This might hurt a little .... because you're a girl

Why can't I get someone to rub my nuts?

Let me explain.

I have to have 3 ultrasounds done in July. At 10 weeks pregnant I'll be released into the care of a regular OBGY but for now the RE's office is keeping a pretty close eye on me via ultrasounds every 2 weeks. Now here's the kicker. They're making me have internal ultrasounds. No nice warm gel for me. No ultrasound wand gently gliding over my belly. No, none of that. I get The Wand.

If you're not intimately acquainted in The Wand then let me describe it for you. The ultrasound tech brings out a giant rubbery looking probe thingy and put a condom (a condom!) over it. They squirt some gel on it and hand it to you. You get to do the inserting yourself so that you'll be more "comfortable". Then the tech grinds the wand around in your abdomen for half an hour while you lay on the table and try not to cry out in pain.

It's standard practice for surrogates to get their ovaries checked during these early ultrasounds. Although it's rare, the meds can occasionally cause ovarian cysts so the ovaries have to monitored. Here's the thing about that. I am a freak of nature. No, I mean it. Seriously. (Have you even heard of anyone else getting a collapsed lung while sitting on the couch watching tv?) One of the freakish things about me is that I have traveling ovaries. Yes, they move. A lot. It was explained to me that every one's move a little bit but since I'm so tall they have a lot more room to move around in. And apparently mine like to sit up really high.

So for half an hour I get to lay there while the tech roots around in my innards trying to find my ovaries. And based on how it feels I think my ovaries are sitting right around my shoulder level. Seriously. It sucks.

So why does this have to be so damned uncomfortable? Why is it that I have to get the warning that my examination will be uncomfortable while a guy who goes to get an ultrasound on his private bits gets warned that he might find the exam pleasurable? Or that he might experience "the natural byproduct of spraying warm lube on my balls and then rubbing them"? Why can't I get that?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking to get cheap thrills from my ultrasounds. I just wish someone could come up with a way for it to not feel like some kind of assault. If someone ever figures out how to fix this I will seriously love them forever.

What was I thinking?

How could I have ever wished that I wasn't a mom? I would miss out on so much! Like Elle trying to master the art of conversation.

Elle: Mama, mama, mama, mama? Mama!
Me: What?
Elle: What? ...... Mama?
Me: Yes, baby?
Elle: Goosey?
Me: Where's Goofy?
Elle: All gone! ..... Mama?
Me? What is it honey?
Elle: Papers?
Me: No, you already had some capers today.
Elle: Papers? Papers?
Me: No more capers.
Elle: Mama? Mama? Mama!
Me: What?
Elle: What? ....... Mama!
Me: Yes Elle?
Elle: (looking very serious and pointing at her nose) Boogies.

And I would miss out on watching Joseph at soccer practice and hearing him yell out things during the game like:


Team! Team! Let's just take a quick break and have some time for hugging!"

"My feet are dangerous weapons!"

"That's my mom over there! Don't kick the ball at her head! She uses it to read to me!"

"I feel light! I feel pretty! I've never felt so alive!"

And at one point he was hit in the crotch with the ball and the coach asked him if he was ok. Joseph, running as fast as he could after the ball yelled back in as loud a voice as I have ever heard him use: "It's ok! It was just my penis!"

How could I have wanted to miss out on all this?

I love this like cake

Ugh

Elle won't nap and Joseph won't stop whining. Today is one of those very rare "I don't want to be a mom anymore" kind of days.

The kids at the splash pad

Joseph having fun at the splash pad.

Elle attempting to run away from the splash pad and Joseph going to get her.

And yes, I have the two whitest children in the history of the universe.

