Saturday, August 23, 2008

My county fair can kick your couty fair's ass

Sorry to break it to you but my county fair is better than your county fair. I know you don't believe me (because who wants to admit that they've got an inferior count fair?) but I've got proof.

When you enter my county fair you're greeted by this.I bet your county fair doesn't have a woven blanket of Jesus..... wearing a darling chiffon cocktail dress.

We've also got a poultry barn.Row after row of birds of all kinds.

We've got chickens that look like Tina Turner.You should see the legs on those things.

We've got chickens that look like other famous people too.Nobody here but us Phil Spectors.

We've got turkeys too. Actually, I don't know how big of a selling point that is.
When you get up close to them they're kind of gross.

And sometimes they get mad when you take pictures of them and they try to peck your camera. Then you have to scream and nearly drop your camera. It's the law.

At my county fair you can win a blue ribbon for having the best rat with wings. This one was named Bernice. She was not a winner. I don't know why. She looks perfectly nice to me. As nice as a disease ridden bird can look.

At the 4-H floral display you can find hot bug sex. That's even better than the dog sex that some fairs have.

Once you're tired of looking at exhibits it's time for some snacks. And this is where my county fair really comes out on top. We've got Tacos In A Bag, cheese curds, fry bread, Pronto Pups, Do It Yourself Snowcones, fry bread tacos, roast beef sundaes, giant turkey legs, cheese curd tacos in a bag, mini doughnuts and the greatest thing that modern man has ever created....The deep fried candy bar. For only $5 you can own your own little piece of heaven.

So there you have it, there is no beating my county fair. Clearly I have ..... wait a second. I just received an urgent update. This year the Minnesota State Fair has chocolate covered bacon! So if you'll excuse me there's a little something I have to take care of.

21 comments:

Jill said...

What the hell is a roast beef sundae?

The Long and the Short of it said...

LMAO!! So many questions, so little time...What is a "taco in a bag"? Do bugs really have sex? What constitutes an "award winning" disease ridden bird? Why does a fried candy bar cost $5?

Library Girl said...

My county fair has all of those things...plus it is in Feb. While you can only dream of deep fried Snickers, tacos in a bag, Genuine Miccosukee Indian fry bread and funnels cakes to keep you warm under 20 feet of snow, I am already indulging!
Plus we have a CANDY STORE that already sells chocolate covered bacon so BOO YAH!!!!!!!!!!
AS far as the Jesus thing goes, we have groups that dance with the Virgin Mary on a stick. It scares me

nell said...

Now I have to go out and find a fair. It won't be as good as yours, but still...

MsPrufrock said...

Taco in a Bag sounds like some sort of crude euphemism for the female anatomy. No, just me then?

We used to have a local fair with all sorts of poultry displayed, and I never thought of those chickens as looking like Tina Turner or Phil Spector, and I want to kick myself for not realising it myself. Damn. Missed opportunities.

jett said...

I'm terribly afraid of all the fried shit at fairs. Also, I'm afraid the carnies that come through to assemble, hawk and disassemble the rides will maybe lure my children away with promises of the open highway and free beer. Because my kids are pretty. If I don't do anything else right, I make some pretty babies.

I like how your Blanket Jesus' feet float delicately just above the flowers below them. The subtle way it conveys "I'm HOLY, beeshes, but I'm not gonna rub your noses in it by grandiosely hovering TEN FEET ABOVE THESE FLEURS DE FAKERY. I'm Blanket Jesus, and I'm here to convey love, not the superiority of my goodness to yours." is just marvelous.

Word Shaper said...

lol @ msprufrock. Funny stuff. I recently discovered fried oreos. Now I must get a ticket to Minnesota to have fried candy bars and hope I don't have a heart attach at take off.

shannon said...

The first time I heard of deep fried chocolate bars I thought it was positively grotesque. But my husband insisted on trying one and SWEET BABY JESUS are those things MAGNIFICENT! Mmmmm....

Alison Wonderland said...

Chocolate covered bacon?!?!

Lotta said...

Yes, your country fair has Jesus. That's impressive. But my country fair has men with boils bigger than a newborn baby. So there. I think.

Tuesday Girl said...

Well we do not have a county fair, but if we did I could only hop ethat it had chickens with bouffants and a hug pic of jesus with fake flowers at his feet.

A girl can dream.

Amy said...

I swear to blog, tacos in a bag are on the menu for dinner tonight.

Also we went to Vermont's largest agricultural fair earlier this month and, holy crap, what kind of sick mind plans these things. We actually went to something called "goat-topia" My son joined a llama club.

xoxo, SG

Jen said...

Jill - I'm going to have to do a whole entry explaining what certain fair foods are.

long and short of it - Check back, I'm going to do a whole entry about fair food. And yes, of course bugs have sex. At least I assume they do. I don't really know.

library girl - Damn you! You win! And I'm also scared by the idea of the Virgin Mary on a stick.

nell - You can still enjoy the fair even if it's inferior. Just eat something fried for me.

msprufrock - I'll have you know that Taco in a Bag is a proud Minnesota tradition that ..... yeah, totally sounds like a code word for vagina.

jett - I left out the best part of the Jesus blanket! Under him were there words "I trust in you". I don't know if that means that the blanket maker trusts in Jesus or if he trusts in us but either way it was kind of awesome. And you're right to be afraid of carnies. They know that pretty children are the tastiest.

word shaper - Heart attacks are a Minnesota past time. We don't let them slow us down. There's fried crap to be eaten!

shannon - They are magnificent! Thank you for backing me up on this.

alison - I know. I don't know if the idea scares me or turns me on a little bit.

lotta - You ..... win? I don't know who comes out ahead on that one. I need to go lay down for a little while.

tuesday girl - Never give up that dream! Maybe you can start your own fair! Deep fy some stuff and weave a Jesus blanket and charge people $8 to sit in an office chair and be pushed around the room twice. That's pretty close to a county fair.

amy - A llama club!?! I want in! Do you acutally have to own a llama to join? Or is it ok if you just kind of look like one?

Petra said...

Can I get that blanket in king size or just queen?

courtneyryan369 said...

While our fair had the old acordian player out by the tractors, you certainly win with "the woven blanket of Jesus wearing a darling chiffon cocktail dress"! Of course, we were sorely disapointed by the fair this year. Sigh, next year, I'm lobbying for the blanket weaver.

Oh, and I'm looking forward to the fair food discriptions! I've had tacos in a bag and seen deep fried candy bars, but never heard of roast beef sundaes. Something tells me I'm going to go "gack!"

DK said...

My boys and I are hitting the MN state fair tomorrow morning. I'll have to keep an eye out for the bacon.

And yes the deep fried candy bar is the bomb. Diabetic Shock On A Stick!

Half-Past Kissin' Time said...

Chocolate covered BACON? Yikes! No wonder you didn't show pig photos! LOL

Barbara said...

Jen, What county? I've gone to the Marshall county one in MN and it wasn't quite that enticing.

Anonymous said...

This was great, but I am tired of
the fairs, and yes, I saw that bacon wrapped everything was at
the Minnesota State Fair.

I think I'd rather go to a COUTY
fair though. :)


Kate

Anonymous said...

This was great, but I am tired of
the fairs, and yes, I saw that bacon wrapped everything was at
the Minnesota State Fair.

I think I'd rather go to a COUTY
fair though. :)


Kate

bejewell said...

Did the chickens have talons?

(And if you're not a Napoleon Dynamite fan, I'm sorry.)