I don't know how to break us out of this cycle right now. It's rough.

So, no more kids for me. I'm already in way over my head as it is. Ask me again in 10 years or so.