The perfect wife

Yesterday we were in the car and Elle was putting her toes up by her nose. Joseph was obviously impressed and we had the following conversation:
Joseph: Now that's what I like to see in a girl. The woman I marry will be able to pick her nose with her toes.
Me: *laughs*
Joseph: The second ingredient for a perfect wife is that she has to be a good cook and will make me whatever food I want.
Me: What else does someone need to be a perfect wife?
Joseph: She needs to have a lot of gas.
Me: Gas? Why?
Joseph: You know, (whispers) butt gas.
Me: Oh..... Yes, I see.
Joseph: And she should have a lot of money so that she can buy me a lot of toys. And she should let me do whatever I want, whenever I want. And most important, she should never crab at me.

I'm not sure it's a wife he's after. I think he's looking for a mom. A new mom with a lot of butt gas. (Not that this pregnancy hasn't given me more than my fair share of that lately!

Normal is the new fat

I used to be an MTV addict. If there was an episode of The Real World on I watched. It didn't matter what season it was from or how many times I had already seen it. I watched it anyway, I was powerless to resist. Then I got a little older and I found myself getting more and more annoyed with the show. By the time the Las Vegas season came I had pretty much tuned out.

But then the evil marketing geniuses at MTV came up with something that drew me back in. The Real World/Road Rules challenges. Something about the challenges just drew me in. I knew it was total trash but I didn't care. I could watch and episode and hate every single person on it but I would still be entertained.

But here's my question. Has the show always been as anti-women as it is now? Or have I just recently noticed this? I would like to think that it wasn't always like this and that it's just gotten bad over time. I would hate to think that at one time I didn't notice that the entire show was pretty much a platform for the "men" on the show to wave their dicks around and make misogynistic comments.

Even the women on the show seem to be taking part in it. They whine about how they need as many men as possible on their team and how the other girls are just dead weight. I have never once seen one of them say anything like "Hey! Girls can do stuff too! We don't have to rely on the boys to carry us through this!"

The most disturbing thing that I've noticed lately on the show though is how damned skinny all the women are. Take Paula:

Now Paula is anorexic but she doesn't really look all that different than most of the other women on her team. Many of them look like they might topple over if a butterfly landed on them particularly hard. What happens when someone on the show is slightly larger? Take Janelle:

Pretty girl right? Yeah. On nearly episode she gets called things like "a whole lotta girl". And god forbid that the woman be an even larger size. Take Anessa:

I can't stand Anessa on the show but I've gotten tired of the constant comments about her weight. On the last episode there was a swimming challenge and one of the other people on the show commented that she was "swimming like there was a cupcake on the other side". Nice. And this kind of stuff is said all the time. Certainly MTV can't control what the people on it's shows say. But they can decide how many of these hurtful and damaging comments that they're going to put in every episode of their shows.

Why all the fat jokes MTV? Is your female audience not insecure enough already? Do you have to comtinue to drill it into their heads that they should not have any curves at all unless they're the surgicaly implanted, saline kind? Screw you MTV. This is one cupcake loving girl that won't be watching you anymore.

Edited - All of the sudden I'm getting a ton of hits for this entry and I can't figure out why. Where are you all coming from?

Summer school

Joseph had his first day of summer school today. He has stressed about this for the past two months. He was sure that he would hate it and that it would ruin his whole summer. When I went to pick him up today the first words out of his mouth were "I love summer school! I wish it was longer!"

I knew he would like it once it started. Like so many things with Joseph though, just getting him to try something is the hard part. He gets so worried about things that are new and unknow that by the time the new thing happens he's managed to work himself into a little anxiety attack. We have yet to find a good way to deal with this other than just forcing him into things and then not tell him "I told you so!" when it turns out that we were right and he likes them after all. My boy is a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pair of shin guards. (10 points for anyone what knows what I'm refering to there.)

Speaking of shin guards, soccer is going well. (Like how I did that?) Joseph is probably the least skilled on his team but I don't even think he notices that. He just loves being out there and playing with his team. It doesn't bother him that he has yet to kick a ball towards the right goal. He's just having fun. The kid burns so much energy when he's out on the field. The entire time he's out there he's running around and windmilling his little arms around and saying things like "Kick the ball to me if you want to win!" and "I'm gonna kick that ball to shreds!". It's fun to watch him have so much fun. He's a cute kid.